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My son might be emigrating!

(130 Posts)
SeventhHeaven Sun 08-Jan-17 13:18:31

Hi grans! I just wanted to know how others would feel in this situation. I have one son who is happily married. He has quite a good job, but he doesn't enjoy it, and it can be stressful. He is thinking of emigrating to America, as he and his wife have holidayed there several times and they love the whole American lifestyle. Most definitely, I am not a clinging mother. I never interfere in their lives, and I won't stand in their way if this is what they want. Secretly, however the thought of my only lad emigrating upsets me. Last night I
had a secret cry.No one knows, not even my husband. I'm feeling a bit like a mother being made to part with her new baby. My son hasn't even applied for any jobs yet!! Part of me is also secretly hurt that he would leave his mum and dad at this time in our lives. My son will never know my feelings - I'm not one to do emotional blackmail. But I just need some advice on how to get my head round this. And it might not even happen - it's only a consideration at the moment.

Ana Sun 08-Jan-17 13:24:10

I don't think it's that easy to emigrate to the USA. He might find the whole process so difficult he'll change his mind...although there's always Canada!

ffinnochio Sun 08-Jan-17 13:32:12

Well, it hasn't happened yet so I'd suggest you don't waste your time with 'what if's' .
That may sound harsh, but if it does turn out that they emigrate, then what a pity your sadness will cloud the time they are with you now.

tanith Sun 08-Jan-17 13:35:44

My only son lives abroad and although its in Europe and not that far away I felt exactly as you are feeling now that I was losing him. I still feel that way, he's never going to be 'round the corner' as my girls are and I still miss him now and its been 7/8 yrs. I can visit when I'm ok healthwise and he has come back a few times now with his partner and young son. Our relationship is not the same and he isn't a good communicator.
I hang on to the facts that he's very happy in his new life and like you I keep my thoughts to myself although OH knows how much I miss having him and his little family around the corner.

Its a shock at the moment but time will ease your pain and if he does go and makes a life out there you could visit of course and you will come to be happy that he's happy. My thoughts are with you..

Jane10 Sun 08-Jan-17 13:36:33

I think its very difficult to just move to America. OK they've had nice holidays there but who hasn't imagined moving to a place they liked on holiday? I reckon its pie in the sky you're worrying over nothing (and I'm saying that as an enthusiastic worrier!)

ffinnochio Sun 08-Jan-17 13:42:16

Both my sons and their families live in other countries, and I have never, ever felt that I have lost them.

Anya Sun 08-Jan-17 13:53:59

I'd be gutted seventhheaven

Let's hope it doesn't happen for your sake.

tanith Sun 08-Jan-17 13:57:41

ffinnochio perhaps your are lucky in that your sons are better communicators than mine is, his partner keeps me up dated on my little grandsons progress thank goodness but my relationship with my son is nothing like as good as it was before he moved abroad.

paddyann Sun 08-Jan-17 14:03:24

its not easy to emigrate to the USA ,so I wouldn't worry too much ,most places have a points system so unless he has a job thats needed he's unlikely to get in .Get him to write down what it is about the American lifestyle he likes and make sure he understands that there are still alot of companies there to dont pay maternity pay ,or paid holidays and the health insurance can be crippling,if he knows and understands and is happy with these conditions then you have to smile and let him go.I know 3 families who emigrated to Australia in 2015 ,they have all come home as it wasn't quite how they imagined it

jusnoneed Sun 08-Jan-17 14:13:11

It will be difficult for you if it happens, but if they think they will have a better life then be positive and happy that he is brave enough to give it a go. I have a cousin who got fed up with things in the UK (work/relationships) so she went to the US for 3 months holiday, stayed with an aunt in Florida. But things went well and she applied to stay. She is now married to an American chap, 2 children, and loves life over there. She Skypes her parents weekly and she comes back a couple times a year, sees her favourite places and the family for 3/4 weeks. Her parents (in their 70's) visited a couple of times too.
These days there are so many ways to keep in touch.

SeventhHeaven Sun 08-Jan-17 14:20:47

Thanks Anya and other posters. At the moment it's just something they are thinking about. Either way, I will let them make their own decisions and not try to influence them in any way. Every stage in life is full of challenges isn't it? Never knew this time of life would be so hard, (exhausted but adoring gran and child-care provider to my daughters' children! ) and the possibility of my son emigrating.

Jalima Sun 08-Jan-17 14:53:36

He may never go, as other posters have said, it is not easy to emigrate to America, you can't just decide to go. If he is head-hunted then of course his firm will sort out all the details for them.
Don't worry until it happens (easier said than done I know).
Then - don't worry, keep in touch and visit as often as you can.

