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Death of a partner

(57 Posts)
grannygrunt Sun 11-May-14 18:27:45

I sadly lost my husband of 33 years two weeks ago. He suffered from COPD and had a heart attack seven years ago.
He was taken ill (with exacerbation of COPD) about five weeks ago and was rushed to hospital. We thought that our prayers had been answered when the doctors said he was well enough to go home. Sadly he passed away one week later in his sleep at the age of 66 years.
I awoke to find him dead beside me. I desperately tried CPR until the ambulance arrived but despite all efforts by me and paramedics (who were brilliant) deep down inside I knew there was no hope.
I went to see my beloved husband in the chapel of rest because I didnt want the last time I saw him to be that traumatic day and he looked so much more peaceful there.
My family have been wonderful and I am lucky to have loving caring children, grandchildren, a great grandchild and a dear friend but can other gransnetters tell me how to begin living without my husband, friend and soulmate! He was such a lovely man.
I miss his kindness, his loving ways, his knowledge, his jokes, the way he continually had a remote control in his hand and his whistling (which often got on my nerves when he was alive).
I know it is early days yet, and that time will probably help to heal the pain of my broken heart but what can I do in the meantime? I just can't imagine what it will be like without this wonderful man in my life!

grannygrunt Mon 12-May-14 21:06:43

Thank you all so much for your words of comfort.
I had a bad evening yesterday and cried for much of the night with my dear husbands photo clutched to my chest.
It is hard to come to terms with the fact that I will never see him or hear his voice ever again.
I have felt extremely angry today and i think if anyone had said the wrong thing I might just have punched them!
Knowing that I am not alone and there are so many of you that care is a real comfort though and I know I must take one day at a time. Thanks again everyone.

Charleygirl Mon 12-May-14 21:25:00

My heart goes out to youflowers

GadaboutGran Mon 12-May-14 22:03:45

What an awful time for you Grannyg, I am so sorry. You ask what to do but you are already doing it. For a start you were together enough to post on here, something you say you hadn't done before. You are able to feel a whole range of emotions (& can control them if needed) in spite of the experience that could have left you in so much shock that feelings could have been numbed completely. You are able to recall all the happy memories rather than just being consumed by your last one of his death. You recognize the lovely support around you & you are able to draw comfort from what other people say & offer. So just note what helps & what doesn't & do more of the first & less of the second, & come back for more ideas here if you need them. It sounds to me as if your grief is flowing & your healing has begun, though no one will pretend there's not a hard journey ahead full of ups & downs. And always remember, who did he choose to die alongside - the person he loved & trusted. I hope that in itself can soften the shock of your experience that morning. Many people can't forgive themselves if they weren't present at the death of a loved one, even though they may have just popped out of the room for a moment. You are clearly a resourceful woman of great courage.

NanKate Mon 12-May-14 22:04:45

I am glad Grannygrunt the poem was appreciated.

I gave it to a friend recently whose husband had also sadly died, she showed it to her daughter who is a GP and she now regularly gives it to patients who are beside themselves with grief.

Such simple words but so powerful - you and your DH loved each other and you still do.

FlicketyB Tue 13-May-14 17:05:24

grannygrunt I have not lost a spouse but 20 years ago I lost a sister when she was killed in a road accident. Not comparable by any means, but I can remember the awful physical pain of the early days of loss. I can remember feeling unbalanced. There had been three sisters, now there were two. I described it as feeling like a three legged stool that had lost a leg. Irrationally I wanted the pain never to decrease because somehow to reach a stage where I accepted her loss seemed a betrayal of all she meant to me.

How does one get through those first awful days and weeks? I do not know even now, grim determination, a mind anesthetised by pain. Finding time to be alone and weep uncontrollably without being comforted until you can cry no more and sleep. Keep eating, keep drinking (I am not referring to alcohol), even if you do not want to, keep the mechanics of life going. Take all the support that is offered you.

When the funeral is over, keep busy and keep up contact with people. One of my closest friends is also going through what you are going through. Her husband died in March after a short illness. He was 70. What she seems to be doing is avoiding giving herself too much time to sit in the house and think. She tries to get out every day, see friends and family several times a week. Keeps busy at home with the usual household tasks, hers and his.

Nothing can alleviate the pain you feel at present, but gradually, very gradually you will absorb your loss into your new different life without the one you love. meanwhile, like everyone else I send my sympathy. You will survive.

harrigran Fri 16-May-14 23:01:23

My sincere condolences grannygrunt flowers