My Grans unannounced daily visits

Judy park you are very correct! She does believe she is exactly the things you describe.. My husband will get two weeks paternity so he will be here to help me.. My My Gran won't care who entertains her as long as my son is there.. Her and my Grandad tell me openly that they are only visiting to see my son, apparently he lifts their depression.. Over the years my Gran and Grandad have been very good to me but as I've got older I've started to recognise that all the family trouble has began with my Gran and I've sort of held her accountable for her behaviour.. She is very fickle and believes that because she has favoured me that I should defend her and be loyal to her above all else but she does things that I just can't morally tolerate and this is why there is now a battle between us x

Cherry tree I tried the other day to tell them I hadn't seen a programme they were yapping about, I said 'oh I've not seen that but I don't get much time to watch tv' and they looked at my like I grew horns.. My house is spotless, my washing is always up to date and the kids are looked after but apparently I do nothing but rest.. She wouldn't take that seriously unless it was my argument against someone else imposing on me every day x

How old is your Gran? Her complete disregard for normal social behaviour suggests she may be exhibiting early symptoms of dementia. It's easy to attribute annoying behaviour to being awkward in old age when it might actually be down to changes in the brain. It shouldn't be your responsibility to deal with it. Get your Mum involved - she should be concerned about both her mother's behaviour and its effect on you.

Tidyskatemum she is 75.. I did think the same as you but other things wouldn't suggest any problem with her brain.. I've kept a look out and her senses are still there.. She doesn't forget anything and her mind is still rather devious.. I'm afraid there is no excuse except she's an awkward human x

In that case it's time to put up the barriers! Though I still think your Mum should get involved, wherever she lives.

My Mum lives in a different city to us and isn't really in a position to get involved.. My Mum and I aren't very close so my Gran would take no notice of her if she tried to say anything.. X

I can see how difficult it is for you. I can only offer my sympathy and best wishes. You have to do what is best for you and your family and if that means offending your gran so be it. If she has no-one else to pester she might come to realise that she has to modify her behaviour. We can only hope! don't feel guilty.

Take charge of the things you can take charge of - reading your mail and your phone is inexcusable. Keep your phone on you AND password protected and your mail shut away - if it arrives when she's there, take it away and say you'll open it later. Have an empty calendar on the wall and keep the one you write on in your bedroom.
Now would be a good time to tell her that when you have the baby, you'll need some peace and quiet so you'll let her know when you're up for visitors. Unfortunately, if your husband won't support you, then things are unlikely to improve.
Best wishes.

" Sorry, Gran, can't stop I am going to the shops, to see a friend , to the doctor's , just dashing out…….." Lots of excuses . Anything. How difficult though .

Move house !

Effectively she's controlling your life. I'd sit her down and tell her that while you appreciate her visits to your son, you are finding every day too much and that YOU will have to reduce her visits to once a week. Make sure you take control of the situation. Then go out or have visitors for the next few days so that she takes the hint. Have you got a parent that can back you up? Yes it's difficult but you don't need to cut her out completely. She might try hard to undermine your decision for a while but don't feel guilty - you aren't banning her from your home completely; you just want a life!! Best of luck.

I feel for you Thistlerose and I am sorry to say that I don't think this is going to get any better without at least some confrontation. If she doesn't take hints as in 'this is not a good time' you might jsut have to ask her to leave. Do you trust her with taking the little one out? If she insists that's why she is there then suggest she can take him to the playground or something but that 'right now i'd like to be alone and I can't just ignore the fact that you are in the house.' If you don't trust her with your son just say the same thing without first offering for her to take him out...

Print out this post and leave it somewhere she can find it. Be ready for an explosion but it may solve your problem!!

I think what you really mean is that you love her but dislike her behaviour - a phrase to use when she gives you the opportunity to reply.

Try to think of positive things she has done so you can quote these - taking an interest in your son, etc.

Good luck.

She sounds ghastly and maybe a bit lonely. Probably due to her behaviour, I'm sure non family members are subjected to the same treatment. Just because she is old it doesn't give her carte blanche to behave this way. Your husband needs to man up too. Invite her over and you both tell her that there are some rules she going to have to go along with. You need to get angry with her too and chuck her out. What have you to lose.
Failing that , lock all the doors and put bars on your Windows or build a moat loaded with crocodiles.

She is basically a bully. Ask yourself what's the worst case scenario and she never spoke you again, how would you feel ? I personally would have to tell her, in a letter if needs be, just how much she is distressing you. You have a right to feel happy and in control in your own home. If we don't deal with people like this, we are enabling them to continue to control us. Some people are so thick skinned they have no idea how much distress they cause. Good luck ..

thistlerose1 Are you really looking for a solution or just an (understandable) opportunity to sound off about your grandmother? I ask this because OP's on this thread have offered every solution possible and your response is always to say that it cannot be implemented.

So sit down in a quiet place and ask yourself whether you are really looking for a solution.

If the answer is yes, then you have got to steel yourself and deal with it face-on. You say that your gran has had problems with other family members, so it is clear that they have dealt with it. Now it is your turn. Tell her that you will be happy to see her on specific days of the week between certain hours but cannot cope with her coming on other days. Make it clear that if she comes at any other time she will not be welcome and not allowed in.

If she comes at other times, and she will, meet her at the door and tell her firmly that the day and time are wrong and she cannot come in. If necessary keep all doors closed and locked and even with curtains drawn if she is too persistence.

It will be hard, wearing and,possibly embarrassing, but if you really want to solve the problem that is what you are going to have to do.

