looking after grandchild

There could be many reasons your son and dil don't want your grandchild to go to your house. (Smoke, pets, unsafe steps, healthy eating issues, cleanliness, allergies, trip hazards, medicines left around, neighbour issues, lack of safety glass).

If you're not allowed to take the child out at all is it to do with worries about your health and driving? Or about the car seats and other car safety issues?

Or are you really not allowed to take them for a walk in the pushchair?

That seems pretty unreasonable and over-controlling.

If it is one of the other issues above, it could probably be sorted out. Make sure you have a friendly conversation about the problem rather than digging your heels in straight away.

I hope you find a solution that works for you all.

Thank you all so very much for your helpful comments.
I have got an animal and that is one of the 'problems'. I got a labrador pup when I retired and my DIL does not like dog hair. After nearly three years my son started bringing my grandson at the weekends when he can but he works during the week so has other things to do at the weekend. Unfortunately my DIL has many anxieties/phobias and won't leave my grandchild anywhere. She works at home a few hours a week as a telephonist - sort of call centre work. Weather permitting I can take my grandchild to the swings and for a walk around the area. However, I would love to take him swimming. My DIL has a fear of water and that is something I could do. I'd like to take him to the library, soft play, parks but apart from his parents, no body ever has. I can't have him in my car so I am not able to pick him up or take him to play school where he's been going since he was two years old. I can't take him on the bus. I've been going round regularly since he was born in 2014 but only once a week.
On two occasions I've been with my DIL and grandson to soft play and once to the park. That's in three years. I've suggested other places but nothing has ever happened.
It's not just a wish to have him in my house, it's the longing, I suppose, to have him in my life - just occasionally and that would include my house.
They live about two miles away so it's not difficult for me to get there.
I have got two four foot dog/child gates that I had installed before he was born and apart from having locks on certain cupboard doors and the covers for sockets, I haven't done anything to childproof the house as he doesn't come.
I have explained how I feel and I know my DIL's anxieties and there we are.
Actually, I have never been asked to look after my grand son. I started off by turning up when he was a baby and keeping an eye on him while his mum could get on with what she needed to do. Then, after 9 months and chose not to return to work, I continued going round to look after my gs (not sure of abbreviations yet) to coincide with her shifts - a couple of times a week.
Again, thanks for your comments which I'll read again as I know I've not mentioned many points.

I've helped out looking after my grandchildren on and off for 22 years always at my home I wouldn't have it any other way I've still got to carry on my daily tasks so going to their home would not have been practical for me going to their home to babysit was never in question

I was wondering how far away you are, if it is some distance it probably suits them or may be impossible to drop off the GC on the way to work. I don't blame you not wanting to turn out early and it must be tiring and a great tie. However, you do have to accept that you probably won't see much of the GC. Are you really needed for a couple of weeks when the new baby comes.

I always look after my Grandchildren in their home. They have all theirs toys etc there and don't make a mess in my home. Perfect.

I wouldn’t like to have to go to someone else’s house to look after the GC on a regular basis so I understand how you feel sky. I’m tempted to say that if you don’t want to do it anymore just say so and why.

If it’s the case that you’re happy to look after GC in your house then tell them those are your terms, but phrase it nicely. You run the risk of getting less contact so just be aware of that.

I’m getting two thoughts here. Either your DiL doesn’t trust you or she’s over protective.

I’d sit down and explain the situation to your son I think.

Luluaugust Sky has said two miles away
It doesn’t matter what WE as grans do with our grandchildren Sky has asked for guidance about her situation which is much more complex
As there is a valid reason ...the dogs and your daughter in laws other phobias and fears I think it’s only kind to continue as you have started They obviously don’t need you for child minding you have taken it on your own shoulders as a means of seeing your grandson so therefore why not continue when and if you can Only two miles away is nothing and you don’t say anything about anyone stopping you from going so why not continue ?
Your daughter in law who has major phobias will only be able to ‘release’ her grandson and any subsequent babies to your care if she were to get professional help to get over her phobias and anxieties
You don’t say anything about her being a nasty person or anything about you and her not getting on so my question is why do you now want to stop going over to visit her and the child ? just when there is a new one arriving and which you have been voluntarily doing for three years
You are not child minding so all it’s down to you to visit as and when you wish too why so you now want to rock the boat and withdraw your visit be very careful you don’t cut your nose off to spite your face There are many grans on here heartbroken as they get no choice to see their grandchildren you have a choice even if it’s not as you wanted, accept the compromise and keep being a good man and mother in law which whatever restrictions are in force

Actually BB that’s what ought to have said. Good advice.

I always preferred looking after my young grandchildren at our house where I was familiar with the cooker, heating, TV controls etc. In my DD's house I could never get to grips with all of these things. I asked her to write out instructions but she never did. We had everything for our twin granddaughters two cots, two high chairs etc all bought second hand. I can understand why you want to be at your own home.

Just ASK.....!!!!! Simples ...!!!!!

It must be so difficult but I think you should just keep loving them regardless and offering to help as much as you can. It must be difficult only ever being allowed to look after your grandchild in their home but I'm sure they have reasons. Just stand by them and do the best you can to help out and eventually they may change their tune.

On the face of it I think it is a bit of a cheek to expect you to go to their home. So I would just stop. Having said this, we don't know the circumstances as to why you cannot use your home.

