Difficult daughter

Enabling financial dependency from an able bodied adult child, is a great disservice to her! Your daughter seems to have gone from being taken care of by mummy and daddy to being taken care of by dear hubby.

Her bratty behavior is actually anger/insecurity and may be a cry for help. She doesn't seem to have mature adult skills/ behaviors necessary to survive in the real world and she never will, if you keep paying her bills for her.

Help her by giving her the tools she needs to stand on her own two feet. She may need skills like how to balance a budget and a checkbook, how to use the internet to pay bills on line, save money, reduce debt, boost her career and learn how to be independent.

By having to manage her own life she will also have to weigh the true measure of her paycheck hence prioritize her expenses.

You can still support her by offering child care and possibly even a place to stay, but only until she gets her finances sorted out without your subsidies (no more than three months). A qualified social worker who specializes in life skills and debt counseling can help you all get started.

Whatever you do, stick to realistic deadlines. The sooner she gains her independence, the better for all involved.

GoodGran you're a hero in my book. Some good advice here so I wish you all the luck with this difficult problem.

goodgran your daughter clearly has power over you - why are you granting it?

VIOLETTE I'M so sorry you have been through this horrendous situation. It's so difficult

Starlady her husband was difficult too at the end of their relationship but he had a 2 years of her going out and drinking with her mates and rolling in at all hours especially if they'd had words. I don't blame him. Yes he could be thoughtless but he was a good man and father.. still is a good father.
CSA have said he only needs to pay £55. He's not even doing that!
Bluegal you know how hard it is and we do need to sort this now.

Thank you all so much for your valuable much needed support. I can't tell friends or family how I feel... they would be horrified at what we out up with

I am very very grateful to you all And will take this advice

Since we had a conversation yesterday about yet another parking fine that she hasn't paid, she's blocked us completely! She'll be here tomorrow as her hubby can't have the kids as he's changed his job!
Should be a stressful conversation cos I'm not being ignored then dumped on. Thanks again

AmMazThe power she has is the grandkids. And the fact that my husband won't allow any chance she gets blacklisted or evicted. We've had many a heated discussion about how much he has helped her with little gratitude. We don't want to be in her company and that's so sad.. she takes and takes. We love her because we are her parents but do we like her? Probably not

nager breeds anger. Try and breathe deeply and not rsopond to her tantrums. she needs help with a debt advisor, I'd compose a list of all agencies who could help, contact details and gently, lovingly but firm and quietly say she must start taking control - what happens when you and her father die? Who will look after the bills then? She may not thanks you now but time heals. If you are worried about the children send a weekly bag of staple groceries if she will accept them but NO money.

anger, respond, thank.. oh dear didnt check

That's my worry peaches50 My mind is set. The heated discussions are between my hubby and I. He's been far too soft

If your DD ex has a new job then maybe a further discussion with CSA is on the cards.
Non -payments by ex partner should be reported.

eazybee totally agree £50 is insulting
it works out at just over £16 per child!

My eldest page his ex £200 per week for one child. He also takes him for haircuts , buys new shoes and trainers and clothes. His ex earns more than he does but he does it because he wants to and because he can. He's a great dad.

Goodgran you and your DH have been helpful loving parents but your DD is taking advantage of you. You have to rein it in now for your own health and sanity. I know because have been in a similar situation with my son. I have been "helping" him out financially and it has got worse over this year. We found out he had been lying about the amount of money he had received and his rent hadn't been paid. When he demanded that I pay it I knew the bank of Mum had to close immediately. Yes he has blocked us too but he constant requests for money to pay his debts was affecting both my husband and I and couldn't go on.
Give her 3 months notice and help her make a budget. Sorry but having your nails done etc are not top of the list when you are a single parent with 3 children to look after. If you are worried that things are a bit difficult for her you could always do an online food shop for her to help out sometimes.

Daisyboots its good to know we're not alone and all of these replies from you lovely ladies have given me the confidence to do what needs to be done. It won't be pretty but I'm prepared for the fall out. We will go to see her next week when the kids are back in school to have "the" chat . My husband has tried to advise her and wanted to see her bank statement but she refused. She's so very difficult it's shocking as our son is the entire opposite. And I feel we need to balance the books were he and his wife are concerned. Just not fair

Wish you well goodgran. Things will improve but tough love is necessary. Make sure your DH and you are in agreement how to proceed.

