So confused and Angry

Oh, I've just read the other thread you started in July, Littlepig which seems to be all about how awful your MIL is! Sorry, I've lost all patience and sympathy now.

Why?

But you have written an essay,*several*. What is the big deal?
This was not a request for advice, but an appeal for justification of your antipathy to your in-laws.
Personally I do not recognise any of thedysfunctional behaviour traits you describe either of your in-laws or indeed your DH. Including my sons in law, the young (well, in their late 30's) men I know take a mature attitude to their relationship with their parents, they do not duck out of arrangements which are inconvenient by claiming they "have to consult 'er indoors"
Not do people arrive uninvited or insist on staying when it is inconvenient, that is if they are given that information in a reasonable manner. A simple "sorry, can't do those dates" would be respected. They do not read other people's messages on their iPad or have a strop over a baby's bedtime on one single occasion.
I am not sensing any genuine attempt at communication, just reaction and overreaction. Oh and a general invitation to the sharing of "in-laws from hell" anecdotes.

Your baby is their grandchild but only their grandchild
However she doesn't leave her children with her MIL. The parenting styles are very different and MIL won't look after the boys as their mother would like

With due respect those two statement sound contradictory to me Annis51

Yes, they are grandparents and I don't think it matters if they have different 'grandparenting styles'; children will learn the difference and whether or not they prefer one to another. I think it does them good in fact.
My DM and MIL were very different indeed in their styles of parenting and subsequent grandparenting, and my DGC noticed that from a very early age (and can have a little giggle about it now they are grown-up).
Who is to say which way is wrong and which way is right as long as the children are well cared for?

Because, Luckygirl, the OP seems to have changed tack from vilifying her MIL on the first thread to complaining mainly about her FIL's attitude on this one. It does seem rather a fuss to make about just one week's visit...

So I've trained my sil to put his wife first and to listen to her.

How did you manage that!! I never knew that a SIL could be 'trained' (or even a DH come to that).
It makes him sound like a pet dog.

my way or the highway

I have two sons in other countries and would only stay with them at times convenient to them. I think you should talk to your husband about the situation Littlepig, and if he is in agreement and feels as you do, you should present a united front and tell the in-laws that it is not convenient for them to visit in term time and that they can't come. If it's going to cause a lot of friction with husband you may have to put up with them; but do as others have said and don't clean up after them or disrupt your routine too much.

This thread is about poor old Judthepud

I have really lost the plot now .....

I dont think i will continue to post because a lot of posters believe that what i have said couldnt possibly be true....

Alea it is all well for you to say that people dont behave how they have, but they have behaved that way and i dont know how to deal with it and i agree with you 100% about the ipad thing, because if my husband hadnt done that, i wouldnt know about it and what you dont know cant hurt you.....

Do you really believe any parent is as bad as that?
Yes, I can believe it, but sometimes it needs the hurt, angry and confused person to step back, take a deep breath and work out the best way forward without aggravating the situation, with the help of the OH, who must be bewildered by all this upset.
Perhaps he needs to step up to the mark and have a talk with his parents without getting angry, staying calm and reasonable.
If they stomp off and say they will never darken the door again, that is their loss.

But I think I am wasting my breath typing fingers

Ana in general they both have bad attitudes and are quite intimidating people, my husband is on the same page as me, there is no friction there, but when they dont get their own way they react badly......me and my husband are afraid of them, we dont want to be belitted or humilated what more can i say? Maybe thats the problem, we let them walk over us. This post is about my fil because that's who my husband had the conversation with.....the last post was about my mil because thats how SHE was acting at that time.

^ i dont know how to deal with it^

Take a deep breath, calm down, you are getting yourself in a state about something that hasn't happened yet.

Read the book, read the book!
I am sure it helped someone I know!
If not, it's just a waste of a few pounds and a bit of time. [wmile]

not wmile but

I am very puzzled that the OP's difficult relationship with her in-laws is the source of such apparent unkindness.

There will of course be two sides to this; but that is true of many people who come on here for advice. Why is this so different? There is no reason to think that we are not being told the truth as she sees it.

It is a shame that things are so difficult for the OP and I hope that she will find some way of sorting this out.

