Unmanagable behaviour in 3 yrs old grandson

The OP asked for advice and was pleased at the responses. I'm sure she'll look at these and consider whether any match her GS's issues.

Swanny it only shows lack of understanding when people rush to blame the parents. Try not to get upset and sending you (((hugs))) too.

I have to admit autism was my first thought. The meltdown at the table sounds very much like sensory overload. It would be helpful to get this investigated now because it seems to take such a long time to get help if it is needed.

Thank you Anya ((hugs))

After ruling out any conditions such as ADHD and Autism etc,
if you have ever watched some of these "call in a Wonder Nanny" type programs, you can see how quite appallingly difficult behaviour can often be improved quite dramatically.

This is often achieved by a trained person giving parents the right advice and support for them to change the way they are dealing with their childs "normal" behaviour.
To contact the Health Visitor might be a good start.

This is one of those posts where I have to go away and think about it and what I say. In that time you've posted more information and your grandson's behaviour sounds extreme and at the point where some professional outside advice and support sounds advisable.
You may be trying it already, but monitoring his food and sugar intake is good advice. I could not believe my grandsons behaviour when I indulged him with sweets on a visit to the cinema. He too had and has exhausting and terrible temper meltdowns around difficult family issues - marriage breakdown - Mum meeting someone else. All focused on his mother. I've noticed that a second adult ready to take over as first adult is at the end of endurance, but who reinforces what's expected, can help. Not always possible - I know.
I so hope you find some support. My grandson's behaviour has improved over time and ability to articulate what's angering him. He now asks for relaxation music to go on and it soothes him at night. Might be worth trying worth trying as a quiet background.
My heart goes out to you and your family as you cope with this. Thank goodness your daughter has you with her.

I have been thinking about this again and hope a few more words will help. Firstly I suspect your GS is very bright. I think some of his behaviour shows that he using bad behaviour to get attention and that this is paying off. I would be speaking to the nursery about using something other than timeout. Strictly speaking timeout means a child is left alone and wanting to return to the group means they behave better. Your GS has his key worker sitting with him, so he is effectively getting 1to 1 attention for misbehaving, even if she isn't interacting with him she is still 'his' for that time.
Have you tried the "There's a pig flying by" technique. You reprimand quietly but firmly. "Use your knife and fork please" then whilst he is still thinking about what action he will do next you make some completely unconnected remark to distract him. Can be anything from asking what's for pudding to asking him about a picture he did at nursery. It's just distraction and is there to break the cycle he has got into. It sometimes works. I've worked with kids with bad behaviour and different kids need different approaches.

My advice would to be to keep a record of sleep patterns, triggers, and diet. If nothing else, you will have something to take to the Health Visitor or GP so they can see if he needs assessing. My sister's child is on the AS and found it terribly difficult when her beautiful boy had meltdowns. I think one of the worst things she felt, apart from worrying about her boy, was other people being judgemental when she was doing her absolute best.

Yes I agree with the food issue. In the 70's we were told not to give our kids anything with tartrazine in - ie orange squash. Then a few years later we found out that it was things with red colours that our boy was allergic to. Blackcurrant juice etc. Hence his hyperactivity.
Our grandson aged two and a half days No to anything you say or ask so the best thing is not to ask - just do it.

Oh ladies I am overwhelmed with your comments and thank you all so much for your support and kind suggestions.
I will take on board the food additive issue and change my menu for him to see if that helps. I will also talk to my daughter about this. We are very close and can be frank with each other and I would never let my GS's behaviour forge a wedge between us. Outside help may be the next step to take but that has to come from my daughter. I feel so much better after our discussions in this forum and much to think about and try.
Thank you all so much XXX

DGD was much worse at 3 than at 2 and can still have the occasional 'meltdown'.
DD used to react to Coca Cola (banned in our house, but I always knew when she had drunk some at a friend's house!)

I also wondered if the 6 year old is aggravating him on the quiet? Older siblings can annoy younger ones then act very innocently when the younger one reacts.
The younger one may not have the means yet of articulating his frustrations and your DD needs to remain calm and consistent when dealing with him.

Good luck!

Just glanced at this thread title and had a worrying few minutes pondering this "unimaginable" behaviour! Note to self : must read more slowly!

I thought that most 3 year olds behaved in an unimaginably unmanageable way from time to time.
Especially when there is an older sibling involved.

Chances are he's a perfectly OK very bright little one who is learning to manipulate adults to get all bothered and upset about him, ignore the running round in every decreasing screaming and maddening circles in the garden, best thing for him
Throwing food is such fun when it gets a reaction
I d say much less attention to the 'bad behaviour' and the distraction method that Trisher advised is a good one
The only thing out of your description that would make me keep an eye on things re GP is the sleeping as ADHD does often cause poor sleeping habits but 3 is too young to diagnose
To be honest with you I d be MUCH, MUCH more worried if he was quiet (very good) and withdrawn than this seemingly extreme but fairly normal behaviour he's just showing his spirit

Yes. I'm sure we could help you more if you gave us an example of the type of behaviour yous grandson displays and how long the episodes last.

There are so many ways you can deal with this, but you need to make sure you all approach it in the same way, staying calm (that's hard) when he has a meltdown.

Does he have sufficient language to explain how he's feeling when the problems occur? Please tell us a little more.