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Parents being used for constant childcare by sister

(58 Posts)
SallyAnn Mon 20-Aug-12 10:48:10

Background: Parents are pensioners - nearing 70. I am the eldest of three daughters. Sister in question is the youngest, late 20's. Myself and middle sister live about 1 hour away, youngest sister lives 5 minutes up the road. We all have children. Children of youngest sister: 2 and 5.

Problem: Sister is constantly around parent's house with said children. Parents are being used as childcare day in, day out. She will turn up in the morning - and stay put till her hubby gets back from work. She will go upstairs and sit on computer, checking facebook, mumsnet etc. Kids are left roaming around downtairs usually - mum and dad left watching them, dealing with food requests and general children wants and needs. If parents need to go out - sister and children will accompany them.

Mum has confided to me that she is very tired and having the children there almost constantly is becoming very draining. They start screaming and being loud as kids will and mum says that she finds herself starting to shake and becoming anxious. I will ring her up to see how she is early evening and I can hear them all romping and screaming in the background. I will say, 'it sounds busy, where is 'J'' - mum replies, 'she is sitting on the computer'. It is making my mum ill and she will not say anything to her. My dad is not in the best of health either.

We will go round to see them at weekends, and sister will even turn up then, depending on what her hubby is doing. I rarely get to see my parents on their own. This sounds petty I know but I would like to see them without having to see her and her offspring!

Mum says I mustn't say anything to her - I am not sure. I feel that if I start to say something I will not stop, there will be a huge fight. I feel she is being selfish.

So Gransnet - what should I do? Put up and shut up knowing my mum is becoming ill? Or start World War 3 by suggesting that she could perhaps look after her own children and stop abusing mum and dad's good nature. Am I just jealous because she has free childcare when I haven't? Sorry so long. Ask questions if you think I have left anything out. Thank-you.

GraniSuz Wed 26-Sept-12 14:08:40

This is definately a problem your parents should address although I can understand you protecting them. I look after my grandson aged 2 once a week between 8am to 3pm while my daughter works. I will be 65 in December. My other grandson is cared for too during half-terms & holidays along with his brother. I babysit when required at her house (about 10 miles away) but I refuse to have them to stay here as we still have a daughter living at home who works nights & don't have the room anyway. My husband, who is 68, is quite strict about not being taken advantage of. Fortunately, my daughter's partners mum helps out too & sometimes we swap days. Your parents need a life of their own - not to be at your sister's beck and call so encourage your parents to say something before its too late. I know it is difficult for you but it has to be done by them. Good luck!

jacindaardern Wed 02-Aug-23 14:54:36

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Callistemon21 Wed 02-Aug-23 15:01:05

Reported.

Old thread. The children in the OP must be 15 and 18 now 😁

Wyllow3 Wed 02-Aug-23 15:03:56

Mishap

I'm with petallus on this one - your parents are grown adults and their decisions about how to deal with any problems that they may or may not have with your sister are theirs to make. I should stay well out of it if I were you!

I sometimes feel exhausted by the care we give to the GC of one DD; but I make the choice to deal with that in my own way - I choose to feel whacked sometimes in return for the wonderful relationship that I am building with my GC and with my DD as a Mum. Only I can decide when I need to say no I cannot do it. I would be jolly cross if any of my other DD's took it into their heads to interfere!!

It is not as if your parents are completely in their dotage. Allow them the dignity of treating them as adults.

I agree with mishap, SallyAnn. Your mum and Dad aren't that old, lots of us gransnetters are older and active.

its up to them ro say "No" and set boundaries! Dragging the whole family in thats really bad news and will cause bad feelings all round.

Now if they were in their 80's AND vulnerable that might be a different matter.

Callistemon21 Wed 02-Aug-23 15:09:15

It's an old thread, Willow 🙂

pooohbear2811 Wed 02-Aug-23 15:29:19

could you suggest your parents switch off the internet? either when she comes in or after an hour so she has no need to sit up the stairs all day.
Maybe your parents cant be bothered with the arguments and easier to keep the peace by doing what they are doing?

Grandmabatty Wed 02-Aug-23 15:40:48

Zombie!!!

Debbi58 Wed 02-Aug-23 15:53:24

I can empathise with you , I have twin daughters, just turned 30. One still lives at home, she's a teacher, my other daughter left home at 17, with a new born baby and her then boyfriend. We had daily phone calls asking for help, I was there more than at home . My daughter then had another child at 19. She then split with her boyfriend, again lent on us heavily. My childless daughter thought I was doing too much and could see how tired I was when I got home . She spoke to her sister about it and it caused a row, I struggled to say no to her because I could see she was struggling and I was the only person that helped her . Eventually as the children got older, I have taken a step back myself . I wouldn't say anything to my sister if I were you , it's frustrating, but it does need to come from your parents.

Callistemon21 Wed 02-Aug-23 15:57:10

Grandmabatty

Zombie!!!

😂

I'll shout louder, Grandmabatty!

IT'S AN OLD THREAD!

The children must be 15 and 18 now.

lyleLyle Wed 02-Aug-23 16:04:01

Encourage your parents to sort it. They need to pull back but it would be better coming from them.

Blondiescot Wed 02-Aug-23 16:11:27

Even the shouting hasn't worked...

Aldom Wed 02-Aug-23 16:21:29

They're not listening Callistermon. grin

Delila Wed 02-Aug-23 16:58:49

Haha, I wonder how it all worked out in the end…

Sara1954 Wed 02-Aug-23 17:00:25

I’ve been in a similar situation, but my youngest came back home with three children!
I may have had the odd moan to the other children over the years, but I would have been fuming if they had had a go at her on my behalf.
Your parents are not old, but your mum does sound pretty stressed, even so, as much as she moans, if she can’t cope, she’s the one who needs to say something, not you, not your siblings.
Lastly, regarding your sister, it doesn’t sound a very normal situation, I don’t get why she wants to be there all the time, something doesn’t seem right there.

Hithere Wed 02-Aug-23 17:08:08

Lol, zombie is eating popcorn too

Callistemon21 Wed 02-Aug-23 17:45:50

🍿🍷

Luckygirl3 Wed 02-Aug-23 17:53:52

It really is very old indeed - I appear there with an old username!!!

Sara1954 Wed 02-Aug-23 17:58:56

Oh, just noticed!
I had never heard of gransnet then, wonder what happened?

silverlining48 Wed 02-Aug-23 18:00:47

This thread is 11 years old…..

lyleLyle Wed 02-Aug-23 18:18:05

I’ve fallen victim to the zombie thread as well shock

Callistemon21 Wed 02-Aug-23 19:41:43

Luckygirl3

It really is very old indeed - I appear there with an old username!!!

wink

First thing I noticed, then I went back and checked the date!!

Callistemon21 Wed 02-Aug-23 19:43:30

Delila

Haha, I wonder how it all worked out in the end…

They left home!

Not the grandchildren, the grandparents.
Last heard of they were sunning themselves on a world cruise 😀

Delila Wed 02-Aug-23 21:32:52

Good for them 👋

Wyllow3 Wed 02-Aug-23 21:38:39

Callistemon21 I just missed your post - 2 minute gap while I was writing!

I wonder indeed re outcomes.

I'll be on my guard now date checking!

Callistemon21 Wed 02-Aug-23 22:16:12

I've been caught before now 🙂