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How can you find what makes you happy

(121 Posts)
Serkeen Mon 11-Sep-17 18:14:38

I desperately want to be happy, but I hardly know what makes me happy anymore

I just want to get up in the morning and feel a normal person with no un happy thoughts about my day and un happy thoughts about my relationships.

I am not depressed as such just feel that I have struggles daily and I try so hard to be a good person and make other people happy and give of my time and put others before myself but still am not happy...

I wish I knew what that thing was that would make me happy, truly and really happy

MissAdventure Mon 11-Sep-17 18:17:34

I think happiness, or at least contentment (is that a word, pedants?) has to come from inside oneself. I dont know what the answer is, apart from my little bit of introspection, but I hope you do find peace.

Imperfect27 Mon 11-Sep-17 18:42:06

Serkeen after a difficult six months, ill health and other attendant worries, I was driving home the other day and had a 'moment' of happiness. The sun was shining, the car radio was playing an oldie, I was anticipating DH's birthday - had invited his son and knew it would make his day. It was a 'rare' moment of everything being ok... That same evening I was on an emergency dash because of a very poorly son.

To be happy, I think we need to feel things are secure - whether that's a matter of home and / or relationships. Sadly some of us have setbacks in life and demands upon us that make that difficult in a sustained sense. But maybe that makes us appreciate the moments all the more.

I am sorry it is not easy for you. xx

My mum had a very hard life, she wasn't wealthy - mores to the point, she knew a lot of poverty and upset. But I know she took pleasure from simple things - birdsong, the change of the seasons, a particular light of day. I think this is probably unusual, but a good way to be.

kittylester Mon 11-Sep-17 18:52:51

I think that you shouldn't look too hard!

MissAdventure Mon 11-Sep-17 18:55:29

I think you have to look for whatever tiny chink of happiness can be gleaned from a situation, and my word, that can be hard sometimes. It can be done though. It doesn't mean going around laughing insanely at everything, but looking for a positive in everything.

MawBroon Mon 11-Sep-17 18:59:22

Serkeen I wonder if you have been under such stress over the last months that you cannot "allow" youelf to be happy? You have learned how life can turn on a sixpence and it may be a long time before you can fully relax.
Try not to look too far ahead but live in the "now" You sound like a worrier so of course you may constantly be aware of what may be round the next corner.
All I can suggest is don't look round that corner until you have to!
Enjoy birdsong in the morning, a cup of coffee and a Danish pastry, the relaxation of a massage or facial, treating yourself to a new handbag/shoes/flowers/a lippy/whatever brings you pleasure.
I am not saying happiness lies in material,things, but sometimes in letting you indulge yourself.
A good film, especially one with a bit of a soppy story line (Hampstead Heath) or a really good laugh.
Worry less about making or keeping others happy if you can flowers

polyester57 Mon 11-Sep-17 19:03:21

I think imperfect27 has said it all. I experience great happiness from walking the dog every day, seeing the seasons change, my grandchildren laughing, stroking the cat, things growing in the garden ... The greatness is in the small things.

Day6 Mon 11-Sep-17 19:07:43

It's a strange one Serkeen.

I imagine most of us are grateful for the blessings we do have, but like you, I can feel myself really out of sorts at times. It's hard to describe but it's not unhappiness. I just don't feel joyfully happy very often.

Like Imperfect wrote, I think happiness IS fleeting. I often catch the moment and think 'Yes, all is well in my world.' I lose that feeling quickly and little niggles and worries creep back in and then I feel a sort of permanent anxiety.

Mind you, do you know anyone who is a continual ray of happiness? Can't say I do.

Lots of things chip away at us, like financial and health worries, or family problems. We take them all to heart. I think because we all have to contend with life's up and downs, the older we get we appreciate life is mostly a flat road, with hills and valleys to navigate every now and then. Some people certainly seem to have more lows than highs.

I think I am conditioned to be on standby, to expect the worse, whilst being aware I must enjoy the moment if I can. I try to and I do count my blessings regularly. It means we plod on rather than rejoice in the ordinary, which is in fact, really good.

They reckon that even Lottery winners don't stay on a high for long. That euphoria vanishes, apparently. I'd quite like the chance to see how long I could remain happy on a few million! grin Money doesn't buy happiness though. Life without good health is a struggle, a life without love can be painful, and a life on a budget is one long worry.

Happiness is elusive. I think we are just too complex, we humans!

Perhaps we have too much. My son travels a lot and thinks the poorest people with very little going for them are often the most sunny individuals.

It's strange, isn't it?

BlueBelle Mon 11-Sep-17 19:31:30

This is a poem I wrote many years ago

The future is unknown, the past unchangable
Take care of the present
for it is what our dreams are built on
Care for each moment,
for happiness can be as fragile as a butterflies wing
or a petal blown on a breeze
Happiness can melt and disappear
as snow on a sunny day
Happiness is often found
long after it has gone
So open your arms and welcome it into your heart
Open your eyes and accept what is given

MissAdventure Mon 11-Sep-17 19:32:39

That's lovely. Made me a bit weepy..

Imperfect27 Mon 11-Sep-17 19:38:43

Beautiful words Bluebelle, thank you.

We need a heart emoticon.

gillybob Mon 11-Sep-17 19:51:04

I know exactly what you mean Serkeen as I am always chasing that bluebird of happiness but sadly it flies away before I even get close. I do have little happy things in my life ( my grandchildren mainly ) but there is always an undercurrent of worry or sadness spoiling everything.

