My son might be emigrating!

I am emigrating to America later this year, however it has been a 14 year wait to obtain the necessary Visa despite the fact that I was offered a job in 2002 and my brother, who sponsored me, is an American Citizen.

The wheels of US immigration grind exceeding slow and I was only invited to the Embassy in London last June for my interview after attending a Knightsbridge doctors (they stipulate which one) for a medical.

Also it is not cheap as they require several forms all of which require payment (the medical cost £250).

I will be 73 in March and have always been determined to make it....hopefully I still will!

I will be leaving my DD, however as she emigrated to Australia in 1995, returning in 2000 she fully understands why I need to go.

I have just heard third hand that DD1 is applying to work in the US. Her husband wants to be there because of the company he has set up. As dd moved to Europe from the states because he wanted to live in Europe and she did say to me stop me from ever moving continents again I am a bit puzzled. She hasn't said anything to us but I often feel her husband really doesn't like her talking to us. Sometimes one's adult children can be far away even when they live near by.

SeventhHeaven I would be truly gutted, as I would lose GC as well, but I would wish them well as its their life. I hope it never becomes a reality for you.

You are bound to feel sad at the thought he may be so far away. A good cry may make you feel better than trying to be brave all of the time. Try to keep busy and refuse to worry about it unless it actually happens. If it does happen then plan ways to keep in touch. Get an ipad and facetime as often as you need to. You can still be a big part of his life. Think of it as a good opportunity to visit America. You could also agree to meet up in Europe for holiday. Air fares to US are now cheaper than ever.

My only (child) ds has a very specialized career and 14 years ago a company offered him a great position. They organized all the paperwork and within a few months he was living 6000 miles away. He now has his own family, has been home twice, we've visited twice.
I'm grateful for emails and Skype. Miss them so much but accept that it is what it is.

Sometimes I have a few tears but can't change anything and accept the situation. They are happy

There was a thread on GN last October I think about adult children emigrating.

Those with a little time to read might be interested in a 2014 report which used Irish data to examine the effect of migration on parents left behind:

ftp.iza.org/dp8037.pdf

Interestingly the report concluded that it was mothers who mostly suffered depression and ill health.

People have posted about the effect on themselves but what about the effect on the rest of the family. This last Christmas was our first for 30 years without children because ED had gone, as she had for the last 3 years, to the US with her boyfriend. We went away as a treat to take our mind off things but my husband, usually the calm and competent one, had a panic attack and insisted we catch the last flight home on the day before Christmas Eve. I had never seen him last this. It was shocking and it was only when we had rushed to the airport and were about to buy tickets that I got him to stop and think what he was doing. Very sad. No one would want to deprive children of opportunities but there is a price to be paid.

Actually there is a new series on Tuesdays on, I think channel 4, about families emigrating to Australia. The family who went in last week's episode left behind an 86 year old great grandma. The interim generation seemed to have already died and sadly, she was obviously upset and died within the year.

Let your son know that whilst you will miss him & family you understand why he want to go & leave it at that. Be supportive & try to look on the positives - long holiday with them once they're settled, if it ever happens.

My DD lived 300 miles away from me for a while & I didn't see lots of her, I'm only 10 miles away now but still don't see lots of her & DGS.

My DM is in Yorkshire whilst I'm now in Devon - 300 miles away, she's nearly 88 & I only manage to visit once/twice a year. I do however ring every few days

My son got a job in Toronto, Canada around 3 years ago. He lives with his Canadian partner and they have a four month old son. I agree Skype is a good way of keeping in touch and once a month i get to see my grandson growing up. I wont be a stranger when i visit (for the first time) in May.

I agree with others about not worrying yet as America is a hard place to emigrate to so it may never happen. If it does...Skype with them as its just like they are in the room talking with you!

