No visits allowed

Sorry
Susie!

Hear, hear! susie and rhm. If she says people are harassing her and to piss off that means she's feeling harassed and pissed off. Pretty clear message, I'd say. Maybe people just weren't getting the sorry I don't feel like it at the moment one and that's what made her sound stressed and cross. Being pestered when I didn't want to be pestered would make me sound cross too.

It's these weeks that they need understanding, love and support.
The way you behave now will speak volumes in the future.
If you treat them with respect then you will get it back, they will remember how kind and thoughtful you was at a time they really needed it.
They will want to see you often and spend time with you!

Do the total opposite and ruin those first weeks.
Try and persuade your son to do what's best for you, what you want and how you feel.
They'll remember that and you'll wonder why you only see them once every 3 months.

I would be worried about this. Being rude and aggresive is not good. Feeling aggresive is not good when you have a new baby.

Think you should talk gently of your son as to how she is coping. Or even perhaps, talk to her own mum. Make sure everything is ok.

Thank you all, yes the birth was difficult and I understand the would prefer to have visitors but it was the way that she publically castigated relatives. I did give her a present and I have been doing her job in the family business while she recovers so I am at a loss. It has got to the point now where I don`t want to visit or see my grandson. I don`t feel I have one. Thank you all for your support.

Please don't feel you don't have a grandson, lizzy.

Try to put yourself in her shoes and empathise with her.

I rarely see my DGS as he lives on the other side of the world but I love him dearly and I think he loves me (at least he behaves as if he just saw me yesterday when in fact it has usually been 12 months since we had a hug!)

Your grandson is going to be part of your family for years lizzyr it has only been two weeks which is hardly anytime at all. It is good of you to be doing her job, but surely you are doing this for the sake of the business as well as for her. Either she is a rather unpleasant anti social person, or she is feeling totally overwhelmed and probably tired and depressed and just not up for visiting. At this point with my first baby it was all I could do to get out of bed in the morning.
As everyone else has said the first move should be a quiet word with your son. It is possible that she has pnd and he hasn't noticed yet.

"It has got to the point now where I don`t want to visit or see my grandson. I don`t feel I have one"

That could be read as being a little bit petulant.

I would hate to tell you to grow up, tempting as that may be. Think of the baby and the mother.

Oh lizzy, you have to bide your time and bite your lip, I'm afraid. Take the moral high ground now and turn against them and you could spoil your relationship with your son, DIL and little grandchild for good. Just give the new little family time to settle, respect their wishes, try to keep smiling, and I'm sure you'll find that in no time at all you'll be invited round or asked to give a hand. Two weeks is a blink of an eye when you think of all the years ahead of you to enjoy your grandson. Best wishes.

He's 2 weeks old, he's been here 14 days and you've seen him once.
She has given birth 14 days ago, you say it was difficult
She is still recovering and getting use to being a new mum.

Give it time. It will get better

lizzyr
'The birth was difficult' -poor girl, she is recovering and may have some problems bonding.

'She is publically castigating relatives'- not just you then. It is the way they communicate these days and 're5urn' is pressed before you know it. She should turn FB off now and concentrate on her baby and recovering.

You are doing her job - some women are back ' in the boardroom' after a couple of days but most are not. Are you resentful about having to take on her workload?

Don't wish to upset you further but I think you need to look at things from her point of view and not yours. Sorry to be blunt but I think you are whingeing unnecessarily.

Think back to when your first child was born Izzy and remember how it felt. yYu were absolutely exhausted and emotionally drained, your hormones were all to pot, you were trying to adjust to a completely new way of life with your baby, you were not sleeping but you had to be permanently on duty to hear him wake, you were worried about how he was feeding, eating, pooing, about whether he was too hot or too cold, about what his cries meant.

If your mother-in-law had then thrown a hissy fit because she was not seeing enough of him, would it have improved your relationship with her, or damaged it for ever? Did a visit from your MiL make you feel you ought to be tidy and organised and give the impression of being on top of everything?

Ask your son if there is anything practical you can do to help. Buy a nice pampering present for your DiL as well as a present for the baby. Praise her for producing him, and for giving your son a son. Say how much joy it gave you see him.

But remember - this is not your baby. It is your son and daughter-in-law's baby.

Jings says "You need to bond with your grandchild as well as the parents." BUT NOT YET. You will get time to bond with him if you hold back for a little. He is not going to go away. For nine months he knew nothing but the inside of his mother's womb. Now he is getting to know her outside the womb, and his father too. You will get your turn, be patient.

Very well expressed, elegran.

It has got to the point now where I don`t want to visit or see my grandson. I don`t feel I have one.

Wow.

My eldest daughter came home from the hospital the day she gave birth with her second child. She ended up with post partum preeclampsia and I think the huge amount of visitors made it worse. I wish she had been more assertive and I wish her husband wasn't so welcoming, he even invited neighbours who popped in two weeks after the baby was born to stay for a BBQ.

I remember having visitors a couple of weeks after DD2 was born, they followed me up to the bedroom when I escaped to feed her ( even their teenage children!).

In the end, late at night, DH had to ask them to leave. They never spoke to us again. Thank goodness! I know they were not relatives but you just need some privacy tor a while, at least I know I did.

