Painfully shy grandchild

Perhaps you should look at the website Quiet Revolution, as should your daughter. Not all children are outgoing, and some like to have a smidgen of control over what they do. This is different from being outright rude and aggressive. If it is shyness and having an introvert personality in a family of extroverts, I can see her point of view. Just be quietly nice to her. Avoid, yourself and others, making fun of the way she behaves. Be accepting of her different point of view, and hopefully she will learn that she is not being treated as odd man out, and will come,out of her shell. Being forced to come to say hello, being isolated by you all as the one who is different, is not helpful for her or for the family. As for her not putting herself forward in class, not everyone is gifted with the confidence to say things in front of 30+ classmates, who may or may not be friendly.

Children who are shy are very sensitive to others underlying reaction to them. It is almost like a blow. They can see if they are sidelined, or not approved of, or that they are the 'odd man out' not as preferred as another child. Of course, some if it might be in their heads, but it is none the less powerful for that. If your granddaughter is an introvert, she will not 'grow out of it', however she may learn to live with it more gracefully if you show her that your love doesn't depend on her showing off in front of others. As you may have guessed, I was the child I described, and my grandmother was my most loved and favourite person, because I knew she loved me. She taught me to sew, and knit, both good activities for the introvert. Her love gave me a foundation to build on. The rest of my family are extroverts. I am not. This is not to say that I am a wilting flower, and obviously neither is your granddaughter. Indinana's advice as to a reaction is excellent. Just be grateful that you have such an intelligent granddaughter. Do check out Quiet Revolution though. It will help you understand.

Wise words from everyone - thank you. It seems that the best approach is to leave well alone and trust her to "come out" when she's ready.

Yes, good idea. But maybe, to "come out of herself."

It does sound as if she is "playing games". Kids often try out how they can control the behaviour of adults and get their parents cajoling or shouting at them. Makes them feel powerful I guess. And the centre of lots of attention.
I would suggest ignoring the behaviour completely - don't reward it with attention. And the parents should never speak or answer for her. It amazes me how many parents do this.
e.g. "Did you have a nice birthday Billie?" "Yes he did, didn't you Billie" "and what did you do on your birthday" "We went to the zoo, didn't we'
Enough to make any self-respecting child rebel.

I was just like your granddaughter. Now at 64 I'm still very shy. I can hardly walk into my Pilates class unless my friend is with me. I always made a point of telling my children they weren't shy and they believed me. My mother used to introduce me and add "she's shy". She meant no harm but it was very damaging to me.

I very much doubt your GD is 'playing games'. Not all children are outgoing and chatty. Most of my GC are quite extrovert but one is very shy. Treecycler and others seem to understand this.

These children cannot and should not be forced into any mould. Leave her alone and don't pester her to be something she's not. Just love her as she is.

There's a book called 'Quiet' which you might care to read and it will give you a greater understanding of these children. It certainly opened my eyes.

There are many facets to this problem. The child may be dealing with what she perceives as difficult or confrontational situations by withdrawing from them rather than being intentionally rude. She may even be an elective mute. I once worked with a girl who refused to communicate verbally at school but was fine at home. Luckily, the school was very understanding and explained to new staff and all children. The children were very accepting and protective even though it was a rough area with a lot of problem families. As a parent, I would approach the new school in good time to make sure all staff were on board and discuss how to approach avoiding bullying. Shy children are easy meat for bullies. There are as many bullies in a grammar school as in any other setting. I don't want to dramatize a situation that hasn't happened but prevention is better than cure. Forcing her to be sociable and punishing her are more likely to make it worse and it's something that's never forgotten by the child.

Hope this isn't too small to be readable.

My almost 14 year old GD has always been painfully shy. Due to distance (and a mother who manages to remember parties, days out etc when visits are at tangled) we see very little of her, so it takes most of a visit before she is comfortable with us, then they leave again. I have always tried not to push myself on her but now feel maybe I went too much the other way. I believe she is fine within her family (bolshy too on occasion) and has lots of friends. Being shy myself, I just try to let her be when I do see her.

Your grand-daughter sounds just like me as a child.If someone is that shy,leave them to it is my belief.Why should a child or the parents have to apologise for the their behaviour?We are not all sociable,outgoing creatures and it can cause harm and embarrassment to make someone feel they are "wrong" to be shy.
I am now 61 and will never outgrow my shyness-it is part of who I am.However,the teachers,peers and even strangers who have urged me to be more outgoing,"enjoy myself more," "join in," "have fun," etc. have made my life a misery.Who designed the social "norm" to which we are all expected to conform?Whoever it was,they did not suffer from extreme shyness.
I would also suggest that your gd may well be on the high-functioning end of the autistic spectrum.But then we are all somewhere on it.

