Am I being unreasonable

Ataloss - I think there is general agreement here! Go give that man a hug!!

The years with a job and young children are sticky ones for everyone - we have all been there. This too will pass.

You say you are both late forties with a young child. I think having your MIL live with you could potentially be quite difficult especially if you have problems in your own relationship. Could you buy a house with a granny annexe so your MIL has some independence.?

I can't understand this. You husband is making a huge effort and did something nice for you and then bought you perfume for your birthday . That is lovely even if it wasn't to your liking . To be frank I am not surprised he stormed off. I bet he was thinking " What more can I do?" I think perfume is a lovely gift . He actually went pout and choose it for you.

My 1st husband was a postman. He didn't buy me a Christmas present because he"forgot" it was Christmas! Guess what happened to that marriage.
My 2nd husband (39yrs of marriage) always asks me what I want. Some years ago I said perfume. He asked which kind and I told him 'Paris.' I explained that a previous boyfriend had always bought it for me. My hubby didn't mind at all and since then I have always received 'Paris' with something else.

Ataloss123 - It sounds to me that lots of things are causing problems for you. I can empathise with you both. I have always had 'breaks away' with girl friends and like your husband, my husband always makes more effort when I return home. It doesn't last long but it is nice at the time.
If I was you, I would try putting all of your niggles in a list and then work through them in some kind of priority and one at a time, asking yourself what YOU can do to improve things.
After all it is more difficult to change others than it is to change your own attitude and behavour. eg Tell him what you would like rather than grumble about it when he gets it wrong.
I hope this is helpful to your both.

As for your MiL living with you, without knowing your family, I couldn't possibly comment.

Given the state of things between you I would not contemplate your OH's mother moving in with you. It is totally unreasonable to expect it given that the fact that you do 90% of the chores and caring it's unlikely he would be catering for her needs. She will also take his side and get between you.

Insist she finds alternative accommodation and then see if you can patch things up. You both have to want to though.

Hi Ataloss123. Perfumes can be evocative. We associate certain smells with past experiences. Perhaps your strong reaction was triggered by something else. Talk to your husband about the perfumes that you like; there may be a perfume that you both like. Remember he has to smell you too! Helping around the house - it was sweet of him to have manned up to some housework. Again - talk to him - discuss how you would like him to help. After all the well intended meals that he had prepared may not have fitted with the family weekly regime. Nothing in a relationship is black and white - we always need to find out what the other person is thinking. We do not think along the same lines - if a person tells you that his or her partner is perfect then I would question the relationship. A marriage is about meeting half way most of the time; women and men are allowed to think for themselves. Yes I agree that you do need to brush up on your communications skills - both of you. Take time out together to chat without distraction - that would be away from the home. So book a babysitter and go out on a date, go shopping together but for nothing (what I mean here is that you go out and browse - perfume counters, hifi shops, music counters) that way you'll be able to tune in to your likes and dislikes in a non-confrontational way. Yes - do take time away from one another - this not only gives you breathing space but it also offers opportunity to discuss your time away. Be kind to yourself. Work on your marriage - both of you.

Thanks for your post ataloss, it's one I can sympathise with and I have enjoyed reading the discussion.

I agree with dollyjo, I think you need to look at yourself and why you have these niggles. I suspect it comes from a lack of self worth, and feeling unvalued. This can change by valuing yourself.

Your DH sounds like a kind man. You could start by writing a gratitude journal, writing 3-5 things you are grateful for at the end of each day. For a start I imagine you have good health, a roof over your head, food on the table, a loving husband, and a healthy happy child. It's amazing how things on the outside change when we change our own outlook.

I also agree that you could think about how you would like things to look and gently suggest that you could do with some help around the house, for instance by employing a cleaner.

Before you buy a house with your MIL I really think you need to have a frank discussion with your DH about your feelings around the idea and maybe you need to find a mediator to work with you both on this.

I hope this is helpful

Oh my dear, how often do you just simply put your arms around him and tell him you love him - even if you are seething with resentment inside? Sometimes the reaction you get to that simple act is like pouring oil on troubled waters and you are able to talk again. We've all been through this, I had three little ones under five, the youngest of whom never seemed to sleep, and I honestly thought I was the most hard done by, most put upon woman in the whole world, driven half crazy by so many broken nights. But, do you know what, it passes, it really does. And tiredness and resentment make you say things you don't mean, counting to ten before opening your mouth really does work - as does that hug! I tend to agree with my other Gran colleagues, your relationship does need a little TLC before embarking on the next stage of a new house and mother-in-law.

