What would you advise?

Just tell him no more money. If he does the emotional blackmail thing, then they know he doesn't care for them, only for their money and they can make future plans for their lives without him freeloading.

It is unfortunate that he as grown up so ungrateful. He is too old now to make it in the music business, plenty of younger people trying the same thing.

My cousin's life was ruined by her amazingly talented and highly trained husband trying to make it big in music business, he was brilliant but still never made it.

Time for them all to grow up and face the realthings.

Sunseeker
Most parents want to see their children have a good start in life.Your BIL had done enough At 35 his son is not a child and should be told the Bank of Father is now closed.

The things we do for love ! This man has been enabled to live a life of giving nothing and taking everything, and at his age that is quite unacceptable. He is clearly using emotional blackmail to ensure the situation continues in his favour. Ask him who else he knows that lives this way ? The SIL needs to ask herself where this will go once their savings run dry and she should be supporting her husbands feelings, not continuing to indulge this selfish, lazy man. A reality check is so needed here. If it continues, the husband is not happy, if it stops the son will not be happy. So there is no easy solution unless this man gets out of Cloud Cuckoo land and gets a job, even if it’s part time initially so he meets them halfway. It shouldn’t be part time but he clearly needs introducing to the real world gently !!

A similar situation is a family with 3 sons in the same age range who have been supported by their parents who want them to be successful in the music business. Difference the boys care very much for their parents and have always been encouraged by them. The boys do have regular gigs, also write music and sell it and are exploring other avenues of making money in the music business and moving out of the family home but it has taken a long time.

As for being adopted that is emotional blackmail. The son also doesn't understand his father and a father's role. He also doesn't seem to be very caring of his parents. It is not as if the rest of the band are not supporting themselves. No point him being available 24/7 if the rest of the band are not.

But in the end your Bil has to take a very firm stand against both his son and wife and hopefully convince his wife that this is effecting his health. Unfortunately there is going to be some unpleasantness before this is resolved. I know we often say this but I think the wife needs some counselling.

It's not that they are bad, but they just aren't that good either and in the entertainment business you have to be outstanding to get anywhere.

It's not so much a case of being outstanding - there are more brilliant musicians/singers out there who never make it big - and many who are not so brilliant but are in the right place at the right time.
It's no good waiting for the 'big time' to arrive - it could but it probably won't now so he needs to find another source of income.

But, as TillyWhiz has said, do be careful about being pulled into what is not your problem. You could end up with no-one speaking to you.

This is terrible, the 'lad' should have been encouraged to stand on his own two feet at least a decade ago. As he hasn't become rich and famous through music he should pursue this as a part time hobby and work at a proper job like the rest of us.
My younger brother works as a fork lift truck driver and pursues his music career at weekends - this lad should do the same. He has been over-indulged for too long which hasn't really helped him.

A firm hand indeed needs to be taken here,there is no way this "man-boy" is going to make it big in his band if they haven't managed it by now they stand no chance,the others that work part time can't just drop their work if gigs come in during the week so who is the nephew trying to kid only himself I think.
Mother & Father both need to be on the same page on this and the nephew needs a firm talking to.

You know exactly what advice you need to give and indeed you also know that it won't be listened to. Say your piece then stay out of it. They will continue to support him, to the detriment of themselves, until they have no money left. There are obviously issues of bullying, manipulation and guilt all thrown into the equation here so say your bit then step back and let them get on with it.

He needs to stand on his own two feet, and should have been doing long before now. It's hard to quite believe that at 35 he still expects this.

Good grief... this man is abusing the situation and knows it. He needs a good kick up the arse and told to get a grip and join the real world and get a job. He hasn't succeeded so far in music so probably won't. Thing is, this stand has to come from the parents and not you. You could end up getting the blame for the inevitable row.

I think the issue here is adoption, your SIL feels he’s still her responsibility, and he plays on the fact he was adopted and acts like they owe him.He seems like he’s stopped maturing in his teens and he’s stuck there.I doubt this will be solved without upset.Good luck tho.

Creating and nurturing productive and caring adults is one of the many ways we demonstrate our love as parents.

Your brother in law has more parenting to do.

...and thanks for not writing BIL.

I assume the 'boy' has not signed on as if he had he would have to apply for jobs etc. So i think the first thing is that your brother in law take him to sign on, Then the 35 year old will have to fulfill certain demands made by the state. next I would take him to the local socail housing office and get his name put down for a one bed studio flat or what ever is the smallest dwelling they have. he will receive assisted rent if this is necessary. the housing should be told that due to BinL's health 'boy' will be homeless in six months.

Your bother in law could add into this package that he gets on the list for supported accommodation due to his ill health and move!!

I thought some comments were a bit harsh till I read the OP's second post! Flying into a rage and using emotional blackmail to get a free ride at the age of 35! My DD is also 35, a single mother with a despicable ex partner who has just stopped paying maintenance, sends vile texts and emails and is generally bullying. DD works (till this week 2 jobs), is studying and does all the parenting things in school, doctor etc - despicable ex-partner has another women and baby - and yes, since the maintenance stopped, she has asked us to help financially for things like shoes, school uniform etc. She is mortified to have to do this and is grateful for every penny. If we said we couldn't help she would accept it and try to find some other way to manage. This young man, on the other hand, seems to be a free loading bully who needs to wake up and smell the coffee. But OP please be careful - the last thing you want is to antagonise your brother in law or his wife - just say your piece and leave it be. Good luck.

