Being Kept in the Dark

I'm 100% behind nonnie1,I've had experience of someone with the views of your SIL and they weren't for a healthy relationship.What gives him the right to stop you being there for your daughter in times of need. I would be most upset if this was my SIL, what else is he keeping from you.Be nice for you and your daughter to have some time together.

Hard though it is, when a grown up son or daughter are living with a partner, the role of a parent changes. I think you are wise to be willing to step back and leave it, but agree that it would do no harm to make it known that you are still there for your daughter if needed. It is possible that your daughter's partner feels that it is his responsibility now, and one which is only too happy to fulfill. Perhaps he is afraid that he would look weak if he included you, or maybe it doesn't occur to him to do so because of the way his own mother is.
Personally, as a divorced parent of two boys, and a chronic silent (as in I tried not to show it!) worrier, it was such a relief when they left home to live with a partner or spouse. No more sleepless night if they were out in the car, waiting to hear them come in etc, it was nice to know that in the event of an emergency someone else, who loved and cared for them every bit as much as I did, would be the one to get the phone call. Of course it is not that straightforward, and when I have sensed problems with them I still worry, but it is the way of the world that parents be supplanted by a partner. When I was younger, still married, and my parents were alive, I am not sure that I would have wanted to share all my worries with my mum even though we had a very close bond, mostly because I would not have wanted to worry her. To me she became not so much a mother type figure, but more of a close and beloved friend on equal terms.

The only thing is, if your daughter is not actually married, I am not sure who, legally, would be the next of kin, who may need to give permission for certain forms of treatment etc, this might be an issue to be considered and perhaps discuss with them both.

Next of kin is whoever the patient has stated it to be.

Just have a chat with your daughter's partner, make sure your daughter is there. Tell him how you feel and that you are not about to panic over everything. Honest, open chat, is the best, hiding feelings is terrible. He will respect you for being open, just make sure it is done quietly without rancour.

Both my husband and I had operations when we were in our forties and neither time did we tell m in law until afterwards and all was well as she was such a worrier. Therefore if my children don't tell me about similar things I would understand despite not being a worrier. However, daughter wanted to tell you and son in law persuaded her not to tell your it would come over as a control issue. (Perhaps I have been listening to the Archers too much!)

Difficult situation, as new relationships take time to develop and grow. Yet very understandable that you love and care deeply for your daughter. Her partner ideally should be a welcome addition to the family. But given that his life experience/s may be very different, it takes time to get to know one another. Whether that be preferences, personality, coping mechanisms or other aspects.

Maybe they need time with you to become aware of your nature etc. Hopefully in time you will all develop a Respectful, Supportive and Interacive Bond.

It's a difficult one - so much depends on the natures of all concerned. I kept a lot from my parents.
Another point is that in the "old days" it wasn't possible to have the immediate contact we can have now.
We didn't have a telephone until we'd been married a couple of years. And then used it rarely, no free calls then. And certainly no internet.