DD’s wedding

One of my nephews is getting married later this year to an Italian girl. I assume the wedding destination is her home town. I don't have worries about travel etc., I'm just worried about the cost. I need to figure out soon if I can afford it. However if it was my DD getting married I'd go to the ends of the earth!

I hope you find a way to deal with all your reservations, perhaps with help from your GP, and that you are able to go and enjoy the occasion.

Oh twiglet, I feel so sorry for you. I suffer from terrible anxiety issues when I'm flying anywhere, I am totally stressed out for a while before I go but, in all honesty, the reality of the actual trip is never as bad as my imagination makes it, and you would probablyfind the same thing. DH tends to be stressed when he gets in the plane but has a lot of tried & trusted self help routines and a tin of rescue remedy so,between us, we conquer our fears and I'm typing this from a sunbed in Barbados. There are lots of self help things online and, as others have said, a GP visit woukdnt go amiss.
As regards whether or not you should accept the invitation, that's more tricky. I'm sure if you don't go, you'll always wish you had and, in the light of my saying that it's possible to "big up" experiences out of all proportion,maybe you should go.
We have 2 dear rescue cats, the apples of our eyes. We live in a very rural area and they love roaming around, there's no way we'd put them in a cattery. We use Mindahome and House Sitters UK , both of which have provided us with some super people who live in and look after our cats & home whilst we're away. I definitely recommend you explore this option.

Smileless2012

twiglet said in her OP that the condition of her house doesn't make it suitable for a pet/house sitter to stay there.

I really wouldn’t worry about the state of your house, most pet house sitters are avid animal lovers and they aren’t going to be judging your home. I think if you could know that your dogs are being cared for in their own home, you’d relax a bit and be able to cope with everything else. I have to say the scenario you’ve described sounds like my worst nightmare but I’m sure your daughter would be very disappointed if you don’t attend.

If you can decide to have your neighbours look after the dogs, perhaps you could go to the wedding with somebody, even your son?

Why don't you restart their vaccinations,that's an easy one...why did you stop them in first place? Important they have them. I do home boarding and I'm sure they will be fine if you do that as they will be the only dogs. I would do it sooner rather than later as it gets booked up fast..Barking Mad...UK wide Next see your GP for anxiety issues..You must attend your daughter's wedding. I understand you being on your own,I was in same position...My ex with his new wife..🤮. Hard but...If heat bothers you keep cool and stay in shade. You will have your other daughter and grandchildren so not on your own...Can you take a friend,ask your daughter? Don't see why not? If you had a partner you would be taking them. I think you have to go but discuss with your GP and your daughter's. The dogs can be sorted,trust me on that one ..I looked after a 14 yr old. Was so upset when he had to get put to sleep and got a lovely message from his owners. He was happy when he came to stay and when his owners realised that,they were finally able to get worry free breaks. I sent them pics and videos. Please relax and do things I've suggested but you have to go. Take care. X

Twiglet, I think Madeleine45 has given lots of useful thoughts about your anxiety issues including the dogs.
Meanwhile, you have to decide if you're going to this wedding. Personally, I don't think I would want to go. I'm not an anxious person, but I would resent the expense and disruption, also the assumption that I'd be the one looking after the children. I agree with others who have said that having weddings in holiday destinations is really difficult for friends and families.

Is your daughter’s marriage in Greece recognised here or does she have to have a registry office marriage first? Ours were getting married in Thailand but had the actual official marriage in Leeds town hall as it would not have been legal. Could you just go to the registry office here if that is the case ?
Otherwise you must consider what is best for you, emotionally, mentally, physically and financially. Put yourself first because your daughter & co haven’t done so.

I think you must go. Like you I am divorced and my ex has a new partner. My daughter got married in Cyprus and I worried. I took a close female friend as support and that worked well.

I do feel for you. Why should you feel obliged to go to a Greek Island for a wedding, especially if it is causing you so much stress and anxiety? I know you want to help your daughter but she is asking too much of you here.
Maybe try writing her a letter with your reasons for not going and then read it out to her? It will clarify your thoughts and feelings, and help you to explain things to her.

My brother got married abroad, and invited no one, I’m pretty sure this was their reason for doing it, so that they wouldn’t have to.

I hate flying, but I think if it was my daughter’s wedding I’d have to grit my teeth and get on with it.

People suggest getting something for the flight, but that doesn’t help with the weeks of crippling anxiety beforehand.

I don’t think you have to go if you really feel you can’t, but you are bound to feel really guilty about it, and it possibly might affect your relationship with your daughter, definitely a tricky one.

Cambsnan

I think you must go. Like you I am divorced and my ex has a new partner. My daughter got married in Cyprus and I worried. I took a close female friend as support and that worked well.

