Sensitive husband

Well, my husband now takes things literally since his strokes from which he made a good recovery and often takes things the wrong way, or indeed says insensitive things. So in company I walk on eggshells.
Personally I have had depression and anxiety and I go over and over things in my mouth nd at night and get upset out of proportion.
That said, u need coping strategies for both of you. Perhaps a time out sign or word so you can go before the conversation becomes more upsetting.

Typo. In my mind at nights I meant

My gp refuses to discuss my husband in any way with me unless he is there too even if I'm worried

A GP should be prepared to receive information about your husband but obviously cannot talk about your DH themselves because of confidentiality.
I wonder if your hubby is developing paraphrenia- a paranoid illness which can develop in older age. It is amenable to medication so worth having investigations/ diagnosis.

Sorry to hear about your difficulties ! It does seem as if your husband is suffering with some kind of paranoia which could respond to treatment ....if only he would seek it ! Like another post on here, my husband was diagnosed with front temporal lobe vascular dementia (mild) with narcissistic personality disorder, following his second mini stroke However, my problem is directly the opposite ! He is always right ...never listens to anyone, to the point of rudeness. We no longer have any friends, as he has told them all to go away ....In the beginning I would go and apologise to people for his behaviour...now I have no one left to apologise to ! He is slowly getting much worse ...now he does not understand what people are saying to him ...of course it is not his fault, but every one else's ! It comes to the point where I simply cannot take any more but what can I do > He was the life and soul of every party when I first met him when he was 68 and since then has renovated two houses driven hundreds of miles between Spain, the UK and all over France...I try to say to myself he must be very frustrated now by his inability (on medical grounds) at 84 to stop driving ,,he doesn't speak the language or understand anything, so all the dealings with authorities, medics. etc are down to me. Luckily I lived on my own bringing up my daughter so am used to dealing with everything ,,,but lack of friends or even family that bothers to contact him, is driving me insane !

Is there anyone who knows him well enough to treat what he says about them as a humerous thing ? Have you asked the people he says are saying nasty things about him what they actually said to him and what was his reaction ?

I am not an advocate of Dr Google, but sometimes you can find support from a group for people with your problems/his problems and a problem shared is a problem halved ......the mental health organisation MIND (not sure what it is called now) might be able to help .....or the Alzheimer society (they do not only deal with diagnosed Alzheimer disease) There are many types of paranoia and it does definitely seem that he has even maybe, a mild type perhaps

Good luck ...very hard for you and the family !

He sounds just like my dil's father. Not saying anything to the person who makes the remarks, but being angry with you when you do not see things the same way. Slowly but slowly he has told relatives including his own children that he does not want to see them anymore over the years but they are baffled as to why. He does not have dementia he just is of the opinion that he is right all the time and his wife should support him whether she agrees or not.

Sheila63
Seroxat - you could b talking about my DH.
It finally came to a 'see a doc or that's it' scenario. Seroxat was a godsend. He came off it twice and each time we reverted to tricksy egg shell situation. He's now on it for life thank goodness.

As he refuses to seek medical advice, the situation is unlikely to change so the only thing you can do is look after yourself and put your own happiness first.

Confide in your family and friends add say the situation is now unbearable and see if you are able to stay with any of them. When he starts his tantrums, first go into another room and ignore him. If that is not enough, then leave the house and sit in the car or walk the dog or whatever you can do to get away but you should refuse to be drawn into his paranoia or listen or respond to his ravings. If you have to, walk out and stay with your family or friends or in a cheap hotel/b&b for a day or two and say you will only return when his ravings have stopped. If you remove the audience, who is there to complain to? Only respond to him when he is being the 'funny and charming ' person you say he can be just like you would reward a child for good behaviour. If I was in your position that is what I would do because I would not want to lose my friends and family and live an unhappy life so I would put myself first.

Yes he has turned me into a nag and groaner I lay awake at night planning my leaving. However when I think of his family I can understand the way he is. Really I think with most men its in his D N A. I have wasted a lot of my breath and energy on him. Ive give up on him, its his loss. You really cannot teach an old dog new tricks. You have my sympathy,truly, I have put up with this for 47 years. I have gone on holidays abroad and in u k on my own many times and enjoyed them greatly, being able to chat or walk which way you want is wonderful. Try it you will come back refreshed and able to cope with his attitudes. Then when its getting you down again book another break or visit family. Get some respite from it. Good luck.

My DH does this too. He seems to take the least important part of a conversation and then blow it up out of all proportion. I am accused of "never being on my side", which can be difficult to deal with. I find I have to be precise in what I say otherwise it is misinterpreted. When it's explained to him that he has the wrong end of the stick and that wasn't what was meant at all, he usually sees it but is still aggrieved and feels people are not being quite honest about their earlier remarks. If I have a conversation with a man I'm chatting him up or he's after me. (I'm 71)! We've been together since we were 18 and he's always been the same - I pretty much ignore it all, but it can get embarrassing. We did an on-line test for Aspergers, seems like he's on the spectrum, but of course he doesn't agree. So I guess that's life and he's still my darling! After all, the Queen has to live with Prince Phillip, doesn't she?

Quizqueen...you are so right...I agree with you...
and Sheila63...he sounds like a Jeckyl & Hyde character,
unlikely to change...so challenge his childish behaviour by putting YOURSELF first...that way you'll ease into your own way of coping...
be sure to ignore his outbursts...you owe it to yourself as you are worth more than the life you have to put up with right now,

My SIL has a terrible problem with paranoia and he is also very jealous. My poor daughter has lost most of their joint friends and only sees her friends on her own. He has fallen out with us, not sure why but think he feels inferior as our other daughter has a lot of money. He thinks everyone should apologise to him and he brings up situations from years ago. Think they are heading for divorce. I think you need to get some help for your husband and hopefully you can make him see sense.

I also wondered about the autistic suggestion - my DS and DH are both over-sensitive to what they see as "criticism", going OTT at even gentle teasing. DS was diagnosed in childhood as Aspergers, and I suspect that DH (and potentially also myself - always regarded as "odd") would have been diagnosed eith it, had it existed in the 50s-60s. It can be very mild and manageable - little more than a label, but it does mean that you can accept that it is a recognised condition and there are coping mechanisms available.

What an insightful lot you all are! A heartfelt thanks to everyone for your messages of support. There's some great advice there for me to think about and I don't feel quite so alone in this any more. It's a big step to tell our adult children (my husband doesn't want them to know and has repeatedly made me promise never to tell them) but I think I will have a word with our GP and see where that takes me.

Thanks again everyone!