Mental health

notoveryet I am so sorry, so very sorry to read about your situation. It is very hard. Sending (((hugs))) and

So many people dealing with this issue, and so little support out there for family members.
For me, this issue is beginning to come between my husband and myself. We have different views on how to cope, and it these different approaches which are causing us difficulties.
Does anyone else find this?

Maddyone I can well understand things coming between your husband and yourself. My husband has been wonderful (especially as he is actually her step granddad) but last night said how he felt we had no life left outside of our constant worries. I reckon there has to be a balance to be found and I will be trying to give him more of my undivided attention. It's all so, so hard isn't it?

maddy the years my daughter was ill I would unreasonably feel anger with my late husband for dying and not being with me to support our daughter , your post has made me rethink x

Maddyond, I've had depression and anxiety since I can remember. It wasn't spoken about all those years ago and labelled myself as a freak just as my peers did. I'm now 54 this year and was only diagnosed about 6 months ago PTSO! The specific councilling I need are so choca blocked full they're not even putting anyone on the list! The fact thst in 2019 the resources are so minimal. I was told by the councillor thst diagnosed me I must only go to a councillor that is specifically for people like me...yet there is none!
Maddyone your husband is lucky to have you. Has he been diagnosed with his type of depression. I would certainly go with him to a councillor in mental health who will them be able to point you in the right direction for him. I went to see a private councillor who charges what you can afford if you're on a low income. For example the place I went to their normal rates are £35 per session. However I was giving a bursary with a £5 charge.
I hope he soon gets well. Best wishes to you ?

Oh Luba, thank you for your lovely message, but it’s not my husband who has been ill, but my daughter. Her depression has and is being treated, and she sees a councellor weekly and has done for many months. She has also been treated by a psychiatrist.
But the difficulties and stress that goes on month after month, and year after year, this affects the rest of the family, who try to be supportive and offer lots of help, but it all becomes too much eventually, and then other relationships suffer. This what has happened to myself and my husband.

Annie, it’s natural that you’ve felt upset with your husband because he wasn’t there when you needed him. It was the most natural thing to feel when you were under all the stress and terrible upset with your daughter. Please try not to upset yourself over it, because it’s so natural to have those feelings. Equally, although I dislike it so much, I realise that it’s natural, if unjust, for my husband and myself to be annoyed with each other, not all the time, but some of the time, because of differences in how we cope with the ongoing difficulties.

I just want to send my sincerest warm wishes to all dealing with family mental illness. I have serious MH problems myself (finally properly diagnosed and under treatment, but after decades of suffering alone). For me though, it was my AC's severe mental illness that pushed me to the brink of what I could cope with. I was permanently on "red alert": terrified, exhausted and guilty all the time. My beautiful, affectionate child, well he vanished. His illness spoke over him and consumed him. So,so hard to remember that's it's the illness, not your loved one, talking when there's such abuse, distress and confusion thrown at you. The 'better" days that give such a boost of hope, only to be plunged back into despair when another horror occurs just the next day. So hard to keep strong, be the matriarch for the rest of the family. A constant guilt trip as you try to remember the needs of everyone else when all you can think/worry about is the mentally ill person. In my case AC. My story with him ended extremely similarly to anniebach's. But actually that's a simplistic way of putting it. It hasn't ended. My guilt and pain endure endlessly it seems. But then so does my love for him.
The irony is that I am a "success story". Living a very limited life, but still LIVING, supporting and caring for my husband, other AC and GC. I was the lucky one. How I wish it had been the other way around.
My love and wishes of strength to all who walk this lonely, frightening path. You're not alone. Don't do what I did and shut yourself away

True it hasn’t ended GrandmainOz, i like many others coped with two still births, being widowed young, being a one parent family , I fought back . My darling daughters illness , the hurt suffered by her three children and her husband by the illness, the reaction to her illness by my three sisters has broken me , but it was the illness which broke me not my daughter . I know and never doubt she loved me.

Annie and GrandmainOz

Maddyone thankyou

Oh anniebach, I sometimes think I could write a book, but nobody would believe it. I, too, am broken. But I fight, just like you. I fight every day. There are still people who need me and I refuse to let them down. So much hurt caused by those who don't understand - but us mothers know the truth. And we keep our faith that our children loved us. And our love for them is sometimes the only part of us that remains unbroken

GrandmainOz yes the hurt caused by those who don’t understand . It’s my darling daughters birthday on Monday, I want to look at all the photographs of her growing up but too painful .

I don’t think there is another illness which can cause so much hurt to a family.