I think a week is a long time to have 2 people with whom you do not get on in the house - I might manage an afternoon!

Rosequartz the book has been ordered. I hope it can help or at least maybe i can learn something from it.

I have to agree with Luckygirl about some of the attitudes to the OP. In fact, some posters are virtually saying they don't believe her. There's threads on here where it's the GP talking about the difficulties with the DiL/SiL and those posters seem to get empathy, support and advice. Why is the OP being treated differently? Is it maybe because she is the DiL and not the GP?

I have been uncomfortable with some of the responses and am surprised the OP stuck around so long. I've read another thread today where a poster decided they were wrong to ask for advice on here and it was because of the initial responses to what seemed to be a perfectly reasonable question.

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

I could be wrong but this post seems to have become another of those threads where what starts as a resonable enquiry goes on and on with further complications of the plot every night. We seem to get a number of these.

The longer I have been on GN the more obvious this style of post becomes.
It's Whitany all over again.

Gosh! Poor Littlepig66 - I bet you wish that you hadn't started this!
I think that she had a perfectly reasonable post asking for advice and then not only is she told that she is a liar but that she is immature and writes badly!!

I have a great realationship with my MIL and my DIL and I have just sons BUT you do have to be friendly and pleasant, you can't treat people the way they treat OP and her DH.
We only have one side of the story- and we can only offer advice on one side.

I think Littlepig has been very reasonable throughout, she and her DH need a united front to say they can't cope with visitors in term time- I don't know how they can.

Oh good! I haven't read it but got it sent to someone who needed help.

Lp66 plan in advance! Write out a timetable for each day. When the in laws arrive give it to them with a huge smile. "So sorry you couldn't come in the holidays. We are so busy but I've written everything out so you know where we are and what needs doing."
Make sure the cooking and childminding are clearly shown and write their names next to some jobs. Take advantage of their visit to have a night out with your DH. They can babysit. Give them a key and get them to do some running about for you, collecting baby etc, even shopping lists.
Remember people can only bully you if you let them.

I nearly became (ok I did for a while) the disgruntled Dil/nagging wife and it was far too sodding stressful!

To the Dil bashers - did you all have great relationships with your pil? I got on fine with mine until we had our lo (first grandchild) and there was a lot if tention on that side for the first year - I'm not sure why, if I'm honest I was a bit of a control freak new mum - I knew what I wanted for our child and wanted to breath fire on anyone who tried to do things differently (the endless - give a bottle comments, trying to suggest taking lo out without me at 6 weeks old and trying to feed our baby solids when I was exclusively breast feeding to name a few) these may seem like trivial things to most of you but the hormones after birth are REAL. I understood they were trying to forge a relationship with the grandchild they had waited a long time for - I get that. I find it easier to see it from their perspective now but I do feel like some people demand respect without giving any - I was treated as if I didn't exist half the time and did not enjoy it.

My point is that I think we can lose sight of other people's feelings when something BIG is going on in our lives, I was guilty of it with them, they were guilty of it with me. The op posted 'in the summer' - even if it was a mil bashing post - her son was very little - she was probably still crazy with hormones - have you all forgotten what that's like? I don't think I ever will! Definitely took me by surprise!

Try to enjoy the visit for your lo and your husbands benefit. They'll be happy to see your visitors x

To the Dil bashers.......
It's not the DILs being "bashed" here!

Trisher has very simply put forward some practical suggestions, as others attempted to do earlier, but littlepig still seems to feel the need to blame her in-laws for every thing. She asked for advice and has had a range of suggestions including getting DH on side, being polite but firm regarding dates, involving them in her domestic arrangements, carrying on with ye normal routine etc.
Littlepig, I am glad you agree breaching someone's privacy by nosing through their iPad was wrong, but not for the reasons you state. Simply because it is the height of bad manners, if you can't see that I don't know how you can whinge at your in-laws' manners.
So on one thread you moan about your FIL, on the other, your MIL, the message is clear. You don't like them, you don't want to have them stay with you, well if you go on like this, they should get the message. Pity you and your DH were not adult enough to manage the situation in a more mature and civilised manner.

Lucky legs : That worried me too.

LP66, perhaps you should read this book as well: Never be a victim again, by Don Clowers