Help with easy to use food

My situation is probably different as my mum lives only 3 miles from me. I visit every morning to help her shower (over the bath shower and she's a bit unsteady on her feet) and make her breakfast, usually a bowl of porridge or a boiled egg and toast.
I leave her a sandwich for lunch and call in again early evening to make her dinner. Sometimes dinner will be whatever we're having or something quickly prepared like boil-in-the bag cod in a butter sauce with new potatoes and a bit of veg. She'd eat nothing other than puddings if left to her own devices.
She refuses all professional help and it all becomes a bit of a nightmare when I need a holiday. I think the time will come when I'll have to put my foot down and insist on some outside help but she throws a tantrum and becomes abusive when anyone mentions it.

This is a very tentative comment but have you been able to think about any plans for when your mum can't manage any longer, even with extra care? I don't like to upset you by asking this but I was in the same position as you with my Mum but things came to head suddenly when Mum had a fall, ended up in hospital and a return home to live on her own was no longer a reasonable option. I was running around like a headless chicken, trying desperately to find a suitable place in a care home for her. If I had thought ahead and carried out some research, I wouldn't have felt so distraut. I would also have had some idea of how it was all to have been financed as well. I was lucky because a personal recommendation worked out well and, after a tricky few weeks, Mum settled in and was comfortable and cared for for 3 more years. I feel for you and wish you and your mum well.

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NanaMacGeek thank you for your kindly put enquiry. I have thought about it as mum has had a broken pelvis early in all this and a TIA in the last year and I do know that it is something we may have to think about, but you are right - I haven't done anything positive mainly because I don't know what I could do ahead of time. We have a strong system of the NHS providing home-care to both get people out of hospital as quickly as possible and keep them out which the hospital put in place both times and the doctor has put in place since to keep her at home. I have a feeling we are very lucky with this but do accept there may be a time when another answer is necessary.

I do have friends who have been through finding a home for their mothers - one not good and one very good although sadly that mum only lived for three weeks in it but I could ask for help there. You are certainly right to flag it up as I am sure I will not be the only one in this position.

Mum is probably the complete opposite to your mum Linsco and would be horrified if I was trying to do so much for her so we are really trying to make it possible for her to do as much as she can while surreptitious picking up on things that she can't do. She has little mobility although she get around her bungalow with her 'trolley'. She has a backbone of steel which is admirable but does mean she is quite strong-minded about what can and can't be done for her I am only a little bit further away than you but we work on a drop and run system if necessary with frequent shorter visits. She is beginning to sleep a lot (I would be at 96 without all the other issues )so me being there for long periods would mean her trying to stay awake and that would seem cruel in her case. No holidays for me either though for quite a few years but I am extremely lucky to have a very close family with my daughter nearby. I hope you have some help with your mum as it sounds as if you are doing a sterling job in caring in the way she wants and needs.

surreptitiously - sorry

You can buy now breakfast drinks, they are a bit pricey but don't need refrigeration and taste ok......so maybe a few of those left for her would help but only if she can get them undone.

I do think that older people just lose their appetite and that it is a body winding down. I admire you care of her.

This is tough, my mum would gain and lose weight depending on whether she forgot to eat or ate more than 3 meals a day! The carers (she lived 3 hrs away from us and refused to move) would leave her sandwiches wrapped and she was forever shopping for ready meals. She rarely ate the sandwiches as she did not recognise them and how she did not poison herself with the out of date ready meals that escaped the eagle eye of the carers I will never know! Sometimes she lived on chocolate and ignored everything else in the house. When she was eventually forced to move into a nursing home we found a freezer full of beef burgers, something she never ate previously

I worry about people with dementia having gas cookers, or even electric ones come to that. My Aunt had a gas cooker, and we turned up one day unexpected to find that she had filled a large pan with potatoes right to the top which was cooking away, and she had done the same with a pan of eggs which was filled to the brim. Also boiling away. What she was going to do with all that food we will never know. As for the boiling water, well I shudder to think.

