Asperger grandson not invited to party

Redf I do understand your feelings but I think you just have to let it go or it will eat you up.One so called friend of DGS now says. his mother says he is not to sit next to him at school . Is it catching ?? Sounds if the party is miss able anyway.Not much interaction there!

Xbox party sounds ghastly. I can't imagine anything worse than organising a party for 7 year old boys. I agree , perhaps your boy doesn't really enjoy parties and the hostess / mum figured it would be a complete nightmare without dealing with one who doesn't actually like parties anyway. Yes it would have been nice for her to explain this to you, and organised an alternative, but sounds like you don't have contact with her. I guess you have to play it down as no big deal to your boy and try not to show how upset you are. Do something together he really enjoys.

We have a friend (adult) who is (undiagnosed) aspergers.
Her only family are in Oz and she has no friends but doesn't seem affected by this state of affairs.
A group of us went to see the church panto that DH had done the scenery for, which she admired.
Once or twice during the performance when the audience was loudly inrpteracting with someone on stage she had her hands over her ears-didn't ask her again but she knows the rest of us go.
I also took her to the church cafe one evening when it was a lady's evening. She was very disturbed by the noise-again have told her about it and asked if she wants to go again but she doesn't.
However this is an adult not a child. I know she found life hard as a child so I really sympathise with this little boy.
I don't know what the answer is. . . . Could you talk to the other mum and politely ask why he is excluded? Does he have problems at school?
I agree with others to give him an alternative treat.

Red, the bit about the Xbox bus really hit me. I have a now adult grandson who was diagnosed as on the spectrum at about age 7. Like your grandson he is very bright and articulate, he has always been skilled at computer things and would have loved the xbox bus idea. He was never invited to a birthday party. I empathise with your hurt, angry feelings. As a family, we have had similar experiences and it makes you want to rage.
As others have advised, I'd say keep your counsel. The other mother has behaved badly, insensitively and unkindly and I fear nothing you can say will help that situation. Let's hope that it doesn't interfere with the friendship of the 4 boys when they're at school.
It's already been said but I agree, he needs a special outing/treat as some kind of distraction. People can be so selfish, can't they.

Like Greenfinch my 10-year old GS has ASD. He never gets invited to parties either. He used to get upset by this, but he's more philosophical about it now he's older.

Don't make waves, but do be there for your grandson and show him how loved and valued he is in his family. I'm sure you do anyway.

Thanks everyone for you time and help.
This is my first post on gransnet but I follow it. It was the first pace I thought of for advice.
I will speak to the mother but not yet as I'm still angry and it will come out wrong.
Thanks again

I am afraid this is not uncommon. My son (21 with Aspergers) was always left out of his friend's birthday parties, even though the boy in question invited him to play and came to play with him. It is very sad, but there is nothing you can do. Unfortunately this is a common experience for children with autism

As a teacher, I saw this happen frequently. It broke my heart to see children left out. On one occasion the whole class, apart from one child were invited. I was raging and upset for the child, but as a professional could say nothing when the child's mother came to me. On the other hand, many children with Aspergers do not like loud noise, some of our pupils wore ear defenders to block out noise in the classroom,so being at party was not the best environment for them. It upsets me to read about your grandson.

Would your grandson really 'not enjoy' the party? Would they be doing an activity that would be difficult for him? His friend's Mum may genuinely be concerned that he would feel out of place and not enjoy the arranged activities. I know my grandson would be stressed and upset at loud noises and all the strange faces, etc. You could try thanking the other Mum for being considerate and caring (and maybe call her bluff!)

GREENFINCH and others?
You say there is an ASD group a few miles away and with a waiting list.....
Thinking out loud here....
Could you discuss with the main driver of that group and help them start another group closer to your home?

I'm sorry that happened it must be very hurtful to feel excluded. It's difficult to know what is in other people's hearts and minds. It may be worth speaking with the Mum and hearing how she feels, if as you say they are close friends, it must be odd to everyone and she would be aware of that. Probably in her mind she is prioritising how she perceives her son will be happy on his Birthday and / or what she feels able to cope with. Hopefully there will be an opportunity for both boys to celebrate each other's birthdays together maybe on a trip just the two of them. The other issue to consider is how the other little boy feels. Sometimes a child will tell their parent what they need and want including not wanting someone to come over and the parent has to respect that even if they get the blame for appearing rude.

