Am I being unreasonable

We will all soon be accused of being unhelpful!

I don't believe I have said that any of you have been unhelpful.
I posted to ask for opinions. I'm not here to attack anyone who has taken the time to respond to my post. My situation is what it is and sometimes we all need a reality check from people who are not emotionally involved. And yes it may be difficult to hear but that is why I posted.

Well perhaps we are.

I can see much better where the OP is coming from. I know what it's like to hold down a full time job, juggle the children and do all the cooking and housework. There does need to be a fairer division of labour.

I suppose it depends very much on MiL. Is she going to add to the stresses in this relationship or ease them. Will be be willing, or able, to help with childcare, cook, iron? Available to babysit and let this couple get out occasionally to work in their relationship or will she be an added burden.

Much rests on that.

I think Ataloss is genuine but struggling with a relationship that's fraught with problems from her point of view. I think you need a bit more time to have some fun. Clearly your man us good at managing - did he prepare the meals in advance at your request or was that his idea? If counselling hasn't helped maybe you could agree between you on a way forward. I'm sure you recognise his good points and yes, it's hard work running a home while working full time. If the granny is fit could she help at all? Try to work out a way of compromising with chores, some free time for you, a better understanding of each other. Perfume is something men often give women and you have to accept that as a male his hardwiring is such that he would probably find it difficult to be more imaginative, or maybe he is just afraid of your criticism.
One thing I feel worried about is the mother in law. Really don't feel she should make the huge step of selling up to live with you both until you are are in a better place (figuratively speaking). I do wish you well.

Ataloss, you sound to have been a bit at the end of your tether, tiredness does make us unreasonable at times, so don't give yourself too hard a time. There has been lots of good advice here and little I can add other than questions to better understand. I am wondering about your relative ages and the age of your mother in law, is there a reason for your husband to think his mother will need care in the near future? Is there a large age gap between you and your husband? Those things could also impact on your husband's reactions to things and impact his communication style, I also wonder if your current home was chosen by you both or belonged to one of you before your marraige. I'm sorry, lots of questions and you may not choose to share the answers, which is fine. I do hope you can find a way through this and have less sense of pressure in the future.

MIL does help out with pickup 3 times a week. But I wouldn't feel comfortable with her doing chores for me (us).
I have tried to talk to my husband to suggest that we need to make the house about us, me and him. With a fair (not necessarily equal) division of labour/effort.
And while the house would be MIL's home, it is our house.
I guess some of the resentment that some have picked up on is also to do with finances. Which is another story but essentially we each pay the same amount of money into a joint account - he earns twice as much as me and I do most of the home stuff.
So yes I was hoping for something other than perfume. But I can also understand (from reading your responses) that perfume is a gift that men get. And clearly with hindsight what I should have done if I had certain expectations, was to communicate this to him.
Thank you.

We are close in age - late 40s. MIL's mother died recently in her 90s having lived on her own quite independently until the last couple of years when she needed more and more care. My husband doesn't want his mother to go through this. And of course this is admirable.
We're living in a rented house at the moment and have found a house to buy which will accommodate us all. MIL is keen to sell because she doesn't want the burden of looking after her own house anymore. They are a very close family. Nothing wrong with this.
My family live abroad and my parents are dead. But even when they were alive we were not living in each others pockets

I shall assume for the moment that this is a genuine cry for help, and not a possible wind-up for the "agony aunts" (there are a few bored twerps out there who find it amusing to ask for advice on invented personal relationships. I believe professional advice columnists get them too.)

There is more to communication than just saying what you think, when you think it. We communicate in actions as well as words. There is reading the other person and responding to what they are doing as well as their saying.

There is recognising the unspoken communication of doing all that while you were away. There is reading into his gift what was behind it - that he wanted you to have something a bit luxurious and thought of perfume. That was him communications in action, not words, and how did you reply? OK, he may not have chosen the right smell, but how is a gift of perfume not a "good" gift?

How is ANY gift a bad thing? and surely greeting it with "That was a bad gift" is BAD communication, which is not at all the same thing as GOOD communication.

You had a nice break, and are now back to the nitty gritty - a bit of an anticlimax. Now you and he have to create a way of living that works, without any resentments. You will have to talk to one another, won't you? - really communicate, both ways, talking and listening, doing and observing what is done, appreciating one another's efforts and adjusting your own attitudes.

Welcome to the real world, where marriages are not made in heaven, but by husbands and wives.

Oh, and when and if MiL comes to share your home, make sure that she has a comfortable place to retire to when you and he have a set-to. Bad enough her feeling unwanted in her old age without sitting by while you and her son argue over who is most hard-done-by.

Blimey - this poor chap has done the ironing and made some meals for the week and given you a bottle of perfume - what the hell else do you want him to do??!! I would get down on my knees and lick my OH's feet if he did ANY of those things! Are you sure you are old enough to be a wife and mother? Are you for real!?