My SIL used to put packed lunches (salad or sandwiches) in the fridge with labels on Mon, Tue etc etc, she used to give her Mum breakfast then leave the lunch box coming back to cook a simple meal in the evening, she didn't want to eat too much. It was also a good way to remind her Mum what day it was.

The biggest worry we had with my Mother before we eventually had to find her a nursing home (she had lung cancer) was that she would not stop smoking, plus the dementia which was a lethal combination. My brother and sisters and I had clubbed together to buy her her own little bungalow where she could be independent. It was a few hundred yards from my youngest sister's house. She kept falling asleep in her armchair and as she smoked she was leaving great big holes in the arm of the chair! Luckily the armchair was fireproof but when we eventually moved her out, because we felt it was dangerous for her to stay on her own, she had burnt holes in the chairs, the floor lino, and also even though we had bought her a new bed with new bed linen she took to sleeping in her chair instead of getting in to bed. It was a great worry for everyone because she was adamant she was capable of looking after herself. She wasn't and when we moved her you would think we had committed the crime of the century. It was a joint decision but she always blamed my younger sister for putting her in the nursing home, which wasn't fair... all down to the dementia.

Even microwaves can cause trouble. A friend had to keep two new m'waves for her mother because she kept cooking metal saucepans of food in it.

Like a newborn, whenever she goes to see dr/nurse, have your mum weighed. Like a newborn, it will give you confidence all is OK.

Food wise, 'Eat Natural' cereal bars are really useful. (And the wrappers will be in the bin) Box from Amazon is £16 for 20 mixed bars.

My dad, after a lifetime of routine with my mum, would think nothing of having a ready meal of fish at 10.30 in the morning, followed bt cornflakes at some other time. He just ate what he wanted whatever the time. I think as long as she is eating something thats good.

Gracesgranmk2
Your mum sounds to be on the ball inspite of her dementia
Are you near enough to pop in every day to see her? .
Eating is the main thing and who says we have to eat a cooked meal at lunchtime.My late DH in his last years had two breakfasts well what I call breakfast ie toast and marmalade etc . One first thing the next around 1pm.I left it to him if that's what he wanted so be it
As long as your mum is getting some protein every day and is happy and she is eating no matter if it is not what you would have then let things be but do keep an eye on her



.

Should have added that the council provided her with a 'carer' who was a young girl, but all she seemed to do was sit and talk. She might make her a cup of tea as well. Still we didn't mind because it was company for Mum while we were all working. My young sister used to do her washing for her and run the hoover round but she had her own family to look after as well. My young brother used to come about 3 times a year, but he was always the blue eyed boy and could do nothing wrong in her eyes......he did what he could though...but the burden was mainly on my young sister. We were in Belgium at the time with the RAF. Mum died in that nursing home bless her but at least we were all there when she passed on.

The thing with dementia is that they do the unexpected. My Aunt used to count imaginary stamps from her imaginary collection and if any were 'missing' she used to pick a fight with whoever was nearest to her saying they had stolen her stamps. We had to move her from an old folk's home to a nursing home in the end because it got too much for them to cope with. She used to be a sister in a hospital. So sad to see them like that.

I used to buy the little variety packs for mum and could keep check on what she ate that way,she had diabetes so her carbs were controlled and the small ceral packs were useful that way too,sometimes she would have an extra pack at suppertime so we were alerted to watch her diet that day.I cookes all mums food and put it in see through containers for her to reheat when she wanted it,soI knew exactly what she was eating....even when she was in hospital .Sometimes the nurses were under pressure so didn't check if she ate the hospital meals ,it was simpler for me to provide it and check what was left

Poor you, dementia is horrid isn't it.

Is she under the care of a consultant of old age psychiatry + the team? They can be very helpful re meds aricept and memantine plus giving practical support.

What is your mum's score on the mini memory test?

Does she go to a day centre for people who have dementia where they can make sure she is having enough to eat on the days she attends?

Maybe she's getting more and more muddled and a care package needs to be considered - or do not feel she is ready for that.

You obviously love your mum to bits and I hope you can find the support to improve her QOL and give you peace of mind.

