Mental health

To Jane10 - I hope my last posts haven't seemed flippant. I know your experiences are more uptodate than mine. I used to work in mental health with young people, ages ago.
I think we have to use all sources available to help, practical and spiritual.

Hello again to those you who have contributed to this thread. I’m just wondering how you all are getting on, and giving a short update on my situation.

I really thought DD was improving, and I’m sure her PN depression is very much improved, but two recent incidents have reminded me that this is long, long term. In fact, although I am not a doctor, I take issue with her diagnosis, not the PN depression, the other diagnosis, and having read a lot about the subject, I feel that there is a Personality Disorder in the mix. Sadly, many behaviours are so very similar to another family member who does have a Personality Disorder.

It’s hard going, yesterday I had a little cry after another unpleasant outburst.

Do let me know how you are getting on with your own difficulties, it’s such a difficult and at times, lonely path to walk.

I have a similar problem, and it has put a massive strain on our finances. If an adult child cannot contribute financially through no fault of their own, it is harder to be 'tough' and it it is affecting my relationship with my husband. I am at my wit's end and have never had counselling to deal with it all, has been going on for 25 years.

maddy. I am so very sorry , it is a very lonely path.

Maddy so sorry to hear what you are going through. It is the most difficult thing to deal with and my heart goes out to you. MIND as mentioned above can help, there are experts there who will get back to you if you contact them. The worry is enormous, but you are strong and your daughter has a lovely mum who cares.

Keep strong, look after yourself and accept what professional help is available. Sending you (((hugs))).

tenzina

tenzina I feel what you are going through and I do think you yourself should talk to someone about it. I never did, I just carried on for years, and it absolutely wears you out, I am sure had I had some counselling at the time it would have helped me with the worry, the guilt and the feeling of hopelessness. As Annie has said it is a very long and lonely road.

Sending (((hugs))) to you and yours.

Sending hugs to everyone on the thread, so many of us have this cross to bear.

Tenzina, so sorry to hear you’re having difficulties. It does go on and on doesn’t it.

You’re right Annie, at times it feels like a very lonely path, even when other people are around you.

You’re very kind megan, but I’m afraid I’m not a lovely mum. Maybe to my other children I am, but to this child, I get so fed up and down, and angry with it all, so at times I have to distance myself from her, it’s the only way to cope.

It's heartbreaking. My granddaughters mental health issues have affected my retirement and all our savings have gone on supporting her to keep a roof over her head. I have been awake for hours thinking I just can't go on. My thoughts are with all of you walking this painful path.

I don't know if any of you also feel you have lost yourselves. My life now just seems narrowed down to her and her needs. I couldn't begin to tell you what actually makes me happy any more. Sorry to go on a bit but it's helped to even write this.

My DP has suffered with MH issues for years but it is starting to get worse and our teenage son is now enduring the mood swings and outbursts. I want to protect my son but that will mean walking away. I finally spoke to a counsellor last week who asked me why I never asked for help. I have spent years trying to "cover" for DP and making excuses for his behaviour but I have had enough.
DP lost his job a few years ago. He had never told his employers about his MH problems because of the stigma. With hindsight he may not have lost his job if they had known. He is working again now but in a much less responsible role.
The doctor once said he was at high risk of suicide ( never shown any evidence) it was really just his age. I was told I had to watch him. What a responsibility !

Notoveryet and seasider, I’m so sorry to hear of your difficulties. I started this thread because I was at my wits end, and the number of people who have responded to say they are struggling has surprised me, but also saddened me. I’m saddened by the fact that so people are struggling due to the poor mental health of their loved ones. I have received a lot of support from some Gransnetters who have privately messaged me, and also from others on the thread.
I have found councelling helpful, I’m still going to my councellor. I’ve also read a lot around this problem, and although I’m not a doctor, I think it very possible that my daughter, and another close relative, are probably suffering from a personality disorder. I think it could be Borderline Personality Disorder. The mood swings and outbursts you describe seasider, are a main feature of this particular disorder, and crucially so is a close relative with the same condition. Seasider, you describe your DH and son as having similar behaviours.
I’m still in a very bad place re my daughter, I had thought things were improving, but it seems I was wrong. At the moment I’m avoiding having too much contact with her, which leaves her poor, ever suffering father to take the flak. Avoidance at the moment is the only way I can cope with it. Hopefully eventually I’ll feel more able to cope with her.

*Maddy”, avoidence will give you some rest, there were times in the years of my daughters illness I think I would have welcomed a spell of avoidance but there was no one to watch over her and I couldn’t cast her adrift. It’s helpful you can share with your husband , give you some rest .
Hugs x

Maddy, my granddaughter has been diagnosed with bi-polar, personality disorder and autism. In a way the diagnosis helps in terms of accepting she is not in control of what is happening to her. To be


honest I think my heart is broken as she also has a physical condition to deal with. I'd love a break
from the constant worry and fear, but she is always on my mind. It's almost worse when you see any improvement and then have your hopes dashed. I am so sorry for all you are going through and also a little surprised that so many of us are quietly struggling on day to day. My thoughts with everyone who has this to cope with.