Thanks mumofmadboys Yes tough love is overdue . He's a tough nut to crack because he's kind and wants the best but he's had enough too

Bluegal. Same!! VIOLETTE is on my mind.

In much the same situation and have called a stop.
Need to retire so funds are not there...tantrums,manipulation and being cut off...lasted for 3 weeks...sought counselling and budgetary advise ..we should have done it years ago.Best of luck and look after yourselves.
If one of you became ill tomorrow what would happen?

I helped my daughter financially too, she is 42 and hasn't been able to manage. She became very depressed after broken relationships and realising that she probably will never have children. I payed her rent for her several times to prevent her being chucked out of her place and I bought her a car. She has tax debts and I gave her money to pay that but I found out later that she didn't pay the debt and just frittered the money away. I'm afraid the bank of mum and dad has closed now as it was eating into our savings. She knows that she can live here with us whenever she wants but of course she wants to be independent. Strangely enough she appears to be managing well now without our help, we just don't see her any more! I'm not that worried as she's not far away and I'll go and see her.

farmgran I so hope your daughter sees sense and starts to respect what you did for her. It's so disheartening when the kids we do so much for to the detriment of ourselves turn their backs on us. My daughter has dropped her kids here this morning without even saying hello or goodbye. I feel completely used and abused
Like you, the bank of mom and dad is closed now . We have decided what we are prepared to help with so she has a huge shock coming to her. We will reduce our contributions over the next few months. I hope you manage to sort things out with your daughter

Bbnan that sounds just like the situation we're in and I know the conversation we need to have will make things even worse. But we've run out of both patience and money so needs to be done

This is a definite case where "Tough Love" has to be demonstrated - blank her out and stamp firmly on any requests for financial bail-outs.

Don't fall for any attempt to use the grandchildren as a bargaining chip - it may hurt not to see the for a while but if you allow her to use them for emotional blackmail purposes and she gets her foot back in the door then she'll do it again and again until she sucks your financially dry!

She may be your daughter but she's an unscrupulous leech and devoid of any conscience.

Margs she doesn't appear to have a conscience where we're concerned that's for sure. She has many friends so I don't know how she is with them but she's had the same friends for many years. Baffling really that she chooses to bite the hand that feeds her . The financial commitment is crippling us. So yes it's time to stop

Update...DD had just come to collect the kids as announced that she's not coming for Christmas lunch. She's going to her new boyfriends moms. That's a real kick in the teeth. But I just said ok...its up to you. Sad but not being blackmailed. I can't decide whether to do something completely different now cos it's going to be sad not to have the grandkids here like always. My DS and DL are going to her moms this year
Shes punishing us because we had a conversation about her spending and lifestyle a couple of weeks ago and she took exception to it. She's just asked us to hand her house key back that we've always had as my DH is guarantor on her house. We said no.
Just gets better and better

Yes yes yes go & do something different & enjoy it whilst you can & before she decides to need you ( use you) again Things will change & change again, all we really all have is control over our own choices & decisions . I don't under estimate how hard it is to stand firm against our sometimes ungrateful offspring, but they sometimes need a wake up call . Good luck

Oh dear! But you knew this was going to happen didn't you? It still will hurt but don't let it, so now you know, if you don't "toe the line" she will be even more nasty and disrespectful to you. If she dosn't speak when dropping the kids off, don't bother speaking to her. She's definitely "a piece of work", a very mean and nasty woman. She is definitely going to use the Grandkids to hurt you. Be brave! As the saying goes, "with friends like her, who needs enemies" ?
So, you're both on your own Christmas Day! Make the most of it. Book a 3 day trip somewhere! London or somewhere warmer like Rome! I would...

Gosh what a wonderful tolerant mum you are I could never have stood for that. She is an adult and a mum now time to cut the purse strings! It enough you babysit you grand children for free and that's all you should be doing. I know she has had it tough but hey ho she will survive. Day enough is enough if it convienent to have the kids more then do but only if it is. I know she will try and blackmail you with the kids but remember she need you more.

I've just had to make the break from mine as they where making me I'll. Don't let this happen to you both. Get control of the financial side and then tackle the babysitting. Good Luck.