My daughter-in-law is a horrible person

Bless you, Greatnan! Thanks for understanding and for your emotional support. I appreciate it more than you know!

just caught u with this Grma32 I am glad you saw you son and DGD even if it wasn't the way you would have wanted. Well done though for keeping the smile going under difficult circumstances for you.

Would it be too difficult (organisationally I mean) for you to invite his MiL to your place for a meal when he is next home? If you could do it why not send a 'thank you' card to his MiL for looking after him on his leave (I know it will stick in the gullet!) and say you will return the favour next time & they can all come to you for a lunch /supper/tea whatever!

You did your best Grma by going to your GD's birthday party and I agree, your DIL is horrible. I understand why your husband is fed up with your son and DIL. Her mother might find her difficult to deal with too and that may be the reason why she doesn't say anything. Horrible people are often hard work for everyone they come across.

It's funny you mention that, nanaej, because I have been thinking about the in-laws and trying to include them and maybe establish a relationship with them. I'm still trying to test the waters and see what their perception is of the situation, and if they support their daughter and her mis-treatment of me, or if they have no idea she has been this way to me (not that I plan on telling them!). They are always cordial, but then again, so is their daughter 'face-to-face', so I'm a little afraid to trust them...

Well done that you got to the party. It must have taken so much courage.
I think nanaej's idea is a good one. How can they refuse, especially if you give them a choice of time. Good luck.

I just wanted to express my support and I am very impressed that you plucked up the courage to go.Take care .

Grma32 I agree it will be a tough call because you are not sure about your son's in-laws but in a way nothing to lose especially if you start from the position that they will possibly say no...then if they accept it is a bonus!
Really hope things work out. Also were other's taking photos? Could you ask other granny for a copy of a birthday picture as you forgot your camera? She can't refuse that!

I pretty much have all of the birthday party pictures, as all who took them posted them on Facebook.

I mentioned to my husband that I would like to invited son's IL's to dinner, and he said he's not interested, and that he puts them in the same category as their daughter. I guess I can understand that, because how can they stand by and allow her to keep my grand-daughter from me, and not say anything? Also, if they wanted to be my friend, they would have pursued it already.

I started a letter to my son, sharing all of my feelings. You could say it's a journal of a sort, because I doubt if I'll ever get the chance to give it to him in private. His wife has access to everything - email, Facebook, etc., so she would delete it before he had a chance to read it anyway. I had to start writing it down, though, because it honestly keeps me up at night. I think about it constantly. I guess because she is the only person that I know that doesn't like me. I have alot of friends, and I've never met a stranger. I talk to people and joke with them, whether I know them or not. That's just my personality. I guess that's why this is so hard on me. I just don't understand her dis-like of me, and there doesn't seem to be a way to remedy it.

A journal is a good idea. I started keeping a journal four years ago giving vent to my frustrations and problems with my mother. I found once
I'd written it down it stopped being such a big hurdle and shrunk into perspective. It helped a lot and quickly developed into a full account of my daily life. (Excellent for me as I have an appalling memory.) Already it's interesting to read back and find how my attitude has mellowed.

Perhaps you could also start a story book of your life for your DGD? It may lessen the pain of your separation.

I'm sorry but I think you were really wrong to send the email onto your son. Your son is caught in the middle here between the women he loves dearly, albeit in different ways. I also think you should paste a smile on your face, however difficult, and be at that party. Clearly your DIL has been hurt and angered by something you've perhaps inadvertently said and which I'm certain was not your intent. But, in fairness, your DIL has tried to explain how she perceives the problem. I think I would acknowledge how she feels, apologise that she has perceived things in that manner and then ask her how you can both move forward to resolve the situation together.

NewNana666 - welcome to Gransnet.
Perhaps being new you read the original post and then responded without realising that the posts inbetween give further information. Grma32 DID go to the party and is trying to think of constructive ways to move forward.

I have just quickly read this post and there is so much in it that makes me think you could be a mil from hell. You say things like she has been telling lies and filling peoples heads to turn them against you? are you that self centred that you really think she is bothering talking about you when she has a baby and ahusband serving in the military. You copy him in on emails to 'prove' you r sid of the story are you 10? You respond to your son about having 2 meals with her parents by saying 2 nights in a row, you count the days she hasn't rang you so you can visit your dgd, you don't join in the fun at the lunch by deliberatley not laughing when she is trying to be friendly and wonder why they don't want your company. and make a big show of how you made funny faces at your grandaughter, you say she is 'running to your son about you' he is her husband and you sound very divisive as if she is horridna nd your son is perfect and being manipulated. YOur husband doesn't want to join you on a meal out, thats just wha I remember. I think you sounsd a nightmare to be honest and that would be even before the poor girl has a baby serving husband and bi polar to content with. No where you say about offering her support only what 'rights' you have. I don't know what on earth christian or not has to do with it or how many friends you have. YOur son loves this woman and has chosen her for his wife, if you don't like her thats fair enough but don't try to make out your are perfect and she is horrid.

My heart goes out to anyone who cannot see their beloved grandchildren as much as they would like...

BUT I have to say as I read this thread I had come to a similiar conclusion as cjel about the points she mentioned. Some of the OP's remarks came across in print as rather sarcastic (although she may have not meant it that way) and I wondered if her DIL picked that up. I have to say although I understand her need to 'prove' she was right by sending the emails to her son, that would be something my children would have done when they were young and certainly not as adults. Maybe her DIL got to hear of that?

I also do not understand how the OP's DH could possibly decide not to see his granddaughter, no matter how awkward or difficult the situation with the DS/DIL may be. It is really sad that is what he has decided. I wonder if that causes ill feeling with their DS/DIL? I think I would feel annoyed should one of my parents/in laws refused to visit their grandchildren (even if I had behaved badly to cause the rift).

