Visiting a dying friend

My friend died of bone cancer Boxing Day 2015. I supported her a lot via text because we lived other side of town from her. Went to hospital appointments. Met for coffee or lunch. It never occurred to me to treat her any different. She never asked to be treated differently.

The important thing was she knew I was there for her. Always available 24/7. All she had to do was phone. She never did but she appreciated the fact I would drop anything for her. Even before the cancer. Too many people treated her as a delicate thing, and made allowance for her being terminal. Normal is what made the difference. I will miss her for the rest of my life.

My friend who had terminal cancer phoned a number of friends on a day she was feeling better and invited us to tea. It was pouring with rain but I realised as I walked to her house I was the lucky one who was able walk and feel well. It was the last time we all met up as friends together. We chatted and laughed as we always did, it was an afternoon to remember.

Just treat your friend as you normally would and be guided by her.

I am a qualified counsellor and I used to work as such in a hospice. The thing about someone dying is exactly this – what do you talk about? The thing is the person who is dying doesn’t want the subject to be avoided. If it is avoided, conversation becomes hugely difficult. You know why you are there and so does the person you are visiting. Maybe say,” I really don’t know what to say, (Mary).” It’s a good opener and allows the ‘ill’ person to steer the conversation at the beginning. Remember the person is your friend. They will welcome the closeness brought by honesty. Your visit will then be meaningful, instead of distant and uncomfortable.

DS' best friend had a brain tumour and we all knew that he didn't have much time left, but he regularly came to stay overnight until a couple of weeks before the end. We miss him dreadfully still, but at least we ensured that we treated him exactly as we always had, laughing. joking, teasing him and he appreciated the fact that we all enjoyed our last days with him all the more.

*Alygran.

Just be yourself OP.

Nonnie and Alygran

I just travelled to visit my friend - she's only 38 and I don't think I'll see her again. (I'm name changing her for this part).

She looks incredibly unwell but not once did I say "how are you getting on? How are you feeling since stopping your treatment?" I didn't want her to feel I was visiting her cancer, I was visiting Jayne and I treated Jayne just as I always have - even gently taking the mickey as we always have. It wasn't an elephant in the room - we both knew this was probably the last time we'd see each other. I didn't want her to remember me as a sympathetic head-tilter.

I cried in the hotel afterwards.

As has been said before, just be yourself, your friend will appreciate that I am sure, if you are usually a jolly person be that too. I am sure things will be better than you anticipate, good luck.

DeeWBW, I also worked as a counsellor in a Marie Curie hospice, and I met many people who really wanted to talk to someone about their fears, or just to have a laugh with friends. This didn't happen because visitors felt they had to reassure their friend that they would get better.There were many people who visited patients who only talked about how quickly a cure was going to be found, while it might have been better to let their friend take the lead.

Let her talk if she wants to. Be a very, very good listener.

Lots of good suggestions already, I agree with others be yourself , tell her that she can say what ever she likes to you,which includes letting you know if she wants to talk about it or if she would prefer it if you did not.