moving on after bereavement

elegran

Elegran your friend is insightful. One thing I have missed since my mother died, is it is eleven months now since we had a conversation. We used to talk for hours about all sorts of things. Another thing I notice is that it seems as though she has been gone for a long time and also just recently.

I am not a widow but over the last 12mths have had 3 berevaments manly close family, the last one in January. I was so depressed I had to have couselling It did me a lot of good. Still have good and bad days but it will get easier. Stop running away from it and everyday gets a tiny bit easier. Try and meet lots of people and socialise when you can. Good luck. P.S talking helps a lot.

Elegran - your words reflect so well how I feel. Thanks for your response, it's made me feel a lot stronger. So sorry to hear about your husband, I can't really offer any advice but Just this. Take care of yourself - I have had nothing but illness since my husband died, ibs for ages, attacks of vertigo, and just recently, shingles, which I am still suffering from the after-effects 12 months later. Thank you again my virtual friend. Maybe one day we will find happiness again.

I have lost both of my parents and that was hard. Went to a funeral last week for a dear family member.

However, I think the most challenging loss will be DH if he 'goes' first. I often try to rehearse how I will cope if/when it happens but it is almost unimaginable.

I read this thread with a lump in my throat for those people going through such a dark time.

Also read it as a kind of preparation for what the future might bring, seeing what other people experience and how they manage.

I think you just cannot rehearse for such an event, petallus apart from being aware that it could happen and not closing your mind even to the possibility.

If/when it does, good friends and neighbours are needed, and outside interests that will take you out of the house. If you have kept your financial affairs in good order and know where to find all the paperwork and contact names and numbers that are needed to organise your life, you will not have all that kerfuffle as well as the trauma.

Wise words from Elegran.
Petallus there's no way you can rehearse for something you have no idea how you will cope with. When Mr.G died, I found strength from I know not where, which carried me through. I am a naturally loud and gregarious person but now, nine months later (and still loud!) I am finding it more and more difficult to come to terms with the fact that he has gone and I will never see him again. I can't bear to look at photos of him, of us and of him with our family; it just breaks my heart and as I said in another post, the arrival of various anniversaries and also the arrival of new grandchildren who will never know him, is making life incredibly difficult. I'm angry at being cheated out of a full and long life with him. I feel as if I live in a vacuum. I thought I was doing so well, but I just seem to be going backwards, and as my Dad would have said, I can't see the wood for the trees. . I just tell myself that I'm not alone feeling like I do, as there are thousands of others all feeling the same, sad for the loss of what might have been, fearful of what is to come.

Oh gally Huge hugs.

Gally I wish I had the words to give you comfort. Hugs from me too

gally {{hugs}} to you

Gally

gally it WILL get better I promise. After 9 years I still have the odd weepy day but they are few and far between.
Talking helps and you have plenty of sympathetic listeners on here. DO use us and I'm sure that I'm speaking for a lot of us when I say that.
I'm not very good in writing, but if you want to actually talk to someone rather than post, pm me and I'll give you my phone number!
In the meantime ((hugs))

Gally what can I say? You have expressed very understandable emotions of grief, bereavement and anger. When we said those words "Till death us do part", I wonder how many of us appreciated what we were signing up to? It will come to most of us and we just hope that the love of those around us, family and friends, will help us to get through it all.

Gally I can't know how you feel, I can only imagine.
I will never feel like you do, as I've never had a wonderful relationship like you and your Dh. So even though you are grieving, I sort of envy your sadness if you understand me, and your memories.
I'm sure they give you a lot of comfort (((hugs))) I hope so xx

Gally it's a tribute to your great relationship that you should feel like this. If you had left him behind, he would probably be saying and feeling the same. I hope you will be able to look at photos and enjoy your memories of him soon, as they can bring such comfort. jeni has expressed those feelings, too. I'm so sorry your lovely husbands are no longer here. Those of us who haven't had such happy and content marriages still understand what you are missing. Take care

going back to the " trying to rehearse" for that terrible time! silly as it sounds I myself have imagined rehersing as well, as DH seems to have been ill for so long..and sometimes when he has gone to bed early and I have the tv off and the house is quiet, I try to imagine what it's like to sort of prepare myself(which I know is daft as it's near impossible) when I go out shopping etc as I am walking back up the path and putting the key in the door I sort of "prepare" myself, (especialy if DH was in bed when I went out) when I open the front door and the post is still in the letter box and his stairlift still at the top of the stairs, I just put my bags on the floor and go straight upstairs (and usualy find him sat there resting ) This morning I nipped for a bit of shopping , when I came back he was gasping for breath! he had struggled so much getting dressed (after being told not!! to get dressed) but being independant as he is!! then some one had knocked at the door to deliver parcels for next door! grrrrrr I have told DH not!!!! TO GO TO THE door when I am not in! but do they listen? nope! he was left gasping for breath and looked so ill and to be honest well I thought today might have been the day, as he also has chest infection and on his usual steroids and anti biotics nebuliser etc etc
so yes I can imagine others trying to "prepare" for the worst, but I know when that day/night comes it will feel like someone has slapped you so hard across the face!! and pulled the rug from under you.

Gally biker.Lost for words,can only send a big (( hug))

I know I did, as I discovered about 10 years into my marriage he had progressive kidney disease. I dreaded the annual checkups and when he went into end stage renal failure! Well
He was then put onto dialysis and still continued to sail and work. After about 8months he was given a transplant. This transformed our lives.
Can I please beg you all to carry doner cards!
We then had several good years until he was diagnosed with Ca colon.
The next two years were horrendous and I kept as you say trying to ' rehearse '
It does not help!
It's a long time ago now.
I appologise for this rant. Just needed to 'get it off my (size 42 ) chest!

Don't apologise Jeni xx

jeni and for all the rest of you (I, too, 'rehearse' in my head as DH is not at all well...)

What humbling, moving, inspiring words from such brave ladies. I've lost my two brothers in the last two years, my mother as well but I utterly dread the loss of my partner as I can't imagine that pain. to you all

I've tried posting one or two comments on other posts in the last few days but have not until now been able to come back to this one. Partly tiredness - I haven't slept more than an hour or two at a time since DH died and since the funeral have been exhausted - but the postings of my fellow bereaved were more than I could bear to read and think about.
It is so hard to take in that this is real. And permanent. I feel like saying OK, you can come out now. But he doesn't.
Gally, you express so well what is in my head and my heart. Thank you for mentioning the anger. I was and am angry that this has happened and I too feel cheated. We went through nearly 30 years, getting on with day to day life, expecting to start this new phase of our lives, looking forward to it, and now I have to face it alone. I'm left with a big empty house to finish and move into without him, and cannot imagine what it was all for.
There can be no preparation for this. I think the best anyone can do is to realise that it doesn't just happen to someone else. One of a couple will go first. If you are lucky it will be you. If not, it may help if you have made the most of the time you were given. All the old wisdoms - don't let the sun go down on your anger; live each day as if it is your last, there are so many, all true as all cliches are true.

Learnergran

Gally and Learner

I dont have words for you all, but one day if I am left I too will be where you are and I dont want to be there {{{hugs}}}