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Parents being used for constant childcare by sister

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SallyAnn Mon 20-Aug-12 10:48:10

Background: Parents are pensioners - nearing 70. I am the eldest of three daughters. Sister in question is the youngest, late 20's. Myself and middle sister live about 1 hour away, youngest sister lives 5 minutes up the road. We all have children. Children of youngest sister: 2 and 5.

Problem: Sister is constantly around parent's house with said children. Parents are being used as childcare day in, day out. She will turn up in the morning - and stay put till her hubby gets back from work. She will go upstairs and sit on computer, checking facebook, mumsnet etc. Kids are left roaming around downtairs usually - mum and dad left watching them, dealing with food requests and general children wants and needs. If parents need to go out - sister and children will accompany them.

Mum has confided to me that she is very tired and having the children there almost constantly is becoming very draining. They start screaming and being loud as kids will and mum says that she finds herself starting to shake and becoming anxious. I will ring her up to see how she is early evening and I can hear them all romping and screaming in the background. I will say, 'it sounds busy, where is 'J'' - mum replies, 'she is sitting on the computer'. It is making my mum ill and she will not say anything to her. My dad is not in the best of health either.

We will go round to see them at weekends, and sister will even turn up then, depending on what her hubby is doing. I rarely get to see my parents on their own. This sounds petty I know but I would like to see them without having to see her and her offspring!

Mum says I mustn't say anything to her - I am not sure. I feel that if I start to say something I will not stop, there will be a huge fight. I feel she is being selfish.

So Gransnet - what should I do? Put up and shut up knowing my mum is becoming ill? Or start World War 3 by suggesting that she could perhaps look after her own children and stop abusing mum and dad's good nature. Am I just jealous because she has free childcare when I haven't? Sorry so long. Ask questions if you think I have left anything out. Thank-you.

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HappyZebra Thu 03-Aug-23 07:48:53

If you genuinely want to see your mum without your sister, have you tried expressing this to your mum? If you were to say something like, "Mum, I'd really love to spend a little time with you as I miss seeing you on my own (or just as my family). It feels different when I come over and my sister is there. I don't feel like I (or myself and the kids) can connect with you in the same way as we do on our own and I would really appreciate some special time just for us. Is this something you would like to do too? Can we plan a time in the next week where it's just us? "

You may find that you get some alone time with her. Acting as a confidant means you aren't expressing your feelings, you're just listening or trying to problem solve.

I think expressing your feelings and understanding what your wants and needs are (not your mums) and trying to get them fulfilled is going to put you in a better place than trying to take on your mums problems for her.

In all likelihood if you phrase a question like the one above, the chances are she will want to try to free up some time to see just you (or your family) and that in turn may start the process of her seeing it's okay to be busy or unavailable if your sister comes calling. So it may end up being a bit of a win win.

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Aldom Thu 03-Aug-23 08:14:13

HappyZebra I'm afraid your thoughtful post will not have been read by the OP, because she posted in
2012.

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Cabbie21 Thu 03-Aug-23 08:23:47

I wish Gransnet could close very old posts, to prevent further posts. Maybe a section where they can still be read?

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Serendipity22 Thu 03-Aug-23 08:43:17

Ohhh heck ! I read your post and thought why is your sister there so much? why has she no friends.... obviously Im not meaning you know the answers but it seems a strange 1. From your point of view you know the affect this is all having on your mum and dad but it seems your sister is only doing what she sees as normal - going to see my mum and dad, what am I doing wrong? How can the words "Do you mind not going round as much" not hurt or upset your sister?

I think to defuse this negativity the computer be brought downstairs so mum is amongst IT all going on, also instead of your mum or dad being the 1's to carry out the request from the GC I think your mum should start and say " can you ask mummy to get you -" ...maybe the situation has developed into what it is now because your mum has allowed it to happen.. nooooooooo fault of your mums whatsoever I just mean its progressed into the present situation.

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Georgesgran Thu 03-Aug-23 08:45:06

These children are probably looking after the grandparents now!!! IT’S AN OLD THREAD!

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eddiecat78 Thu 03-Aug-23 09:16:35

Other forums I belong to show an alert if you try to post on threads that have been "dead" for a while

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Callistemon21 Thu 03-Aug-23 09:47:04

eddiecat78

Other forums I belong to show an alert if you try to post on threads that have been "dead" for a while

Yes, GN does that too, eddiecat, there is an alert in the message box, but often it's a spammer who posts and re-opens the thread, as in this case.

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