It's getting more difficult to get the right care for the various MH issues as lack of training in lots of areas of the illness exists in many counties. Psychiatrists and properly trained staff are becoming thin on the ground trying to deal with an influx of child MH illness as well as adult problems.

Midwives who are specially trained in spotting MH during and after pregnancy are vital but are few and far between.
It's most important for both the GP and the midwife to look out for signs of depression as soon as a woman becomes pregnant and catch the symptoms from an early stage to prevent prolonged illness such as post partum psychosis which occurs through " non-treatment " of depression over a period of time.
Post-partum psychosis is not curable but is/can be manageable with the correct medication. It's a scary illness which, if left untreated, can be disastrous in many ways.

I sympathise with all of you with relatives with mental health issues. It can and does sometimes totally disrupt family life. I grew up with a dad who was what is now termed Bi-polar- he was termed manic depressive. Sometimes life with him was very difficult but he was also a great dad and grandad because he had such great enthusiasm for things ( I know it was probably sometimes the beginning of a manic phase). He played sports and games with great enthusiasm,. I do think sometimes we need to relise that this is an illness and like any illness it has to be treated when the sufferer is really ill but ignored when they have better periods. After my dad had been hospitalised for a short period because of a really bad session my mum was worried about him coming home. (This was 50+yers ago). She talked to the psychiatrist and said she didn't know how to behave around my dad. The psychiatrist said "If he upsets you you tell him, if he behaves badly you say so. He is ill but it's not an excuse for behaving badly." We did find when we pointed out that my dad was doing things we found unacceptable he would ignore us at first but would, if he was well, respond by changing. When he was ill it was a bit different and watching and learning when his medication needed to be changed, or something was wrong with him was something we had to learn. It is a learning curve and getting the right treatment can be difficult, but realising it is an illness and getting the person involved to acknowledge they are ill is a great start.

Maddy you are a lovely mum you are on here expressing how you feel but you are tired, weary and there seems no end to it all. This sort of thing has an effect on all the family and you are trying to keep things going for everyone. You have your good days where things seem better, and then "bang" something happens again. Notoveryet makes a good point, you seem to lose yourself in all of this. But, honestly, there is hope, and some light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen quickly.

I am sending you (((hugs))) and love

I just wanted to expand a bit. I had a sort of "enforced" avoidance situation here, my daughter was taken into a unit and has been there for a number of years. It is getting better, through the wonderful care she has been given. She has just telephoned me to ask how my "lurgy" is - that is such a little thing to most people, but it is a big thing for me, at one time it would never have happened. I feel I have the girl I used to have and love. Not to say it will keep that way, but instances are fewer and far between. She will eventually be discharged into a supported accommodation when they think the time is right.

I am so very sorry to hear how you all are feeling. My DD has MH problems and I can so relate to the feelings you have expressed; just recently she had to return home and I felt that this is what my life is going to be like now, so far from the picture I had of a future with an empty nest and the opportunity to lead my own life. Which is so selfish, because she loves me and it would really hurt her to know I feel like this. And of course it is much worse for her, her life is passing while she struggles. Personally I find it more difficult because it's an invisible illness, and it helps if I think of her as a disabled person (which she is, of course)

Very best wishes to you all, and my hopes for a happier future for you.

It is so good to have a forum like this, it's just a pity we can't all meet up.

humptydumpty I'm sure many of us have children who return home without having MH problems. It seems to be the accepted thing now. When anything happens go back to your parents. The only way to avoid it seems to be to downsize (and even then some do it) . That said it must be so much harder with a DD who is ill. I hope she is getting the best treatment and is on her way to some level of recovery.

trisher, thank you, I know that's true and sometimes point that out to DD when she says she feels like a failure; but sadly it's not that simple, she has a lot of problems, and one manifestation of this is that she has been unable to live independently without having a breakdown.

To downsize when one has a child with mental health problems can so easily be taken as shutting the door on that child

Exactly, Annie, and unfortunately when I can no longer work I'm worried that I shall have to do that; I don't let myself think too much about the long-term future.

humpty I do understand , one’s mind goes around and around , little wonder exhaustion sets in.

You said it helps to think of your daughter as a disabled person, she is my love, her mind not her body has the disability.

Where I live there is a carers support group , is there such a thing in your area ? Mental illness causes isolation for the sufferer and also for the carer. And when it’s your child it can be torture . We want to make everything better for our child as we did when they were small don’t we?

I understand so well your mind going round and round. I'm ou r case it's our granddaughter whose life has been so badly affected. We are getting on in years and have already released equity from our house. I'm scared of the future for her and for us.