I agree with Lemongrove and Nokkie's sentiments. Let's not be so harsh. The lad is neither a parasite or a bully. He is just living on a different planet like my writer son. I have over the years supported my son to help him along the way... he has never asked me for money, but I knew the signs when he didn't have a brass razoo and frankly I wasn't going to stand by and let that happen to him. My shroud will not have pockets and I have saved every penny in order to leave him something when I pass...in the meantime, if I've got it, he can have it...after all he is my child.

There's no option but for the 'boy' to be told the truth and 'get a proper job'. He's been very fortunate in being able to pursue his interests up to the ripe old age of 35 - and there's no doubt that this has strengthened his selfish streak. When 'children' get to this age and have never stood on their own two feet they come to expect parental support as an entitlement. There's only one way to do this - no pussy-footing around otherwise he is likely to try to negotiate - he needs to be told the exact situation and has to come round to the idea that his life is his own responsibility. So for sounding harsh but I have a step relative who is exactly the same and I know how completely stressful this can be for the parent.

Hell's bells... He should have told him this at least 15 years ago. I suggest you sit down with your brother when he tells his son...just so that he sticks to his guns.

If it was me, I’d still provide accommodation, but have a house meeting with everyone living at home, explain that your situation has now changed, that in a months time u will need to get money towards food and bills , and can no longer support as you can’t work for health. That gives him a month to get sorted out. We had to support our adult daughter for several years because she was badly injured in an accident and couldn’t work, but that was a different scenario altogether. You need to look out for yourselves now.

At 35 there is still time to make a go of another way of making ones living.

I know as I gave the classical music scene a go until I was 36, when I finally admitted I wasn't going to have the career I had dreamed of as a schoolgirl. A harsh truth to face, but I am afraid it is now your nephew and your SIL is going to have to face up to it.

By pointing out that there is time for him to find another way of making a living, your brother may be able to defuse the situation somewhat.

My parents were supportive of my efforts, but I supported myself from the age of 21, although legally they had no obligation to help after I was 18.

Frankly, if the ungrateful not so young man tries playing the "you are not my real parents, so you can't understand" card, I feel he should be told, "You are welcome to try and find your biological parents and see if they do understand and will support you. We are unfortunately no longer able to do so."

No kind of parents are under any obligation to support or even help "children" who have attained their majority.

Sorry Sunseeker, I got the relationships the wrong way round.
Perhaps you can persuade your sister to see your brother in law's point?

My Dh was always a full time Joiner and part time Drummer - everything from a rock band, rhythm and blues, country dance, Ceilidh and now a Steel Band. He is an amazing drummer and had offers to go full time pro but turned them down because he worked in a family business and later had young family of his own. His wages and mine kept us ticking over, while his band earnings were saved and provided a deposit for a house for us and later for both of the DDs, a family car, holiodays, etc.

I agree this has gone on far to long and the 'lad' must know this, if he hasn't made it by now its not going to happen and music is going to have to become a weekend hobby/part time job. He may need help as others have suggested to get himself sorted out but practical help is all your BIL should now offer, perhaps he could start by saying he can no longer pay the rent after a certain date. Certainly this man should be signed on as unemployed. It sounds like there is going to be a big row at some point so I reckon you should just say he should be straight with his son and leave your advice at that as you don't want to fall out with anybody over this. It might be interesting to talk a bit more to your sister over a coffee and find out why she thinks a grown man should be so sheltered from everyday life, I guess her fear is if the money stops they will never hear from him again.

He's 35 and he's been doing this since he left school? So 17 years or so?

"My BiL has two problems, his wife thinks they should continue to support their son even to the extent of using their savings. They adopted him when he was a baby and when BiL has tried to reason with him in the past he has flown into a rage and pulled the "you're not my real parents so can't understand" argument."
So really, there's two people that need talking to here - your BIL's wife, and their son.

BILs wife obviously wants to support her son, so must be made to see that by just continuing to give handouts, she is doing exactly the opposite. She is infantalizing him, keeping him dependant on her - she needs to see that cutting the apron strings is the best thing she can do FOR HIM as well as for her husband and herself. Ask how she sees the future panning out - will her son marry and have children? Does she want grandchildren? How will keeping her son on handouts achieve his long-term happiness? I'd even be brutal enough to ask how he will manage when they are both dead. Because barring her son having a fatal accident, that is inevitable, isn't it? How will he live then, since they will have chewed through all their savings trying to support him? He'll be flung onto his own resources with no experience of making his own way. Surely it is better to wean him off handouts now, while they are still their to give practical and emotional (as opposed to financial) assistance? Why would she want to leave him helpless? Yes, this is laying it on with a trowel and guilt-tripping her; but if she can't see it for herself then that's how to get it through to her.

And the son? I wonder if it would be worth turning his own words back on him. He throws "you're not my real parents so can't understand" at them; BIL responds along the lines of 'if you don't feel I'm your father, maybe that's why you don't care that my health means I can't work any more. Is that how you feel about us? That you don't care about us, we're only good for money? That hurts, son.' Again, brutal and trowel-ly, but possibly necessary. I do wonder if your BILs wife already feels at the back of her mind that her son doesn't love her.

The son needs to grow up and get a reality check. Any decent 35-year-old would get a paid job, gig in spare time, and try to support and pay back dad for years of financing a dream that hasn't worked out (perhaps the band were crap!) This young man is emotionally blackmailing parents who have more than helped and maybe should've told him to earn his own money and pay his own damned rent a long time ago. This is down to your brother-in-law to sort out - he needs to put his foot down and look after himself from the sound of it. At 35 the 'boy's' excuses are just that, and poor ones - time to live in the real world for him - personally I'd give him a healthy kick up the jaxxie, slap him with the facts of life and tell him to stand on his own two feet and become financially independent as the gravy train is no longer stopping at his station.