Am I being unreasonable

I missed your post about your OH earning twice as much as you and you pay half towards the bills and do most of the housework and childcare. I think I would have expected more than a bottle of perfume, he does not appreciate all that you do. You really do need to have discussions about where your marriage is heading. Don't let him push you towards buying a house and moving his mother in. You could end up twice as unhappy as you are now and it will cost you a lot more to get out of this marriage if you tie yourself to a house under these circumstances. Good luck

Ataloss I agree your OH is not doing his share of housework and childcare. I am surprised to see so many of the Women's Liberation generation tell you he was marvellous to help you out with housework and childcare, while you had one night away. You both work and the child is both yours, time for him to step up and pull his weight. I think it's time you had a mediator or counselling if you can't have a discussion without him sulking and storming off.

You are both adults in your marriage and he shouldn't be the one deciding on his own that his mother is going to live with you and possibly fund buying your new home. You really need to have equal say in this. Don't buy a home until you sort yourselves out and are able to have discussions. If his mother moves in he won't do anything around the house, your child will learn women are the domestics and men don't have to do their share.

The majority of us during our lives have received gifts we didn't like and acted as though it was lovely. I once dropped kicked a plastic spaghetti container out my door. I didn't tell my OH I didn't like it, but who gives their wife a plastic spaghetti container for their birthday.

Is there anything you do share? Musical tastes? Sense of humour? Books? Do you even like each other? If you can't say 'yes' to any of these or have common ground on anything else, perhaps you would both be happier apart.

It's a pity that you don't communicate well, it probably means that one or both of you are insecure about the relationship. As a start perhaps you could work on finding things to praise about him, tell him what you love about him, thank him for things he does, once a week at least, but it must be sincere. At other times, try suggesting that you share some of the housework - either do it together or do it alternate weekends. After all he managed when you went away - he didn't have to make meals for the week, maybe he enjoys cooking? . Could you suggest that he 'takes over' alternate weekends or at least once a month, to give you a break, and/or cooks a meal every so often? Start small and build up.

ataloss, my DH used to go out of his way to buy me a certain kind of chocolates he thought I liked. I didn't like them and found them difficult to eat but because I loved him, I ate them for years (fortunately the shop that sold them closed ). He bought them because he loved me, I ate them because I love him. If you want to communicate better, do it at some other time not when he gives you your birthday present. Good luck with your relationship. For your child's sake I hope you work it out.

Don't you dare tell him you're sorry!

Tell him you are sorry.
Tell him you were tired/stressed from work/feeling down.
Say you need to sit down and decide who does what because you are finding it hard to cope with a baby as well.
Tell him you love him.
Say you appreciate what he did ie ironing, cooking, buying your present.
Thank him for being a brilliant husband.

Then enjoy the making up! Peace perfect peace.

I would be overjoyed if my OH bought me a bottle of perfume! Think yourself a lucky girl. He wanted to buy you something you obviously like. Nice man!

He cooked for when you came back, he did the ironing! What's not to like? At least he is trying to please unlike some husbands who think it is the woman who should do the housework and the man who lifts up his feet so as not to get in the way of the vacuum cleaner. No wonder he stormed out. He must have been very hurt I think. Give him some slack and start talking (not yelling) more.

I think the way to get someone to do chores is to tell them how well they have done them. I do not mean husbands I mean anyone, children included.

As for MIL moving in with you, are you sure you want that? If she is his Mother it will be very awkward for her when you argue. She will have to retreat to her own room and try not to take sides.

Try saying 'SORRY'! It might make a difference. That seems to be a forgotten word nowadays.

Ataloss I think you can take it from what is on here that, as has been said before, one size does not fit all and you have to work it out as a couple/family.
In an ideal world you will both get to the point where you both see it as our marriage, our child, our money in our accounts, our responsibility to do the chores and we have an equal say in everything.
We do not live in an ideal world and have to learn how to deal with that and we all do that every day. For example, if you feel that you are doing too much then you discuss it, without recriminations, in a way that works out how you can both deal with that - as in getting a cleaner perhaps .... etc, etc. If I had a thought like that I usually told DH and asked him what his thoughts on it were and that made it a discussion point much more easily.
I wonder if you are able to talk to MIL about " life, the universe and everything" as that can be very helpful. She could be your best friend in trying to make the best of your marriage with her son. My own MIL was one of my two best confidantes. She would listen but never criticised and I had to listen hard to 'hear' the advice as it was never overt. Lovely lady! I miss her as much as I miss my own DM.
I wish you well, you sound a lovely, caring and thoughtful person.