I know 3 families who emigrated to Australia in 2015 ,they have all come home as it wasn't quite how they imagined it
I don't know anyone who has come home from Australia but I know that some people don't investigate thoroughly and the reality is often different to their dreams of sunshine, leisure and a beach life.
Most Australians and people I know who have moved there work just as hard, if not harder, than people in the UK.

silverlining48 Sun 08-Jan-17 15:18:07

There are plenty of us on GN whose children live abroad. I may not like it but keep it to myself (well I try to). My dd has been in Europe for over l0 years and theres no chance of her returning. It is a faff as nothing is spontaneous and always planned far in advance, but am grateful its not any further away. Dont worry, it probably wont happen so try not to let it spoil your now, but yes, I can understand your tears, its hard and does take a lot of getting used to. Good luck.

janeainsworth Sun 08-Jan-17 15:25:30

I agree with ffin that your relationship can be just as good when DCs live abroad.
My DS has lived in America for the last 13 years, I know he will never live in England again. But we speak every week on Skype and we visit every 6 - 8 months.
It's hard and we do miss him and the family very much, but it is his life after all and even if they were living here we wouldn't expect to be closely involved in their lives.

NannyDee Sun 08-Jan-17 15:49:48

Our DS, DIL and 5 year old grandson moved to Australia 5 years ago and I was devastated. However, I tried hard not to let it show as they were so excited about their new adventure. Our son moved to a better job within the same company and has progressed much further than he might have done had they stayed here. We have visited once but due to DH's health I don't know if we will go again, the 24 hr journey is very difficult. We skype and FaceTime but it's not the same as seeing them in real life. But we have to get on with it, they are all happy and settled , we have our DD and her family close by so we are lucky.

J52 Sun 08-Jan-17 16:18:13

I know exactly how you feel. DS and wife went to Australia 6 years ago. It took a good 18 months to organise, even with him having a 'priority' occupation. They were given residency status as soon as they arrived so didn't look like they'd be coming back.
I was devastated, but hid my feelings. I cried privately and had difficulty responding when friends asked how they were getting on.
They loved the life, but suddenly decided to come back after 2 years, to have their family. They have not ruled out going back again, and have been back on several holidays, so I'm enjoying them while I can.

You may find it take a long time to organise any emigration, some of the rules change whilst the process is being gone through.

Granarchist Sun 08-Jan-17 16:20:34

does he know they only get 14 days holiday a year in the US?

Menopaws Sun 08-Jan-17 16:46:13

I do lots of secret cries, I miss my girl in oz, my son is moving to Canada, my mum is 90 and I'm primary caregiver and my husband has cancer but still my life is good so heads up

Christinefrance Sun 08-Jan-17 16:49:13

Of course you are upset SeventhHeaven that's understandable, but your son needs to make the most of any opportunities which arise, try and be positive for him. It's not leaving you but doing what is best for himself and his family. You should be proud of an enterprising son looking for a better life.

SeventhHeaven Sun 08-Jan-17 17:02:03

Aw, Menopaws! Well done for being so positive when you have so much on your plate! Yes, life is definitely good for me - I have loving daughters and grandkids nearby, and a lovely husband, and god-willing, no serious health problems. I have a lot to be thankful for. And any cries I do if my son does emigrate will always remain secret like yours. I will never stand in his way, or voice any criticism of his choice - I will just remain a wuss very privately!

Ana Sun 08-Jan-17 17:13:20

Oh! For some reason I thought your son was your only child, but that isn't the case. Yes, you are indeed lucky!

rosesarered Sun 08-Jan-17 17:38:49

Feel very sorry for all grans in this position, it must be awful, however brave a face they put on it. 💐

CassieJ Sun 08-Jan-17 17:49:55

My son has lived in Canada for 14 years. He married a Canadian and this is where they decided to base themselves. He has an excellent job there and doing really well. He would never move back to the UK. They are expecting their first baby this year which is very exciting.
I cried buckets when I left him there after his wedding sad Communication then wasn't as easy as it is nowadays. We made do with weekly phone calls, and now Skype. Skype is amazing to be able to keep in touch. It will be so much better to be able to see my new grandchild.
It isn't ever easy when your child moves so far away, but like you, I would never have told him. I visit about every 3 years, and they come here every year.
As Granarist says, do they realise how little holidays they get? My son was only getting 11 days holiday a year at one time. He is now self employed so gets what he wants.
Also as others have pointed out, America is very difficult to move to unless you have a job to go to.

GracesGranMK2 Sun 08-Jan-17 18:10:54

It isn't awful roses, it's difficult to say know what describes it - heart wrenching I suppose, but so much is positive. I admit I have one real positive that maybe some other don't - a fantastic daughter-in-law - but lots of tears are shed both by me and by them. Australia is such a long way away. As well as my son and his family being there my brother and one niece are in America (the other niece is about to go too) but that is much closer and my mother kept visiting him until well into her 80s.

To those facing this I would say: learn all you can about technology. Have a family FaceBook page. My DGC (aged 8) has told me I need to learn about face-timing ... and I have only just got into Skype (and I think I would need a new phone hmm) With my son the 2 hour phone calls are the highlight of my contact with him but I live in Yorkshire and he met his wife when they were in London so that might be the case anyway. You will not be surprised to know roses, we talk about politics as well about the family and we even get into Australian politics grin just as we would do at home.

harrigran Sun 08-Jan-17 18:17:26

My DD went to live in Europe seven years ago, I didn't see her very often before she went so nothing has changed.