W11girl you haven’t read the thread SHE HAS NOT BEEN ASKED TO GO TO THE HOUSE she goes to visit the child she is NOT childminding the mother is at home with the child it is her way of connecting with her grandchild as the mothe4 has phobias and anxieties and doesn’t like th3 child being away from her

It looks to me like you haven't been asked to babysit? so really you are a visitor to their home and get to see your grandchild whilst you are there. If that's the case it has to be on their terms. On the other hand, if you are asked to mind your GC then you can make your own terms. My DIL was very anxious when my GD was tiny and we were only allowed to visit and mind GD for a few hours at their home whilst parents had some time out. By about 3 months DIL realised she needed more help from us and so allowed us to have DGD at our home. For various reasons I just couldn't have coped with minding her at their house. My advice would be talk to them and see where you stand if you feel strongly about it.

You have to do things on your terms too.

It would seem like the parents do have issues with control (Someone mentioned 'first child paranoia' and that sums it up so well.)

If you no longer want to go there to give free babysitting services, don't. I am sure they will appreciate your efforts when they are withdrawn. Then do things on your terms, if they are reasonable. When we declined to give up a whole day - on a regular basis - for child care services, our family soon came round to appreciating us as and when we were available.

How times change. We have become so used to parents returning to work and leaving their children with others that we have come to look on it as normality and to question a mother who wants to have her child's company as much as possible.
OP you do have your grandson "in your life". You were able to spend time with him once or twice a week in his own home. Plus a weekend visit to your house with his dad.
Doesn't that seem good? It does to me.
They've never actually asked you to childmind but have welcomed you when you have gone over without invitation.

What lies at the root of the desire to have your grandson to yourself in your own space away from his parents? Why do you want to take him out on his own? Why not be happy to be part of the whole family?

What a difficult situation!

I think the key thing that needs to be remembered in all these GP/DC/DGC relations is that our DGC are our children's children, not ours and, unless the child is in mental or physical danger, we have to accept the constraints our DC and their spouses may put on us over when and how we see our DGC, however unreasonable these conditions may seem or be.

Looking from outside, I would actually say how fortunate you are to have as much contact with your DGS as you have. I live 200 miles from my DGC, and although my DS and wife are more than happy for us to see our DGC and take them out. Distance limits the opportunities we have and we see our DGC far less than you do.

I would suggest that you just accept all the constraints placed on your son and his wife and be thankful for all the opportunities you do have to be with your DGS. There are many grandparents who will be deeply envious of the opportunities you have to spend time with your DGC and would leap at the chance to have contact with their DGC, even if it was limited in the way yours is.

Just a thought but why do some posters not read the thread before replying !
I look after my Gs in his home , all his toys etc are there and everything is set up for a 1 year old . So much easier for me and I come home to a tidy house (and collapse onto the sofa)

Ahhh. Didn't read to last page and Sky's explanation of her situation.

With new light, I agree with all Bluebelle wrote, up there.

Day6 do read the thread Poster is NOT childminding or babysitting she is visiting only.... it’s sad for the child that she can’t feel free to take him out and about as normal nans do but it is the daughter in laws decision and the fact that the child goes to playschool suggests it’s more about daughter in laws nervousness around the grannies house (perhaps with her Labrador dog) or perhaps her care of the little one
Just keep visiting your little chap why on earth are you withdrawing your relationship with him because you can’t have things your way Sky that doesn’t make sense Won’t he be missing your visits over the last few months After three years visiting him you say you don’t want to do it any more so haven’t been for a few months and that’s just so you can punish the mother for not doing it the way you want ?

What is the effect on a three year old child of living in a house full of fear? What will happen when he starts going to school? And now another child is due. This mother needs to think of this and not keep giving in to her phobias and anxieties. Help is available for these, once she accepts she needs it.

She may relax a little when the new baby arrives.

Is he in a house full of fear? The OP says that the parents take him to soft play, the library., the park. He goes to playgroup too, so his mum is happy to let him spend time with others. What she doesn't want is for the OP to have sole charge of him. Not in her home, not in her car, not out on the street.
Maybe mum has her reasons that the OP doesn't understand?
Maybe mum wants to be with her child and doesn't want to send him off with other people. What's wrong with that?

Maybe wait until the new baby arrives? The family dynamics will change and your DIL will have another focus in her life.
She may well be grateful to have you take your GS off her hands for a few hours and I'm sure GS would love the individual attention.
I would be concerned that DILs anxieties are passed on to your GS, fear of water can be a learned phobia as can being anxious around animals.
Labradors are in the top five breeds to have with children because of their patient and gentle nature, if your son does visit with the little lad I would not shut the dog out or your GS may think it is something to be afraid of.

Phobias and anxiety are difficult to deal with and can be passed on to children unless the parent makes a conscious effort to avoid. My GC went through a phase of being afraid of water. Her mother, who suffers from anxiety was reluctant to bring her to pool or even bath her as afraid of causing the child trauma. However, I managed to persuade her to bring to pool and just play without any pressure, and of course the child soon started enjoying herself. Now enjoys bath but still doesn’t like hair washed (like many).
My mother was afraid of spiders and passed that on to me. However, I decided to try not to pass on this fear, and bought a book on insects when DS1 was quite small. We had fun looking at spiders and other insects and found them interesting rather than scary, and as a result I got over my own fear.
In relation to OP, her dil’s anxiety sounds much worse, but there’s little sky can do except encourage her son to help his wife deal with the anxiety and continue to visit.