I find it difficult to understand how you can be so stoic. I would not consider leaving the UK permanently because I have a loyalty to my elderly parents. Is that feeling of loyalty to one's family now old-fashioned? Now that I am getting older myself I would like to think that my own child has a similar sense of loyalty. I also find it hard to understand that you feel that you must (and are seemingly able to) conceal your distress? I think that you should be honest with your son if the subject is raised again. I hope it works out for you. With best wishes.

How elderly are your parents Leyla?

If in their 60s is considered 'elderly' then you may have some on GN disputing that!

I do feel rather sorry for your child if you have imbued a sense of guilt in him/her about untying the apron strings.

I think the best thing to say is 'yes, I am upset because I love you and I will miss you but you have to do what you think is best for you and your family. I hope that I'll be able to come and see you'.

And loyalty to one's family is not lessened by distance - I know that mine would be there if I needed them (or they would ship me out to them )

My only son went to live in the States nine years ago and is unlikely to ever return due to his line of work. I was very, very upset when he went and even now its not ideal. Like a lot of people in the States he gets paid well, but he works very long hours and has few holidays. He is useless on the phone. The silver lining is that he has spent every Christmas with us except one and comes back for a visit every summer. Of course its not as easy as having him in the UK, apart from anything else airfares are very expensive for visits, but he is happy with his life and I try to focus on that as the most important thing.

I think I've posted this before. My three children all live in different countries with different time zones, so email is the best way of communicating for us. Skype we do fairly often too, and manage to keep in touch with our two grandchildren who are delightful. For twenty years we went every year to California, but now insurance costs and increasing age make it prohibitive. I miss them all very much, but if you bring them up to be independent you can't complain when they act that way.

This is something every mother worries about and there's nothing we can do about it except back them in whatever they want to do - wherever that may be.

My son married an Australian girl and despite both trying to find decent jobs here (I live in Scottish Highlands) it was useless. They couldn't even find any decent housing because they had no children. After a visit to Oz in 2004 and seeing what it had to offer they decided to leave these shores and live in Australia where my DiL has family. I miss him more than I can say but would never have blackmailed him into staying because, one day, I won't be here and I'd have scuppered him dreams and chances of a good life for himself.

And to make things even harder - my DD lives in Dallas! She married an American and she's been in the States now since 1999. She has 2 children so not only is my heart sore for the missing of her but for missing out on the joy of my grandchildren.

But we visit when we can - lovely, warm places to visit! Of course, we're getting older now and visits abroad will be curtailed at some point because of costs and also my husband's heart condition means huge travel insurance costs!

But we waved them off with huge hugs and love and they have the knowledge that, for as long as we're alive, we'll be here for them if ever they need it.

Parenting is about giving your children the confidence to grow and spread their wings - and fly.

Conni7, I agree about emails as we have Australia and the US to deal with so when appropriate we send family ones. It's quite nice as the reply come from all over.

Absolutely no feeling that anyone is being disloyal although I have heard this viewpoint before - about 60 years ago when my then husband decided to move south from Yorkshire

I have a friend whose son wife and family emigrated to Australia and i know she cried buckets. But they kept in touch by regular skyping etc and she and her husband had some great holidays in Oz visiting them.
Then out of the blue after 5 years her son got a new job back in the UK and they are all back. She is over the moon!

Two of my three children have lived and worked abroad at various times and the eldest DS has been abroad in several different countries for the past 8 years. Although DH cannot fly long haul for health reasons. I have had some amazing holidays in places I would never have dreamt I would visit such as Barbados and Malaysia. We are so lucky now with texts, emails and FaceTime, that I have never felt I have lost touch with them.
My DB emigrated to Canada in the 1980s, we are still as close as ever and my parents were able to spend many memorable holidays with him and his family.
We had a dear neighbour, sadly dead now, who told us wistfully about the wonderful job offer in the USA he had not been able to take up when younger because his wife would not leave her mother. You would not want your son to be like that would you SeventhHeaven?