Everyone being harsh? Have you read all the replies? There are a lot of supportive answers and a lot of backup for being stronger and more pro-active in the relationship. I wouldn't call that everyone being harsh.

Hang on a minute. I think everyone is being harsh with the OP. If she always wears that perfume and he damn well knows it then no, not a lot of thought was put into the purchase.

Also, OP you do sound like you do most of the work most of the time, hence your build up of resentment, I'd be the same.

Why should you want his mother to live with you? Do you have a good relationship with her? This is a huge thing to accommodate.

Is she selling so you can buy though? If so, would she have a granny flat or be in with you?

ATALOSS. ...awkward sharing with MIL unless a discussion takes place regarding boundaries etc.
As she's his Mom there may well be difficulties to be faced.
But maybe you love and like her and so it'll be fine. She may help with baby minding chores etc ?

Anyway, I wish you well.

I think people were saying that women end up with it if they let it, not that it is automatically a woman's lot (as though it is inevitable and you shouldn't object) They seem to me to be saying DO object. If your husband's mother didn't work and did everything that needed to be done in the house, then that is what he will have accepted as "normal" but that doesn't mean that you have to let him continue to think that.

He did everything while you are away, so he can do it, and he now knows what it entailed so he can't still think that the fairies do it all. Talk about it and share out the responsibilities. Don't do it as a complaint or a plea or a fight, but as organising it all between you as equals. Then do your share but NOT HIS. He may need to see the result of it not being done before he remembers to do it.

Ataloss how are the pair of you at communicating with other people? Is it that you don't get on, or do you have problems dealing with others as well?

Some people really can't do it. My DH is nearly impossible to talk to at times but it's only since we've had an autistic grandson that I've realised that his brain just doesn't work like mine.

You say you don't go out as a couple - if MIL comes to live with you could this be an opportunity to have a live-in baby-sitter (without taking advantage of her too often) and the two of you could go out for some romantic evenings together.

He bought you perfume? I think that's personal but I suppose it depends if you wear perfume or not. If he did all the ironing I'm surprised he didn't buy a nice new iron as a present. Or a set of saucepans.

You had a night away with a girlfriend? And you have a young family? I think that's wonderful. Lucky you, I can't remember ever doing that.

I am wondering if you have underlying concerns about your MIL coming to live with you and picking an argument over something small like perfume was an outlet for your frustrations?

You need to talk and discuss things without it descending into an argument.

Hello Ataloss and well done you for thinking through the situation you were in and trying to get another perspective on it.

As you can no doubt discern from the range of responses already given, there is no 'one size fits all' when it comes to relationships, each one is unique and we all muddle through in our own way.

I hear your resentment at juggling the household when both you and your husband work and it seems to me that there is room for a direct discussion about this. One obvious (to me) resolution is to suggest to your husband that as he doesn't currently share the chores he might like to consider doing so or perhaps pay for additional help in the home.

It seems there is a great deal of talking and listening both you and your husband need to do in order for there to be a change in your circumstances. If counselling hasn't helped then I suggest you try something different until you can agree on what you both find helpful:
www.careforthefamily.org.uk/family-life/marriage-support

Ataloss you have said your MIL is a lovely lady.
But you have not said if you
NOT your Husband) are in fact happy to share a home with your MIL
You also said that your DH has said that either way (you move in with MIL or you buy new home that will accommodate your MIL
So he is not asking you
He is telling you how its going to be.
If this is the case then I'm afraid he is putting his DM before his family
And you ANBU

Is it that You are cross with your DH and just using the perfume as an excuse.?

What does he buy his DM for her birthday?

Elegran,
These are not my thoughts but what some of the people responding have said. I believe that some were saying this is a woman's lot. I have tried to tell my husband that I am struggling with the amount I do.

Synonymous

I haven't said much about my child because they are not part of my aggrievements.our child is a funny, charming and thriving child. When I say child care I mean caring for our child. Our child will come to find me even though my husband is in the same room because mummy is the one who more often than not sorts him out.
We go out as a family unit but rarely as a couple.
I know I need to apologise big time. He is out tonight so I haven't seen him yet today.

You say "While I do respect all opinions given, I do struggle with the thought that because I am a woman I do an unequal share of chores and this is how it must be because this is the life of women everywhere." but that is NOT how it must be. Share and share alike, the work of the house as well as the use of it. Your two incomes are "our income" and your home is "our home" When you both come home from work, you each do half the work.

