Hello

There are patches like this in every marriage, and it is very seldom that only one partner is entirely in the wrong and the other entirely in the right. Both parties need to sit down together and work out what to do to improve things.

If you cannot fix it yourselves despite trying, then you take it to a counsellor to see whether they can suggest ways to return to (maybe not the excitement of the first years) working together and appreciating one another. Only after that do you decide that if all is over, parting is for the best.

Making a unilateral decision after a few days, based as you claim on the responses you have had here from people who have never met you, does look to me to be treating the situation like an episode from a soap. It seems almost like a short pulp fiction story.

I have only just come to this thread and have great sympathy for Paula8. My own marriage was very happy but I have often had to help friends who were in a similar position as Paula.

I found that they had put on a front for many years before they finally had enough, friends would tell them they were making a hasty decision when in fact it was something they had contemplated and agonised over for years. It is just because I was lucky enough to be married to a man who I loved completely and who made me feel loved in return that I can sympathise with someone who doesn't have that.

On a practical note Paula, do take legal advice about separating, while you are in an emotional state you are not able to see the whole picture and you need to protect yourself legally.

paula Are you really surprised your DH gave you a "dirty look"? You have just apparently given him his marching orders without any attempt at counseling or reconciliation ( I did ask) and if that is out of character for him, as you say, then he is clearly not the aggressive type! Anybody who thought their marriage while maybe not perfect but nevertheless ticking along OK would be similarly gobsmacked. The " bereavement" element of failed marriage works both ways. Have you taken legal advice to see where you stand? I think this is very important if you are serious and especially if the two of you are unable or unwilling to comunicate.

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Thank you coolgran your kind words give me stengh to realise that there will be an end thank you

Paula8 - it has been mentioned about how quickly you appear to have made your decision.

From my own experience my decision 'looked' to have been made in the blink of an eye. It surprised everyone. But noone knew the years (20 years) that I had thought about it, considered it, and actually hoped that he would find someone else.... because I didn't want to hurt him. At the very moment I decided to end the marriage, I just knew that I had to do it for me, my mental health was teetering. Family and friends were shocked - just shows what a good actress I was - a crying clown.

Another point, when a marriage comes to an end, even a bad marriage, it can be like a bereavement for the loss of what might have been.

All this eventually passes. I am very fond of the saying... 'this too shall pass'. And so it will.

None of us know the heartache that Paula may have faced, or how long her unhappiness has undermined her, I wish Paula and her daughter/children the strength to get through this.

can not even ask him for an update on his move, it is that bad..

Things are horrible here, avoiding eachother etc. he gave me such a dirty look yesterday, my daughter noticed and asked him what he was doing that for, which is un usual for her to comment in any way but she had never seen him do that before because he usually does not do it in front of her, I think he just does not care anymore, well fair enough.

It is horrible because it is difficult to avoid eachother. Please let it all be over soon!!

Well that sounds like a done deal Paula8. Any progress on how you will cope on your own? Can you afford to keep the house onyour own or will you have to look for somewhere too. I am guessing that after 21 years of marriage yor children if any are no longer minors?
What next for you?

Thank you for all your posts, your support is really helping.

I have tried to keep things amicable but my husband can not keep that up..to be expected I think.

I am on the last hurdle now, must stay strong.

Thank you again for your support, I am so grateful for it.

Perhaps paula8 would like to put us straight? It seems wrong to speculate but I know I took longer than that to choose wallpaper for our bedroom!"

That's partly why I read more into it!

I certainly feel there is a huge difference betwern "dreading" someone's return and saying you no longer look forward or are happy when he is home! I am also saddened if not a little surprised at the speed with which paula8 seems to have given her DH his "marching orders". Initially it seemed she was merely disillusioned after 21 years of marriage and within less than a week her DH has found somewhere else to live. Call me old fashioned but what about counselling/Relate or some attempt at reconciliation?

Soutra No OP didn't mention it, which is why I said that perhaps I've read too much into it. I have a tendency to look too deeply at times!

If that is the case the OP made no mention of it. I certainly didn't "hear" any of that.

Soutra Jings Think there is a lot more to Paula's dilemma than she wishes to post on here. It's not just boredom or wishful thinking. The 'front door' comment, for instance . . . In my case it was dread, which perhaps could be the next stage for her?? Perhaps I'm reading too much into the OP, perhaps not.

Paula 8. I wish you strength to go through with this.I agree with Jings, Don't waste your life in an unhappy marriage

Have you worked out the practicalities Paula8? Can you afford to support yourself, find a home of your own , and what about children/ grandchildren if any?

Must be a very young Gran!
I think I preferred your earlier advice jingl (yesterday's) !!

We don't know Paula's age. She is probably about forty. Is it worth throwing the rest of her life away when, perhaps, a happier partnership could be round the corner if she jumps ship now.

I actually said (based on your original post) that the worst crime he seems to have committed is to have got older and boring. You say you have no joy when he comes home and thst seeing his clothes around the house " no longer gives you a happy feeling". Is that really the grounds for kicking him into touch? I did not say you were looking for a younger model just suggested a comparable analogy. Whatever happened to "for better and for worse"? Or is marriage now just "until I get bored with you"?

Thank you for the Paula8 though really I should be sending them to you!

Sometimes we are so embedded in our lives, both physically and mentally, just trying to keep things going, that we can't see things objectively - or in my case, being the swan with legs paddling incessantly trying to hold it all together. My watershed moment was virtually forced on me by a health crash and outside forces and was just the wake-up call I needed - and certainly gave me clarity!! I have blossomed since my decision to act and have become the 'me' that I never knew I could be.

Wishing you all the strength you may need, though I think you may have already done the hardest bit

I can understand liminetta that after you had that break and gained back your independance you felt that you would be more comfortable living back at home, I get it.

I do believe that had you not had that break things would be very different for you but you were brave enough to do what you had to do and have made me realise I must also be brave and see it through and know that it will make things much better than they are now for both of us.

Thank you for taking the time to post, I can not tell you how much reading it has helped me and given me courage

Sorry about that.Typing mixed up.!The time I spent there gave me the space, away from him, a sort of breather.Eventually, I decided to go back, not because I missed him, really, but because I missed my garden and my piano!!!I have stayed, but have changed my own life, to the extent I hardly ever see him, Ime out so much.I began to go out, join clubs, go places where I meet new people, and consequently have made quite a few good friends.(p.s.) I didn't know at the time, but I could have claimed full rent rebate for the bedsit! So that's my tale. I hope you can manage to make some changes to your life.My thoughts are with you.Good luck!

Hello Paula8; I must admit, I do not have your problem, but you have my cob ut would pass on messages from people who had called me at homemplete sympathy. 7 years ago, I was very unhappy, my husband has , to some extent, some kind of Aspergers, and can sit for hours and hours, not speaking, although he is not a bad man.One Sunday, I got out a bpttle of wine, and after drinking half of it; I rang my sister to come and fetch me. I left him! I looked in the local paper and found a bed sit(which was all I could afford ). I stayed there for 9 months. My husband

me once, to ask if I would come back