You need to think very, very hard about the whole situation, the house, your mil living with you, even your job. Can you afford to work less hours, you say your husband Earns a lot more and i should imagine Mil will be contributing Financially towards the upkeep of the household budget. If you were less stressed, tired and more relaxed the relationship could stand a chance. Also as a thought you are all living together and you decide in a few years to split, where does that leave mil? You need to think this through carefully. Good luck

My husband does the ironing, but I know he's odd and most don't. It's a nasty chore for most people and I would find having that done for me a very personal 'gift', along with the meal prep.

Perfume? He likely believes women think it's personal. The media plays that up, so if I got perfume, I'd be very happy that he thought it was romantic even if I didn't like it!

I would love a thoughtful gift of perfume bought for me and not the usual £20. in a card from the corner shop. Both need to think again about the move.

I'd be a bit peed off with perfume to be honest, it smacks of thoughtlessness to me because it doesn't take much imagination. I'd far prefer something to do with my hobbies or somebody having listened to my likes and dislikes but then I guess my husband has probably guessed that I am not the sort of girl who likes perfume. However, I'd have probably kept quiet and made sure I let him know I had enough perfume for next time.
As for having no choice in which path you take with MIL, I am not surprised that you are struggling and that really needs to be addressed. Are you able to buy the house without MIL? I would suggest that you talk to your DP and tell him you like the idea of buying the house but need more time with him on your own first before your MIL joins you. Meanwhile, her housing will be increasing in value which will give her more of a cushion in old age.
Your MIL may have needs but so do you. Please do not underestimate the effects of having somebody living with you. In an argument she is unlikely to take your side. When she needs taking to the Drs, assisting with personal care, etc., who is going to do that? Once she is with you, it is just accepted by the Health Services that no matter what is wrong with her, she has people at home who will look after her. If you are both working, how will that work?
Is she putting money into the property, If it doesn't work out and she has sold her house, how will you dissolve the partnership? Will you personally have ownership/rights to the house? What if your relationship with your partner doesn't work, who gets what? Apart from the emotional side you really need to see a solicitor to sort out the financial legalities. If you find it difficult to communicate now, it is not going to be any easier if your relationship crumbles.

When (if) your MIL moves in with you, will she have her own sitting room and bathroom? If so, then those are her spaces, and she can decorate and look after them as she wishes (while she is able to) but your rooms should be yours. Of course, you will watch TV together sometimes (maybe even sending your DH to watch the football on his Mum's telly ) but you need a clear understanding between ALL of you before you think about making such a big move. I'd also suggest a small kitchenette for Mum, so that she isn't constantly rearranging your kitchen. Two women in one kitchen is rarely a good idea.
The three of you need to sit down and talk...about finances, cleaning (any chance of getting a cleaner in to do a good vacuum and clean kitchen and bathroom/s once a week?) cooking (could MIL cook the evening meal twice a week - it would help you a lot?) and - very importantly - who disciplines your child - and how (it's a major flash-point for many blended families).
Communication will show you whether to go ahead with this move. Good luck..!

I would really like to know the reason you think that perfume is not a good gift? Maybe you could give us an example of what you think is acceptable? Like previous posters I would advise you to put the house purchase on hold until the basic under lying problems have been resolved. Possibly you might also consider TELLING him what you would like for Christmas, or give him a list of suggestions.....that is of course if you are still together at Christmas

Hello
I would be happy for perfume I think it is personal gift I can't think what
You would think as personal unless you mean underwear I would not
Like my husband to choose that I shudder to think what I would get, or
Maybe jewellery

I don't think your husband is any different to other men to be honest
and your just doing the things all women do we all do more house work
We all do the Christmas shopping and we all look after the children more
Than they do. and most of us work as well it's just being a woman.

Every one needs to be told thank you for doing something even you that's
Just part of life.
Maybe you are not very suited

Communication is just so important. Any communication as long as it is not negative. As that seems to be the underlying problem then you need a third party to involve both of you and to remonstrate against negatives.

