My daughter-in-law is a horrible person

Agree re title of the post..maybe DiL does some things that can be deemed 'horrible' but if she is genuinely ill then even her 'horrible' behaviour could be out of character. Grma32 why would your faith be a problem for your DiL? My younger brother and his wife are very involved in a Christian church, he is a lay preacher and he knows I am a humanist. We know each others 'faith' position but our relationship is more important to us than rows over religious opinion so we 'live and let live' and remain loving bro and sis who can meet up, have fun and enjoy each others company!

Depends where your priorities lie.

Suggest stop long emails your tone could be mis interpreted. Keep to simple things like hello how are things going today ? Never speak ill of her to your son because he must support her before you. You speak of we, so do u have a partner , and how is she with them? Sometimes no matter how hard it is u have to be the one to stand back and be kind . Do you have a favourite short prayer , say this before u speak I find this can give u strength . Grandchildren grow up very quickly and before u know it she will be asking to visit. Just keep going in the background .xxx

Why should any atheist care what a Christian thinks or feels about their lack of belief? Unless, of course, they feel they are being 'judged' as the DIL appears to feel. Possibly the reverse is true and some Christians feel threatened by the atheists' lack of belief?
I wonder if the OP has ever tried to talk to the gc about her religious views? In which case, I am with the DIL as I would be furious if anybody had to tried to impose their own views on my children. I think a couple of phrases are very telling - the DIL is tired of being judged and the OP has never 'thrown religion in her face'. How could she? Surely, it is a personal choice of whether to believe or not.
I am afraid the OP does not come across very well, but perhaps she just worded her post injudiciously. Certainly the title of the thread does not incline me to be sympathetic.

Must say, I would never ever discuss personal/family relationships on an open Forum - it is such a small world out there and putting 2 and 2 together is quite easy in some cases. I'd urge for caution.

(saying this as someone on another Forum did exactly that, and traced back to the town I used to live to make enquiries about me... and then threatened my family. Be very careful).

granjura i agree that it is wise not to discuss difficult family issues online. A while back I mentioned to a friend that I was using gransnet. I said it was a good way to share concerns anonymously and said that someone on here had had a difficult time (no names) and lived in the same county as us. My friend said that she knew who that was as she lived in the same village and that the gran had indeed had a difficult time. There wasn't anything very sinister about it and we didn't "gossip" about it - just expressed sympathy for the situation . However it just made me wary about talking about family issues on this (or any forum) which is a shame as I can see how good it is to share these things.

I agree with Wine .. keep future emails short, neutral or if possible add a touch of humour.
But first you do have to respond to the long vitriolic one.
Perhaps saying you are truly sorry if she sees you that way, it wasn't meant and you have great respect for her as a wife and mother. Keep it short but kind if you want to build bridges for the sake of your son and grandchild.

So sorry I haven't logged on in several days. I will try and address everyone's comments as best I can. No, I did not respond to her long, hostile email, but I'm considering taking some advice on here and telling DIL that I'm sorry that she sees me that way, but I certainly didn't mean any harshness on my part. I'll word it nicely...IF I decide to respond. I'm still nervous about it, because no matter how nice I have been in the past, she still labels me as condescending and sarcastic. I honestly don't want to give her ANY ammo to run to my son with, because he threatened to "cut me off" the last time that his wife tearfully accused me of mis-treated her (which was not true, by the way). I ended up sending him a string of email communications between she and I to show him that I had done nothing wrong.

As for those of you who had a problem with the title of my post, I am extremely hurt by my DIL, and this has been going on for over 2 years, so there was alot of pain involved in my title. She is nice to me in person, but then sends me emails like she does that just rips my heart out. Would you not consider that to be a horrible person? I have never in my life had ANYone treat me like this and be so nasty to me. She has absolutely no respect for me, and I have done nothing to deserve this. The only thing that has kept me from responding to her email is I keep telling myself that she has mental issues (my son said she is bi-polar) and at some point she will come around. I have a grown daughter who is bi-polar, and we had many difficult years with her and her behavior was very similar. I was always the brunt of her 'explosions', which was very difficult for me.

