Upset with granddaughter

My two grandmothers disliked each other and were always icily polite whenever they met! They shared the same first name, and punctiliously addressed each other by it, although both had nicknames they could have used. We children called them by different names (one had a family nickname that everybody in every generation used, including the great-grandchildren, as they came along), so there was no confusion there.

My grandsons see less of their other grandparents than they do of their Granda and me, as the others live some distance away. With the predictable result that Granny and Grandad spoil them more than Gran and Granda do - but I like to feel they actually know us better. I hope they like their other grandparents, though - they are due to spend a week with them at the start of the summer holidays, so they'll have need to!

This seems very common with DIL's. It used to upset me enormously to see regular facebook posts (still continuing) about the unequal amount of time the boys spend with "the other one" but now I just think how petty and enjoy the times we do see them which are not too few and far between. I know they love coming to our house and always get requests for what pudding to make prior to visits. I had to take a lot of rubbish and put downs from DIL to start with but, hard for me, held my tongue and showed her I am not the threat she thought. I am sure she is full of insecurities for all her outward confidence and my patience worked. Realise that you have your own life too and get on with it !!

Please don't take it to heart, little dots have no idea what they are saying half the time and certainly not the impact. I doubt if she knows what love means. generally to toddlers it might be the one that I saw last/ gave me chocolate/ piles of presents/didnt correct me etc etc. All pretty meaningless as others have said. Enjoy your time together, no competing

My DGC have always spent more time with their other grandmothers than with me (I am mother of two sons) but why aren't you happy that your DGC have more than one grandparent. As long as you love them that's what they need and want. My DCD couldn't bear to be anywhere near me for years from birth then one day she hugged me and I know she loves me now very much. Don't rise to it. This is a child talking. Just love them

I feel that I am in competition with other gran simply as she ahs more money than me. I don't know how I will compete at Christmas. the other gran buys several outfits a week, sweeties, toys and gets anything DGD asks for. I can only afford to give at birthday and xmas and occasionally other times.

I bought her some undies the other week and DD said the other gran had bought a couple of outfits.

I feel that the other gran has more influence on DGD and as DD and partner refuse to buy lots of unnecessary stuff, she will go to the other 'side ' for things she wants as she gets older. kids are very materialistic.

"little dots have no idea what they are saying half the time and certainly not the impact" (quoting confusedbeetle)

Oh, I think the little buggers know exactly what they are saying. Nothing like as innocent as we think they are.

I loathe the idea of competition for the affection of children, especially when it involved grandparents. Surely we ought to be old enough to know better

I don't want to b ein competition with the other gran but it makes me feel small to be unable to afford nice things for DGD.
Maybe other grans feel the same if they are unable to do more than they would like.

Age hasn't got anything to do with it!

ethel your DD is still very young, she will know you love her just as much as her other Gran.

Do try to stop worrying about the future and don't buy her anything more than you can afford. That way madness (and bankruptcy) lies!

(sorry, meant your DGD!)

I asked DGD if she loved me today and she said 'no'
I asked if she loved the other gran and she said 'no', I continued asking about other members of the family and the answers were all no, then she smiled sweetly and said , 'I just love Mamma'. no probs.

I have a really good relationship with my sons partner,she has a little girl by previous relationship,mum has suggested she calls me nanny which is fine by me as my 16 yr old GD lives with me I look on it as being a generic nanny younger women =mummies older women= nanny..I see a lot of her and babysit 12 hours Saturday and other babysitting...L's mum is a serving police officer and due to shifts dosent see as much sometimes I worry that L's mum may get upset ,I have said to L if both nans are together that I will stand back and defer to her mum as I would hate her to think I am taking over....she really is a dear little girl and I love her dearly....

Children say all sorts of things they don't mean. I have one grandson who I adore and see often because his mum is my daughter. I also have one granddaughter who I also adore, is a baby (9 months) and I see her once every 10 days or so for a short time but it is ok as her mum is my DIL. I know you are not alone but children grow up and like different people for different reasons. You may be the best at playing or letting her do something other nanny doesn't (not anything naughty of course!) Try not to be upset but it does stab you right in the heart.
My lovely grandson didn't want to have lunch at my house, with mum in tow, yesterday and said we weren't friends (he is 3) yet later he came round with mum like nothing had happened. Kids are kids.

