Is what I have done so very wrong?.

I do feel for you. But also wondering if there is a backstory on this...other things that have gone on where your DD feels inadequate/ insecure/ out of control..? Not necessarily anything you have done but others.... am thinking these overreactions usually happen within a context.

You'll always be her mum... let the heat die down..try not to take it to heart but don' t keep apologising either. Goid luck xxx

I was just thinking about when my dad was dying in hospital. Various of the famiy gave thank you cards or gifts to the staff. It was totally up to everyone what they did or didn't do and was reflective of the kind of connection they had or didnt have with the nurses. It feels similar to the nursery staff. You have been involved, you have a relationship, you are the grandmother of your GC. Your DD doesn't own her children, they are part of a wider family and your free childcare help is part of that bigger family love.
As I said before, there must be something else going on. It will come out in the wash eventually. X

You are not at fault at all. Your dd should not dictate to whom you can give a small gift. As an old friend used to say “what a waste of a worry”.

When I worked in early years it was not unusual to get wee gifts or cards from someone who was not the child’s parent, but whom we saw regularly.
I’d say just let it be, and I’m sure normal service will be resumed.

I agree with Bluebelle. She’s feeling a bit out of control, it’ll be the hormones. Try not to worry, she’ll be back soon enough.

“what a waste of a worry”

Very good. I'll remember that one!

Your 2 year relationship with the school staff can't be ignored since you're the one who does the drop offs/pick ups, but your D doesn't want to be reminded of that! It probably brings it home to her that she's missing out on stuff.
Not your fault, not your problem and no need to apologise. What you're doing for her is something of great value and she's just behaved very badly, so get yourself some space and let her get over it in her own way.

I think BlueBelle has hit the nail on the head. When my children were small my mum did a lot of childcare for us. Being the sort of person she was, she quickly knew all the teachers, other parents, our neighbours and the window cleaner. Being the sort of person I was, I didn’t know any of them anywhere near as well as she did. Although I appreciated all her help, and loved the relationship she had with my children, it did make me feel rather useless and usurped in my role as a mum. I never said this to her, because I didn’t want to seem ungrateful but it did fester and I know I was very snappy with her at times. I think current generations are far more likely to speak out if we upset them, and that is both a good and a not so good thing. Much as I love looking after my own grandchildren, it’s made me very careful not to overstep the mark although I know I have got it wrong on a few occasions (probably more often than I know).

It’s not easy being a working mum, and almost every mum is a working mum now. It’s hard to see someone else doing the things you would like to/ feel you should be doing. Guilt comes with the territory.

I think you did a lovely thing CS 1958, with the very best intentions. You didn’t deserve the response you received from your daughter. But try to understand where it might come from. You know your daughter, would it be worth trying to talk about it calmly when things have settled and trying to understand each other’s point of view?

BlueBelle and nightowl I agree.

I remember when I was finishing my college course. My first baby was 4 months old and I took him to a childminder. I developed an irrational jealousy of the childminder and worried that I would miss his first steps and other milestones. I didn't but I think I can understand how your DD may be feeling.

My first baby was 4 months old and I took him to a childminder. I developed an irrational jealousy of the childminder and worried that I would miss his first steps and other milestones.

A good childminder, like a good grandparent, will never see a child take their first steps.

I would be concerned about your DDs well-being. You have done nothing wrong. You have nothing to apologise for

I think it was a kind gesture from you and DD needs to grow up you have nothing to apologise for

haxlayport

Whether it's truly wrong depends on your intent, impact, and willingness to make it right.

🤔

Allira

haxlayport

Whether it's truly wrong depends on your intent, impact, and willingness to make it right.

🤔

She has done nothing wrong.

Witzend

Of course there was nothing wrong with it! Your daughter’s reaction is way OTT and frankly bonkers.

Like you, I was very much involved with taking and collecting my granddaughters from pre school/school, and consequently got to know the teachers and we chatted together. My daughter would have been delighted if I’d chosen to leave a gift for them, in appreciation of them caring for my granddaughters. However, my daughter is in her fifties now, and my granddaughters 21 & 17. It would appear that these days new Mums in their thirties have an entirely different view on the grandparents’ role. She sounds insecure and selfish to me. Yes, see what happens in September! 💐

We get lot's of 'little thank-yous' from grandparents at our preschool. Quiet normal here
Due to our hours we get lots of grandparents/relatives picking-up dropping off, so we build a bond with them as well as the parents.

V3ra

^My first baby was 4 months old and I took him to a childminder. I developed an irrational jealousy of the childminder and worried that I would miss his first steps and other milestones.^

A good childminder, like a good grandparent, will never see a child take their first steps.

Very well put!

Of course it was your place to give a card and gift of thanks to the staff you've got to know over the last 2 years.

She says all her friends would feel the same then they all need to grow up; they're parents, not children.

I think you need to ask your daughter why she is so upset, maybe there is more to this than you think. Maybe she felt her gift wasn't good enough on its own and that is why you added more. The best thing to do is talk to her about it because none of us really know how she is feeling or what she is struggling with.

sparkle1234

I think your daughter may be tired and feeling a bit sensitive. I would ignore her reaction , she's got a new baby . You've been taking your Grandaughter and picking her up so it's natural you've formed a connection with the staff and wanted to thank them . Maybe she feels a bit sad that she hadn't been free to do the preschool runs because of work commitments, all these feelings can be intense after a new baby . I don't think you've crossed boundaries at all . Give her the space she wants but I'm sure it will be shortlived .

this

Sorry .. but she is bonkers ! What is the matter with these odd people ? You did nothing wrong at all ,,

You made a lovely gesture.
If you were my Mum I would be feeling very proud of you and very happy at how thoughtful you are.
Please don’t doubt yourself.

(I would go quiet and lie low to give her time to rethink things)

She over-reacted massively. What an ungrateful woman. Leave her to have all the space she needs - she'll need your help soon.

Well I agree with Hithere that at the end of the day your daughter is the parent and if that is how SHE feels about your kind little gift then that is the only opinion that actually matters in trying to resolve the situation.

I do think her reaction was over the top and unreasonable and "wanting space from you" also rather strange if just for this one thing. If I were you I would wait a while for her to contact you and see what happens. If she contacts you just when she needs childcare or help with children I would say something on the lines of:

"Yes as you know I am generally happy to help but I am not willing to just carry on without us having a calm discussion about what happened regarding my giving a present to ....! I want to understand exactly why you feel this was inappropriate and I'd like you to explain and I will listen."

If she agrees then REALLY listen. Then don't apologise endlessly etc etc. Explain your own viewpoint of your actions but in the context of her viewpoint acknowledging that she feels differently. ie have a proper adult conversation not you just desperately trying to "appease"

Before you do the above I do suggest that you do think about the "need space" comment in the context of your relationship with her.

If she foes not get in touch atall I suggest a card saying "I accept that you need space from me at the moment. It will be lovely to see you all when you feel ready"

Good luck 💐

You have done nothing wrong. Let her come round, she was out of order but with this heat and heavily pregnant she's just tetchy.