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What would you advise?

(59 Posts)
sunseeker Mon 06-Nov-17 13:43:05

My brother in law has asked for my advice. He has a son who decided on leaving school that he wanted to be a musician in a band. Brother in law has been supporting him, providing rent free accommodation and money. The band has had the occasional "gig" but have never made much money. My brother in law now has health problems and can no longer work and feels he has supported his son long enough (the "boy" is approaching his 35th birthday). He doesn't want to fall out with his son but is unsure how to tell him that it is time for him to stand on his own feet and can no longer expect his parents to support him.

Nonnie Mon 06-Nov-17 13:45:20

I think he needs to simply tell him exactly as you have put it. How else? Surely at 35 he can see his father's situation?

annsixty Mon 06-Nov-17 13:55:52

There is only one way to go here and the father surely knows it.
He can no longer afford it, period.

hildajenniJ Mon 06-Nov-17 13:57:50

I think I would just sit him down and tell him. He surely can't be blind to his father's state of health. At 35 it's high time he sorted his life out. He obviously knows how hard it is to get on in the music business, by now he should have though of other ways to support himself. He needs a good luck up the backside.

Esspee Mon 06-Nov-17 14:07:54

The father has a lot to answer for. He has facilitated his son's parasitic ways and needs to call a halt now, even if he was in good health and earning a fortune. As he is neither he has no alternative. The not so young man needs to start contributing to the household or ideally move out and find his own feet.
As to how to tell him - that is really simple. Just tell it as it is!

Luckygirl Mon 06-Nov-17 14:10:27

35!! My Dad told me very clearly that once I was 21 I would not get another penny till he died. He paid his assessed contribution to my student grant till I graduated and that was that.

Your BIL must just tell him - he cannot freeload for the rest of his life!

DanniRae Mon 06-Nov-17 14:13:14

Yep - tell him - (he obviously knows the situation and is 'cocking a deaf 'en' as we say in our family!!) hmm

grannyactivist Mon 06-Nov-17 14:28:24

No question that I would advise your brother to end his son's parasitic behaviour by giving him notice that the gravy train has left the station!

Jalima1108 Mon 06-Nov-17 14:29:49

The 'boy' needs to get a job and gig at the weekends (if he is offered any!)
I thought you were going to say that he was 18, not 35.

MissAdventure Mon 06-Nov-17 14:34:56

I can appreciate that its going to be difficult, but it needs to be said, and soon. His son needs it laid on the line; no arguments or negotiating. Its time to stop relying on his dads money.

sunseeker Mon 06-Nov-17 15:12:47

You are all stating what I am thinking! My BiL has two problems, his wife thinks they should continue to support their son even to the extent of using their savings. They adopted him when he was a baby and when BiL has tried to reason with him in the past he has flown into a rage and pulled the "you're not my real parents so can't understand" argument. I have suggested to nephew that he get a job and "gig" on the weekends but he said they need to be available for any offers that come in. Two members have already left and three have part time jobs, he is the only one holding out and wants to interview replacements for the two who left. It's not that they are bad, but they just aren't that good either and in the entertainment business you have to be outstanding to get anywhere. I think BiL knows this is a problem of his own making and he should have faced it years ago but now has to sort it out.

Iam64 Mon 06-Nov-17 15:14:25

Your brother in law sought your advice on how to tell his 35 year old son that dad’s I’ll health means he can no longer finance his sons rock star ambitions. What advice do you want to give and do you feel it would be well received and acted on Sunseeker.
It sounds as though your brother in law may have tried to raise this with his son, who didn’t respond well. Is the young man a bully as well as immature do you think. 35 is an unusual age to remain financially dependent on your parent unless something is wrong with your physical or psychological health. It may be a row is inevitable and possibly overdue.

sunseeker Mon 06-Nov-17 15:19:13

Iam64 I think BiL already knew what my advice would be as I have said in the past that I think nephew should be supporting himself.

cornergran Mon 06-Nov-17 15:47:15

Hmm. Forgive me if I’ve misunderstood but is the issue really convincing your sister in law? It would be so helpful if they agreed and could tell their son together that no matter how much they love him the passing of time means it is simply not possible to continue financial support. The financial support does have to end. It’s hard to change expectations but yes, it does have to be done.