And just so you know, it has now been TWO WEEKS since she came to town, and I have yet to hear from her to schedule a visit with my grand-daughter. I am beginning to think that if it was up to her, she wouldn't contact me at all. After all, my son is in the field on maneuvers, so he doesn't know anything that's going on. And I don't plan on running to him and reporting things when he's back, either. I guess if my husband and I aren't invited to her birthday party, then I will mail her gifts or contact his wife to take them when she leaves to drive back home.

I am absolutely heartbroken over this, because when they lived here, his wife actually scheduled one day a week for us to come and get my grand-daughter and spend time with her. I don't know what has changed and why all of a sudden we are the last people on the list of who gets to see her. It just baffles me.

'My D in L is a horrible person' doesn't sound very Christian to me. You need to be th best possible M in L and granny you can and keep 'turning the other cheek.' My son and his family could function very well without me and I make sure I am someone who they want to include in their lives. I never voice any opinion on my D in L, especially to my son who loves her and wouldn't want to hear anything that isn't positive anyway. The party is for your grandaughter and you should be happy to be part of her special day.

Goodness me! Maureenm That's telling her!

Oh dear - was I that forceful Nelliemoser! I just know of too many examples of M in L who have been critical and then cut out of their offsprings life. My husband's aunty is a good example. She now will only see her only son without his wife and hence sees him once a year. She has set herself up for a lonely old age and I know that no-one would have been good enough for her. The opening poster obviously has a difficult D in L, but she just has to grit her teeth and keep smiling me thinks!

My God Maureen. Have you no self respect? I don't think I could grit my teeth and keep smiling in the face of someone being really horrible to me.

I would forgive my daughter and her children all the hurt and injustice they have caused me, as long as I could be part of their lives. That is what mothers do, jingle.

Agreed, and not just mothers Greatnan.

The daughter-in-law being a horrible person certainly resonated with me Grma32. My ex DIL is an extremely horrible person, vindictive, spiteful and uses her children as weapons which has affected her daughter especially. I, also, kept my head held high, never challenged her over the way she treated my son and kept, still keeps, the children from him.

In fact when they broke up I offered to have the children to give her some space as she was so angry. She spat venom down the phone screaming 'I would NEVER ask you to look after my children' and slammed the phone down. Funny, I used to look after the little boy for her when she worked for a few months. She is still the same.

I would go to the party, are you on your own Grma32, is their someone you could go with for 'back up' and support. She will certainly use it against you if you decline to go. Hold you head up and go. You are the better person here.

Oh Maureen!

A very wise woman once suggested to me that :-

To say 'I think X is a horrible person' is very different from saying ' X is a horrible person'
To say 'I am angry' is very different from saying 'You make me angry'

I have found that accepting my anger without blaming the other person is much more healing. Does that make sense?

Nods head, Maniac

Gma32
I think you should go to the party, be dignified and not lower yourself to DIL's level. It sounds as if the only person you will hurt by not attending, is you.
Good luck!

Thanks, Flowerofthewest for understanding, and thanks for all of the rest of your comments, even though some had a negative tone.

I am going to the party, as I received my invitation in the mail last week. My daughter will be out of town playing volleyball, and my husband has refused to go, so I will go alone, I suppose. Knowing that my DIL has convinced all of her friends and family what a horrible person I am, it will be a little awkward for me, but I will hold my head high and be as kind and gentle as possible.

As for turning the other cheek, I have. Many times, as a matter of fact. And I will continue to do so, because the last thing I want is for my son and DIL to end up in divorce because of me. She says that 'his family' is the cause of many of their fights, but that's because she is trying to block out 'his family' completely and he is fighting that. I just want him to be happy, and if that means I have to step aside, then I will.

I have decided that once the party is over and they head back to base in another state, I will not make any contact whatsoever until my son calls me. Basically, that's what I've been doing for several months now, but somehow she has managed to feel that I am verbally abusive and that I 'harrass' her to see my grand-daughter, which seems very odd to me since we've barely spoken. I am really a very fun person to be around, and I have alot of friends and family, but my DIL says she is uncomfortable around me, which I also don't understand.

This is now 'week 3' and I have yet to hear from her to schedule a visit with my grand-daughter. If my son comes to town for the party, she will either fill his head with lies which will make him yell at me and ban me from the party, or he will make her bring his daughter over for a visit, which will probably make her mad at me. I am literally on pins and needles waiting for the outcome...

Good luck and fingers crossed nothing horrendous happens.

thinking of you Grma32.

