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I'm going under....

(45 Posts)
Flowerofthewest Thu 13-Oct-16 23:46:46

I feel really guilty feeling so down. I should be on top of the world. I've survived cancer..5 years DH has survived a cardiac arrest and prostate cancer.
The thing is I don't think my next scan is for 5 years although I'm still going to have cystocopies. My DH is well except for aches and pains. He dreams every night thrashing about, catching frogs and mice. Fighting the odd tiger or shouting at boys on motorbikes. He sometimes wanders in the night looking for items. This disturbs my sleep which causes me to be exhausted in the mornings. He always brings me a cup of tea in bed and can never remember his night time antics. I love him dearly and he is the most wonderful husband and grandpa.
.I have gained weight and feel too tired and unmotivated to exercise. I like walking but injured my knee about 6 weeks ago and it's only just better.

My mother is driving me nuts. She has AMD and her eyesight is terrible. She is in denial and won't take any advice from the specialists at the eye clinic. She is quite able otherwise, walking a mile into town every day. She used to meet friends for coffee but they have either died or are too infirm to come to town. She is 92 in December. Her home is not very clean but she won't let me help her. It's because she can't see.

Sorry too witter on. I feel a little better getting this off my chest.

I'm 68 and sometimes feel that I should be taking it easy.

My cat has acne and fleas. I can't catch him to treat him. I feel I'm going bonkers sometimes.

I'm going to the beach hut for a few days next week but am already worrying that DH will sleep walk and end up goodness knows where.


dramatictessa Thu 13-Oct-16 23:49:03

Too late for any advice but here's someflowersbrewwine andcupcakecupcake. Hope you both sleep well tonight.

phoenix Fri 14-Oct-16 00:22:14

Oh Flower, if I had a magic wand I would wave it your way. You have a lot to deal with, tackle what you can, try to get some help with other stuff, I.e. the cat (can neighbour he?P to catch him?) and lock the door and put the keys under your pillow so that dh can't go walkabout.

With regard to the state of your mum's house, if it's less than pristine, but she won't let you do anything to improve it, let it go. You have offered,she has refused, frustrating for you, but her home, her choice.

Try not to beat yourself up!

Maggiemaybe Fri 14-Oct-16 00:36:02

Flower, be kind to yourself. You're being torn every which way at the moment and it must be so difficult. I agree with you, at our age we should be able to think about taking it easy, but life usually has other plans! Don't try to do too much, rest when you can, witter all you like, and be sure that us on Gransnet are rooting for you.

And, oh, how I envy you your beach hut!!! grin

chelseababy Fri 14-Oct-16 05:51:23

There was a phone in early this morning 're sleep problems. It said people who act out their dreams in their sleep and could be a danger to self or others, need help. Please get husband to see GP for referral to sleep clinic. (It was on 5 live about 3am if you want to listen to it) Hope things improve soon.

cornergran Fri 14-Oct-16 07:16:34

Oh dear flower, heck of a lot to cope with and a lot you have coped with. Phoenix is right, you can't do more for your Mum. She is making her own decisions and all you can do is offer, up to her to accept, or not. You sound to be so concerned about others you have overlooked yourself. You don't mention family, is there anyone who could help with the cat? Would your husband see the GP about his nocturnal behaviour? Does he know how worried you are? Could he take responsibility for his own safety while you are away? Sleep is so important. Wish there was an easy answer. Maybe see your GP yourself, enjoy your beach hut and witter away when it helps. It's important not to bottle it all up. Hope it gets better very soon.

kittylester Fri 14-Oct-16 07:21:23

flower, I can understand why you feel as though you are going under, you have such a lot going on. Have you talked to your gp? If you talk to him/her openly you might find lots of help there. It sounds as though your husband might need some sort of intervention which will help you.

Everything seems so much worse when you are tired and a stay in your beach Hut should give you some time for reflection.

