Help with easy to use food

I am going through this with my widowed father. He has the added fun of having diabetes which he has not managed for many years. He is no longer able to cook, does not eat properly, wash clothes, tidy up etc and refuses to take his tablets and forgets whether he has taken his insulin He has frequent falls.
I live 7-8 hours away by public transport. They moved to where my Mum grew up but he deliberately alienated her family and stopped her from seeing them so is essentially on his own - a long story that's still very raw as Mum only passed 6 months ago.
His GPs hands are tied because he flatly refuses to give the Dr authority to talk to me and he only sees the GP when he is more 'lucid' so they haven't seen how he is 95% of the time (he avoids his GP anyway as he accuses him of conspiring to kill my Mum as part of his delusional paranoia) He also refuses all advised care packages as he does not see why he should pay, so I have no idea what he is up to as I cannot pop in to check on him nor are their daily carers keeping an eye on him.
He is currently in hospital for diabetes but the NHS have finally seen how bad he is really is including how he can suddenly become violent (security had to be called) etc.
He has been waiting over a week to see the promised Physiatrist. The care system for people like my Dad is in crisis and I have nightmares that he will be allowed back home.
I now have no choice but to apply to the Court of Protection though I know it will mean that he will hate me as he has major control issues (and trust me , he turns really nasty and has made death threats , malicious mail and phone calls for much lesser 'offences' ) The process is extremely daunting- so please try and get your parents to set up Power of Attorney- you think that you may have time but this is a condition that can go down hill frighteningly fast.....once this is settled I am setting one up - and I'm only 51 but I don't want my daughters going through this!

Hard as you may find this, I do think it's essential that you DO interfere. Receiving help doesn't happen overnight so it's important you set the wheels in motion now to avoid some sort of catastrophe in six months' time. Contact Social Services. Contact your Mum's GP. Contact all the wonderful organisations which give advice on dementia. And don't give up until you're satisfied that there is enough care in place to keep your mother safe and nourished 24 hours a day.

I do speak from experience. The first signs of my beloved mother's Alzheimer's were apparent to me when she was in her early 70s. My father, bless him, and other members of the family were in denial. But I ignored this and went ahead with trying to make plans for the future. I am so glad I did, because demnentia/Alzheimer's does not, currently, get better. You have to face facts and make contingency plans.

I wish you luck, and hope you and your mother receive some much-needed support asap.

Have you considered meals on wheels? They will use a key safe, and often a safer alternative to someone eating a barely microwaved meal (I was a carer and often encountered someone trying to eat them half frozen). That way you know she gets breakfast from carers and is eating midday. Leave lots of small packs of cakes/biscuits so it's not an intimidating amount of food, small trifles/cheesecakes if she has a sweet tooth. I've often done a breakfast visit and left out sandwich out for lunch with a small cake/bag of crisps. Cartons of fruit juice are good calories too, and easy to use. I wouldn't worry about what time she's eating, as long as food goes in it doesn't matter when.

My sympathy for all of with parents suffering from Dementia. My DM lives 300 miles from me & is almost 88. Currently she is well, forgetful but that comes with age, she eats well & is very sociable. She worries about Dementia, but I've heard it said if you worry about Dementia you haven't got it.

for all of you Carer's for family members

JaneEyre70 Meals on wheels are but a distant memory in this and many other areas. Nowadays MoW are a bulk delivery of Wilshire Farm Foods.

Maybe as some other Grans have suggested, more frequent visits from carers,and maybe sit down and keep her company while Mum eats. As long as she eats and enjoys, I dont think you need to worry to much about the calorie count, bananas and grapes are usually accepted, and easy to eat too.
Good Luck GracesGran MK2 your Mum is so lucky to have you, and you are so lucky to have her too. Hugs.

I used to buy packets of sandwiches for my mum as in the that's all she would eat apart from boiled eggs if o made them for her.

So sorry GracesGran that you are in this situation. I do think you are doing all you can. I agree that as long as your mum is eating something then you can't really worry too much. My dad has a big breakfast which he gets himself, late, then doesn't really want the lunch that either my sister or I go to give him, (also WFF).Neither does he eat the sandwich we leave for him for tea time unless it is really obvious. I think that left to himself he would live on cake, and who can blame him!

I just feel that at 88 his appetite just isn't that good, and that food is something that elderly people feel they have some control over, whether to eat or not.

Hope that you can take some reassurance from all the messages.

Oh dear Gracesgran*, it is such a worry. I think as long as she is eating something (and hopefully) enough it doesn't matter as long as she eats. Bananas, cereal and milk, nice shortbread perhaps?
My MIL did not have dementia but obviously had a problem with eating in her last year or so, which we did not realise because she was very good at hiding food. We would go as often as we could and have to clear out the fridge of gone-off food, would find half-eaten meals hidden away; she was obviously eating a lot of biscuits and cakes because there were lots of opened packets in the cupboard although she was supposed to have been diagnosed with diabetes.
My friend, whose gran lived until nearly 100, apparently survived on biscuits.

My MIL became a very slow eater and when she came to stay with us she seemed to enjoy sitting eating with the family but then would want to leave most of her food because she hadn't finished when the DC did, so I sat with her or washed up and chatted while she carried on eating and usually she finished it all.

Bit harsh Ana.

