New Grandma!

I would suggest having a straight word with your son. You are getting a raw deal. Your son needs to realise how you feel and do something about it. I could understand your dil letting this happen if t h e baby was newborn. Yes, she might well need her mum then. But after three months she should be able to think of your feelings too.

I could have written your blog and substituted our own situation. No one understands the depth of love one feels when a grandchild is born As mothers we gave birth and had that bond naturally but I had no idea how I would feel about a grandchild. I too have only one son and this is our only chance at grandparentingl. My fear is that the child will not recognise us if we don't get chance to bond early in the child's life. We are retired and have plenty of time but so far our offers of help have also been rejected but I know my DiLs mother is looking after the baby two days a week. it is easy to say don't be hurt but it seems to come with the job. The worst thing is finding out what's going on, on Facebook. I'm afraid I have stopped looking at it because it causes too much pain. Having said all this we all have a really good relationship so can just assume this is how things go and our time will come!!

I also suspect the novelty may wear off after a bit for the other GPs.
I see my daughter's children about once every six weeks, but I only get to see my son's children about once every eighteen months, because they don't want to come all the way here and we can only make the 1,000 mile journey occasionally. I do sometimes feel a bit jealous of my DiL's mother who sees them every day, but I also give myself a stern talking to and try to be grateful that they are not even further away.
I would say give it time, continue to be as supportive as you can and make the most of the time you have with them.
I really don't think our relationship with the GCs has suffered from infrequent physical presence, it is just different. My OH only met his grandparents twice, but he has very fond memories of them.

I think there is probably enough good advice on here already but I would add this ; Do not under any circumstances 'have a word' with either your son or D-I-L. You have offered [which is always nice] to look after the baby, but if they don't need your help [at the moment] that is ok, because you know they are maybe being kind to you as you are the older grand-parents.Also, yes, the D-I-L will of course prefer her own parents to be there, she is probably so pleased that they are taking this interest, especially as they live such busy lives.It's always different with your own daughter and her baby than a D-I L, that's just the way it is.Children as young as the baby is now don't care who is visiting them, and will be more rewarding later on for you to see.Another thing, our children don't realise how much we love our grandchildren [why should they? I never realised that when I was a new Mother.] Lastly, taking care of young children [as opposed to simply visiting] is exhausting, let younger people do it; say to son that they should all come for the day/morning/afternoon to save D-I-L from having to cook that day.This is a common problem, but the less said the better to your family fairydoll . We do understand though.

Hi!
Thought you might like a DIL side of things When i had both of my dds, apart from my DH, i just wanted my mum.
From giving birth to 3 months i was still bleeding heavily with..with leaks (ew!), had vile stomach cramps, i was very tierd and emotional, my boobs was allways out as i was still getting use to breastfeeding and trying to get into a routine..the last person i would of wanted to see was my MIL.

My mum was there for ME. Not my dds. She was there because her daughter needed her and looking after.
She cooked food, did the washing, made me tea, was there after i'd leaked through my last bra!

At 3 months after birth..12 short weeks i was still nowhere 'knowing what to do' i also had PND which not alot of people knew about.

I needed my mum. She is my best friend. I wouldnt of been comfotable doing all of the above infront of my MIL!

Just let them have time. 3 months is nothing at all.

Good to hear that view Redhead and that is most helpful to hear.

I am very lucky indeed in that I have 3 daughters, and yes, I do think that to start with they needed their Mum. But things have moved on now - the other grandparents are just as (if not even more) involved than I am. So bide your time Fairydoll and, as others have said, bite your tongue. Play it cool - it will pay dividends, and your time will come.

Also if its any help.

MIL was never involved with me, cared about 'me' what i'd been through/how i was feeling. She wanted the baby and would throw a strop if she didn't get what she wanted.
I was and still am, very much 'the oven'.

I didn't need help with my dds, i was getting use to being a mum, i was so inlove (still am ofc!) with my teeny bundles of joy. I didn't want people taking her away for a 'few hours'..
What i did need help with was cooking and cleaning.

Please don't make out to your son that the baby is all you want. He isn't a toy to be shared out in equal measures. If you are offering babysitting and you're being blanked please take the hint they don't need it.

What i bet my life on is they need a meal popped round or ask if they need any shopping doing.

For example. My dd2 is 7 months. She is getting up at 3am most mornings and tbh, im shattered. My dad pops round every morning while dh is at work to make me coffee and toast, does the washing up and other jobs and pops back off again.