I do feel for you having been in a very similar situation last year. My MiL was always a very capable and proud lady. Sadly 2 spells in hospital shortly after her 93rd birthday (pneumonia) saw a rapid decline in her physical and mental health and capability. Our experiences were so like the situation you are now in but probably considerably worse in respect of mobility and lethargy. She seemed to loose interest in everything and took to her bed. We arranged for carers to visit 3, then 4, times a day to give medication and attend to personal hygiene. This was a difficult time but she did eventually accept their help. Family members also visited. As she declined a dietician came to visit and recommended a diet consisting of high calorie and full fat milk foods. We were also told that she should be allowed to eat what she liked when she wanted. MiL's GP prescribed nutritious milk and juice drinks called Ensure to supplement her diet. She also developed a taste for lemonade so we bought the ones with lots of sugar! I also bought children's ready meals from waitrose. They are a great size for small appetites and supposedly 'full of good stuff'! This is a very difficult time for everyone and I remember only too well how distressing it is. I had been in the same situation years earlier with my father. If you haven't already done so, Please do inform social services as they did help to arrange a very good care plan. You must care for yourself too if you are to be of any help to your loved one. Best wishes.

I do feel for you Gracesgran. My mum of 92 is rapidly going the same way, but she refuses to have anything to do with the microwave believing it's an instrument of the devil! She managed to pull the top door off the electric cooker this week (and she's frail and small). She will only have M&S ready meals, or those cooked by me. She otherwise lives on toast and jam, biscuits and cake, and some fruit. She's on oromorph for pain and refuses to have any outside interference help, just my brother, who is unwell, and me. She is undoubtedly at risk, but I am unable to do anything as she is a very strong willed woman. I have to accept it.

It's hard, my mum stopped wanting to eat. Careers came to heat up her food as they were no allowed enough time to prepare, but she often put it out under the sink where there used to be a bin, and it became a health hazard. There s no easy solution. But cold things such as sandwiches can be as nutritious. Eventually all she would eat is dark chocolate! It's very difficult, but you just have to go with the flow. Eventually the person often doesn't recognise the feeling of hunger, or remember if they have eaten. Do careers come in? Sometimes a person will eat if someone sits down and has a cuppa and something to eat. Often the person doesn't need many calories as they re not eating much. Milky drinks or food supplement drinks can suffice. It's not a nice feeling tho, I do know.

Hi GracesG

Do you live reasonably close to your mother?

If you were to ask her the name of the present monarch, the year and her address, could she answer correctly?

Are those farm meals microwaveable?

Good luck

GracesG

One last thing, I forgot to mention, what about Complan?
I believe similar products (from a health food shop) may have the nutrients she will need.

Do you take her out for lunch or would that upset her?

Just wanted to say that there is a great forum called Talking Point on the Alzheimer's website. I was on it constantly for a couple of years, every subject has been/is covered. It's a journey for carers & the sufferer. My aunt always said she wasn't hungry until a plate of food was put in front of her - which she then polished off. It's that awkward time between the sufferer not being able/motivated to get something to eat & being prepared to let someone else put food down in front of them.

Hi I had a similar problem this year as my mother has dementia (96) and my dad (95) is physically disabled. They had carers in twice a day for my dad but my mum would not let them do anything for her. She was constantly falling over and I would be called in the middle of the night to pick her up. I daren't go on holiday even for a night to visit my children. One day my dad told me they weren't able to manage as he was frightened my mum may go walkabout and he would not be able to stop her etc. I found a care home with two rooms adjacent and within two weeks they moved in. I don't think my mum really knew what was happening which upset me. I have to say though it was the best thing I could have done. It was not a panic situation so I had plenty of time to look around for a good home and now my mum is much more lucid, mixes with the other old people there, allows them to watch her while she showers and enjoys the food. She keeps telling me how lovely everyone is there. My dad has calmed down a lot too as he no longer has the responsibility for her and I have just booked my first few days away in 5 years.

dragonfly I hope you have a wonderful time on your holiday.

GracesGranMK2 does it really matter what time your Mother eats as long as she eats?

So many people having to deal with this illness and the problems it causes. So sad.