How can you find what makes you happy

Serkeen I think you are very wise indeed. And the realisation that happines is not to be found in other people is a tough one to accept - till you have to. Sometimes we can forget we have any needs when all our needs are about looking after others. But when they leave and no longer need you - that can be de-stabling to say the least! I think lots of us have been there. And that is the glory of gransnet we have all been round at least one block or other. and for starters you need a project of your own...

What is happiness I don't know, whatever makes you happy
maybe, we are all different in our own way searching for something. It could be nature, a new gc, a pub lunch and a nice walk in the country side, stroll along the beach.
Reading a good book, etc etc.
I wake up every day and hope it's a good day for my family and me.

In my view, to be happy, you have to know who you are, what you want and what motivates you. If you're lucky, and those around you encourage you to be your own person, it comes early in life. Not everyone is so lucky though.

Happiness catches one unawares and is difficult to find by seeking.

However, there are some practical pointers to feeling more positive and 'up'.

Your physical state is very connected to your mental state so:-

-know your low points (mornings, afternoons, bedtime etc.) and find some way to allay the blues. I am cortisone-angsty in the morning as many are and breakfast and knowing this both help

-if you feel low it might well be a virus or some 'bug' approaching

-eat properly

-walking (and other forms of exercise) are brilliant at producing endorphins and making you feel better

-read a cheerful book or watch a cheery film. Anything to make you laugh

Other things you can do or watch out for:-

-structure your day and have proper meal breaks

-ceremony is satisfying. Set the table properly. Buy flowers

-get outdoors as much as you can. The light level helps and nature makes you happier

-try to take pleasure in ordinary tasks. I listen to storytapes or Radio Four Extra dramas while I am ironing

-find the pleasure and joy in small things:- a cat, flowers, clouds

-focus yourself outwards and do not allow yourself to brood. Distraction is an excellent way to avoid depression so read, listen, watch, act

-don't expect to be happy all the time. When you are especially miserable say, 'This will pass'

-if there is something or someone preventing you from being happy try to change it. OFSTED terror made my life a misery so I stopped teaching and never looked back even though I am poor

-Do the 'happiness audit'. Think of the things in your life you can be grateful for and which you do like. We live in the most free, best country in the world with benefits and pensions and free healthcare. We are the fifth in terms of GDP and have the most astonishingly beautiful countryside and coastline. Our old buildings are amazing. Every village has a church. Compare that with the life of a woman born in village India

-happiness is often down to personality type. Some people are extraverted and jolly, some not. There are some benefits to being serious in which to take pleasure

-read the brilliant advice the Gransnetters have posted here!

I too had a husband who dragged me down, my life was so unhappy with nothing to look forward to. I divorced him and felt like a huge weight had been lifted and was cross with myself for giving him so many chances. I now laugh, have fun, make bucket lists and have such a different outlook on life .... totally free to be me and follow my heart.

I know I'm not the first to pick-up on what you said about putting others before you. About trying to please others. Mawbrown mentioned you having a facial, buying yourself a treat etc. And I agree with her.

What doing something a little special for yourself will help you with is putting Yourself first. I'm guessing you don't put yourself first often and have never had the opportunity to work on your self worth. Your human value (of which you have more than you realise).

Reading your posts I feel very sad. As others on here mention Happiness isn't an easy emotion to connect with especially as we get older after years of ups and downs.

Sometimes it's a long time between that Happiness feeling and it doesn't seem to last as long as it once did.

If I'm reading your post right you don't seem to have had much happiness in your life and I do think that recognising happiness is harder when one hasn't had much experience of happiness.

For lots of people sadness and loneliness do seem to be able to hijack positive feeling and make it hard to recapture pleasant thoughts and feelings so it's a human thing and plenty of us can empathise with you.

I'm also guessing that like so many women of a certain age (of which I'm one) you were brought up to be "Useful" not "Valuable". Reading your post I'm sure you are a very useful person with many skills and abilities, most of which I bet even you don't recognise and value, you're not on your own with that either.

However, if no-one else tells you, shows you or lets you know in anyway YOU ARE VALUABLE. How would you know if you are valued. I bet you're good at showing others that you value them, even if it's by "Doing" things for them.

I have no way of knowing and I could be so wrong. But...
It seems to me that you know at a vey deep level that you are not "Valued" even your usefulness isn't valued. If I'm anywhere close finding any kind of happiness must be hard so you are doing better than I would.

You must be a strong person, it must be like living in an atmosphere where "YOU" Don't Exist. Where the you who lives inside often wonders if there will be any happy times.

