would a other grans be hurt by this

That's all any of us were doing Ana expressing our opinion. I happen to consider anyone calling my family and friends 'rude' for popping in to see me very offensive and made worse by someone agreeing with them.

I think I sm allowed to express that opinion - I mean I didn't fling insults around did I?

I was not criticising those who expressed the opposite opinion, in fact I said that was 'fine'. Please read my last two sentences in my previous post and you'll see that.

So what exactly are we supposed to 'get over?

I don't consider I think it is quite rude to expect just to be able to drop in to be such an inflammatory remark, that's all.

Family and real friends would not care if you are tidy or dressed. They want to see you. I am lucky that my close family always seem pleased to see me and my close friends are always available for a chat. I would offer them the same courtesy. My mum was always pleased to see us but my friend practically has to make an appointment to call on her mum!

Greenfinch, yes my story is genuine, my friend was near to tears the other day when she told me. I felt so helpless. I cant go into more detail in case someone we know may recognise the family but yes its all true. Why would I make up a thing like that.

My friend always gives me used presents too but I just either use them or quietly give them away to charity shops. Ive had to bin out of date toiletries and foodstuffs but as she's my friend I cant say anything to her.
She taught me how to go 'jumble sailing' and car booting and over the years we have made blankets, knitted scarves, baby stuff etc. She is a real character .

I love friends and relatives to 'just pop in'. If they are bothered by the fact that I haven't hovered or put on my mascara then that is their problem.

DDs will often ring and ask if we are in as they would like to pop in and we would do the same usually but none of us have a problem if someone just arrives. If we have somewhere else to go then we say so and no one is upset.

As far as the modern trend about bonding (e.g Gina Ford) What a load of twaddle in my opinion. Babies know who Mum is and how much nicer it is to have an extended family of people who love you.

I do realise that there are some families who don't get along for some reasons but if there is generally a good relationship why not accept all the help you can get.

I agree with Anya. I think it's fair enough for a poster to say what their personal preference is or what people in their family/circle of friends do. In my view, though, it is rather "inflammatory" to suggest that another person's family/friends are "rude" - and to use the expression "get over it".

I t depends on whether you are doing anything that you don't want to interrupt, or whether you feel like some time on your own.

The answer to friends who drop in unexpectedly too often is to keep a coat behind the door. Stick one arm into a sleeve as yyu open the door. If you are pleased to have them come in, you say "Oh great, I have just come in, what good timing. If you are not, you say "Oh I'm sorry, I am just going out. What bad timing"

I would point out that it was not actually me who used the 'inflammatory' phrase, Eloethan, in case you haven't read the whole thread!

I just felt the defensive posts were dragging on a bit yesterday...

(nor did I agree about the rudeness allegation!)

Elegran perfect solution.

Elegran - I like it!

Some days my phone would never stop ringing if everyone who popped in to see me called beforehand.
Family pop in if they are in the area, but call beforehand if they need to see me, are coming from a distance, or if they hope for a meal. Ditto close friends who live nearby. Other friends mostly call before visiting, but they know I'm always pleased to see them if they're in the area and get a moment to just pop in. I do get a lot of 'casual' callers who turn up in the hope of a chat and a cup of tea and there are people I see 'by appointment' for various reasons.
I tend not to call in on friends without calling first, but when my daughter lived nearby I occasionally popped in on her, taking the chance that she would be at home - and because I know that seeing me unexpectedly was always a welcome surprise for her.

Well, all you 'poppers-in 'would have a hard time here in France. You just don't 'pop-in'. You ring first, on peril of being struck off the neighbourhood social list. And woe betide you if you ring or call round between the hours of 2.00 and 4.30. No-one, but no-one does that. That's probably why I feel so comfortable here. I hate, just hate being caught unawares... sans at least a flick of make-up, cleaned teeth, brushed hair, and with a kitchen not cleaned up from th bombsite of the night before. I have deep respect for all you self -confident souls who have that 'Take me as you find me' attitude but some of us just need a bit of a warning before friends and aquaintances launch themselves on us.

So anyone coming to the Pyrenees for a skiing holiday, you're very welcome to pay me a visit, but just ring first

Grannyknot - you are perfectly entitled to disagree with me and others who would consider it rude to just turn up unexpectedly.

