Is what I have done so very wrong?.

With my DC we have agreed to preface a difficult discussion with ‘you might not like this but I have to say it …’ So we stop, listen and try not to get huffy

A friend of mine used to do exactly this:
"You may not want to hear this, but I need to say it."
Then move on.

Ive had quite a few arguments with my DD probably because Im very outspoken. I go on the theory that my family will need me before I need them. I don't appologise unless I genuinly feel very sorry. To me sorry comes from the heart, not just words.
I dont think you did anything wrong at all OP. She will need you before you need her. Best wishes.

Lathyrus3

I guess she knows she hold all the trumps ( the grandchildren) so she can play her hand any way she wants, she’ll always be the winner🙁

If any of mine had a tantrum about what I did with my money and who I gave presents to they’d get a pretty sharp reminder about respect and boundaries.

But I don’t have grandchildren…………

Yes, I see this with a friend. The AC treat her in an appalling manner and use the GC as leverage.

I am shocked at how rude, disrespectful and ungrateful some young people are towards their parents these days. You are clearly a lovely person. I am so sorry to read that your daughter has upset and hurt you like this, it is unnecessary and you don’t deserve it. You did a kind thing with a good heart and with the best intentions. I do hope you are ok.

I am a bit of an outlier here and would have been really cross if my mother had done this. I wouldn't have cut her off but I would have probably been as angry as your daughter.

The arrangement was that you would help out your daughter until she could do it herself.
You may have developed a friendly relationship with staff but it most definitely IS overstepping to give them a gift!

It is, as your daughter says, not your place.
I know it came from a friendly place but it is usurping your daughter's relationship with the nursery.

Anyway, you know now... I see in hindsight I should have

I don't think it's anything to do with being first either!
That's irrelevant

I am amazed to find so many not getting that she is the mum and it is her place (and/or the children's father) to thank the staff.

How would you have felt if your mum had taken over like this? It's taking away her role as primary caretaker I feel.

As BlueBelle says "she’s probably a bit sad that she has to get someone else to do the school run when she’d really like to be the full on mum"

So maybe just rubbing salt into the wound?

I wouldn't have been cross if my mum had done this. I'd be grateful to her for helping me out; for arranging her day around my child's nursery time because without her I couldn't have managed.

Showing appreciation for the nursery staff isn't taking away her role as primary caretaker. That's ridiculous.

This is most unpleasant for you - and surely it should have been a complete non event. You have become friendly with some individuals at the school, and thanked them, with a small gift. You are entitled to your own social relationships, and to behave as you wish. I do hope this is out of character for your daughter as it really is over the top.

Smileless2012

I wouldn't have been cross if my mum had done this. I'd be grateful to her for helping me out; for arranging her day around my child's nursery time because without her I couldn't have managed.

Showing appreciation for the nursery staff isn't taking away her role as primary caretaker. That's ridiculous.

You can be grateful but still feel upset if it feels like grandparents are trying to take your place.

My DD wasn't upset but I asked, if I'd just done it she might have been. I had an interfering MIL and I'd have hated her doing something like this and if she'd had half a chance she would have.

I have 8 GC between my sons and daughter, never had any upset about the children and maybe that is because I make an effort not to overstep as I have experience of how upsetting it can be from the mother's perspective.

I'm.68 she is 36 is this a generational thing?

I'm older than you and I would have felt like your DD so no I don't think it is a generational thing.

theworriedwell
I agree.
And I agree it's not generational.
I would have felt the same too.

Also, you are right, we can all feel several things at once...

Grateful and irritated are not mutually exclusive.

Your daughter seems to be jealously guarding her status as the main person really in charge of the child. I wonder why she is so fearful. This reaction from her must feel to you very unpleasant.
My guess is she needs more than an apology; she needs a lot of reassurance perhaps in the form of praise for her as wife and mother. There is something going on with her.

FGS theworriedwell then maybe the OP's D and other children whose parents give up their time to help them with their children should be less sensitive. Or be prepared to pay for help so they can't feel that by doing what they can to help, their children's GP's are trying to take their place.

Having one's cake and eating it springs to mind.

Hi
Totally agree with everyone else! Maybe your daughter is on a guilt trip! Because you have a better rapport with the staff? Just saying.
I’m always amazed how our children behave when it suits! Not always kind or nice.
Take care.
Let us know what happens in September!

Good grief,, I feel so sad that people can get so huffy over a small matter..

just hope it all blows over,, I will apologise even if I don`t feel I have done something wrong, like "I am sorry" and if that helps good.... I am sorry that so small a thing can cause an upset between people... sorry that... oh gosh,, what is it with some people...

No you did nothing wrong, in my opinion you did everything right! You have freedom of expression and you exercised it in a lovely, thoughtful and encouraging way. Noone has the right to say otherwise. Keep on being kind, thoughtful and encouraging, we all need it!

What you've done isn't wrong at all! I'm a similar age to you and DD is 39 and she too can be very precious and prone to this type of flare up. It does make you feel awful, and I don't know why they do it - I wonder if as a generation we were too soft as parents having been subject to very strict post war parenting styles ourselves and they now think they rule the roost! Having said that though her brothers don't behave like this. I am gradually learning to not be riled and just let her vent and then distance myself for as long as I feel necessary. We love our little grandson though so whilst we sometimes feel "enough is enough" we always make sure to keep things as open as we can so as not to cut our noses off despite our faces. Kids eh....!

Oh my! What is wrong with your daughter? Her reaction is way over the top. What you did was kind and thoughtful and you didn’t need permission from your daughter to send a card and biscuits to the staff at the nursery. You’ve apologised to her and there’s nothing else you can do. I hope she realises how bad she has treated you after all the help you have given her.

…and me, very true

The DDs of today are so touchy and sensitive, my youngest is the same and she’s in her 40s. I know how it hurts and spoils your day but it’s done and when I’m in the dog house I leave her alone to get over it.

SHE wants space from YOU????? Cheeky madam! I'd give her all the space she wanted if she was as rude to me! You obviously know you haven't overstepped any boundaries, it's a lovely gesture which I'm sure was appreciated by the staff.

She'll soon be talking to you again when she needs a hand in the holidays!

You have only done what any decent, courteous person would have done, to say thank you to the staff you came to know over time. Your daughter is way out of line and should be appreciative that her mum is so thoughtful to, and considerate of others. My goodness, she would do well to take a leaf out of your book. Whatever is wrong with good manners?

First post nails it!

Blimey, is your daughter always hypersensitive like this? Your small gift for the staff at your grandaughter's preschool was totally appropriate and thoughtful. They will have appreciated the gesture and that will be why they mentioned it to your daughter, if that is how she found out. You did not have to tell her what you had done, it was just a small gift to mark your appreciation. I hope your daughter's reaction is just a sign of her stress with the new baby. You did not overstep any mark at all, you have developed a relationship with these caregivers and your daughter should actually appreciate your thought not feel offended by it.