All I can say is I am in awe of your ability to keep going, you are a better woman than me, I'd have crumbled long ago.

One of the peps who responded suggested you have some counselling and I hope you can do that.

Goodness knows you deserve support and I'm sure counselling would be of value to you and would also be a clear sign to yourself that you value and support yourself.

Good Luck with finding some happiness and as many here have said, find it in the small things first, get used to the feeling, build on it, remember it and hold it to yourself to help you through the sadness.

You have the right to BE here.
You have the right to BE Happy.
You have the right to BE You.

You are a "HumanBeing" not just a "HumanDoing"

Hoping you find some happy.

So sorry to read this........ I too found myself in your position some years ago. One of your answers has already stated happiness has to come from within and that is true. Yet how can we find it within? For myself I used EFT. Emotional Freedom Technique. I'd heard about it, read up on what Gary Craig and Nick Ortner had to say about it (2 very important people in the EFT field) and began tapping on why I felt so unhappy......basically asking my own body/mind why I felt like this.......by paying attention to the thoughts that also surfaced when doing it, which I then had to tap on too......I found myself a year later, a much changed, happier person....and that change of attitude is still with me today, 20 years later. I do hope you try it......God bless.

Serkeen
Depressed ?you say not as such .
I believe depressed is what you are.
You don't want unhappy thoughts so what are these unhappy thoughts that are still lingering.?
You need to be able to talk to someone, qualified, who will bring out all the issues that appear to be holding you back from what you call happiness.

Depression. See GP, + community mental health team.

It sounds horribly Polyanna-ish, but it really helps me to write down something that gives me a flash of joy, and stick it in a jar. Then when I'm feeling low, I fish out one or two and re-read them. Generally it's something very simple, like seeing a buzzard or a hare; and the memory is usually enough to lift my mood.

It is impossible to be the source of everyone else's happiness & wellbeing, I have at last learnt that & I really hope that you can to, this doesn't mean that you stop being there for others, but that you MUST make the same time & consideration for yourself . You are no more or less important than any one else. You need to be as good a friend to yourself as you would others. Ask yourself what advice would you give to someone who felt like you do.write in a book a list of what you like about yourself, a list of what you don't like. Set aside time every day dedicated to you & no one else to do what you want to do , even if this is staring out of the window for half an hour. And if you find yourself volunteering your services instantly someone has a problem, stop go away & think it through then if you still want to assist go ahead ,a bit like the old traffic advert, stop, look, listen , think, before proceeding , good luck, treat yourself as you would treat others, you are just as worthy

I am moved by what you say Serkeen - and hope that what you've read from others here has helped. My own thoughts are , that our lives are both light and shade, but it is easy nowadays to believe we 'should' be happy much of the time. There is no 'should' about it, and we do experience happy as well as sad feelings; trying to somehow get rid of feelings doesn't seem to work. But we can look with awareness , though not with judgement of good or bad, at our thoughts , and ask ourselves if they are true. Our thoughts seem to us to be how the world is, but actually many of them are not the truth when we look at them with a willingness to challenge them and be open and honest. Letting go unhelpful and untrue thoughts can help more than you may at the moment believe, but be ready to relax and smile when the old thoughts come back. Resist blaming yourself when that happens; it takes time to change habit patterns in our brains and minds, and feelings follow our thoughts.
Many people feel happier if they walk most or many days of the week - for half an hour or preferably a bit longer, and some of it to be brisk. Walking helps lift our mood and we evolved to be out of doors under the sky - walking works well for our brains as well as bodies.
People also often feel better if they do volunteer work for others - but if you do, it is not helpful to be driven too strongly by the wish to be good, but to do it with an open heart.
You may find this book interesting and helpful: do not be put off by its odd title! It is Counselling for Toads by Robert de Board. The Toad in the title, is Toad of Toad Hall, from the The Wind in the Willows, and it is easy to read. If you've not read The Wind in the Willows, it doesn't really matter. It helps understand what goes on in our thoughts and what we can do to be freer and more fully ourselves. There are other books I find very helpful too, including a fairly new one called The Power of Meaning by Emily Esfahazi (I may have got this bit of her name wrong) Smith.
Serkeen, along with so many others I wish you well.