I would say that if you have been having a conversation over the low wall and the lady then invites you in, that's fine - she has chosen to invite you in but without you putting her in the awkward position of having to decide whether or not to ask you in if you had, instead, just knocked on her door (most people are polite and would invite someone in that has called on speck - the politeness should work both ways though).

Maybe it's because I am a southerner, but I have never gone along with the `drop in` thing. Neither have my friends, we are all the same. We make prior arrangements.

My daughter has a 6 year old and 16 month old and she works, so again I would never just `drop in`. We do have a great understanding though, I go round there to help sometimes as she is very busy and perhaps catch up on the ironing. We invite each other round from time to time and if I am out and coming her near her way then I will text so see if it is convenient but she will tell if it isn't and I understand that. Again she might be out and want to call in to us and if we are not on our way out the door somewhere, then she is more than welcome.

Instead of just `popping round` suggest you go round to give a hand cleaning or cooking perhaps and I am sure she will be grateful. Also invite her to your place, she might feel she has to have the place all neat and tidy and maybe she's not up to it yet.

If my children or family call and ask if I am in there is not much that I would not put off to see them. I would only say no if I had made arrangements to meet someone or was working. I am no domestic goddess but have been told people feel very welcome in our home so I do not worry any more

While quite happy for friends and family to drop in (doesn't happen often), my MiL and FiL used to regularly turn up when it suited them (usually when DH was on the golf course) and stay, regardless of what we were doing even and when I had friends in! So like janerowena I made a point of taking DCh out on Sundays and saying "Oh dear, if only you'd phoned to say you were coming we'd have stayed in" They never got the message!

I wish there was an 'edit post' option!

My goodness, what a lot of offence has been taken. I will pure phrase what I said, to try to alleviate the fussing:

I would consider it rude if people dropped in without warning me by text or phone call.

Thiis does not mean, for heaven's sake, that I think any GNetters' friends are rude - I don't know them! And if dropping in suits you, fine, enjoy it.

Going back to the question raised by ethel....apart from the dropping in aspect, maybe none of us would welcome a visitor, family or otherwise if they bring in a bag of smelly second hand jumble and skip pickings for us to use with our new baby!

I agree, GillT57, although my MIL occasionally used to pass on some hideous second-hand stuff she had got from goodness' knows where for the DC when they were little. I usually disposed of it quietly later.

I think its about tolerance and a bit of give and take on both sides its one of these problems that you can see both sides of the coin I do think its a bit strange to make an appointment to see your own daughter and new grandchild but that really depends on how much its happening if mum is popping in too regularly that could be irritating

Having been a service wife often in unknown overseas places I think I would have gone mad without 'poppers in' ut I have got so out of the habit now that it would come hard now but I really miss those spontaneous cups of coffee

My kids would have been naked without second hand clothes but I've got a feeling that this friend may be so much for a recycling bargain that the daughter may be fed up to the back teeth with it, its not really normal for people Mums to be 'climbing into skips' and I m just imaging her coming out of the skip with a reclaimed Moses basket and shaking the brick dust and spiders off, thrilled with her find bless her and the daughter thinking 'oh no'

I guess there's a difference even in levels of second hand

Bluebelle I guess there's a difference even in levels of second hand I agree

Catching up with the original post. the world's best recycler should keep her recycled items to herself. A young mother wants to remain in control of the clothes and toys her baby gets and I can understand her getting annoyed about a bundle of recycled things.
I you want to get on with a young mother start a savings account and put your money in that.
Nothing against a few second hand toys or clothes but you can keep them at your own house for when baby visits.
Nowadays it is always better to ring before popping in.

My MIL used to buy me some beautiful clothes for my two oldest children which I very much appreciated. She also used to visit me anytime she felt like dropping in which I didn't mind. What I really hated was her calling loudly out to me as she arrived at our flat "you up yet Faye." Lucky I was friendly with my neighbours and they didn't think I (with a baby) slept all day.

My SIL worked at a charity shop and brought home bags of second hand clothes for my children when we lived in England. She was quite upset that I didn't really love dressing my children in all of her finds. I would have thought she should have left the clothes in the shop so other people had a chance to buy something.