Unmanagable behaviour in 3 yrs old grandson

I know it is hard but I would advise leaving your daughter to handle it and trying to support her as best you can.

Florence does your grandson go to playgroup? What is his behaviour like there? What sort of things is he doing? Sorry for all the questions but there might be an underlying cause.

Does your daughter see it as a problem or is it your perception? The GP would be the first port of call but your daughter has to make that decision.

Why does the older brother get into bother? Please give us some more detail. How long has it been going on for and is he reaching milestones at approximately the normal time? What is his speech like?

Is he due for an assessment with the health visiting team?

Trying desperately to imagine what a 3 year old can do that is 'so extreme that no-one knows what to do with him' More details please.

Yes. What form does this 'unmanageable ' behaviour take?

With our 6 and 3 year old GS's playing nicely means , no blood.

Is his behaviour mainly naughtiness and disobedience or does it spill over into aggression?

Definitely need more info and more instances One person unreasonable behaviour is anothers normal Three is very young to be labelling him as unmanageable, is he just not conforming to your idea of a 'good' child especially if his older sibling is quiet and conforming I too don't understand why his older brother is getting into trouble ?

What does he actually do?

Small comfort while this is going on but absentdaughter, who has six children (only one of whom is younger than three), reckons that they were all awful at three years old, far worse than the fabled terrible twos. The older five all grew out of the behaviour exhibited then although, naturally, they still have their moments.

I suspect that three-year-olds like to try out boundaries and test how much power they have, especially if there is at least one older child. I think that keeping calm and keeping consistent are the keys to dealing with it.

My grand daughter used to have terrible "meltdowns", often for the most trivial of reasons, or even no discernible reason at all. She would become uncontrollably angry and distraught and nothing whatever would calm her down.

I read a book called Love Bombing which I found quite useful. Although some of the writer's suggestions seemed a bit extreme to me, I took from it the need for demonstrations of closeness and love, both through actions and words.

My grand daughter (touch wood) doesn't seem to get these bouts of prolonged crying very often now but when she does become angry/distressed I give her a great big hug rather than try to reason with her. In fact, every time I see her - and her brother - they remind me that we must have our "great big hug".

My daughter tells me that I was very undemonstrative and not at all tactile when she was little - and, on reflection, I can see that what she says is true. She has had her problems over the years and I can now see that the lack of hugs, combined with an over-critical parenting style, has been a contributing factor.

I'm not saying the problem with your grandson is a parenting issue - I'm just relating my own experience. Even if you had given more information, I don't know your family or how they respond to each other. It may well be, as absent says, that this is just an extreme case of the terrible twos/threes and the tantrums will eventually disappear. Perhaps very young children who cannot express themselves well verbally can feel suddenly overwhelmed by their feelings. Anyway, I don't think more big hugs and affectionate words will do any harm.

Last year all of my six GC were visiting at the same time. One of them mentioned how naughty youngest GD then 3 was, (she was carrying on at the time). My answer was "yes, you were like that at that age and look how lovely you have all turned out. They smiled and agreed. ??????

Florence check what your GC is eating, my eldest GC's behaviour was affected by preservatives. She is also becomes the angriest child if she is over hungry, give her something to eat and she instantly changes back to her normal self. She really has grown into the kindest eleven year old. I have to admit I did wonder when she was two and three years old what she would turn out like. My GC who was easy and very sweet at three now at seven/eight can be quite destructive. He has gotten into lots of trouble because he deliberately breaks things.

Bravely and very well said, eloethan.

My DGS was appalling at 3. Running away in public places and having mega melt-downs - 2 year old tantrums that started a bit late. There was a not of saying "no" going on and he was saying "no" back to everyone. What a surprised.
Small children have tantrums to try to get control. They are testing the limits and trying to manipulate the behaviour of those around them. The are testing the boundaries. I have seen him kick off because his mother was going somewhere with his sister and leaving him with his evil grandmother. The minute the car was out of site it was a big smile and "what shall we do now Nana?"

Can you give an example of the extreme behaviour, Flo?
Does the behaviour cause concern in all situations? If he only "misbehaves" at home then it could be a parenting issue.

The food issue is interesting I remember my DS had a friend when he was little whose diet was strictly restricted, if you asked him to tea you had to check with mum about what he was allowed to eat. Mum said when he ate certain things he 'climbed the walls'. Needless to say I didn't test this and stuck to the restrictions.

My youngest DGS was monstrous at 3 - naughty, defiant and rude. The naughty step was a joke to him. At 8, he can still be a bit stubborn and 'opinionated' but in all that time, he has never been in trouble at nursery or school where he turns into the model child and has great respect for rules. An enigma!

I agree with Faye regarding food. Small children can be affected by preservatives in a very marked way.

Sweets and squashes today don't just contain sugar, they have all sorts of chemicals in them. I have seen a my GD turn into a lunatic in less than 5 minutes after a treat, so now the family avoid things like that where possible.

Florence as you don't go into any detail here is what I try to do.
Most 2/3 yr olds test the boundaries. I find that a bored, hungry or tired child are always more difficult to handle.
Keeping them busy as they love to be involved and have items around which I change regularly to encourage independent play.
Regular meals, plenty of drinks and healthy snacks.

There is no such thing as 'unmanageable behavior' in a young child only inept parenting who have forgotten or won't use that little word NO. Children need walls which gives then guidelines and confidence to know what is acceptable and what is not. If the parent are to lazy or misguided to establish walls at a very early age then they let problems escalate to the point where they become 'unmanageable' Grandparent can and often do provide an important role and they to have the knowledge and wisdom when to say NO and when to give that big loving hug.

I feel sorry for post modern children, subjected as they are to assaults from food, environmental chemicals, lack of free play opportunities and constantly bombarded by media of one sort or another.

I think melt downs are normal. Kids are over stimulated a lot now, tired because of it, unable to be healthily bored.

I would be reluctant to seek any sort of guidance unless he is exceptionally wicked, it will stay on his record forever and he will be at the whim of professionals with far too much time on their hands and money to make.

Tire him out if you can games, sports, long walks let him find himself in a world beset by non stop stimulation of the wrong kind.

Oh and avoid Fruit shoot drinks they have our lot climbing the wall.