Communication will be vital if you are both to share a home with another adult, no matter the relationship, and not be plagued by irritations. I am really hoping that your new home is big enough for your mother in law to have her own home within it, and not just have a bedroom to call her own. Personal space sounds very important to you, maybe less so for your husband and his mother, these things need to be discussed (not argued about) before your move. Its never easy to see things from another person's persepctive, but if you all can it will make things so much less difficult. If you can't manage this together maybe seek professional input, it isn't fair to any of you to go into this without a clear understanding of each others needs.

Money isn't everything! But it does cause a lot of domestic friction.

It may be that your financial arrangements need to be changed. It is all very well contributing an equal amount into a kitty, but while one of you contributes more of your "spare" time and energy than the other on the chores, then all is NOT equal. Did he promise at the wedding "With all my wordly goods I thee endow" ? Or just "I will put as much into the household kitty as you can manage from whatever you can earn, but no more, and I shall expect you to look after me as though you are at home all day"?

It is as though your financial contribution is not enough, so you must make up for it by working free in the home. That would be OK if you didn't work at all but could stay at home and have all day for household stuff, but not if you are working full time.

If he earns twice as much as you, but you put an equal amount into the kitty, what does he do with all the rest? If he has no time to do any household stuff, then he could pay for a cleaner out of it to do his share?

I find it interesting that you have had counselling, but did not find the counsellers any help. Could it be that you are both so entrenched in your own view of what you want that neither of you could give an inch to accommodate the other? If so, I don't hold out much hope for harmony in the future, particularly with a third adult in the house.

You probably won't find any of the advice on here any use either, in that case.

I'd just like to add that I NEVER went away with a girl friend - just for me - when I had young children and I suspect that lots of us didn't.

That's rather like saying the OP was wrong to take a break. Surely you didn't mean that kitty?

Elegran sadly not all counsellors are good at their job.

Not all those getting counselling are good at examining themselves and their relationships, either, even under guidance. Friends went for counselling for friction which everyone who knew them were aware that the roots were in their each being completely intractable in their conviction that they were in the right on all aspects, (money, child-raising, housework and house decoration, food, clothes, you name it) They emerged from it unaltered and are now divorced.

I'm feeling a bit more sympathetic now Ataloss . The problem seems to be more around sharing a home with your mother in law which can be fraught. I understand you do not have close family and that makes it difficult to accept your husband's closeness to his Mum. I have not had close family either apart from my children and I do find it hard to relate to others . You need to discuss the whole situation with your husband and be honest about how you feel. It will be so much worse if mother in law moves in and things go wrong.
I had short breaks away from husband and children occasionally and it was good !

Sounds like the OP is just tired and stressed.It's hard work holding down a job and being a home maker and doing all the childcare. Have a conversation with your DH and try and work things out.Sometimes men need to be told () what to buy as a present.Good luck.?

Your husband was trying really hard. You threw it all back in his face telling him his gift was the wrong sort of gift. Were you looking to communicate better or really trying to provoke??? Definitely not a situation to bring a m in l into, certainly won't make things any better.

Very strange. So the husband does housework while she's away "relaxing", and he buys her perfume for her birthday. To me he sounds lovely. I think the OP is a piece of work. Sounds like she's spoiled rotten and nothing would please her.

5 languages of love. Try it both ways.

The only pressies I seem to get from mine are ones you can plug in, so perfume would make a change. Obviously the gift haste been the real problem.

I know women who have had a fish slice for Christmas!

It is your relationship make it better yourself. Counselling is rarely the answer.

Appreciate everything he does and he may learn to do the same for you. He sounds OK if he wants to look after his mum, he has some domestic skills and you obviously felt love for him and maybe still do. What did you think life would be like?

I can assure you that many women work in challenging roles and do all the housework, it was ever thus, but then men often do the car type of things / decorating l mow the lawn / clean the windows....is your relationship about keeping score? If you have a demanding job maybe get a cleaner in just a couple of hours week.

Life is basically slog, slog with perfume is a bonus....

Atalosss123, I wish my DH would buy me perfume. I might be lucky if I get some carnations! My DH never cooks, doesn't clean, I am a full time cook and cleaner and I am almost 68! Got it wrong in the 'good old' days when he was the breadwinner and I was at home with our children.
He does do the washing and ironing now after I told him I couldn't do everything.
It sounds to me as though you have a good one there and you are not appreciating the things he does. Make your mind up, nobody is perfect, do you love him? (confused)

Ataloss123 i really dont think this has anything to do with the perfume and more to do with your lack of choice in a huge matter i.e his mother, you say you have worked hard to buy your house and i wonder if you feel that its not YOUR house anymore. Time you were honest with this man, no matter how DYNAMIC any counselling is it wont work without Honesty. You need to put this move on hold TODAT and sort this before you create any more mess between you. If he cant or wont listen to your concerns and thoughts you may need time apart. Think of your poor child, a unhappy atmosphere at home is awful for a child and your MIL moving in would make it a hundred times worse. Are You going to allow this ? Sounds to me you are both very unhappy.