I'm glad you talked to us!

janeainsworth Fri 14-Oct-16 07:29:41

Flower I thought I hadn't 'seen' you for a while & I'm sorry you're feeling so low.
Perhaps it's a bit of a reaction to all you've been through?
I think you should try to do one thing each day for yourself that would make you feel better in some way. Going to the beach hut is a good start, but just a little thing each day that you can do without feeling guilty or anxious, like a nice soak in the bath, an hour curled up with a good book or whatever you enjoy, would perhaps help to break the mindset you have got into.
I can't advise about your cat, but I presume your mother knows there is treatment for her AMD.
As regards her house, if you are fit enough to clean it yourself, I would just go in and do it. Sometimes you have to be firm with very old people. You may find it makes you feel better too!

Anya Fri 14-Oct-16 07:36:34

You poor thing. Firstly I'm glad your knee is on the mend, that must be one less thing to worry about, but take it easy and don't rush it.

I find this helps.

Set yourself small achievable targets, just one per day. Start with the cat. Get it caught and treated. Tick that off your list.
Get your DH a GP appointment. Stand firm and get him seen and treated. Tick that off your list.
Arrange to meet your mum for a coffee in town. Don't try to get her treated just have a nice chat.
While you're in town treat yourself to something for your beach hug trip then go and let the world turn without you flowers

gillybob Fri 14-Oct-16 07:39:37

Flower I think a lot of us simmer for a while and then it just takes one or two little things to make you boil over . You have clearly been through a great deal with your own and your DH's ill health and you probably feel drained. Added to that you are having your sleep disturbed almost every night which means it will be hard for you to concentrate on anything during the day. I know I feel rotten the next day when I don't get my sleep. Could DH be persuaded to see his GP ?

It is so easy to gain weight when you lose your motivation. I wonder if you will be able to start walking again now that your knee is getting better. I know we are coming into the autumn and winter which is not ideal but maybe you could get well wrapped up and start slowly. Reward yourself with a nice treat. Would DH walk with you? It's nicer when you have a walking partner. I am quite fortunate to live very close to the sea and walk on the beach all year round, mostly on my own, but sometimes with my sisters little dog which is great fun. I am sure you will enjoy your time at the beach. There is something about the sound of the sea that gives me a peaceful, easy feeling (to quote the Eagles) .

I totally sympathise about your mother, towards the end my gran drove me nuts too. She was very demanding and looking after her was like having a second full time job. Like your mother my gran's friends had almost all gone and the one or two that were still alive were either housebound or suffered from dementia . Unlike your mum though my gran relished "hospital days" and visits to and from the doctor. They were like outings and at her very advanced age she was often treat like royalty and even developed the "royal wave" .

I don't agree with taking it easy. Taking it easy is fine if you need to, but I firmly believe in doing as much as you can, while you can. Relaxation is another matter though and we all need to learn to chill .

I do hope you find a way to relax and get motivated too. If that is possible. Are relaxation and motivation opposites?

As other have said. A good witter does you the world of good. Wishing you lots of sunshine

Jane10 Fri 14-Oct-16 07:52:34

Oh dear. You poor thing. I can't help thinking that it might all feel more manageable after a really good nights sleep. Its good that you're going to have a little break. Enjoy it and breathe. The problems won't necessarily go away but you might be able to see them differently and be able to tackle them-baby steps though. Don't overload yourself too much too soon. Good luck.

thatbags Fri 14-Oct-16 08:40:02

Do you have a spare bedroom, somewhere where your sleep would be less disturbed?

Might be worth mentioning the night-time disturbances to the GP.

Luckygirl Fri 14-Oct-16 09:05:45

Have to rush off now, but do take OH to doc about sleep issues. What you are describing is a symptom of Parkinsons Disease - OH has this so I know about it! My nights are a bit like that!

Charleygirl Fri 14-Oct-16 09:22:49

I agree with others, your DH should see his GP.

Cats do not develop acne to my knowledge but what I think he has has been caused by his fleas. My cat has a very minor version because she is never here to have her ant flea treatment given regularly. My vet has suggested that I apply the anti flea stuff 3 weekly as opposed to monthly.

Re your mother- there is no cure for dry AMD but there is for wet but it has to be treated asap to attempt to arrest the development of the condition.

Dry AMD can change to wet overnight, one must be on the lookout but that is difficult if she is in denial.