I looked after my grandson (DD's son) whilst she worked full time until he went to school and am now doing the same for my Grandaughter. Consequently I get to do all the discipline, try to get them to eat as healthy as possible and stick to routines, meanwhile Nana (SIL's mum) Sees them once maybe twice a week ( she works full time) and gets to be the " fun gran" e.g. feeds them endless sweets and cakes etc., let's them run riot and of course they are in their element. I sometimes wish it was vice versa but mostly I'm grateful to be spending so much time with them.

My DGS lives in the Isle of Man with DIL mother just round the corner. When My DGS was born, I decided I was going to be the FUN Grandma (I wanted to be Nan but the other had that and now when I hear him say "Grandma" my heart melts) When we go over or they come here I am in his face the whole time and we just play and have a great time. We speak on Skype and he is always asking when we are going over to see him. I have had jealous feelings but my DH keeps my feet on the ground by letting me sound off at him rather than risk my relationship with my son and grandson.

When they were small one set of grandchildren called me Nan, the other set Granny. After a week's holiday together they had swapped over what they called me! I've also been 'other Nan' at one time as I was the one GD saw less often, Nan lived very close and she saw her most days.
Try to rise above it all (I am not saying it's easy or pleasant!) and enjoy your grandchildren - life is short and shared moments precious. I find photos from 10, 15 years ago and wonder where the babies went!! In fact they're still there but teenagers and needing our love and support in different ways.

After having 3 sons I accepted that I would probably be second Granny if/when grandchildren arrived. I think there's a saying re a daughter for life but a son 'till he meets his wife. Sadly son + DIL have parted but thankfully we still see both grandchildren for days at our home and sometimes for sleepovers. I offer help and accept gratefully when the offer is accepted. Don't know how long this situation will continue but just make the most of it now.

My youngest granddaughter was always one for comparing her grandsmothers. Which of us had dyed hair, who was strict about table manners.etc. My opposite number always takes a present when she goes. I don't and that is often discussed in front of me.
They are lucky to have two grans who love them and in the end both of us will be left behind and drop out of their thoughts as they grow older.

I make it clear that it is their mother who is important to me and because they love her too, we are together on that. That's something we share and it gives them a feeling of security in a loving family.
If your granchildren have that then that is enough.

Sadiesgran Please don't let this bother you. Ten years on from looking after 2 girls I'm still not the favourite gran, but they're old enough now to know that they can always rely on me for regular school pick-ups and a listening ear. Other granny still the favourite one, she's wealthier and better looking than me; has a holiday home abroad. Added to that she's a really nice person whom I like to spend time with a couple of times a year. Doesn't really matter what the kids think. You'll know you're doing your best as will the little one's parents.
Just keep on keeping on what you're doing now.

I have a half sister who never lived with us. My DM said her MIL had brought her up from babyHood and wouldn't let her live with us. My half sister who I contact infrequently told me that she had gone to visit my parents long before I was born and mum's mother was there sitting by the fire. She hugged and kissed her and sat her on her knee and said please call me nana . My halfsister said it was wonderful as the gran she lived with was not affectionate and when she told this gran about her welcome from nana she was never allowed to visit again.

Oh Stansgran what a sad story! I feel so sorry for that nana. It must have broken her heart!

Children say all sorts of things, even though sometimes seemingly outrageous, it is because of that it is often hilarious. My granddaughter once informed her great grandmother that 'she would be going to the angels soon', we all laughed. My grandsons also have said all sorts of things, they are 3 and 6 and the 3 year old regularly tells me he is not my friend and he is not playing any more (especially if I sit him on the naughty step). The 6 year old comes out with all sorts of stuff, the other day he told me 'my tummy was very big' I could not help laughing because 'out of the mouth's of babes'.
I sometimes feel prickly about the 'other' grandmothers, I put that down to my feelings, we can all get very possessive about are little darlings, I include all grandparents in conversations and ask how they are all doing, that way our grandchildren are not dragged into adult feelings, especially the little ones, they easily pick up on bad vibes. Keep laughing and all will be fine.

It's uncomfortable to be told by a grandchild that one is preferred to the other grandmother.

I think it's really sad that grandparents see it as some sort of competition for 'Who's the Best Grandmother'.

It's never crossed my mind that I would be in competition against my DDIL's mother as to who sees DGS most/buys the most/ biggest/most expensive presents etc.

Maybe I'm an exception and should be worrying? I'm just very thankful that we all get on very well together.