No don't keep quiet. Unto yourself be true.

Just deleted what I originally intended to post.....a quote from Alexander Pope

No don't keep quiet, speak your mind. Unto yourself be true

I don't think the mother should be questioned, a party invite isn't a right, perhaps the little friend didn't want the grandson to attend, I do understand the hurt and am so sorry you are distressed

My AS grown-up son had a best friend whom he met when said friend moved to new school in year 8 (an "adopted family member" for all of us) who for some reason always kept DS apart from his other circles of friends. At first he felt hurt and puzzled by this, but they grew ever closer, and when they grew up the time they spent together every other week-end was "us time" and more precious for that. The mother in your sad tale is the one in the wrong - yes, would suggest you treat the birthday boy and your GS to a 2-lad treat which both will enjoy more than a party.

A grandmother really should not be speaking to the mother planning the party. Caring for your GC is one thing but interfering in their social life is not on.

This made me cry because I remember all the occasions my daughter was not included in things. My son who is younger, used to say that she should not wait to be asked but just go along but she couldn't do it. He used to go to everything and was very popular but she struggled all her life. We lived in Holland at the time and there they are very direct and sometimes if she did ask she was told that they didn't want her. It is heartbreaking but now she is 38 and has learned many valuable lessons along the way. She is now very happy and comfortable in her own skin. I wonder looking back if I was more upset than she was as adults realise the implications.
You will get over this but I know you won't forget but I am sure you will make his day just as pleasurable and unfortunately there will be bigger hurdles to overcome.

You said that his mother would have been at the party ?Why is this? Would he not be happy to be left? Maybe this is what the Mum objected to?

Persistent. I think the problem in our case is that it is a charity and there are a lack of volunteers. I agree it would be lovely for him to have his own club as siblings generally go to the ones he is involved in now

I understand the hurt but it is the other child's birthday . Even if your dd was with him all the time it changes the dynamic of the party for the birthday child. I think if the mother had said we will have a special day for the two of them that would have been good but possibly a working mum has her work cut out for one party. If you have an asd child in your family you are used to and can cope with their behaviour. Not everyone can and it is better to acknowledge that rather than the mum pretend that she can manage.

This brings back so many sad memories of my youngest being excluded from some, thankfully not all, birthday parties. At the time I was very angry as other mothers had no problem with letting their children come to our parties (two a year as we also celebrated her 'Adoption Day') but there was nothing I could do. As she grew older and we needed to keep numbers reasonable and I struggled deciding which names to omit, I understood how easy it must have been to strike her name out. She did need things explaining two or even three times and she did need more attention than the other children.
What I wonder is did the birthday boy get a chance to list who he wanted to attend his party or was it his parents who just wanted to save themselves the extra effort? We always had a lovely day with an outing to make up for it and life went on.
Noŵ my girl is a wonderful mother with three parties to organise every year and reports to me the difficulties she has, working out with her children which friends to invite and which to leave out.

Perhaps at seven, he will understand if you explain to him that the party is likely to be very noisy, and he wouldn't enjoy it. And then get him and the birthday boy together for their own little extra birthday tea a few days later.

It must have been a hard decision for the other child's mum to make.

I think you're being very unkind to the mum of the other child, frankly.
I have a 3 yr DGS and I also have my own DS who is 7.
Party mum has explained it's about numbers so I think you should accept that explanation.
If you complain to her, it will make you look ridiculous and over invested.
I took my DS to the cinema, the park and then a cafe for his birthday and he invited 3 of his friends. We had previously hosted parties for all the boys in the class but decided not to this year. It just gets too expensive.
If I had a granny complain that her GS hadn't been invited to the cinema trip, I'd think she was being rather cheeky.

What an unfeeling bitch!

It seems that so many of us have DGC with ASD and worry so much about the loneliness. There should be more clubs available for the children or some way of getting them involved with others.

Personally I never wanted to go to parties. I hate groups of people and always wanted quiet fun with one or two friends and not a crowd. I feel so sad for the children who do want to go but don't get asked.

redf I can well understand how angry and upset you are but getting angry with the other child's mother may well affect your DGS relationship with that boy and his other friends which is more important.