How lovely to hear the DiL point of view. It is all such a personal thing and you don't want everyone sharing in the grotty bits. Part of the problem in all this is that men are such rubbish communicators so don't fill you in on the news then Its easy to put your foot in it. I feel cheered by all these blogs. So much love to go round and in the end all that matters is that little one grows surrounded by it. I am making a little journal of photos and little memories of things my gd does when I see her. Nothing negative but something she
can have when she's old enough. I would have loved that from my grandma. It is a good thing to focus on the joys.
Thanks everyone.

I think RedheadedMommy is also right in a far wider sense. I can remember that when I had my DC, everything revolved around them and not me, which was why when my DGC were born I gave my DDiL a present, one that was personal and had nothing to do with babies. In one case a box of her favourite toiletries to pamper herself with, bubble bath, body lotion etc and after the birth of second DGC I planted a lavender border in their garden, something I knew she wanted.

In our case her mother is the on-the-spot grandparent and she has given the whole family immense support, although as she now she is in her late 70s and the youngest child about to start school this is tailing off. We live 200 miles away so cannot give the instant day to day support, but we are 'doers' which DS, DiL and family are not, so we have helped with decorating, refitting the kitchen, and now the children are a bit older look after the children during half terms and they are now reaching the stage where they can stay with us without their parents so we can give their parents the odd break by having them with us.

It is very sad when grandparents start competing for the attention of grandchildren. Step back, look, think and then find a niche that you can fill.

I bet GD would love that. My dd loves looking at photos of herself. Also loves photos of mommy/daddy/nanny/grandad as children...she can't get her head around the fact we was all tiny too!
Maybe you could add those aswell?

I agree with the men bit. DH isn't a great explainer. Yet when we did explain a few things to MIL it wasn't good enough. Maybe he's scared you won't understand?

However,My MIL is toxic. She is not a nice lady and because of her actions we don't see her anymore.

Aswell i read in the OP that you would 'offer help' is this babysittng? Or actual helping?
If your DIL has a poor relationship with you, and you're offering babysitting, she is probley feeling anxious! Instead of saying 'you should come round for tea' actually give them a date and time.
Build a relationship with your DIL as a women. Not just to get at DGC.

Just wanted to give an update. My grandson is now 6 months old but nothing has changed. I haven't said anything to anyone - but husband and I are still sidelined and, if anything, it's worse. We were invited by OP's to an anniversary meal at their house along with DS.DIL and baby. Although DIL's mum had done her 3 regular week day visits just prior to this and we had seen our grandson very briefly only one evening by invitation , OP's were fussing round baby all day (of the anniversary) we just couldn't get near him, and it was only when DIL suggested to her mum that I should 'play with him for a bit' that she relinquished her vice like grip on him (sorry, sounds harsh, but that's how it seems). It's a real shame because we have always got on well with OP's, but saw a drastic change in their behaviour when baby was born . It didn't auger well when we visited the hospital the day after baby was born and were - metaphorically speaking - barged out of the way so they could see their daughter and baby, even though they had been at the birth, but it was our first visit to see our new grandson. Visitors were restricted to two plus partner, so we managed 10 minutes at end of visiting time when they left! I am SO loathe to speak up about this situation even though I am by nature a very assertive person. It really is treading on eggshells. I'm sorry to sound envious but I really AM when I am told that Dil's mum takes baby out for walks in his pushchair and they go out for coffee etc. Of course I do not begrudge her spending time with her mum but I can't figure out why we have to be excluded ! A couple of weeks ago I suggested that I 'pop in' and see OP's when they were visiting as we literally had not seen them in months but DIL obviously didn't want us to meet up and I have the impression that she doesn't want us all in the same place at the same time !! Could this be because her parents are quite controlling?? This has crossed my mind. Before baby was born and we saw more of them, they would often talk to her, in front of us, as if she was a youngster and not a grown woman in her 30's. I know from other posters that mums of sons often draw the short straw when it comes to spending time with their grandchildren but what do I do??? I sometimes feel quite heartbroken...

Just to add.. We have another invite to OP's soon as they have a relative visiting from USA and we haven't seen him for ages. Would be nice to catch up but am dreading a repeat performance where we have to watch OP's constantly fussing round baby while we watch from the sidelines. Grrrr!!!
By the way, I have sorted of hinted to my son that DIL's mother sees a lot of baby and his comment was...'we'll let her get on with it'. He just wants a quiet life!

Does your son visit you with the baby? Arrange shopping trips or to go out for coffee?

DH would visit his mum with our DD once a week. Gave me time to tidy up. eat junk and watch telly

I think you may need to have a word with your son about wanting to see your DGC regular.
Also do you have a close relationship with your DIL?

I didn't with mine so didn't feel comfortable to plan or want to spend days out with just her and my DD..and tbh im sure she felt the same.

Talk to your son, it's not just down to your DIL.