My Grans unannounced daily visits

Is she capable of looking after your son?. IDF so say you are in so much pain the doctor has prescribed painkillers that make you sleepy and disappear off to bed.That way she's happy and you don't have to put up with her

Thistlerose, maybe MN will be able to support you with all sorts of pregnancy advice too as they are still in the thick of all that stuff. This is a site for grans and we do like to help people but you seem very anti being helped.

I asked if gran brought you up because she was described as being rather like some mums, unable to see their child as a grown up and separate entity.

I am not angry at all, merely curious, you seen very defensive which makes me feel that, as someone lse observed, yu re not really here for a solution, just a vent. That is fine too but MN might be more 'up your street' as it were.

You seem quite feisty, I am sure you can keep the door closed if you want to.

I'm afraid you're going to have to bite the bullet and stop her from dominating your life. It's your home, so you decide what behaviour is acceptable there. Yes, she'll probably be upset, but the truth can be painful, and you'll certainly feel better at having cleared the air. If she wants to continue to visit, it must be on your terms. If she doesn't, so be it... Her choice and her baggage. Don't offer to carry it for her...

I don't think it's fair to have to drag three kids out just so the opening posters Grandmother will leave her alone for a few days, your home should be your sanctuary and the Grandmother is making this poor girl's home life a nightmare! I'm not being funny but she sounds like the type to come back again later on anyway.

Does she turn up when you are trying to have your evening meal too? I think only a confrontation is going to solve this problem. I would write a letter if you don't feel you can talk to her and tell her that you love her but her daily visits are smothering you and you need some space. Ask if she can cut her visits to once a week or something and at a time of YOUR choosing.

I would do the dying duck thing and droop all over the place and sit down and ask her to make you a cup of tea / wipe the floor / hang out the washing / weed the garden ........

Thistlerose

As others have said, you need to take the b***h by the horns.

If she does not have dementia or other condition, eg mental health, causing this behaviour, then you need to stand up to her, and your grandfather for enabling her.

Your other children have learnt to avoid her. You son is very young, but when he starts learning to communicate, I am very worried she will try to turn him against you since they seem fixated on him.

Act now!

I just want to wish you all the best Thistlerose. My mother was like that but thankfully too far away to drop in, instead demanding I make the 70mile each way journey to her. Sometimes every other day.

I too knew that I should stand up to her but any time that I did there were tears and tantrums and long silences. That should have made me happy but instead make me feel undutiful and ungrateful. These things are driven into us as children and all my siblings suffered the same feelings of guilt. The grandchildren bar one, whose oriental wife insisted on duty visits and put up with her rudeness) would only visit if we issued a three line whip for a birthday party or whatever.

I hope you get the strength to deal with your Gran but a word of warning, I remember after my mother died a great sense of relief that during her last 20 years (she died at nearly 94) I had always done my best for her in spite of myself.

Suggestion from other half here was to sit around with nothing on . When she arrives just say sorry you are busy and she can't come in.

Thistle rose, You are not ridiculously weak . It's very difficult to deal with family. You will sort this out I'm sure.

Thistlerose your Gran sounds very like my mum in her need to be in control. All my life I have shied away from confrontation because of the inevitable tantrums, tears and vicious comments. She expects to know everything that everyone does, but if we do tell her, she immediately sucks the joy out of anything by coming out with a negative comment.

Anyway, bit by bit I have regained control. We will never be close, and I know she believes this to be my fault, but I can live with that. She's 88 now, and I know she will never change, but visits to her are a duty, not made out of love. If this makes me a terrible daughter, so be it, but that's how it is, and I feel so much stronger for standing up to her more, and for telling her things she might not want to hear.

Your situation will not change until you make inroads on regaining control. Small steps will lead to bigger ones, and you will grow a thicker skin millimeter by millimeter. No-one has the right to bully you. Start by asking her to phone you before she comes - it won't be easy - then you can tell her you're busy. When she turns up - as she will - you have the perfect right to say you told her you were busy and haven't got the time to see her. Close. The. Door. (with a smile)

I wish you all the best, but for your sanity's sake, you must beat this. Let us know how it goes!