Anya, your picture opens if clicked on or touched. It's excellent advice.

I also doubt your GD is playing games. And I would make sure you don't mention that she's shy to others in front of her.

Anya's Extrovert/Introvert picture fits in very well with the theory of sensitive children. treecycler's post on the Quiet Revolution is about introverted highly sensitive children (and adults) and the work of Susan Cain who is the co-founder of the Quiet Revolution website, is partly based on the extensive work done by Elaine Aron, the author of The Highly Sensitive Child I mentioned before. Although highly sensitive children can be both introverts and extroverts, it sounds like your DGD is introverted, so the

Quiet Revolution website

might be of great interest your family.

If anyone reading this thread is an adult who was crippled with shyness as a child and still feels that way now, you might like to have a look at the

Highly Sensitive Person website. It covers children too though.

I have to say I am another one who wonders whether she is playing games. Most shy people are not, no way.
But the shy young people I know have no problem with grandmothers. None of them. In fact they relish the time together as they can be themselves.

obieone my niece and nephew are both shy and introverted and see their only grandmother (my Mum) a few times a year at most because of where they live. She never had the chance to build a strong bond with them, because as previously mentioned, they just got used to her when she was about to go home. It is a great source of sadness to her because as her only daughter, I chose not to have children, which make my niece and nephew her only grandchildren. They're older now and are not as shy in her company, but that closeness is not there. Fortunately she now has step-grandchildren who live near her and she has a great relationship with them.

Such smart people around here. I've nothing to add. Excellent questions (like is this a change for her?). I'm with the Let Her Be contingency, however I would let her know that her introversion sometimes can come across as being rude. Fine if she doesn't want to have a long conversation, but a smile and a "hello" should be in her repertoire.

I would agree that at 11 years old and about to go to secondary school, she should be able to say hello someone, although hard as it might be I would let her go away then if that's what she wants to do.

Wilma, that is very sad. It sounds like it has all to do with not seeing her often.
I presume they do acknowledge her and dont run away?

Definitely due to not being enough in each others company. Yes, they're fine now and going to secondary school made a huge difference. That said, you'd never call them chatty. My husband and I were lucky because we went on holiday twice to the USA with them and had a lot of one to one time, so we all get on great. But I do feel for my Mum and I know it's one of her biggest regrets. She had dreams of her grandchildren coming to stay during the holidays and that will never happen.

I think Emmasnan has made a very good point forcing the child into contact is really not going going to help her at all.

I would be quite concerned about how such a shy child from a primary school which is probably much smaller and more intimate is going to feel in a secondary school that will be a much bigger and noisier environment.

Could her parents start talking to her current school and see if they can arrange with the secondary school a way of helping her to settle more easily.

She is not playing games and it is not about control as suggested.
Shy children are very misunderstood. I was a shy child and drawing attention to it, or trying to 'bring me out' was the worst possible thing.
It takes time. I am not shy now but it was a long slow progress and I was probably late 20's before I became more confident.
She should never be described as 'shy' or excused by it. As already said - do not answer for her. Just treat her as perfectly normal. Do things with her that have a purpose so that you can talk without 'making conversation'.
Encourage things that she is good at but don't push and never mention that it is to make her more outgoing.
She can't be doing too badly if she has a place at grammar school and friends.
Don't expect to have cuddles- I was never cuddly as a child and liked my own space.

I always managed fine at school. Lots of children are shy.

I was very shy, so were all my children. We've all had happy lives without shouting about it.
My little grandson is gentle, quiet and shy and his teachers all love him. Let's celebrate the introverts, not think there's something wrong which needs fixing.
Personally I can't stand loud pushy children.

Well said watermeadow - I spent my time at parent's evenings saying that it would all come in time and not something you can force.
I hated my school reports saying Leticia would get more out of her lessons if she took a more active part as if I was supposed to say 'that's where I'm going wrong- I will speak from now on'!! Comments like that where very inhibiting.
Introverts are not all shy - I don't think my children were shy, but they were not extroverts. We should celebrate introverts - they are just different not inferior to extroverts. We need both.
Touchy freely people always seem to think that it is better- we are not all demonstrative and that doesn't mean there is anything lacking in us!

The power of the introvert here We should celebrate them.

I was painfully shy up until I had my children when it improved a little . Mine was due to lack of confidence and it was agonising to be practically struck dumb in company. At 64 I am still quiet and reserved and still freeze a bit in company but I am fine one to one . I wish I was different but at my age I probably won`t change .
Saying that I would never have ignored my Grandmother , that must be awful for you to not even get a hello or a hug especially as you say she is different with friends x