M0nica Mon 06-Nov-17 16:24:57

I am just amazed at the number of threads we have had on GN over the years about over-indulged children becoming over indulged adults and the over-indulgers then being 'afraid' to tell the over-indulged cuckoo in the nest that the party is over.

The plug should have been pulled on this 'young' man 10 years ago. Give him three months warning that the plug is about to be pulled so that he can get his act in order and get a job that makes him supporting and another three months to find separate accommodation.

Phrases like 'killing with kindness' and 'being cruel to be kind' so frequently come to mind.

BlueBelle Mon 06-Nov-17 16:28:23

It sounds like you need to talk to your sister in law not your brother in law who’s obviously singing from the same hymn sheet as you

Ski43 Mon 06-Nov-17 16:34:57

I think both parents need to sit him down,explain that they just cannot afford support him any longer,if he flies into a rage ask him to find somewhere else to live,as bullying should never happen. At his age he should feel embarrassed that elderly parents are still supporting him.If they feel uncomfortable trying to talk,maybe putting it in a letter and giving a date as to when the support will be withdrawn and when his contribution to the household should commence.He should be able to claim benefit until he gets a job. I wish them luck as it won,t be easy.

lemongrove Mon 06-Nov-17 16:45:05

Sunseeker didn’t say that the nephew may become bullying.He may be somebody who is a bit of a dreamer and would have difficulties fitting in with a ‘normal job’ ( we don’t know the full story.)
However, I agree that the nephew needs to be told that he should at least try to work, even part time, and to help out at home in other ways as well, if his parents want him to.

Ski43 Mon 06-Nov-17 16:55:28

Sorry if I misunderstood but the thread that mentioned flying into a rage, made me think of bullying. I hope it works out for sunseekers brother in law
and that once explained to him fully he will try to think of ways to help,as maybe he is unaware of the full facts.

harrigran Mon 06-Nov-17 17:42:25

It is very difficult to get on in the music business so he really needs a job that will keep him financed, he can not expect his parents to fund him at 35.
DD did a full time job and played in a band on evenings and weekends, she also studied for a degree in Chemistry at the same time achieving a double first.
If he can't even manage a little part time job then he is not much of a man.

Madgran77 Mon 06-Nov-17 18:05:42

If SIL is not on board, nothing will work!!

Riverwalk Mon 06-Nov-17 18:44:05

Providing him with accommodation is one thing, and even that's pushing it at 35, but they really shouldn't be giving him money, least of all their savings!

Most bands don't make it big-time but plenty are earning a living by gigging around the country in pubs, weddings, support acts, etc.

As to how your BIL handles this I suppose he could start by saying that they will continue to provide accommodation but no more money.

Jalima1108 Mon 06-Nov-17 19:04:02

Why can't he teach guitar/drums/keyboard or whatever is his area of expertise, perhaps through a reputable music shop?
Unless you hit the big time your income can vary enormously - fine if you have plenty of gigs and can make a reasonable living but sometimes things can go quiet and you need a back-up plan.

nokkie Tue 07-Nov-17 09:54:43

I agree with all that has been said but then you know this. However, it has gone on for so long that withdrawal has to be done slowly. My daughter relied on us more and more and we were in a similar situation. So next time he wants money he has to be told that this will be the last because you (BiL) cant afford it any more. That way he has time to get his head round it.

TillyWhiz Tue 07-Nov-17 09:57:20

Although I totally agree with you about this 'musician', I think you are being pulled into a husband and wife argument and it would pay to be a tad careful!