moving on after bereavement

learnergran .

To anyone suffering such grief, I hope today is a better day for you than yesterday.

learnergran and gally - Such moving posts. I wish you both well today.

I know we have all said it before time and time again..but! what if! we had never logged onto "Gransnet" what if! "Granset had never been developed"!
where on earth would we have posted our troubles our thoughts..! we may have kept them stored away inside us..... bottled up and not to be shared, and who would have thought that we would or could share our most private thoughts with complete strangers! (I use the term "strangers! loosely now as I never ever consider anyone as a stranger on "gransnet" anymore, I know I could private msg anyone of you in confidence and that you would all respond in a kind and caring way, even if we don't feel like posting, as sometimes you can't always find the words but we can still pop in and have a litte look around, peep our heads over the garden wall and say " hello"
Some of us may not have as many friends as others for one reason or another, we don't always have a "best friend" but here we can write down our thoughts
and hopefully comfort others at the same time.. lets see what today has to offer...take care all

Biker I echo your post wholeheartedly. Gransnet members demonstrate the true meaning of friendship and sisterhood. I hope today brings some peace to everyone of you suffering in one way or another {{{hugs}}}

baubles

And I totally second that as well learner and gally hope your day is a better one...learning to tread round the huge hole left by your loved one,means sometimes you fall into it and have to pull your self out again...biker is so right about the sisterhood and friendship and support ,and if like me a slip of the finger when looking at mumsnet showed there was a place for me...love you allxxxxxxxx

I can't read this thread without crying. I feel so sad for all of you who have been bereaved but, selfishly, I also feel sad for me. We have lost a few friends lately and have found that very difficult but I have no idea how I would cope with DH dying. I can't even think about rehearsing!!

You have given me an insight into how I might help my bereaved friends but I know it will never be enough.

My heart goes out to all of you who have lost a beloved husband. It will be 6 years in January, yet still I wake up in the middle of the night, hearing a bump or creak, and call "Is that you love?" Still I come in from shopping sometimes and shout "I'm home!" I think the worst of all is when something happens, a family event, maybe, and I want to tell him first. But I can't.

I was out last night, and have just logged on. Like kittylester, I cannot read the thread without crying. I just cannot begin to imagine....and although it cannot be one iota of comfort to anyone suffering such raw grief, my heart goes out to you all. xx

Oh we would like to hug you, and while virtual hugs may help, not like the real kind are they.
I can't help thinking that the way we live now makes it more difficult. Much more difficult. Because the "nuclear family" becomes, with the way we do things, a couple and then a single person without a family group around them. For millions of years we evolved to live in extended multi-generation families and tribes. This experiment in doing things differently is not really working is it, in so many ways.

it does cross my mind about how on earth to Grandads cope ! we as gransnetters band together, but I wonder how the men cope when they have lost their love of their life, I know we have the odd few grandads on here, and it seems men don't share things the same as women do..but at the same time they must be devastated.

I don't think men cope very well at all in general, and that's why so many of them find someone else so quickly.
Which is hurtful to other family members, and causes a lot of discord.

Gally
I do not know what to say but feel that is no excuse not to say something.
I like you cannot bear to look at family photographs where we are all so happy.I was married at 19 for nearly 41 years and I do not know how to be without him. All my adult life he was with me and now each day he seems to move further away from me.
In a previous post you mentioned that something always seemed to happen when you were feeling down I found those thoughts from you very helpful .
For me it was six months ago and like you it seems to get harder and harder.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all

Smoluski Nellie, your message comes from the heart. Such wise words.

narg

Loving thoughts with you all in a situation that we all find so hard to imagine - or try and avoid doing so.

I too try and imagine it as OH is far from well. He tends to choke - even on his own saliva - and sometimes I wake in the night and prod him as he is so drugged up at night you cannot hear him breathing and I worry he may have choked.

My oldest GS (9) has started asking so many questions and one of them was: "Do we only have one life, and is that really fair?" I am sure we can all identify with his cry from the heart.

All we can hope for is the loving support of those (both virtual and "real") if we are faced with such a situaiton.

Just been driving down the M1 and listening to the wonderful Nanci Griffith singing. One of her songs - Across the Great Divide contains the words (apologies Nanci if any of them are not quite right):

"Now, I hear the owl a-callin'
Softly as the night was fallin'
With a question and I replied
But he's gone across the borderline

He's gone away. Yesterday.
Now I find myself on the mountainside.
Where the rivers change direction
Across the Great Divide."

They seemed appropriate.

its two years for my husband he suffered with a stroke for 12 years then we found out he had cancer .he only lasted 8 weeks .i some times think i should sell up and move as i still feel he is still hear .the only thing is the hassel of trying to sell .

and love to learner, gally and all of those left without their DH or OH.

When my exDH left me, I couldn't bear to look at family photos, even now some 20 years on, I find a tear in my eye when I take out an album and see the happy times we had as a family.

But, this doesn't even come close to how those in long term (or short) loving relationships cope when their OH has died. I am now so lucky to be with my long-term OH, but one day, one of us will be left on our own. I don't think it is something you can "rehearse" for, it is inevitable and as such those of us with our DHs or OHs must cherish every day we have together.

To london - I'm going through the same thing as you - I put mine up for sale yesterday and am hoping to get either a little flat to rent or sheltered accommodation nearer my son, 200 miles away. I am dreading the hassle of selling like you, but I feel I must make the move now or I never will. I know I've got both happy and sad memories of this place, but I really feel I am doing the right thing now. I wish you luck in your decision xx

thanks peaches41 a do live beside all my family but all see after xmas .the same as you a flat will do just fine xx

Loving thoughts and hugs to all of you ladies who are suffering just now. Your posts are remarkable and I wish you all better days in the future

Matthew Parris wrote a lovely article today about the subject of this thread and included this poem. I wanted to share it with you all as it spoke to me even though it is over 12 years since my DH died.
Yesterday Frances Gibb, our legal editor, sent me a poem — Condolences — that she had written last year, for herself mostly, after the death of her husband:
Please do not ask
If I am now recovering
Or if I see the light
At the tunnel’s end.
Nor speak about relief — or burdens lifted.
And, worst of all, new starts.
Please, please don’t ask
If I am getting through —
Have come to terms
Or find my life Is back on track.
Of course I live each day to each
And gladly smile
My coping, to “prepare a face
To meet the faces that you meet”.
What else is there to do?
In any case, you would not want to know
The daily loss that lasts eternally.
Just, please, don’t ask.

I don't know what time does but it doesn't take the pain away. Perhaps it makes it more manageable. It becomes part of you and if someone offered to take it away, you wouldn't want them to because the pain is the link to the one you lost.

lucid Many thanks for sharing a beautiful poem. Matthew Parriss is one of my top favourite journalists. I would like to tell you a true story concerning him. I shall do so under the heading People I admire...