I would also advise the OP to keep in contact and not wait to be contacted herself - that does not have to be direct to her DIL, but maybe send a card or little gift to her granddaughter every so often. Or send a message to her DIL just asking pleasantly how things are? I sincerely hope the OP can keep in regular contact with her granddaughter, and her DH reconsiders, for both of their sakes. I wish her good luck.

This is a very sad situation and if you have tried to make friends with your dil and there was no response there is little you can do.

None of us can get inside someone elses head, something you say which you think is ok they could think is a nasty statement, human being are so complicated.

The only person who can sort this out is your son and don't forget he could also have problems in his relationship with her which you are unaware of, and this will all seem yet another problem for him to cope with.

As for your grand daughter, just go along to their home when you are invited.
If you don't get invited keep in touch with your son by whatever means and continue to send your granddaughter presents and cards.
When the girl is older and can understand what is happening she'll know you have always been there in her life even if you don't see her very often.
Unfortunately grandparent have no rights when if comes to grandchildren.
Best of luck

Somebody give me a clue when you have a similar problem with YOUR OWN Daughter.

Thank you for pointing out my error granny activist

I really feel for you- it is not easy, I know. But I must say I would never discuss any such issues on an open Forum - just in case anyone put 2 and 2 together- which could have disastrous results. Bonne chance.

As Woody Allen said,"we split up because of religious differences, I was an atheist and she was an agnostic".

Des. ha ha

I am sorry to re-activate this thread, but I need help.
I have 3 sons. My husband and I have great relationships with the eldest and the youngest, both are married with two children each. We love and get on very well with the DILs and the grandchildren.
The middle son (MS) is married for the second time. He has one son by the first wife. The first wife was very difficult and so is the second. We invite them, they don't reply, they don't initiate any get togethers with any of us or the extended family who have been very good to them, showing great hospitality which is never reciprocated. It is constantly 'walking on eggshells' with them. Over the years they email to us telling us how awful we are. We have friends in many countries and we try to get on well with everyone. I am tired of the abuse and believe that whatever we try to do, they will be the same.
Please reply if you have had similar problems and have any understanding of this awful situation.

I am sorry to re-activate this thread, but I need help.
I have 3 sons. My husband and I have great relationships with the eldest and the youngest, both are married with two children each. We love and get on very well with the DILs and the grandchildren.
The middle son (MS) is married for the second time. He has one son by the first wife. The first wife was very difficult and so is the second. We invite them, they don't reply, they don't initiate any get togethers with any of us or the extended family who have been very good to them, showing great hospitality which is never reciprocated. It is constantly 'walking on eggshells' with them. Over the years they email to us telling us how awful we are. We have friends in many countries and we try to get on well with everyone. I am tired of the abuse and believe that whatever we try to do, they will be the same.
Please reply if you have had similar problems and have any understanding of this awful situation.

I am sorry to re-activate this thread, but I need help.
I have 3 sons. My husband and I have great relationships with the eldest and the youngest, both are married with two children each. We love and get on very well with the DILs and the grandchildren.
The middle son (MS) is married for the second time. He has one son by the first wife. The first wife was very difficult and so is the second. We invite them, they don't reply, they don't initiate any get togethers with any of us or the extended family who have been very good to them, showing great hospitality which is never reciprocated. It is constantly 'walking on eggshells' with them. Over the years they email to us telling us how awful we are. We have friends in many countries and we try to get on well with everyone. I am tired of the abuse and believe that whatever we try to do, they will be the same.
Please reply if you have had similar problems and have any understanding of this awful situation.

I am sorry to re-activate this thread, but I need help.
I have 3 sons. My husband and I have great relationships with the eldest and the youngest, both are married with two children each. We love and get on very well with the DILs and the grandchildren.
The middle son (MS) is married for the second time. He has one son by the first wife. The first wife was very difficult and so is the second. We invite them, they don't reply, they don't initiate any get togethers with any of us or the extended family who have been very good to them, showing great hospitality which is never reciprocated. It is constantly 'walking on eggshells' with them. Over the years they email to us telling us how awful we are. We have friends in many countries and we try to get on well with everyone. I am tired of the abuse and believe that whatever we try to do, they will be the same.
Please reply if you have had similar problems and have any understanding of this awful situation.

I am sorry to re-activate this thread, but I need help.
I have 3 sons. My husband and I have great relationships with the eldest and the youngest, both are married with two children each. We love and get on very well with the DILs and the grandchildren.
The middle son (MS) is married for the second time. He has one son by the first wife. The first wife was very difficult and so is the second. We invite them, they don't reply, they don't initiate any get togethers with any of us or the extended family who have been very good to them, showing great hospitality which is never reciprocated. It is constantly 'walking on eggshells' with them. Over the years they email to us telling us how awful we are. We have friends in many countries and we try to get on well with everyone. I am tired of the abuse and believe that whatever we try to do, they will be the same.
Please reply if you have had similar problems and have any understanding of this awful situation.

I am sorry to re-activate this thread, but I need help.
I have 3 sons. My husband and I have great relationships with the eldest and the youngest, both are married with two children each. We love and get on very well with the DILs and the grandchildren.
The middle son (MS) is married for the second time. He has one son by the first wife. The first wife was very difficult and so is the second. We invite them, they don't reply, they don't initiate any get togethers with any of us or the extended family who have been very good to them, showing great hospitality which is never reciprocated. It is constantly 'walking on eggshells' with them. Over the years they email to us telling us how awful we are. We have friends in many countries and we try to get on well with everyone. I am tired of the abuse and believe that whatever we try to do, they will be the same.
Please reply if you have had similar problems and have any understanding of this awful situation.