Am I being unreasonable

When (if) your MIL moves in with you, will she have her own sitting room and bathroom? If so, then those are her spaces, and she can decorate and look after them as she wishes (while she is able to) but your rooms should be yours. Of course, you will watch TV together sometimes (maybe even sending your DH to watch the football on his Mum's telly ) but you need a clear understanding between ALL of you before you think about making such a big move. I'd also suggest a small kitchenette for Mum, so that she isn't constantly rearranging your kitchen. Two women in one kitchen is rarely a good idea.
The three of you need to sit down and talk...about finances, cleaning (any chance of getting a cleaner in to do a good vacuum and clean kitchen and bathroom/s once a week?) cooking (could MIL cook the evening meal twice a week - it would help you a lot?) and - very importantly - who disciplines your child - and how (it's a major flash-point for many blended families).
Communication will show you whether to go ahead with this move. Good luck..!

I'd be a bit peed off with perfume to be honest, it smacks of thoughtlessness to me because it doesn't take much imagination. I'd far prefer something to do with my hobbies or somebody having listened to my likes and dislikes but then I guess my husband has probably guessed that I am not the sort of girl who likes perfume. However, I'd have probably kept quiet and made sure I let him know I had enough perfume for next time.
As for having no choice in which path you take with MIL, I am not surprised that you are struggling and that really needs to be addressed. Are you able to buy the house without MIL? I would suggest that you talk to your DP and tell him you like the idea of buying the house but need more time with him on your own first before your MIL joins you. Meanwhile, her housing will be increasing in value which will give her more of a cushion in old age.
Your MIL may have needs but so do you. Please do not underestimate the effects of having somebody living with you. In an argument she is unlikely to take your side. When she needs taking to the Drs, assisting with personal care, etc., who is going to do that? Once she is with you, it is just accepted by the Health Services that no matter what is wrong with her, she has people at home who will look after her. If you are both working, how will that work?
Is she putting money into the property, If it doesn't work out and she has sold her house, how will you dissolve the partnership? Will you personally have ownership/rights to the house? What if your relationship with your partner doesn't work, who gets what? Apart from the emotional side you really need to see a solicitor to sort out the financial legalities. If you find it difficult to communicate now, it is not going to be any easier if your relationship crumbles.

I would love a thoughtful gift of perfume bought for me and not the usual £20. in a card from the corner shop. Both need to think again about the move.

My husband does the ironing, but I know he's odd and most don't. It's a nasty chore for most people and I would find having that done for me a very personal 'gift', along with the meal prep.

Perfume? He likely believes women think it's personal. The media plays that up, so if I got perfume, I'd be very happy that he thought it was romantic even if I didn't like it!

You need to think very, very hard about the whole situation, the house, your mil living with you, even your job. Can you afford to work less hours, you say your husband Earns a lot more and i should imagine Mil will be contributing Financially towards the upkeep of the household budget. If you were less stressed, tired and more relaxed the relationship could stand a chance. Also as a thought you are all living together and you decide in a few years to split, where does that leave mil? You need to think this through carefully. Good luck

Oh my dear, how often do you just simply put your arms around him and tell him you love him - even if you are seething with resentment inside? Sometimes the reaction you get to that simple act is like pouring oil on troubled waters and you are able to talk again. We've all been through this, I had three little ones under five, the youngest of whom never seemed to sleep, and I honestly thought I was the most hard done by, most put upon woman in the whole world, driven half crazy by so many broken nights. But, do you know what, it passes, it really does. And tiredness and resentment make you say things you don't mean, counting to ten before opening your mouth really does work - as does that hug! I tend to agree with my other Gran colleagues, your relationship does need a little TLC before embarking on the next stage of a new house and mother-in-law.

Thanks for your post ataloss, it's one I can sympathise with and I have enjoyed reading the discussion.

I agree with dollyjo, I think you need to look at yourself and why you have these niggles. I suspect it comes from a lack of self worth, and feeling unvalued. This can change by valuing yourself.

Your DH sounds like a kind man. You could start by writing a gratitude journal, writing 3-5 things you are grateful for at the end of each day. For a start I imagine you have good health, a roof over your head, food on the table, a loving husband, and a healthy happy child. It's amazing how things on the outside change when we change our own outlook.

I also agree that you could think about how you would like things to look and gently suggest that you could do with some help around the house, for instance by employing a cleaner.

Before you buy a house with your MIL I really think you need to have a frank discussion with your DH about your feelings around the idea and maybe you need to find a mediator to work with you both on this.

I hope this is helpful

Hi Ataloss123. Perfumes can be evocative. We associate certain smells with past experiences. Perhaps your strong reaction was triggered by something else. Talk to your husband about the perfumes that you like; there may be a perfume that you both like. Remember he has to smell you too! Helping around the house - it was sweet of him to have manned up to some housework. Again - talk to him - discuss how you would like him to help. After all the well intended meals that he had prepared may not have fitted with the family weekly regime. Nothing in a relationship is black and white - we always need to find out what the other person is thinking. We do not think along the same lines - if a person tells you that his or her partner is perfect then I would question the relationship. A marriage is about meeting half way most of the time; women and men are allowed to think for themselves. Yes I agree that you do need to brush up on your communications skills - both of you. Take time out together to chat without distraction - that would be away from the home. So book a babysitter and go out on a date, go shopping together but for nothing (what I mean here is that you go out and browse - perfume counters, hifi shops, music counters) that way you'll be able to tune in to your likes and dislikes in a non-confrontational way. Yes - do take time away from one another - this not only gives you breathing space but it also offers opportunity to discuss your time away. Be kind to yourself. Work on your marriage - both of you.