There had to be a time when you both communicated. What happened to bring that to a stop? Explore the reason(s). Quite often there is a misunderstanding that is not resolved and that simply leads to more and more misunderstanding.

If you have a mutual friend who both of you respect try a meeting of three to make a fresh start based upon mutual agreement to resolve misunderstandings now. NOW. The longer these persist the more they fester in the unconscious and produce negativity. The way forward is to be positive.

Perfume IS a very personal gift, so you either really like a particular perfume or you don't like it at all. He has clearly tried, but not quite hard enough to get it right. Maybe the reaction should have been something like "Oh, thank you. This is one I haven't tried. I wonder what it is like?", followed by an immediate and generous trial - which he would detect at the same time and possibly not like at all!

Men do seem to think that ALL perfume is welcome, even when for years they have been smelling the one you prefer and usually wear, and presumably they like it. They never know what it is called.

I never buy perfume for one reason - I hate the smell. That aside, I'm heartened to see that, just for once, the Sisterhood hasn't jumped in with mindless support for the female!

Any gift is a good gift and I think it was totally out of order for you to say what said. It's the thought that counts, and you are obviously not doing much thinking. It's not just the talking, it's what you say when you do talk. He appears to have made an effort whilst you were away enjoying yourself, did you show your appreciation? You need to sit down with your husband and actually talk to him, discuss what it is you both want out of your marriage. There is absolutely no point in your buying a house while you feel this way. Stop stewing...sort it out.

My husband and I went for counselling many years ago and the two things I remember as useful are advice to make time each week to listen to each other. Not talk. Each person has 5 or 10 mins to talk whilst the other person just listens.Then swap.
The other thing was when the counsellor asked me how I showed my H I loved him. Of course, I thought I showed him in everything I did, but the more I thought about my daily behaviour, the more I began to see how I might come across as unkind and unloving.

I think you need to take a step back and look at your relationship. I agree with GK, being honest, but perfume is one of the most personal gifts he could have bought, especially as he'd already attempted conciliatory steps. What concerns me a little is that you are planning the long-term property purchase - have you dscussed the complications if the purchase goes through and the relationship founders - suggest you clarify ramifications with legal advisors before going further. Above all, you need "us time" and don't even consider inviting MIL to move in. I made that mistake and, much though I love her, it caused untold resentment both ways - you must sort out yourselves first, otherwise the relationship will be doomed. Hope you can sort out your various issues, and that all goes well for you both.

This illustrates differences in communication styles Ataloss. I guess you were trying to be open and honest by saying you weren't thrilled with the perfume. Your husband took it as a criticism even though it wasn't meant that way. My ex-husband and I were similarly at odds, he was a very sensitive person and consequently no differences ever got resolved because he took everything personally and became withdrawn. We're divorced so clearly I don't have a solution! Except to say it doesn't change or get any better.
I wonder does your husband want his mum to live with you because it makes him feel more secure? I recognise this too. Her no doubt 'unconditional love' could reinforce his feelings that any marital problems are because of you not him.
Sorry to sound negative. I really do hope there's a way forward for your family. As others have said, no marriage is perfect and plenty of couples have to compromise stay together. But it sounds like you had a taste of freedom, and it tasted good!

If anyone buys you a gift, accept it graciously, especially if it is your husband who's giving it. Also, as others have mentioned, he's trying to make an effort.

The house buying needs an indepth discussion. Sort it out now!

Do not contemplate living with MIL unless you both have separate living accommodation,even if it's very basic, eg bedsitter plus kitchenette and shower room for MIL. My mother lived with my sister for many years and most of the time it was OK as my brother-in-law worked abroad and my mother helped with the children and was company for my sister. However there was friction, as my mother didn't seem to understand that there were times when my sister and her husband wanted to have time together or go out on their own. Ground rules need to be established, kindly and firmly, before you even think of house sharing. Otherwise your husband sounds pretty nice to me, lots of men are
a bit inept at presents, I think yours was trying hard. 45 years ago my husband bought me a woodworking tool for a Christmas present. We got over it!

Same from me, please do not move MiL in with you in these circumstances, either she will be very unhappy when she finds how you argue and the general atmosphere or she will take your husband's side against you, either way she and you will be trapped in a bad situation, get it sorted out now. Most men are not confident when buying presents.