Serkeen, you and I have so much in common. Reading your posts, it occurred to me that your position is exactly the same as mine, I am deeply unhappy, abused in the emotional sense, and reading what you have written, I could have written exactly the same. I have been married 39 years; my second marriage. My first ended when my husband committed suicide in the car in the garage if our home, I found him with the engine running.
I so wish like you, I could find true happiness. I too am a worrier, and do exactly as you, always helping others, putting others before myself etc. Unfortunately I think it is taking its toll on my health, nothing major just niggly ailments, fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis of the thumb/wrist joints raynauds etc!
Thanks for reading. If you live anywhere near London we could meet up! ?Hugs and compassion for you, you sound like a really lovely person, I wish you well.x

Ethelwolf i did enjoy your poem. Thank you.

I think there are times in our lives when we're not happy - and it may not be obvious why.

I have felt like this on and off for the last two years or so, I kind of lost my way but am now finding my way back to happiness.

I have followed mindfulness most days:- appreciating the smallest of things such as the smell of freshly mown grass; a walk along an old path; looking up at the sky and seeing different patterns; hearing the wind rustling through trees; etc. This has certainly lifted me no end.

I have also taken up a new hobby (I have others but they were becoming a bit stale), calligraphy and started writing to people rather than by email or social media. It gives me immense pleasure. I am creating my own Christmas/greeting cards too.

Don't worry about 'who you are' for now, get your good thoughts in order and answers will follow. I wish you all the best xx

The only happy all the time person I know is on anti depressants and has been for years. DH thinks it dangerous to go on anti depressants but this friend ups the dose . Her family are worried about the amount of pills she takes but they are her prop. I believe that depression in old age is significant and your gp I'm sure would be sympathetic. People advise making a break but the hoohaa of splitting finances and distressing family often makes people reluctant to do so. If you are depressed even the hassle of booking a facial can be too much.

So true stansgran; I had serious depression some years ago which culminated in being hospitalised for 3 months. Before that a doctor I talked to suggested going to visit a close friend, who lived a direct train journey away, but he might as well have suggested flying to the moon, I simply could not have done it.

Serkeen I relate to a lot of what you have said and feel so sorry that you are going through this. To appreciate the small pleasures in life you need to have your mood lifted a bit, please do go to see your GP.

I agree with mernice that a Buddhist approach can put things n perspective. I stumbled upon a course of meditation classes at the Buddhist centre near me. It was just when I was feeling a bit fed up and I found the sessions really helpful, in putting things in perspective and offering a different slant on life. Like others I don't think the expectation of utter happiness is realistic but little things can improve contentment. If there is a meditation centre near you it might be worth a try.

So many wise things said here - nothing to add. I hope all of us who've read the thread can take something from it and recognise and cherish those happy moments when they come.

Serkeen, how are you today? Is it possible to leave ? What do you think today?

I wonder Serkeen if you are trying so hard to make others happy, that you have forgotten your own needs. It sounds to me like you are emotionally exhausting yourself by trying to be as good as possible.
Also, can I please ask if there are times when deep down, underneath your kindness, you perhaps resent the feeling that you have to try and make others happy?
I truly think Serkeen that you are neglecting your own needs and I think that you need to start thinking of yourself and give yourself some much needed TLC too.
In the meantime ???????? some emojis that I hope will make you smile.

It seems to me you are bored with everything more than unhappy. You need some challenges. Write a list of what makes you happy and what makes you unhappy and take it from there. I sometimes feel there is nothing more I can do...so I write the list and challenge myself ....it doesn't have to cost money. If there are things on the list that involve other people making you unhappy...then do what you can to change it. I did this 6 months ago with an acquaintance. She had just moved to the neighbourhood so she obviously needed to make some friends..naturally I befriended her and invited her to help me on my coffee morning bric-a-brac stall...she eventually started to take over and give me orders! I had to bite my tongue so many times. As time went on I could see we had nothing in common and lunches with her became a chore...which made me unhappy...so over time I backed off, gradually without animosity...and the weight has lifted! I couldn't be happier.

I find that writing down my problems and then making a plan of action is helpful. Sometimes just identifying one source of unhappiness and thinking of ways to tackle it helps.
For example if I feel I need to think about leaving , I start to save towards it and think of an escape plan. I now have my own bank account.
Or in the mean time try to find a way round the unpleasantness.
At the end of the day I try to think of three good things that have happened.

Your post made me cry Rosemary still crying, everything you say makes sense but I am so gutted that he is treating me so bad. I have just spent three months at his bedside from 9am til 7pm every day and now he tells me I am not enough for him and he is bored with me

I have been an idiot for many years because I love him but I have allowed him to be cruel to me walk all over me.

I know I need to find the strength from somewhere

He also said that because I have reached the menopause and the danger of falling pregnant is no longer there, he does not want to be with me in that way anymore.