Does she like porridge?
www.quaker.co.uk/oat-and-porridge-product-range/breakfast-on-the-go/quaker-oat-so-simple-pots

and there is something called 'Weetabix on the Go'

For any time - not just breakfast!

Got much the same problem. She relies on carers and loves fish and chips which they get for her. They worry they are doing the right thing for her but I say at 94 years old have whatever takes your fancy. Chocolate is another favourite.

Also having problems with trying to get her to bed. Carers go in at 10 but it's too early for her so she refuses so it's an accident waiting to happen. Little monkey also tells us fibs that she's going to bed for carers and watching TV in bed and it's lovely. Carers ring and tell us the truth.

Blimey Tessa, just seen your post! I actually felt Gracesgran's response to mine was 'a bit harsh' and was quite hurt.

I didn't think you were at all harsh Ana, having the voice of experience and I think perhaps that GGMkII misunderstood what you meant.
However, I understood what you meant, having had to deal with both DM and MIL, particularly MIL when she was in hospital and lost an alarming amount of weight because she couldn't just eat what she felt like when she felt like it. She said they would just remove her food uneaten in hospital and then a couple of hours later she felt hungry for something like a sandwich but there was nothing.

MIL used to put to bed at 9 pm by carers TheBeeb; we arranged a late evening carer because we were so worried about her falling down the stairs. She told us she used to wait until they'd gone then come downstairs again.

Not harsh Ana.

Thank you, Jalima and kitty

Hi my gran had dementia and we are advised to leave signs in red pen, the brain links red to important must read so notes or labels in red she did remember to do or eat, breakfast bars had a label on eat me if hungry and the fruit bowl said eat me if hungry - we were given some other tips but it has been a while now I will ask my mum and share - the red pen worked well for medication too - she responded better to little signs than us interfering and coped very well with us and caters coming in and out (sometimes ate all the fruit and wasn't hungry for lunch but a balance was found)

Also we were told yet not to fret to much what they need in 'food fuel' is greatly reduced due to activity levels so a smaller amount goes a longer way

I agree with you Ana.I just think OP misunderstood what you were trying to say.

I looked after my FIL who had dementia and I figured that as long as he ate, then it really didn't matter when or what it was. Of course I tried to get him to eat nourishing food but chocolate biscuits were his favourite. Earlier in his life, he hadn't had a sweet tooth.

He lived with us until he became unmanageable and then he went into care.

Gracesgranmk2 I'm so sorry that you're going through such a difficult time. I hope you can find a solution to your worries. Gransnet is a great forum for getting lots of good and kind advice.

I have been over at mum's most of the day and, thanks to your posts, I think I am getting a clearer view if not an immediate solution. Just to put some of you in the picture, Mum (96) was diagnosed with dementia nearly six years ago now and (on suggestion from the memory clinic nurse) she is weighed each week. Not to see if she is a particular weight but just to check she is not loosing weight. I have been her main support from a couple of years before the diagnosis.

The bananas were well received so a good idea. Hopefully they will be eaten I am not sure mum had the cereal she has always insisted is "breakfast", always part of the same strict routine that she adheres to and relies on, but she had a rice pudding so that was OK. I think it is a bit more to do with not knowing the time than not wanting to eat. Until the last week or so she has known where to find the time (she has one of the large clocks that tell the time, the day and the date). I am really OK with her eating what she wants when she wants as, I am sure, anyone who is in the same position would be - the routines are her choice not one anyone makes for her.

So ... I am still looking for easy and recognisable things she will eat (she has tins of biscuits given as presents she just admires) but you have all lifted me along for which I am grateful. It help me lift her along too. Positive comment are all we can do for others sometime but you have all done that in spades - thank you.

I do hope this helps others too. I used to read the Alzheimer's forum and it did help to know others had faced similar and found some answers to the problems that arise.

Can you decant the biscuits into something plainer and let her use the tins for something else?

(not tupperware, my MIL always put the biscuits into tupperware and the DC used to moan to me about Grandma's soft biscuits - do we have to eat them?)

She may eat the bananas one week then not another but you could just dispose of them quietly and see how it goes, it is a waste but can't be helped sometimes.

Just going back through some posts. If I miss replying I will have read it and appreciated the time spent in posting but MY brain is a bit befuddled tonight{grin}

LinM48: you really begin to understand the problems of older people with complex issues that they talk about don't you. It sounds as if his current stay in hospital may get him the care he really needs. Poor you with that journey!

JayneEyre I don't think we have meals on wheels any more - it may have been outsourced but the WFF meals have worked really well up 'till now and mum manages by sticking to her routine. Her doctor is great and will call on the same day if we have a problem. There will be a way round this - it's often just finding it. Sadly, as you will know, the solutions you find eventually run out. She loves trifles! I will see if they come in similar pots to the rice and Corners [smile}

That is what I have done for the last few years Jalima(depose of them quietly). I think you learn very quickly not to opposes but just to encourage. If I am really stuck I will ask the Memory Clinic for advice. Biscuit-wise she will normally only eat digestives. I took some extra packets today to make sure that if that was all she wanted she had plenty and she was delighted with them.

kathryn489 I agree notes (and red is a great idea) can be great but sadly we have moved passed that stage. This is partly because her eyesight isn't good but mainly because she forgets the notes, or can't work out what they are all about and 'puts them away'. I usually come across them with the money she moves 'to a safe place'

Thank you for your kind thoughts CrazyDaisy. You are so right about GN being such a good place for advice.