Given the state of things between you I would not contemplate your OH's mother moving in with you. It is totally unreasonable to expect it given that the fact that you do 90% of the chores and caring it's unlikely he would be catering for her needs. She will also take his side and get between you.

Insist she finds alternative accommodation and then see if you can patch things up. You both have to want to though.

My 1st husband was a postman. He didn't buy me a Christmas present because he"forgot" it was Christmas! Guess what happened to that marriage.
My 2nd husband (39yrs of marriage) always asks me what I want. Some years ago I said perfume. He asked which kind and I told him 'Paris.' I explained that a previous boyfriend had always bought it for me. My hubby didn't mind at all and since then I have always received 'Paris' with something else.

Ataloss123 - It sounds to me that lots of things are causing problems for you. I can empathise with you both. I have always had 'breaks away' with girl friends and like your husband, my husband always makes more effort when I return home. It doesn't last long but it is nice at the time.
If I was you, I would try putting all of your niggles in a list and then work through them in some kind of priority and one at a time, asking yourself what YOU can do to improve things.
After all it is more difficult to change others than it is to change your own attitude and behavour. eg Tell him what you would like rather than grumble about it when he gets it wrong.
I hope this is helpful to your both.

As for your MiL living with you, without knowing your family, I couldn't possibly comment.

I can't understand this. You husband is making a huge effort and did something nice for you and then bought you perfume for your birthday . That is lovely even if it wasn't to your liking . To be frank I am not surprised he stormed off. I bet he was thinking " What more can I do?" I think perfume is a lovely gift . He actually went pout and choose it for you.

You say you are both late forties with a young child. I think having your MIL live with you could potentially be quite difficult especially if you have problems in your own relationship. Could you buy a house with a granny annexe so your MIL has some independence.?

Ataloss - I think there is general agreement here! Go give that man a hug!!

The years with a job and young children are sticky ones for everyone - we have all been there. This too will pass.

Ataloss123 i really dont think this has anything to do with the perfume and more to do with your lack of choice in a huge matter i.e his mother, you say you have worked hard to buy your house and i wonder if you feel that its not YOUR house anymore. Time you were honest with this man, no matter how DYNAMIC any counselling is it wont work without Honesty. You need to put this move on hold TODAT and sort this before you create any more mess between you. If he cant or wont listen to your concerns and thoughts you may need time apart. Think of your poor child, a unhappy atmosphere at home is awful for a child and your MIL moving in would make it a hundred times worse. Are You going to allow this ? Sounds to me you are both very unhappy.

Atalosss123, I wish my DH would buy me perfume. I might be lucky if I get some carnations! My DH never cooks, doesn't clean, I am a full time cook and cleaner and I am almost 68! Got it wrong in the 'good old' days when he was the breadwinner and I was at home with our children.
He does do the washing and ironing now after I told him I couldn't do everything.
It sounds to me as though you have a good one there and you are not appreciating the things he does. Make your mind up, nobody is perfect, do you love him? (confused)

I know women who have had a fish slice for Christmas!

It is your relationship make it better yourself. Counselling is rarely the answer.

Appreciate everything he does and he may learn to do the same for you. He sounds OK if he wants to look after his mum, he has some domestic skills and you obviously felt love for him and maybe still do. What did you think life would be like?

I can assure you that many women work in challenging roles and do all the housework, it was ever thus, but then men often do the car type of things / decorating l mow the lawn / clean the windows....is your relationship about keeping score? If you have a demanding job maybe get a cleaner in just a couple of hours week.

Life is basically slog, slog with perfume is a bonus....

The only pressies I seem to get from mine are ones you can plug in, so perfume would make a change. Obviously the gift haste been the real problem.

5 languages of love. Try it both ways.

Very strange. So the husband does housework while she's away "relaxing", and he buys her perfume for her birthday. To me he sounds lovely. I think the OP is a piece of work. Sounds like she's spoiled rotten and nothing would please her.

Your husband was trying really hard. You threw it all back in his face telling him his gift was the wrong sort of gift. Were you looking to communicate better or really trying to provoke??? Definitely not a situation to bring a m in l into, certainly won't make things any better.

Sounds like the OP is just tired and stressed.It's hard work holding down a job and being a home maker and doing all the childcare. Have a conversation with your DH and try and work things out.Sometimes men need to be told () what to buy as a present.Good luck.?

I'm feeling a bit more sympathetic now Ataloss . The problem seems to be more around sharing a home with your mother in law which can be fraught. I understand you do not have close family and that makes it difficult to accept your husband's closeness to his Mum. I have not had close family either apart from my children and I do find it hard to relate to others . You need to discuss the whole situation with your husband and be honest about how you feel. It will be so much worse if mother in law moves in and things go wrong.
I had short breaks away from husband and children occasionally and it was good !

Not all those getting counselling are good at examining themselves and their relationships, either, even under guidance. Friends went for counselling for friction which everyone who knew them were aware that the roots were in their each being completely intractable in their conviction that they were in the right on all aspects, (money, child-raising, housework and house decoration, food, clothes, you name it) They emerged from it unaltered and are now divorced.

Elegran sadly not all counsellors are good at their job.

That's rather like saying the OP was wrong to take a break. Surely you didn't mean that kitty?