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Am I right to feel miffed

(38 Posts)
Opelessgran15 Thu 28-Jul-16 10:16:37

I suggested to a very recently widowed friend that when she felt up to it, did she fancy going on one of the ' bargain break' coach hols to Scotland for a few days? I had already mentioned to my partner, who was quite happy about this. it's something I have always fancied doing, and and I thought it would be an ideal opportunity for my friend to try, thinking perhaps next spring. This was one night last week, we had a chat about it. This week, she tells me she has booked one of these trips with another friend,all booked, paid for, animals in kennels etc, for September. I did say ( nicely, I know she is vulnerable at the moment, and I have been widowed,so I understand the emotional upset) that I thought it had been a plan for she and I and she said " well I want to go with you too sometime" . I feel a bit hurt to be honest. The other friend has done this before, I assume on hearing of potential plans ,seizes on them, and as she lives alone puts them quickly into action, whereas I have to budget a bit and plan ahead cos of GC duties etc. I feel I want to say something to my widowed friend, i.e how has this come about so suddenly, why is she going with other pal after my suggestion?It also seems to me she is not sure about going anyway, and the other person is very frosty towards others at times, and has often put a damper on trips away, whereas myself and my friend usually have a laugh if things go wrong or someone gets in our nerves a bit. What do I do?do I fret inwardly, leave it, say something? It's nagging at me that it feels unfair, which is selfish considering my friend has just lost her husband, thoughts and comments pleeease!

DanniRae Thu 28-Jul-16 10:30:42

Oh this would have really upset me too. But you did say something at the time and well done for that. I would now put it down to experience and not mention it again. You were being a good friend to this lady so don't feel bad - just say to yourself "It's her loss!"

Elegran Thu 28-Jul-16 10:33:34

I think the most you can say is something like, "If it should fall through with XXXX maybe we could think of doing it instead - and there will be other chances in the future."

You don't want to put a damper on her holiday by saying that you are disappointed, but you do want her to know that you are happy to go with her. Perhaps she knows this other friend and how it may never happen, for one reason or another.

KatyK Thu 28-Jul-16 10:45:45

Gosh aren't people on here nice? I would be fuming!

jevive73 Thu 28-Jul-16 10:53:35

Your friend my see more potential in the other lady for trips etc. as you have a husband? It might be her chance to strengthen her relationship with a single person. It must be hard after a partner's death to establish a different social lfe?? She will still vaue your friendship.

sunseeker Thu 28-Jul-16 10:53:41

Shortly after I was widowed a friend suggested we go on holiday together, she wanted to do a river cruise and she asked me to look into it, even suggested dates we could go. I got brochures, checked websites and prices, checked dates etc. I then sent an email with all the information and she replied it was only a suggestion! She had asked me to make all the enquiries and had been very enthusiastic about it at the time. I can understand if she had just changed her mind but she left me feeling as if I was trying to pressure her into going - I wasn't, hadn't even begun to think of a holiday at that time.

KatyK Thu 28-Jul-16 10:58:19

I think because I have had this sort of thing happen to me a few times, I find it very hurtful. You are all very kind and understanding, I must try harder.

Anniebach Thu 28-Jul-16 11:17:21

As she is very recently windowed perhaps spending time with someone who doesn't have a partner was what she needed. Not always easy to think things through when struggling with grief

WilmaKnickersfit Thu 28-Jul-16 11:19:33

I'm with KatyK. I would see this a a slap in the face and be cut to the quick. At the very least the friend could have contacted her before booking to explain why she was going with the other person. I would be on my guard now that this friend is perhaps moving away from our friendship.

BlueBelle Thu 28-Jul-16 11:25:54

I m with you KatyK and Wilma I would find this very hurtful and would see my friendship in a different light a real slap in the face she should have said to you so and so has also suggested it andi d like to do both or shall we all go together

MiniMouse Thu 28-Jul-16 11:37:58

I wonder if your friend was backed into a corner and didn't know how to get out of it? Perhaps she thinks of you as such a good friend that she rather took it for granted that you'd forgive her? Having said that, I'd be feeling very hurt, too!

Anniebach Thu 28-Jul-16 12:42:11

But can it not be the poor woman wanted to get away for a few days now not wait until next spring , yes it would have been polite to ring up and say she was going in September but surely understandable she will feel close to a friend who has suffered the loss of a husband too

Elizabeth1 Thu 28-Jul-16 12:54:55

I think this was a very nice gesture on your part Opelessgran15 however I would suggest you give your friend time to see where and who she prefers to holiday with. I'm sure after a while she'll realise who she would want to chum her. It's not always easy to holiday with others at the best of times and she'll get to know this once she's been away. Just continue to be her friend and I'm sure things will work out just fine for you both.

