Is what I have done so very wrong?.

V3ra
‘A good childminder, like a good grandparent, will never see a child take their first steps.’

Thank you, definitely something to bear in mind!

CS1958
Your daughter may have been already stressed to over-react like that. Several other factors were probably involved and your gift was, fo her, the last straw. Give her space and time, surely she, and your grandchildren, will still be needing you.

We have the same issues with our daughter....... it's really like walking on eggshells with her. Almost afraid to comment on anything these days. 🤷‍♀️

You don't need permission from anyone. She's being ridiculous and childish. You are not her staff or a lesser mortal. You're an independent grandmum, who did a nice thing...she should apologise to you!

Feel reassured Chicken. You did nothing to make her so cross.
I don’t know what is the matter with your daughter just give her some space to realise her mistake. X

Personally I thought you were thoughtful. As an older man I have two reasons for not understanding your daughters reaction. I hope the ladies on here can help.

I don't know about your daughter being furious OP, I think in your shoes I would be furious with her for being so ridiculous!! What on earth does it matter that you took in a gift for the staff, after interacting with them over your grandchild for all that time? Your daughter has absolutely no right to be angry, and even though she has just had a new baby, there is no excuse for blowing up at her own mum for something so stupid. I'd be giving her a lot of space, and wouldn't bother making contact until she apologised, although I know you may feel that this is cutting off your nose to spite your face, as it would obviously stop you having contact with the children. Sorry, I'm just SO mad that she thought that this behaviour was OK, but this generation seem to think that they're the only ones who can possibly be right about anything, and really are VERY entitled.

^It is, as your daughter says, not your place.
I know it came from a friendly place but it is usurping your daughter's relationship with the nursery.^

Sorry but I think that's a bit ridiculous. The nursery are never going to confuse the gran with the mother. Nothing the gran does can ever take anything away from the mother of the child.

As far as I am concerned the daughter should be damn grateful she has mum who is able, and willing, to do so much to help her out and stop talking to her about 'her place' as if she is some sort of servant. A bit of appreciation seems to be missing here.

If she were my daughter she would be getting a telling off for her attitude!Mine is 44 and would never behave like such an entitled precious one!
You have done nothing wrong but be a helpful considerate mum!

Your daughter's a bit of a drama queen, isn't she. You have built up a relationship with the staff having seen them so frequently over the last 2 years so you are quite entitled to give them a gift.

Goodness me CS1958!
You write as if you have done something wrong. Please stop feeling like that or letting your drama queen daughter make you feel like that.
"For the last 2 years I have taken my granddaughter to preschool 4 days a week"
I know of course you wont, but I'd be so tempted to send her an invoice!!
If you pander to her unreasonableness in this, you are doing neither her nor yorself and especially not your granddaughter any favours.
Let her take her distance. She will be in touch quickly enough when she needs your help.
Not generational, just being normal. Stand your ground.

Absolutely an overreaction to your kind gesture. I hope at some point you can talk to her and she will see how unreasonable she’s been, and you’re able to move forward. Why would anyone object to kindness?

Caleo

Your daughter seems to be jealously guarding her status as the main person really in charge of the child. I wonder why she is so fearful. This reaction from her must feel to you very unpleasant.
My guess is she needs more than an apology; she needs a lot of reassurance perhaps in the form of praise for her as wife and mother. There is something going on with her.

I agree, there might be something else going on BUT giving her reassurance and saying't it's all OK, there, there will not help her.
It's not OK to treat people like this and getting away with it will not help her. Maybe treating people like this has got her into problems!

Sorry, l just had to add my twopence worth.
I feel angry on your behalf! You sound lovely and caring and l would love you as a grandparent. Your daughter is rude and l think we can make as many excuses as exist for her, but she has behaved very badly indeed. Unfortunately l have had similar experiences done to me and so l know how you feel, it is hurtful and unkind and l'm sorry. You behaved perfectly correctly and whether she has PND or anything else for that matter-she is in the wrong. Try to put it out of your mind if you can as you have done nothing wrong at all! Xx