Know exactly how u feel! In every respect, been there! I can't handle confrontation so I couldn't have it out with a member of family on husband s side. I eventually hid in bedroom when I saw her coming! Not an adult way of handling it. I think I'd go down the route of dr says I've to be very quiet and not have visitors, even family. But I know she d ignore this, so I'd need to send a note keeping a copy, saying ." I've been advised by dr to have a very quiet time with lots of rest so I'm writing to everyone telling them not to pop round, but arranging one day a week for each visitor. Your day is ....... from 10-12 or what suits u. I know u want to give my new baby the best chance and will respect this. I'll see you on ..... for your visit. " but keep a copy as she ll tell her version to everyone. Once the baby is born, you can reassess. Maybe go for an hours rest while she babysits, taking your phone and any mail to the bedroom with you. Good luck! You do need to nip it in bud now to avoid future stress, it's not nice but needs to be done. Good luck.

Thistlerose Mums Net is probably better for you as they have gran troubles, whereas few of us grans, have grans now.

I re read your thread and remain puzzled. Do you have a small son and no secure side gate? I would get that sorted asap, you don't want him out and about, especially when you have new baby and will be tired.

Mums netters are dealing with all the things you describe.....many a saga on there about loft extentions too and new babies and cesarean sections (I assume that is your autumn op, I had one emergency one, my daughter has had 3 planned ones) MN has all sorts of advice and support for people coping with those things.

Like GN it is company too and welcome in the wee small hours of the morning when you can't sleep with a new baby but need a quite contact to chat to.

This is dreadful. No one wants the same visitor every day even if you like them and it should have been nipped in the bud at the beginning. Why did you choose to live so close to her in the first place? Instead of converting your loft you should consider moving!

You need to start taking back control- put a lock on the gate so there's no access round the back and don't answer the front door. If there's no gate then lock the patio doors and if she knocks then just say ( through the window) you are busy today and you will see her another time and leave that room so she can't see you. If she phones say the same.

It's very rude of her to openly favour one grandchild over another. You need to tell her you are finding her daily visits too much and you will invite her round when you have time to entertain her. Does she actually help out with the toddler when she is there? If you are feeding her or giving her drinks then stop doing that and don't engage in conversation about your personal affairs.

And, to continue, keep reassuring yourself you are doing this for you and ur baby s health.

She is being totally and utterly unreasonable.Lock your doors, get a blind for patio windows and close them.Go upstairs and hide or open a window & shout down to her from up there. tell her you need quiet & peace as your blood pressure is up; Doc's orders.Say you're resting,or going out & in a hurry & shut the window.Ignore phone calls. Do the 1471 to check the number. Hide your mail, post, mobile. I know you shouldn't have to.
How often can you let your DH take the brunt? I think he'd soon come round to your way of thinking.Tell her to read the loneliness section on Grans net or print it off and give her it.Would she recognise herself if you left these messages up on your screen when she's round?Can you get a new mobile number?
If she's uninvited is she legally trespassing?! (not very nice of me).There are books on assertiveness.I hope you keep well.

Show her this thread

I have just posted on Gransnet but didn't have room to say that i too had a whole set of in-laws like her so some of those tactics I used. I wasn't very assertive and always resented them & never got on a good footing with them. DH no good of course.
What about asking her how she'd like to be remembered?!

Is there a way to stop her coming round the back? A locked gate maybe? I understand how you feel as my granny came to LIVE with us when I was eleven. She treated my mum like a child, having her run here and there doing chores. She would run her finger over the furniture and say "has this place been dusted?" She blamed me for getting teenage acne, saying it was because I was always cuddling the cat near my face. I could go on .....