I go to my local AMD society each month and we have talks from various people covering many subjects. We have a cup of tea or coffee and spend time talking with like minded people. I have made friends there and there is no reason why your mother could not do that either as there will be a society reasonably close to her I would have thought. You would be welcome also. Some venues are free, we charge £2 per person because we have to hire the British Legion hall.

I organise our Christmas lunch in a nearby restaurant and when money is available we have outings which are suitable for us.

Re cleaning- maybe do a little each time you visit or as somebody suggested, just go and clean the place!

rosesarered Fri 14-Oct-16 09:29:36

Hello Flower I too wondered where you had got to.So sorry to hear of all your problems of the last year, they just pile up on us sometimes don't they?💐
Lots of good and kind advice on here for you so can't really add anything, except to say come on Gransnet whenever you can to unload, we all sympathise.

Lona Fri 14-Oct-16 09:31:42

Flower Some good advice on here, I think you'll feel more able to cope after an undisturbed night, I hope so.
I would definitely see the GP about your dh. flowers

Flowerofthewest Fri 14-Oct-16 09:33:20

Pippin does have cat acne. He's a very timid cat. It's under his chin. I have the treatment but haven't managed to apply it as he is so anxious. I have three cats. He and his brother came to us a year ago. Brother bold Pippin not.

I've offered to go along with mum to AMD groups but she point blank refuses.

Flowerofthewest Fri 14-Oct-16 09:37:01

Plan for today....catch cat. DH making appointment with GP....gardening. Thank you for all of your kind words and advice.

Teetime Fri 14-Oct-16 09:39:49

Poor you flower it sounds to me as though you have got thoroughly exhausted and a spell away from it all should be just the thing.Hope things improve soon. flowers

annodomini Fri 14-Oct-16 10:15:00

flower, it's good to see you back on line and good that you are able to unload on us. Haven't you had a rough time recently, as has your husband. I agree that his nocturnal activities warrant a visit to your GP. There must be a reason behind these disturbances. Your little break in the beach hut (how I envy you!) will give you a chance to see everything in perspective or alternatively take your mind off all your issues. Hope you managed to catch the cat and get him treated. Poor thing must be uncomfortable too. Do keep in touch and let us help you to bear the burdens. flowers

KatyK Fri 14-Oct-16 10:19:13

flower flowers How I sympathise. You have a lot on your plate. Without jumping on the bandwagon, I feel the same much
of the time. I sometimes think to myself 'how much can one person take'. I think going to the beach will do you good.

Jalima Fri 14-Oct-16 11:55:43

Sometimes troubles seem to come along on top of one another and it all gets too much.
I agree that your DH needs to see the GP about his nocturnal terrors and wanderings. It could be a symptom of something else, or it could just be that he is anxious. I used to sleep walk but I don't think I do any more and my DC have had night terrors when they are worried about things - none of us remember!

You could try to persuade your DM to take the advice of the eye specialists, but as for cleaning etc, I wouldn't get too wound up about it, you can only do your best to make sure it is not too unhygienic.

Can your DH help you catch the cat and hold him while you treat him? Can he be tempted by something?

Best wishes, don't get too stressed - stress is not good for you! flowers

KatyK Fri 14-Oct-16 12:06:49

Can I just say something you probably already know? My DH has had prostate cancer and has recently been told he is in remission. We too shuld be over the moon (and we are very grateful) but he is a different man now. His confidence has totally gone. He never once complained or said 'why me' he just got on with the (sometimes gruelling) treatment. It is only now that he seems unable to cope with the smallest thing. He is jumpy and sometimes looks like a rabbit caught in the headlights over the smallest thing. During treatment, we were told that a great percentage of patients who come through cancer suffer with loss of confidence or even depression. I was just thinking re your DH's restless nights flower that even though he is not consciously feeling low, maybe it has affected him in this way. Sorry to sound like a therapist!

Jalima Fri 14-Oct-16 12:16:14

I agree KatyK; he is probably coping in the day time - he is the most wonderful husband and grandpa which is wonderful, but perhaps all his fears and worries are coming out from his sub-conscious at night.
Sorry, I'm not a therapist either, and it is just a theory.

KatyK Fri 14-Oct-16 12:21:58

I agree Jalima It has to come out somewhere I think.