Hi, why don't you try writing everything down in an old fashioned letter to her? You can control everything this way. I wish you luck x

I think I would try a letter too, plus curtains/blinds so she can't see in, and locked doors. With some people you have to really make the message strong and unbreachable before they 'get' it. Even then, she might not get it but she will be prevented from pushing her way, unwanted, into your private space. Good luck.

Speak to her firmly saying she is only to come round when invited.
Repeat this firmly. It is very rude to harass someone like this and she should be made aware of this. Be polite but firm.
Stand your ground.
Explain that with an arranged visit you will be able to enjoy her company more.
If absolutely necessary threaten her with a restraining order.

I'm sorry, but really there is only one answer to this and it's very simple, she is nothing but a bully and there is only one way to deal with a bully and that is to stand up to them. So just tell her to "F* off, and not darken your doorstep again till she is prepared to respect your boundaries."

You can put it as politely as you like, but make it absolutely clear to her that you have boundaries and she is not welcome, unless she is prepared to respect those boundaries, which include that you don't want to see her everyday and she must negotiate a visit with you before she turns up, because at the moment she has TOTAL control of your life and that simply isn't right.

It might be that you don't want to confront her directly, in which case send her a letter, and outline your feelings in that letter, then disappear somewhere with your children for a few days so she can't ambush you until you are ready to deal with her directly.

If and when she does then show up without negotiating a visit don't let her in, just lock the doors and ignore her completely.

Why have you allowed it to get to this stage? I would have told her off the very first time I caught her checking my phone or reading my mail.........what has your thinking been? Are you on GN for advice? Seems odd that you are here and not MN. Sounds to me as if you are as much to 'blame' for want of a better word as she is, you are an adult, where are your boundaries?

Put your post away and keep your phone in your handbag, take some control over the way things are going. Surely you set boundaries with your children, set them with her.

If it really is as bad as you say, then lock the doors and let her stand outside until she gets the message. You DH seems able to take this in his stride and it is as much of an invasion of his privacy as it is of yours, he even thinks you may reproach yourself later of you are too harsh with her now.

Is she on GN? Is this a way flagging up your feelings to her by coming on here?

You have always had the means to prevent her reading your mail or looking at your phone, you have chosen not to take action, if it worried me that much I'd be putting them away. You can't say nothing and do nothing and still feel the injured party.

Mums when old, are often like this because they had control when their children were younger and never quite kick the habit, did your gran raise you ? However my advice would be the same then, put stuff out of harm's way and lock the doors until you want her to come in.

I feel as if there is more to this than you say and am bemused as to why you are on a page for grans

You are pregnant and someone is stressing you out. If you can't put yourself first then, when can you.
You know that she won't take hints and you know that you can't carry on as things are and that she will take offence when you deal with it. I think that you just have to accept that that is going to happen and be tough. When she turns up don't open the door fully. Say 'I'm sorry, I'm too busy for visitors now, I'll let you know when we can see you'. Be polite, firm and repetitive but don't let it go too long before you close the door. Then be prepared for the fallout. If she turns up the next day, remind her that you said that you would let her know when you had time for a visit.
The most important thing is to be tough - and you may have to be that with your husband too. If necessary, remind him that he should be protecting you from stress, not just ignoring it and that you expect his support whatever her reaction. No one has the right to walk over you.
Good luck.

I have an aunt thats even worse than you describe about your gran. She was my mothers sister, but they were never in contact as my aunt was above everyone else. I had not seen her for 50 years when she turned up on my doorstep to tell me she was moving to be closer to me. She came at a time of her life when her husband had died and she was looking for someone to be her "carer". In the end I had to tell her in no uncertain terms that I would not take on the role of a "carer". With that she left the neighbourhood and went to live near my cousin at the other side of the country!! Haven't heard from her since.

Radicalnan you seem a little angry at me and I have no idea why? I'm not familiar with what MN is and when I googled this site came up.. I will leave this site as I didn't realise it was for Grans, I got the impression it was Grans giving advice and thought you guys could keep me right as my issue is my Gran, not my Mum like you suggest!! No my Gran didn't bring me up and not once have I said that she has read my mail or phone more than once!! I am not stupid, I obviously don't make these things available for her to get her hands on.. No she isn't on this site either.. Like I said if I lock the door she comes round to the back where my patio doors are in my livingroom, I am six months pregnant with a split pelvis so forgive me for not being able to high tail it out of here before I'm spotted.. you can feel as much as you like that there is more to the story but I wasn't willing to blurt out EVERYTHING as it wasn't really relevant but basically I'm scared to confront her because she isn't a normal person, I am controlled by her because I'm aware that I don't have anyone else but I don't want her everyday.. It was stupid to post as I see now that I know what I've to do but I just can't make myself do it.. I'm not like this with anyone else!! Thank you all for your time and advice.. I will start working myself up to getting control back Thank you

You sound like you are a product of your upbringing; she's impressed upon you that she is to be obeyed and any thing to the contrary will be met with bad behaviour and bullying. Do you really want to change things? If so, focus on the things you can do, stop telling yourself things won't work. Tell her outright that you need space, brook no arguments. All her reasons can be met with a firm, "I'm sorry but this is my decision and I am not going to change my mind." Take all threats with a pinch of salt saying, "that's your prerogative." Make sure you have in your mind what it is you do want and don't give an inch. The only way you'll do this is to stand firm. It comes easier with practice. I've learned to do this because I had the same sort of upbringing and I was terrified the sky would fall in if I tried to change things. It doesn't. You'll find there will be a period of emotional struggle and then things will settle down if you don't allow yourself to get involved in the argument.

Icanhandthemback thank you.. That is a massive help, it's helpful to hear from someone that's had the same kind of background.. It's very scary lol, I'm not scared by anything else so I can see how ridiculously weak I sound.. I will speak to her next time she pops in and just lay it out.. Thank you