Serkeen Mon 11-Sep-17 19:59:25

Thank you for your posts

MissAdventureI think that your advice is spot on, I should look inside myself for happiness rather than giving that responsibility to someone else. Thank you for your post it has put me wise, if you like x

Imperect27 I have happy moments like that too.. I really hope your son is ok now.. I am that kind of person that appreciates nice things like green grass and trees and a beautiful white swan, I think my main problem is my marriage, it is too one sided, for eg when we have a disagreement he will never make the effort to speak to me, it is always I that has to smooth things over, he will always have an excuse as to why he has not come to me, but today after 35 years of marriage he has finally run out of excuses.
Being un happily married really is the main downer for me. Thank you for your words they came just after a disagreement with my husband and I could not believe that you made more effort with me than my husband of 35 years thank you so very much.

Mawbrown you make a lot of sense with not looking round the corner. I am a worrier. you are right, not as much as I used to thank goodness. Thank you for taking the time to post, it meant a lot.

Kittylister I do understand that maybe I should not look too hard, it is just that I crave happiness after being un happy for so long, but of course you are right sometimes when you try so hard. that in itself becomes the battle, thank you for your post.

Serkeen Mon 11-Sep-17 20:04:17

I have split from my husband in the past, but we reconciled, the main reason was that it got a bit lonely, but sitting here now, alone and lonely I realise that being with him is just as lonely..

Serkeen Mon 11-Sep-17 20:08:00

Day6 Lovely post and so true what you have said

" Money doesn't buy happiness though. Life without good health is a struggle, a life without love can be painful, and a life on a budget is one long worry".

Serkeen Mon 11-Sep-17 20:10:36

I know that we speak through the internet but I would be so alone right now if I could not speak to you all, I am so grateful for your company and input x x

Imperfect27 Mon 11-Sep-17 20:13:04

Serkeen flowers flowers flowers It isn't wrong to want to be happy and it is very human to think we deserve to be when you are one of life's givers.

I truly hope this low will shift for you soon and that something will lift you again soon. It is brave and half the battle to face what keeps making you feel down. xx

M0nica Mon 11-Sep-17 20:18:52

I try so hard to be a good person and make other people happy and give of my time and put others before myself but still am not happy

The above has nothing to do with happiness. It may be personally fulfilling, although I rather doubt it in your case, Serkeen as when someone can state it as clearly as you do, it sound more like a belief that personal martyrdom brings happiness. Not sure about that.

Happiness is an effervescent emotion that comes of a second when you see something that makes your heart sing. It can be a bird singing , sun through a tree, your grandchildren when they come to the door.

You say that you and your husband reconciled because you were both lonely but you still remain alone and lonely. What have you and your husband down to foster and revive your relationship since you reconciled? There is so much more to not being lonely than living in the same house and sharing housekeeping. Have you considered counseling, for your own sadness and for your relationship to try and find a way forward?

grannyactivist Mon 11-Sep-17 20:21:34

Be with others who make you smile.
Hold on to your values.
Accept the good.
Imagine the best.
Do things you love.
Find purpose.
Listen to your heart.
Push yourself, not others.
Be open to change.
Bask in the simple pleasures.

Read more here.

Anniebach Mon 11-Sep-17 21:12:18

Happiness can be fleeting Serkeen, rather like times when a cloud passes across the sun, or it can linger longer but even then dusk falls. Enjoy those times and when a cloud passes into your life be assured it will pass . Happiness does come from within and trying to make every around you happy can drain you.

a monk once told me - if you are always in the sun you are in the desert .

Crafting Mon 11-Sep-17 21:19:30

serken in church one day I hear the Vicar say that being a good person and kind to others also included being kind and forgiving to yourself. I hope things improve for you soon. flowers

morethan2 Mon 11-Sep-17 23:19:45

I find as I get older I haven't quite got the zest for things as much as I did when I was younger. When I was young I always felt full of hope and anticipation. Coping with the ordinary and the difficulties of life have sort of ground me down or at least taken the edge off my happiness. I do have some real happy moments and lots of contentment. I appreciate these times. I'm more likely now to really appreciate simple pleasures. I'm not terribly unhappy but in some ways I'm glad to leave those great highs to the young. It's so exhausting. Quiet contentment has its benefits. I hope my post doesn't sound to trite. If things don't improve perhaps it's a low lying depression and that's a different thing all together. I hope you feel a bit more positive soon. Seeing the light on this little stream made me feel happy today.

silverlining48 Tue 12-Sep-17 08:17:46

Wise words here, hope you are feeling a bit better today Serkeen. I truly believe that happiness or contentment is fleeting, sometimes its just a moment, but it lies within ourselves.

annsixty Tue 12-Sep-17 08:51:52

My happiness relies mostly on other people.
If I get a phone call from family giving me some encouraging news, I have a lifting of my spirits, if it is good news about their own happiness I am euphoric for a minute or two. Is that happiness?
I feel some contentment when sitting outside on a warm day and the garden looks good. Happiness?
I think it is many years since I felt true happiness for a prolonged period, but I think small bursts come to us for a short time when we aren't looking for it.
In your present situation that is as much as you, and many of us, can hope for.

damewithaname Tue 12-Sep-17 11:01:06

YOU cannot find happiness.

YOU can choose it though.
YOU CAN choose to say "no more unhappy thoughts starting from now".
YOU have say of what enters your mind each day.
Forget about making everyone else happy and start choosing YOU every day.