Definitely not PurpleDaffodil. And Leyla, one reason I am keeping quiet is because at present they are only thinking about it, nothing concrete - though my emotional posts would suggest their bags are packed and they 're off next week. Another reason I will hide my feelings about it is that from experience I know there is nothing more painful than guilt trips where parents are involved. I remember leaving home at 23 to live in a flat. My fit and able (widowed) dad was so upset at being left on his own that for several weeks he blanked me out in the street. I was so stressed by that I couldn't eat ( a first for me!) or sleep. I never want my son or my daughters to go thtough that. All the posts here on GN do help you to get your head straight. In my case, worrying now for something which might not happen, the reassurance that others have felt like me, and....hopefully....if it does happen, however hard it is, I'll get used to it in time.Though I really, really hope they choose to stay...

There was a time when DD and SIL were seriously looking at emigrating to Australia. I was secretly appalled but it all fell through in the end. I think it turned out that he was too old.

I have to say that SIL is very glad that he moved here from the US. He has British nationality and appreciates it more every year!

Sons and daughters have been emigrating for hundreds of years often with very little chance of seeing their families again.When my brother went to Australia in the 60's as that ship left Southampton it might have meant we would never see him again. My father was in Australia in the 50's and it took 6 weeks for a letter to arrive.

Today communication is much easier. I live in a different country to my daughter but tonight I facetimed her to see how she managed a new placement and on Friday I read through her essay and she explained it to me. At one point it seemed we were in the same room.

Your son doesn't enjoy his job, he is looking for a new and happier life for himself and his family. Think how happy you will be if he finds happiness, either in the US or somewhere else. Quietly look at how you can manage long distance communication, Skype, Facebook, FaceTime. Messenger, what's App etc and save up for visits ready for when you know where you will have to visit and it might be close by.

Layla I think it's out of order to expect your child to ' be loyal' and stay near to help you as elderly parents If that's what you wanted to do that's fine but your poor child(children) if that is what is expected of them

It nothing to do with old fashioned I upped and move to Malaysia in the early 60 s leaving my beloved mum dad and widowed Nan who I adored behind ( I an only child) I was back after a few years ( planned) but in those days we had no phones, not even a landline I used to on very rare occasions ring the corner shop It was air letters which took days sometimes weeks to arrive My mum dad and Nan must have been heart broken but they did everything to help me go they cried but they never once tried to stop me

Children are not born to be an insurance for our old age they should be free as birds to fly where they want and no please don't show DISTRESS show your sadness. ( and your happiness for them in their adventures) but to show DISTRESS Is a blackmail too

If you look at a forum like britishexpats.com you will find that there are threads where those who have emigrated express their guilt and concerns for those they have left behind. Unless there have been family problems, most children go on caring deeply for their parents and want to be there for them (apologies for anyone from the estranged families thread, please don't take offence at that, I know it's not easy).

I lived with my widowed mother until I was 22 and I was there a lot with her keeping her company. She was very depressed and I realise now I was what would be called a child carer. I didn't move out at 22 but I began to spend a lot of time with my first really serious boyfriend who had his own house. I felt desperately guilty about my mum who had few friends and who spent a lot of time by herself if I wasn't there. She was very angry with me and I remember it being a difficult time. I think we all know that showing anger and resentment isn't going to help anyone but those feelings can be very hard to bear. It's good to have someone or somewhere they can be voiced and heard with compassion.

Anticipating the difficulty of an adult child emigrating is just a way of realising how much you love them.

Just to say that when I was a young married woman my mum and dad went out to visit my sister and family in Australia when they retired, came back and told me they were going back out there to live. I was left on my own with no close family left in the UK. So occasionally it works the other way.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to post. Your varied opinions and viewpoints have all been helpul. I'll let you all know as soon as anything is definite, either way .x

I don't think its at all interfering or being clingy to tell him how you feel
If I was considering emigrating I'ld be touched to hear from those who would miss me, and if nobody seemed that bothered about me mentioning I might be going then I'ld maybe wonder if my "support system" here was as much of a "pro" for staying as I thought it was

If I were your child, I'ld actually appreciate hearing how you feel about it.