I think it pays for DGs to take their time and play the situation by ear.
for example - many years ago I arrived home with my 5 day old son, we had a puncture on the way home from hospital. PIL were sitting in their car at the gate. It was 6pm.
I was very foolish and tried to show that I could cope. Baby went for a sleep and I cooked dinner for the 4 of us. ex DH did not expect otherwise of me because I 'always coped'.

How I wish so much I had spoken up and told them to give me some space. They visited with us every other night.

This of course is very different from you but please do allow DS and DIL and baby to find their feet, and gently offer to help with anything that would make things easier.
I fully understand the eagerness to hold and cuddle new little DGC, it is probably like an ache in your chest. Your chance will come.
And you will love it.

To me, that says it all. '"I don't have one" etc. talk about throwing toys out of the pram!
I see or talk to my D every day of the week. That's how close our lives are. But when the children came along I just sat at home waiting to be told when to visit and anything else I could do.

I'm beginning to feel sorry for your DiL.

Your son and his family are going through a huge upheaval in their lives and could actually do with your support and understanding of this.

I remember my dd's first baby being born and it was very traumatic. No-one knew what to do when they both came home. Being strongly advised to breastfeed only made it worse as the little blighter refused to latch on and i had to tippy toe around the poor parents who were both shell shocked. It took ages for both parents to feel my DH and I were of any help but I didn't press them at all and I just stayed quietly in the background and let them tell me when they needed help.

I feel your experience is due to the trauma of having a new baby both for the parents and the grandparents. New mums usually want to learn in their own way and perhaps because they are so vulnerable any other support could be felt as interference although that may not be the case. Remember when your hormones were all over the place and you felt murderous with most people. Well this moment can also be made so much worse if the new mum only wants a bit of piece and quiet.

I feel for you too because all you want to do is be part of this new family but all in good time. Keep on loving

I suppose it varies with cultures and expectations. I was invited to meet my new DGD 12 hours after she was born and felt very chuffed privileged . I had been looking after the DGSs overnight and that morning as DD and SIL went into hospital at 2.15 a.m. but SIL came home about 11 to take the boys to meet their baby sister and give me a rest and a few hours to myself. However I would not have dreamt of staying even as much as an hour! Looking forward to going back up with DH and the other grandparents for a "proper" visit to all the family this week but again won't stay too long as I can remember only too well being exhsusted, getting feeding established and frankly the bliss of being alone with my new family. Don't push it- there will be time enough when DD needs a hand or Granny babysitting duties.

When my first child was born it was a week in hospital with a couple of hours visiting in the afternoons and a couple in the evening. If the father or grandparents absolutely could not get to the regular visiting times a point was stretched and they were allowed in for a while, but on the understanding that this was an exceptional privilege.

Bonding and adjustment to the new responsibility was done with meals and rest times built in and professionals at hand to answer questions and advise. You might not have agreed with all their advice, but you knew that it was given from a background of hundreds of babies, and you trusted it. Most importantly you had meals brought to you at regular intervals and you were told to lie down for a nap.

By the time you were home and on your own you had the basics sorted out and were fairly confident of handling a newborn. Now new mothers are shipped homein a day or two with a little stranger and only book knowledge to guide them - and the advice in books changes every couple of years.

A second baby is due within the next few weeks. Hope we have all learned what is needed from the first event. Because we are all clearheaded at the moment we are discussing positive things. Who can tell what this next experience will be like. Looking forward to it regardless. Woohoo

Stand back - bide your time - make supportive noises, but otherwise bite your tongue.

Before making any contact or taking any actions or speaking, ask yourself if what you plan will enhance the long term future relationships or hinder them.

There's a lot of life ahead and making bad decisions now because you feel aggrieved will get you nowhere.

Give them time and give them love - on their on terms. You will reap the rewards.

Try to understand how they might be feeling - your feelings hardly count at the moment I am afraid and you have to accept that.

Beware setting up a future of antagonism.

^Bonding and adjustment to the new responsibility was done with meals and rest times built in and professionals at hand to answer questions and advise. You might not have agreed with all their advice, but you knew that it was given from a background of hundreds of babies, and you trusted it. Most importantly you had meals brought to you at regular intervals and you were told to lie down for a nap.

By the time you were home and on your own you had the basics sorted out and were fairly confident of handling a newborn. Now new mothers are shipped homein a day or two with a little stranger and only book knowledge to guide them - and the advice in books changes every couple of years.^

This with bells on.

My nan was horrified when she found out i'd been sent home the day i'd given birth. It was an horiffic labour. I was shell shocked when the midwife gave me this baby...then left me!
We had no idea what to do. Bathe her, feed her, we didn't know how many blankets, dummies? Winding..colic? I cant breastfeed!? Why?
We knew nowt. Ontop of that i couldn't walk..it hurt to breath. I was sick from the drugs, stitches, blood! No sleep for 5 days..
That was before we got home.

Then MIL was demanding to see her for hours on end, we had strops off her and how heartbroken we was making her feel.
I ended up with PND.
The sheer stress of everything made me ill. There isn't enough support for new mums from HV and midwives. You kinda expect it off your own family though.