thistletose first of all don't take offence sometimes the written word can be interpreted differently to how it was meant and I m sure people of any age can ask for help so hang around
As someone who didn't used to be very assertive this is my advice for what it's worth However you normally contact your nan phone, mobile, text Just contact her in your normal way and say you won't be in much this coming week and you don't want her to have a wasted journey but you d love to see her on (whatever day you choose) for a cup of tea and a chat Then you lock all the doors including the patio and either go out go to a friend's or retreat to the bedroom until you hear her go away YOU HAVE TO BREAK THE CYCLE and then stick to it Once a week or whatever you feel able to enjoy and stay completely strong You are not being rude you are not wiping her out your life but you must make the move in what ever way is comfortable for you and stick to it completely
I used to find writing to the person much easier than face to face so that would be my chosen way

I agree with what advice has been given thistlerose. I would imagine you came onto this site simply as it is for grans and you hoped for help from a gran's point of view.
Don't give up on it. My cousin's daughter, 32, comes on as she says she finds many comments useful as coming from a different angle from her peers.

Physically remove your phone from her hand and snatch away anything of yours that she is reading. Contrive to catch her doing it. And tell her 'not to do that', it's private. And walk away. Don't justify or engage.

Physically removing yourself is also an idea but a)not that practical or convenient and b) why should you be driven out of your own house.

Not letting her in is the challenge but do it letting her know when she CAN visit. She will test it and you absolutely must stick to the day/s you've given her. Otherwise you'll be back to square one. Good luck and stay strong

Thank you all so much for your help, it's filled me with strength to hear that so many have had an issue with asserting themselves, you have helped me realise that I am not being unreasonable.. There are definitely some lucky grandchildren out there xx

Radicalnan you on the other hand should understand my Gran because you seem just like her.. Yes I have a young son, I however said nowhere that I had an insecure side gar but it suits you to go off on a tangent of unsolicited advice.. I have a back gate, in case you aren't aware there is a massive height difference between an 18 month old and a grown women, unfortunately Granny can reach the lock.. As for MN I don't think it's somewhere 'better' for me as I was looking for a perspective from my Grans age group or I could just speak to my own friends.. I also don't feel like I need any 'sagas' on my loft conversion as I've hired professionals to deal with it but thank you for your concern.. Also your assumption of a c-section is incorrect but thank you again for assuming that you MUST know everything.. I've also had a previous c-section so know what to expect.. The other dear ladies don't seem to have an issue with my post so I kindly ask that you just ignore me from now on.. You are right when you say I'm feisty but it's a different scenario when emotions are involved!!

This is a bit drastic but you can instruct the medical and nursing staff not to allow certain people in at the birth. I assume you will have surgery because of your condition. It is your right to say who will be present at the birth. You can explain in confidence why you do not want her there if necessary. It would probably be a bit mean to exclude her from visiting on the ward if you are kept in after the birth but at least it is a limited time. You can say to the staff you are too tired for anyone other than your husband.
After the birth and when you are at home, her help could prove useful as another poster suggested by keeping your 18 month occupied while you get a daily rest. Given you are pregnant, I don't think I would engage in too fierce an argument to get her to stay away. Leave it until after the birth and you are fully recovered. You will have the energy for it then.
Can you enrol the 18 month in a play/nursery group and get her to take him? Until you feel strong enough for the fight, give her tasks to do while there. If she is fit to be left with the toddler take that opportunity to do your shopping. "I'll be back by ..o'clock. Thanks for staying with him. By the way, all the ingredients for tonight's meal are in the kitchen. Could you whip it up for me?" It is amazing how people sometimes find they can't come all the time when given work to do.
It strikes me she is lonely/bored/thinks she hasn't a lot of time left. If you genuinely feel you will regret your feelings when she has gone then change your mindset towards the visits, (not easy to do) and involve her with things to do. If your husband is around when she is going suggest he runs her home. It is amazing how inconveniencing others can make a difference to the problem.
Once your children are all at school and older you are much more free to do what you please and the problem will sort itself.

You're not alone. There are many grans like yours, although generally older. A friend of mine once phoned me sitting on her bathroom floor as it was the only window in her bungalow that her mum couldn't see in!

The Mumsnet lot are quite feisty and will give you the support you need - even if it means going No Contact for a while. That's horrible, but may be necessary to get through to her. It sounds like you're too nice!