I am sure you will do fine at the party. Shame DH and DD not going for support. Someone is sure to make you feel at home, if not your DIL. Enjoy your GC. You really must talk to your son in a tactful way. Take Care and be brave LDx

I really hope it goes well for you and you have time to enjoy your DGD. As you say sometimes it is worth just being smiley and sweet , even if inside you are seething! That will show her friends and family that you are a warm, friendly and fun loving person who loves her GD. Good luck x

Well, I'm sure some of you are wondering how the birthday party went. It was fine, and I'll give details in a minute.

First, let me say that my DIL did NOT contact me for the entire 3 weeks she was here so that I could see my GC. My son came back from the field early, so she drove back home to spend time with him. They ended up driving back for the party (he got a 4 day leave). I had asked him previously if they would have dinner with us Friday night while he's in town, and he said yes they could. But he ended up calling me Friday morning and asking to have lunch 'out' instead. My husband refused to go, so my daughter and I went. We laughed a little during lunch, but there was an awkward tension there. My DIL talked a little and tried to be funny, and I mostly smiled or gave a 'courtesy' chuckle here and there. I didn't elaborate on what she said or even acknowledge it was funny like I normally do. I just couldn't believe she could sit there and act like she did NOTHING wrong. I was nice to her, though. Oh, and I asked my son what they were doing that evening and he said that his MIL was fixing a big dinner for him. I guess that was my DIL's idea and to try and thwart any time he could spend with us.

When we got ready to leave, I held my grand-daughter for about 15 seconds and that was it. She was really cute all through lunch, and I made kissy faces at her so she could imitate me. Very funny!

The party was fine, but by the time came for me to go, I had worried myself sick and actually felt like I was about the enter the lion's den. Needless to say, I didn't take a camera or video camera, and I am absolutely kicking myself for allowing my DIL to get in my head and make me think I didn't have a right to take video or pictures. Very silly of me! There was a point in the party where my son took a bunch of pink tissue and let it rain down on my grand-daughter. She batted at the paper and giggled and it was really cute. That's what I wished I had my video camera! Both my son and DIL were a bit awkward about who was leading the party, and she nagged him silently to help do things, cut the cake, etc. He acted like he didn't even want to be there, but I think it was just his immaturity showing, as well as hers. I asked him what they were doing after the party, and he said his MIL was fixing a big meal and their whole family was going over there. My response via text was "How nice for you. Two nights in a row." and he explained to me via text that the previous night was his 'me time' and he hung out with one of his friends and didn't even spend the night at his MIL's house. I was curious about who watched my grand-daughter, but didn't ask.

I would like to know his feelings about my DIL not allowing me to see my grand-daughter those three weeks, but I don't know that I'll ever get the chance to ask him without her being right there to listen. But I am going to give things time to calm down, so I'm not going to make any contact with them until my son makes the first move. I guess I just feel like she is trying to absorb him into her family and remove him from us, because that's surely what it was this past weekend. I did mention to him that next time they visit I would like for him to spend time with us, since they spent all of their time at HER parents house this time.

The weird thing is that my DIL's mom is very nice and courteous to me any time I have ever been around her. I just can't figure out why she wouldn't speak up to her daughter and tell her she should let us see our grand-daughter. But I'm thinking in terms of the way I would handle it with my own daughter, and honestly I've raised her to consider other people's feelings, so I'm not even sure I'd have to say anything to her, because she wouldn't treat someone like my DIL has treated me.

My husband has decided he's done with the both of them. He wanted to see our grand-daughter this weekend, too, but he didn't want to be around my DIL and not even my son, either. He feels like my son allowing her to treat me like that is not right.

I am trying to understand what my son is going through. He is just trying to keep the peace at home, so he is catering to whatever his wife wants right now. Maybe at some point he'll grow up and be the man of the house...but in the meantime, I'll love him anyway...

You acted well, and it is just a shame that you did not get some record of the day.
When I told my story about my daughter cutting me off completely, as a result of her drug-induced paranoia, one person posted that I must have done something wrong. I have followed all the 'denied contact' threads and it is clear that many of us are suffering the loss of part of our family through no fault of our own. At least my 'cut off' grandchildren are adults so there is some hope that they will have the courage to tell their mother she is wrong, as their oldest sister has done.