Stay strong x

Annie, so very sorry, these few days will be a difficult time for you. I wish I could do something other than speak on here, but I am thinking of you.

You’re right, this illness causes immense pain and grief to all concerned. It never goes away.

maddy. You are struggling with it now, you need help and support. Don’t let what happened in my family affect your hope for your daughters recovery x

Anniebach, I will think of you on Monday. Birthdays are so tough. And I certainly know what you mean about looking at photos!!
Maddyone, awareness of mental health seems to be improving so much, and with the right treatment people DO get better. I have. I'm not the person I was before, but I am strong, I am loving and available to my family and I know how deeply they value me. So not all stories end in tragedy.
Don't lose hope, and equally, don't lose YOURSELF in this dreadful time. I know it's impossible to see a way through right now, but who knows what the future will bring? I wish you the strength you badly need at this time.
Anniebach lots of love to you on Monday. The passage of time doesn't make the "big" days any easier, does it?

I've just read through this thread, so many people struggling but continuing to love and try to support their children who have mental health problems.
Maddyone has suggested her much loved adult child may have personality as well as mental health problems. There have been previous discussions on the possible influence of personality on behaviour when people ares suffering from mental health problems. Some people aren't comfortable with considering the influence of personality. My personal and work experience mean I do see personality as important.

Annie - I'll be thinking of you as your daughter's birthday arrives and sending positive thoughts x

Personality is very important and this is where mental health treatment fails.

So much for avoiding photographs. My mother in law went into a care home last Monday,my sister in law is sorting out the house, sent a pile of photographs to my younger daughter who emailed lots to me. Photographs of my elder daughter when she was well with her children, they were sent to my elder granddaughter too, she said she has never seen them, my son in law sorted out all the photographs in my elder daughters house, he has them locked away, he can’t look at them so his children can’t see them, younger daughter is now on a mission to show my grandchildren how happy they all were as a family . One photograph was of my darling daughter just after the birth of her first baby, so much love showing in her face, brought back to me the memory of that morning, her holding her first born , her big blue eyes filled with tears, ‘ oh Mum, I wish daddy could see him’,

I felt hatred , never hate but I did yesterday, I hated the mental illness which took her life, robbed my grandchildren of a mother who adored them, robbed my son in law of the wife he adored, robbed my younger daughter of her only sibling, robbed me of the brightest light in my life,

Rant over ,sorry .

Absolutely nothing to apologise for, anniebach! That wasn't a rant. You're just expressing very complex and upsetting feelings. Photographs can be a minefield in my experience. Personally I still can't bear them, but hope that may change one day. And everyone has different views on how to handle the children, don't they? At the moment, my daughters, eldest son, and I are discussing what we will say to their wee ones (born after DS death) when they eventually ask questions. Not the same as your so very painful situation where the children have lost their own mother. I hope you and your family can find a way to navigate this. Best wishes

Maddyone, I was wondering how things are going for you?

It was wrong of me GrandmainOz, I was trying to explain how families are affected when a member of the family has a mental illness .

Thank you for asking GrandmainOz, things bob along in our family, punctuated by my daughter’s rages and moods. When things are quiet I feel okay, when we have an eruption I get quite upset. The rages disturb me and make me feel anxious. I also worry for the very young children in the equation, who have witnessed these outbursts, and I feel that if it makes me feel anxious, how on earth do they feel?

I’m so sorry for your loss, to lose a child is absolutely awful. I think when you explain to the young children what has happened, you will find that they are very resilient. As they didn’t know your son they will be interested but not involved directly. However, do not hide your grief because they will learn about love and your family from your talking about your son.

My grandmother lost two of her brothers in WW1. When I was a child she used to talk about them to me, and show me photos, their medals and so on. Sometimes she cried as she told me about them, and I saw her grief fifty years after their deaths. I learnt about love and grief from my grandmother. Now on Armistice Day I remember for her as obviously she is no longer with us. These two people who died many years before I was born are real to me, and that is because my grandmother always spoke of them, made them real, and allowed me to see her grief.

I hope this little story helps you GrandmotherOz.

If you can afford the fees I recommend a qualified psychologist . Counselling is cheaper and often a help too.

Thankyou, maddyone that's a powerful story. I do wish you well. I know that feeling of walking on eggshells that you must be experiencing with your daughter. You must be terribly worried about the little ones. I hope you have support, including the counselling mentioned by Alexa above

Awful day yesterday, granddaughter has left me feeling so hurt and defeated. I know it's the illness affecting her but I just feel wiped out. There's people here who understand, not many do, and friends are urging me just to cease contact with her, which I will never do.