I think that you need to support the child you have rather than mould them to what you want.
As a child I was very happy and comfortable with my mother's side of the family because you could walk in after 6 months and they treated you as if they had seen you yesterday. My father's side made a great fuss of you, you were expected to kiss them and answer all sorts of questions before you had time to get used to them.
Lots of children never 'put themselves forward'. On MN you get mothers incensed because they child, 'yet again' doesn't have a main part in the school play, with no understanding that the child actually wanted to be the back row of the chorus. My neighbours child didn't even want to do that, he used to operate the lights. It doesn't mean that they don't change- he now produces films.
I think that OP ought to stop trying to 'bring out' the child, but rather interact with the one that they have. She needs to feel comfortable first. OP needs to get one to one situations where they are doing something - walking, cooking, gardening, playing scrabble, leading to knit etc etc are all things where they can talk without eye contact. Don't ask leading questions - chat and they are more likely to join in. e.g Don't say 'what subject do you like best at school?' But say what you liked and why, most likely they will then agree or disagree and you can go from there.
Anyone telling me that I was rude not doing a 'hello' and a hug would make it all the more difficult, you can't feel comfortable if people are critical. Counselling would have pushed me right into a shell.
Start with the positives
She is bright and doing well at school.
She has friends.
She has friends around and she stays with them.
She is bolshy sometimes- therefore a mind of her own!
(My mother thought my best friend at 11yrs was 'quite bullying' but she is still a great friend 50 years later)
Sorry to keep replying but I feel so sorry for the child to have her family at their 'wits end' and trying to get through with 'love and punishment' and comparing her with her 'lovely, happy outgoing mother'. She obviously doesn't take after her mother or her grandmother and needs time, space and encouragement. You can't force it. She may get worse as a teenager as it is a very difficult time. (I hated those years)
If I had to choose.....just one day
Pre Warning re Tonight’s Eastenders
Prayer ban at Katharine Birbalsingh’s school is lawful, High Court rules .