Anyone having major anger outbursts with 75 year old DH?

Kate, it's like deja vu reading your post. My husband is exactly the same, critical, always moaning, always right and can sulk for days which initially is a relief but soon becomes mentally draining. Never says sorry because it's never his fault. Friends think he's happy chappy, always smiling and I never burst the bubble but our two AC know what he is like and though they love him as their dad they don't like him as a person. I am too old (71) to leave and set up on my own. I have tried everything in the past, fighting back, ignoring as though everything is fine, it makes no difference. I suspect he has early dementia now but won't see GP.

Kate
No-one deserves this type of treatment, but it does sound as though you'd maybe rather get him to change this behaviour than walk away. If he won't have a serious talk about this or if trying to do so would become too confrontational or upsetting, could you put your points in a letter? You could maybe hand this to him and go out for a while, telling him it is important for both your futures that he read this and give it serious thought. You could start by reminding him why you got together, why you love(d) him etc, what his good points are and that you both deserve to be happy in the years ahead or something along those lines. Then explain that the aspect of his behaviour you have described is making you unhappy and that you have to tackle it together for both your sakes. You may wish to include that worst case scenario is that you split up. Good luck whatever way you decide to tackle this.

Agree with Elaine. You need to get to the bottom of what the cause is. Whether its medical, whether he’s just inflicting his own angst onto you as the only person who’ll take it, or whether he no longer cares for you and wants to push you into separation. Whatever the cause, it needs sorting.

Saggi he would be my ex if he did that sort of thing continually.

Kate13. Firstly you need to keep calm when it happens. Easier said than done. But when my husband treats me wrongly I get stressed and it affects my health so I do deep breathing meditation or out for a walk. It's so hurtful, I do sympathise. Detach a bit, live your own life. I would assume you have told him, put it in writing etc. But not heeded. Some men won't listen. Look after yourself. That's your priority. If you follow he needs help by all means seek it or offer to find help but you must take care of yourself.

typo.....feel he needs help. not "follow"

Oh Kate13 I could have written your OP..have the same with H,again always been bolshy but now..often feel like I hate him..rude,blames me constantly, forgetful/often confused..won't see doctor, yesterday he was driving, at a double junction he turned right too early into three lanes of oncoming traffic,I shrieked at him obviously,was a nightmare..he actually blamed me!!! Said I should have told him!! aaagh then a bit later he hit a lamp post whilst reversing,I was at the parking meter paying BUT he again blamed me for not telling him he was near a lamp post!! Fed up?? Bloody understatement!!!

Bobbydog24 and farview - thank you so much for your posts. Your experiences match mine totally. I’m sorry you have to put up with it but it’s nice to find that I’m not alone.
I am 71 and cannot build a new life. I have sympathetic DS and DD, who both love their dad but are very much aware of his mean side. I know it’s not going to change but he is going to doc’s for a check up this afternoon.
When he gets there I know what’ll happen. He’ll be charm itself and there’ll be “nothing the matter” ....

Another thought - often older men become aware of how dependent they are becoming on their wives, and they don't like it. so take it out on the wife.
There are some verses in the Bible about the economic value of men and women - starts off men more valuable, but in old age women outstrip them

Have just spent a good hour rereading all your posts. Thank you. It does seem there’s no solution. My daughter lives abroad. I spent this afternoon checking dates and flights with her. DH went to Doc this afternoon but yelled at me so much before the appointment for “nagging him” about talking about this anger that he hasn’t spoken since.
I’m going to get an appointment with a counsellor so that I don’t lose my sanity too quickly. It’s the rejection I can’t handle.Mind you a glass of wine helps, though not the long term answer. I’m going to check out the websites you’ve recommended. Perhaps if I understand more I’ll get a grip. At the moment it just hurts like hell. But I’ve managed to organise my life for tomorrow. One step?

A break with your daughter sounds like a good idea. Take care. As you say, one step at a time. But keep stepping, don’t be stepped on.