Why must she go ? She has a lot of reasons not to

Follow your feelings for you twiglet and don’t be pushed into feeling you must do anything

I told all my family years ago when destination wedding became the 'thing to do', that I would not be going.

I would send my best wishes and of course a cheque.

The length of the flight to where they live [if not a destination wedding] would definitely make a difference.... and the length of time I'd be away.
I'm okay with a two hour flight and a 3 day weekend.

I think it is wrong of your older DD to call you a drama queen as you do have genuine worries about attending the wedding. So could you arrange to sit down with, ideally, both DDs and explain that you really want to attend but that you are terribly anxious and it is making you ill. Outline each of your worries but don’t mention the dogs! Firstly stress that you would only want to stay for the wedding weekend because of the heat but are worried about travelling back alone and tell them about your social anxiety - perhaps they don’t fully understand. Ask them how they could help you overcome these problems, maybe by ensuring someone accompanies you to the airport and making sure you are not left alone during the wedding and party. If your daughter really wants you to attend I’m sure she will come up with solutions. If she can’t at least she will know why you can’t go and, hopefully, understand. I’m sure if the right arrangements are put in place you would cope and maybe even enjoy it. I do hope so. Best wishes

Would your daughter agree to your taking a 'plus one' with you, if you have a good friend who would enjoy accompanying you? With a companion you could make it an opportunity for a short holiday together. That would depend on your finding a solution to the issue of your dogs. I hope you can find a friend or neighbour who would help you to solve that dilemma. Good luck. Weddings are nor always fun,, but if you can turn this 'ordeal' into an opportunity, you might enjoy a break.

PS. Sorry - I missed the part whee you said 'I don't have friends'. Your DD must know this and understand how much of a 'loner' you are. Perhaps she will be half expecting you to bow out and won't be too upset if you explain your feelings, calmly and unemotionally,

I think it is sad, that she has chosen to get married abroad, when she, of all people, knows you have such difficulties with this.

Personally I'd find the courage to attend and plaster a smile on my face to make her day, however, if this is really something you can't do, I think I'd say something along the lines of "AS YOU KNOW, I have always found flying and the heat a challenge, and as I've got older this seems to have got so much worse so I'm sorry but I'm afraid I just CAN'T come to the wedding. I wonder if together, we could arrange a 2nd post wedding get together for everyone - and include those who would like to come and see you married, but can't get there? We could set a screen up to show pictures/videos of the wedding, have a nice buffet and disco (whatever floats your boat) - in short, 2 joyous celebrations. Make it sound like a positive rather than a negative.

Or, "because it's abroad, and you know I can't do that, maybe I could take the newlyweds out for a lovely meal and you could show me all your pictures etc"

I don't think I'd go. You have so many reasons not to. Sad she's chosen to marry abroad but it's her wedding. However, maybe there could be a lovely party back at home upon their return.

It's not good for you to worry so much about this. Stress impacts physically as well as mentally.

Twiglet, it's up to you.
Families and expectations are very different, as we've seen in the different posts.
For some it's shocking not to go, for others, it's all very understandable and explanations and offers of celebrations back home would be fine.

I agree,there are 2 family weddings this summer, one in Cyprus and one in Greece and it’s putting unbearable pressure on those invited. Fortunately we haven’t been invited, but my daughters have.
I think it’s very “entitled “behaviour to expect guests to fork out hundreds of pounds on flights and accommodation, as well as clothes and a present.

Barring a true mental health issue I wouldn’t put my dogs over my child’s wedding. I think everyone, meaning you and your children, should accept that their choices may make someone unhappy, and everyone must be prepared to cope without judging the feelings of the other. We all make choices, but we cannot expect others to swallow their feelings. Someone is going to be upset one way or another and no one will be wrong.

I’ve given this a great deal of thought!

I’ve changed my view slightly as it’s clear you, OP, are in a terrible place currently.

Please do see your GP about your anxiety and please do stay at home with your beloved dogs.

Just thank you daughter, ask her if there’s anything she’d like for a wedding g pressie, ask to see the videos and photos and wish them the very best.

Your health must come first

I always believe in being honest & forthright, it's no use beating around the bush!
I understand how worried you are about your elderly dog's. Regarding leaving them. I wouldn't/couldn't leave my old dog and I would simply & clearly explain the reason for my decision not to attend.
People often appreciate openness rather than sensing a negative atmosphere /resentful unwillingness.
You can always have a bit of a Doo at yours later with your furry friends as the joyous welcoming party.😊

Have you decided yet, Twiglet77?
Have you spoken with your daughter?
I wouldn’t dream of telling you you have to go. You have several good reasons why it would be extremely difficult for you and any daughter worth her salt should understand. I think they want to use you for child care too and that’s unfair.
If I were in your shoes I wouldn’t go. Weddings abroad are so unnecessary. You’ve been given good advice on various fronts. Do let us know what you decide.

👌

Excellent advice