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Talking of weddings.....

(37 Posts)
Telly Tue 31-Jul-18 19:03:49

One of my now middle-aged children getting married 2nd time around later this year. However I have been informed that some close relatives are not going to be invited as it is to be a small affair. I know the relatives will be upset by this but we are not a close family and they did not invite my grown up children to their big birthdays etc. I don't think I can call the party whip as I am not paying, but I would have preferred them to get an invite. Does it matter in this day and age?

MiniMoon Tue 31-Jul-18 19:21:01

I don't think it matters that some family members are not to be invited to the wedding. There have been weddings in our family to which my DH and I were not invited. We didn't feel snubbed at all.

sodapop Tue 31-Jul-18 19:48:23

It's up to your adult children who they invite. Second time around and as older people they prefer to keep it low key. We did this and didn't invite anyone except two friends as witnesses. I have to say retrospectively I would have invited our children.

Nannarose Tue 31-Jul-18 21:43:17

I did ask one of my children if they could possibly invite a relative they hadn't thought of, and who, in the past, had been very kind to me. But it was just one couple, and although I wasn't formally paying, I had contributed plenty in the past, so it really wasn't an issue.
I wonder if inviting the relatives you would like would either spoil the balance of the wedding, or with similar relatives from the other side, escalate numbers.
A popular, current choice seems to be a small wedding, and a later, informal party.

stella1949 Tue 31-Jul-18 21:44:06

Second weddings are often small affairs . Your AC doesn't have to invite anyone they don't want to. And since these relatives didn't invite your AC to their parties, it's really not an issue is it. The idea of mothers "preferring that people get an invite" is the reason why some weddings end up getting out of hand . Just let it go - I doubt that anyone will be half as upset as you imagine they'll be.

FlexibleFriend Tue 31-Jul-18 21:45:54

That's exactly why so many choose to get married abroad and I can't blame them. No one should feel obligated to invite anyone to their wedding not even their nearest and dearest.

harrigran Wed 01-Aug-18 08:17:51

Mountain out of a molehill. I don't think people worry about wedding invitations especially second time round.

MawBroon Wed 01-Aug-18 08:56:44

I am amazed at all this concern with wedding “etiquette” as if there are some rules you are legally obliged to follow!
It’s an event for 1) the couple and 2) their family and friends. (And not necessarily in that order) That is all.
Who gets invited? That is surely up to whoever is planning and hosting the wedding. No way can parents lay down the law, especially to older AC as Telly wants to do. And in this day and age of couples having a home together before their marriage, of second marriages,marriages later in life, even of same sex marriages, details about the order or number of the bridesmaids, number of best men (or women) where to send wedding presents, whether to send presents etc etc etc is just so much frippery.
Sadly the emphasis is too often on the wedding rather than on the * marriage* but that’s another topic.
But I believe that based on statistics, the bigger the wedding, the shorter the marriage.
Food for thought?

Gma29 Wed 01-Aug-18 09:08:33

You say you are not a close family, and that these relatives had not included your children in their big celebrations. Your children possibly don’t see them as “close relatives” who need to be included in their significant occasions either, in that case.

annodomini Wed 01-Aug-18 09:42:19

Invitations to second weddings should be a matter for the couple, surely. Presumably each will have a coterie of friends whose attendance will take priority over rarely seen relatives.

Telly Wed 01-Aug-18 14:24:49

Thanks for all the positive comments/contributions. I do agree on the whole and feel as Annodomini has said that they will invite close friends who they actually see. I am not trying to lay down the law, rather invite a discussion and I can see that there will be some family niggles over this. Hey ho!

Melanieeastanglia Thu 02-Aug-18 00:02:22

Lots of people who marry for the second time have a low-key event.

I honestly wouldn't worry about it.

annep Thu 02-Aug-18 07:49:22

Our second marriage age 64. We wanted it to be just us and our five children and their partners. My brother hasn't spoken to me since as he wasn't invited. My son refused to come unless his children were invited so I invited them. ( his wife probably made him say that but thats another story!) My wedding which should have been a very happy occasion was marred. My siblings didn't even send a card. My husbands sisters were so happy for us and bought us champagne.
My point is if I had it to do over again I would tell my son fine, don't come. And if my brother doesn't speak to me that's his problem. The couple getting married should do exactly what they want. You will never please everyone. So please yourself! Be happy and enjoy the day OP. Dont spoil it for them.

nipsmum Thu 02-Aug-18 10:01:59

No it doesn't matter in this day and age. People understand the small wedding concept and don't expect to be invited. What would you worry about what someone might or might not feel. Some people have enough important things to worry about. Ditch the trivial things.

Coconut Thu 02-Aug-18 10:03:29

Weddings always upset someone , however it’s all about what the couple want. My Mum tried to make an issue when my 1st DS married, complaining that cousins were not invited. Gone are the days when Uncle Tom Cobbly and all are invited ! I pointed out that they had not seen the cousins for over 5 years, and as the guests were costing god knows what per head, those cousins also had partners and 3 kids each ! I asked Mum if she wanted to pay for them and she went quiet !! Next wedding, she never mentioned a thing and just accepted DD’s wishes. Most level headed people accept these days that couples want quality not quantity on their special day.

Kim19 Thu 02-Aug-18 10:10:05

I suspect (and kinda hope?) I wouldn't be privy to the invitation list before the mailing so I wouldn't let it matter. Strange modern world in that recently I've been invited to weddings where I had totally discounted the possibility and been omitted from those where I thought I was 'in with a chance'. I'm absolutely fine with either situation though. I seem to lazily going with the flow on pretty much everything these days. Have to achieve grumpy or I'll ruin the image!

Noname Thu 02-Aug-18 10:21:27

We only had 26 people to our wedding (2nd time for both of us) which comprised of our mums, siblings, their partners and children, our children and their partners if they had one plus 5 friends. My mum hinted at the time that aunties would like to be invited but we turned on our selective hearing! We had the most wonderful day!

typicallytina Thu 02-Aug-18 10:23:11

Nope not at all....they are being very sensible and if your relatives are anything like me they will be glad they never got an invite!!

Jang Thu 02-Aug-18 10:30:19

I had a small second wedding ( 50's) with just family and a few close friends.. I can honestly say it was so much better then my first one which had all my parents friends/relatives at... Even my kids said what a lovely day it had been. Felt no remorse about missing out other family members and certainly won't expect an invite to every family wedding! Let them do it there way. We did have a party afterwards inviting other missed out friends maybe you could do same?

sarahcyn Thu 02-Aug-18 10:31:38

Personally I think too much fuss is made about who gets invited to weddings of all kinds. I feel much more important to make sure the relatives get to meet the new partner in normal relaxed circumstances and get to know him/her, something that can never be done at a wedding.

annsixty Thu 02-Aug-18 10:32:06

When my widowed mother married a widower , both in their late 50's neither I or his D were invited.
His sister and her husband went to the registry office with them and then the 4 of them went out for lunch.
Everyone was happy.

annep Thu 02-Aug-18 10:38:09

annsixty that sounds good. And you were alk happy. sensible people!

mabon1 Thu 02-Aug-18 10:58:37

None of your business who they invite, bite the bullet and enjoy the day.

Hm999 Thu 02-Aug-18 11:00:45

Small wedding means immediate family only.

Apricity Thu 02-Aug-18 11:40:33

It's their wedding and their invitation list. It's as simple as that. What other people think about who is or is not invited is not your problem. Just be glad you are invited and enjoy the wedding. 🥂🍾