WilmaKnickersfit Thu 28-Jul-16 13:00:46

Annie yes, maybe that's what happened. Nobody is saying they know what the friend was thinking. The OP is just sharing her feelings and asking if she's being unreasonable. She has acknowledged her friend's loss, she's not disregarded it.

Granny2016 Thu 28-Jul-16 13:02:45

Was the other friend perhaps a widow too?.
She is recently widowed so decision making may be quite difficult for her.
I would also suggest that she needs something to help her now while we have some sunshine.
Wish her a nice time,she will likely have a lonely Xmas and will be more than happy to have a spring trip to look forward to.

Willow500 Thu 28-Jul-16 13:05:00

I would feel a bit miffed about it too - I can't help feeling miffed my OH decided on the spur of the moment to jet off to the other side of the world for 2 weeks holiday without really discussing it with me! However in your friend's situation I think it's probable that she's just mentioned it to this other friend who has perhaps thought it was a good idea to take her away from her surroundings for a break. You've spoken to her about it so I would just wish her a great holiday and say that when she gets back the pair of you can plan another break later in the year and carry on as normal.

Bellanonna Thu 28-Jul-16 13:08:43

I was just wondering. When you first broached it with her, had she already booked the September holiday but just didn't mention it at the time? You were talking about next spring, after all. Or did she just mention the idea to her other friend after talking to you, who thought, good idea, and went off and booked it? I can't see too much to be hurt about. The September holiday is not far off and she feels she needs the break. I'm sure she is grateful to have the other option with you next Spring. I wouldn't feel too upset. Just be pleased for her that she's trying to get her life back, and then both of you can talk about exactly where you will go together early next year. I can understand how you feel, but I can see how she wants to move on too.

Anniebach Thu 28-Jul-16 13:18:45

Wilma, some see it as a slap in the face, this does seem s judgement of the friend

WilmaKnickersfit Thu 28-Jul-16 13:37:43

I said that and yes, I am making a judgement about the friend, but that's where the conflicting feelings come in. You feel what you feel, but you can still have some understanding of why the friend did what she did. You don't have to deny your own feelings, just think about the other person too. Hope this makes sense. At the end of the day, because of the friend's circumstances you have to accept the situation and wait to see how things go on.

Linsco56 Thu 28-Jul-16 14:29:43

I can understand your feeling upset, but I would leave it and say nothing. As you've said, she is vulnerable at this time and I think she will need the support and company of all her friends. Possibly she needed a break before next Spring and this other friend offered.

She has said she wants to go with you too sometime, so perhaps you and she can firm up the arrangements for next March when she returns.

Try not to see this as a rebuff. Friendships are rarely exclusive and she will probably be feeling lonely and in need of all the company and friendship she can get.

Console yourself with the fact they'll be eaten by midgies in September....March is far better! Chin up and smile. You sound like a good friend whose feelings have been a little bruised. Have these flowers

grannylyn65 Thu 28-Jul-16 14:40:57

Willow, hope you are included in OH trip!!

vallaza Thu 28-Jul-16 14:52:29

Well I would have made a mental note not to ask her again. I would have booked the holiday as planned, and gone by myself

KatyK Thu 28-Jul-16 14:58:18

Sounds as though the other friend has pushed herself forward. Maybe your friend felt pushed into a corner. I have mentioned on here before how I felt sorry for a recently widowed friend and said if she fancied going out for a drink and a chat sometime to call me. She did and on one of these occasions she said to me 'Since J died, I have been socialising with people I would never of dreamt of going out with before, no offence'
SOME TAKEN smile My DH says 'I wonder if she would have done it for you - I think not' I put it down to the state she was in at the time, DH isn't so sure!

f77ms Thu 28-Jul-16 15:13:07

Maybe I am odd but I would not have been offended by this in the slightest . She perhaps wants to go away before next year and with another single person . It was nice of you to offer to take her with you and your H but it may have been a bit awkward for her . Perhaps she needs a `girly ` few days away . I really don`t know what the problem is about her going away , she is an adult and can do what she likes . If it offends you then don`t offer again .

FarNorth Thu 28-Jul-16 16:08:51

I don't understand all the hurt feelings being talked about here. It's not as if the holiday has been booked for the same time you suggested.
If your friend wants to have a break fairly soon and has someone to go with her, where's the problem?
The last thing she needs is to have to deal with hurt feelings of a miffed friend.