Sorry Ataloss x posts!

Ataloss you are in quite a muddle aren't you because it has all become very tangled up. Do forgive the long post but there is an enormous amount in your post.

I am interested in your communications. You say you always argue so do you only communicate when you want to argue or pick holes in something or other? On the other hand do you communicate when you want to tell him how good he is looking today, how well he has done something, how much you appreciate him just being there, what a good dad he is to your child etc. etc. Communication is not a tool for criticism alone and is better when used to build up and bolster rather than knock down and destroy.

You say that as you don't communicate well then you don't get on and shouldn't be together. I am sorry to say this but that is just back to front illogicality, plain laziness or just muddled thinking! Take your pick! No one has ever found marriage to be easy or that it is not something you have to work on. So turn that around and just think about what you said and look with me at the opposite for a moment. You could have said that if you communicated better you would get on better and would clearly see that you belong together!
There was clearly something that brought you together in the first place and then the two of you also made a baby together which does change everything for you both. We haven't heard much about the little one in all this and that interests me too because you are not just a wife now you are also a mother. You are also a DIL but we haven't heard about your MIL either. Do you get on together?

Your husband needs help to know what you would like for a present and you can do this in a number of ways ranging from 'the subtle' to the 'dropping a brick on his foot' method. Men are not mind readers! You need to be gracious when he has had to do his best because you have failed to help him know what you want and resolve to do better for the next time!
You say that you do nearly all the cooking, childcare etc. so clearly he does some of those things too which is good. He did quite a lot of good and nice things when you were away and sadly you blew them all away. You need to apologise big time.

Your finances interest me too. DH and I have always had joint accounts and all money is paid into the joint current account, bills are paid from that, savings transferred into a joint savings account and we have discussions on holidays, purchases and other spending. We find it easier to talk about OUR money and OUR plans and that prevents resentments building up. We always earned differing amounts but we always ignored that and we put our all into our marriage and shared everything. It works.
You are married and therefore not a single any more so it is not surprising you don't have time to yourself and in any case you should be working on your new identity as half of a pair and a parent. So when did you last go off for a romantic weekend with your husband, have an evening out, go to the theatre or just for a walk together? Do you go out as a family unit at all?

You say that you do all the child care and yet you work full time so I find that puzzling. Anyway if you don't need to go out to work for financial reasons then think about your feelings about this area of your life. It often pulls a mum in different directions to her natural feelings and even costs money to go out to work, often in unexpected ways, funnily enough

It seems to me that the possibility of buying your own house is changing the dynamics too and then the addition of MIL into the household alters everything yet again. Why do you think this is? Get a piece of paper and write down your thoughts on the whole scenario. I think you will find it most revealing and you may well get to know the real you. If you can communicate to your husband what you find out about yourself without causing a row then you are definitely on to something!
You could try asking him questions lovingly and listening to the answers from him without your added criticism would help you to understand him too.
Will be interested to hear how things go.

Thank you to all.
Clearly the consensus is that I was very unreasonable. I accept that.
While I do respect all opinions given, I do struggle with the thought that because I am a woman I do an unequal share of chores and this is how it must be because this is the life of women everywhere. And no he doesn't do gardening or DIY.
MIL would have her own sitting room and bathroom in the house should we all move in together. I will say again as perhaps it wasn't clear that it is not me asking MIL to live with us, it is my husband's wish that she does. I have no problem with MIL, she is a lovely woman.
Thank you again to all.

i think we have to decide what we want from a relationship. Some women want a very close thing, where you are 'living in each others' pockets' - as my mum would have said. I would hate to be in that sort of a relationship - I need to have some space and be able to do things on my own Of course marriage is about 'give and take', so we all have to find a way of getting along together, valuing each other and ourselves. I don't really know if the OP knows what she wants out of this relationship, nor how well she knows herself. So, I would suggest it's time for a good, long think and then take up some of the many excellent suggestions that GNers have already posted.

Until things are better I would suggest putting buying a house on hold for the time being. And under no circumstance have your MIL move in with you. It will not work.

Keep it simple on the financial front - if you part whilst renting and without MIL living under your roof it will be easier.

If you, your husband and MIL all have a share of the house you would be heading for a more complicated and expensive divorce procedure.

Have you thought of one of you moving out temporarily to give each other breathing (and thinking) space? You thought enough of this man to marry him. If you can't fix it move on!