I can really empathise with you here. I have a 34 year old daughter who I have tried to raise (mainly single handedly) with decent values, manners and work ethic.
To give context, my daughter had a traumatic childbirth and almost died so she has been diagnosed as having PTSD. From my research PTSD can result in a lack of self awareness so currently she is 34 going on 15 in the way that she speaks to me.
Having said that, I do feel that the younger generations no longer rely on parents for advice and back up, since who needs it when they've got social media and google? ( I'm being sarcastic here). I feel that if I did what you did - which in my opinion was a lovely gesture, as I'm an ex teacher - my daughter would have reacted similarly. I'm always treading on eggshells these days and sadly, her husband appears afraid to cross her as well.
My daughter also says things like 'all my friends think / say...' which is a form of gaslighting. Just concentrate on your beautiful granddaughter and know that you are not alone.

Your daughter has gone completely over the top. It is she who should apologise not you. Your gesture to the staff was a lovely thought and completely the right thing to do.

Oh dear, it seems that you gave birth to a bit of a conceited princess. Of course you did no wrong in giving a thank you card and biscuits, you had a connection with the staff and it was a lovely gesture.
Just ignore DD, she’ll get over herself in a few days, particularly when she wants something from you 🙄

I agree with much of what has been said and think the key thing is to move on and not let it 'fester' in your mind, and this may help her to let it go too. She is probably short of sleep at the moment, which does not help her be balanced and calm. I am so so sad for whywhywhy who was estranged from her grandchildren for 2 years, and whose daughter still does not speak to her. I wish her and the OP a happier way ahead. There is something about mothers and grown up daughters which I do not understand, but seems to be about the daughter trying to escape from the childhood relationship and establish an Adult to Adult relationship with her mother, but not managing to step away enough. Once the mother and daughter have both let go the childhood/mother relationship they can establish an adult/adult relationship which recognises that childhood experience, but moves on from it. Mother can stand back - but daughter needs to find out how to do that too.
Meanwhile, mother has to be super careful not to trigger the unspoken reaction: "I am not a child any more! I can do what I want! I now have the power to get back at you that I didn't have as a child!' Maybe we need a group of people like marriage counsellors, but for mothers and grown up daughters.

Totally agree with Witsend, & very immature. Try not to overthink,I've been in a similar situation

Absolutely bonkers .
What you did was lovely and I would do the same . So clear your mind .

I too made this mistake when I saw how hard the carers worked for my brother with mnd . One carer particularly worked v v hard for no pay on the day of his 50th birthday she just faded into the background to be around for my brother who was no walking talking etc etc .
I sent a card to her to thank for that day and flowers . It made him more relaxed and took the strain off everyone.
His wife went bonkers . Like you she said I’d over stepped. But in my heart I knew my brother appreciated the gesture

Your daughter is being totally unreasonable, it's none of her business to whom you give gifts.

How would you have felt if your mum had taken over like this? It's taking away her role as primary caretaker I feel.

What an extraordinary comment.
The grandmother has NOT taken over; she has helped her daughter by taking and collecting her granddaughter four days a week for two years, because for whatever reason, the daughter was unable to do it herself. She has, unsurprisingly, developed a relationship with the staff . Instead of gratitude she gets a mouthful of abuse from her immature 36 year old daughter. Does she have 'mental health problems', or is she simply rude?
I heard recently how much the behaviour of young children entering school has deteriorated, and if this mother is typical of mothers today it confirms my suspicions that it is the parents who are responsible for the poor behaviour of their offspring, not lack of SureStart or Covid.

she is so angry with me saying it's not my place to say thanks as I'm not the parent.

Who DOES this woman think she is, saying 'it's not your place' to her mother, having used her for two years as an unpaid help?

Surely whilst you are yaking your granddaughter to preschool you are 'in loco parentis' even if you weren't what you did was a kind gesture and a lovely thought, don't waste anymore time wondering if you did wrong, you certainly did not 🥰

Don't worry. She will need you before you will need her! I often buy a gift for grandchild to give to teachers. Daughter says thank you. She is a teacher and it's another thing she doesn't have to think about.

Don’t take it to heart. The Mother daughter relationship is never easy. Working Mums need us but they also feel guilty that someone else picks up children and has relationships with the school and so on. If you have told her she is right and you did overstep (even if you don’t think you did) just move on and let the dust settle. She will realise she needs you soon enough.