Thanks for all the support. Another day of silence and huff puff body language. For spite I went and got my hair cut short and highlights and roots done. Didn’t eat breakfast or lunch. Just felt sick. Went to visit an old friend this afternoon who’s been poorly, so have been out of his way. I suspect he doesn't like this much. It’s quiet here but at least he’s not carping. If Saggi can do three weeks I’m up for it too. You set me a challenge Saggi!

I wonder what the doctor told him! Perhaps if he’s gone quiet he may have some things to think over (hopefully). Keeping out of his way and doing your own things is a good plan. Let him make his own cups of tea, until he offers to make you one!

Yes I don’t think he enjoyed the silent treatment yesterday. I’m out this morning and possibly this evening and it’s no trouble doing retail therapy this afternoon.
I don’t feel good about it but got to change things somehow.
Going to my DS for the day tomorrow - two lovely GSs to play with. Weekend will be a problem I guess. It’s. tiring having to organise stuff but I almost felt human yesterday. Got counselling in two weeks time. Not much good really as you need it st the moment you feel rubbish, not in the distant future. Thought about beginners yoga for the older woman. Anyone tried it?

Sounds like my X . What helped me is that I kept a diary of his outbursts and mood swings for about 18 months . I always felt that it must have been my fault somehow ! It was only on reading back that I realised how bloody sad I was and that I wasn`t willing to waste the rest of my life being bullied and shouted at interspersed with `normal` behaviour which lulled me into a false sense of security . It really depends on whether you are willing to put up with him until one of you dies , I was not and am happier now than I have ever been , I have peace of mind and can do my own thing whenever I want to . Some people don`t seem to manage very well without a partner , however miserable the partner makes them . Good luck with whatever you decide to do xx

You are doing all the right things, Kate. There’s no satisfaction for him giving you the silent treatment if you aren’t there to suffer it. I’d make it clear that you’ll be out and about every time he behaves like that so if he wants to be a lonely old man, it’s his choice. And I wouldn’t tell him where I was going or when I’d be back either.

You are doing the right things Kate - going to a counsellor is a good idea and you might want to talk to your GP on your own account. You don't want to become a victim, nor to become the woman you don't want to be - someone who is mean and unkind back. You do need to find a way to be assertive and there is a great book which has been in print for decades which is easy to understand and which really could help: A Woman in Your Own Right by Anne Dickson
www.quartetbooks.co.uk/shop/a-woman-in-your-own-right-30th-anniversery-edition
I wish you well!

Thanks for the book title Applegran. I’ll get it.
We’re babysitting tonight and guess what? He’s been as nice as pie to DIL and GS, so he can control these outbursts if he wants to. It won’t last but it’s a nice break.
Comforted by all your comments and advice -they’ve kept me going this week. Not feeling so much of a wimp today and I shall act on the advice.

Had a lovely time with GSs , happy and good fun. Not a mean word. I don’t get it. How can some people switch anger on and off? Surely you’re one or the other? Or is this not hormonal at all and just some mean game ?
Anyway, it was a welcome break. It won’t last. I guess this is why I don’t walk out.

It sounds as if you’re taking control. Enjoy the good times and walk away and avoid him when he’s in a mood. He may learn! Good luck!

Kate counselling is a great idea. Money well spent from personal experience. Enjoy your break. wish you well.?

Did he tell you what the doctor had said? Glad you feel a bit better.. Counsellor sounds like a very good idea.

No he hasn’t mentioned anything about what the doctor said. I don’t even know whether he actually went to the appointment. I daren’t mention it as he went ballistic the last time I mentioned the word “doctor”. I’m waiting to pick up his repeat prescription to see if anything changed. We’re having a quiet patch just now. I think it was because I refused to speak to him except to answer his questions with a “yes” or a “no”. I’m still not offering any information about things eg about news and photos I get from the kids etc. Think his last bout was the final straw

You’re doin’ good!

Kate
Have you thought about recording one of his rants.
I know this might sound a bit extreme but he needs to hear what it's like and have evidence for when/if he denies it.
Next time he starts, have your phone in your pocket, go to the toilet, put recording on, and return to the rant.
You might never need it, but, you know it's there.