Daughter in law

Its always good to listen to others and get different perspectives. I find gransnet very helpful and it has made me stop and think and sometimes change my views. Sorry, I was a bit rude in my first post to you damewithaname .

Oops. Pressed to soon. Your previous post is awful, that must have been a horrible experience for you.

muffin I totally agree with your last post! DP rarely arranges for his DM to see our daughter, he does around once a month and that's after I've prompted him to. I refuse to do it as I don't want all family contact to end up being my responsibility. But I know that people see it as it must be the DILs fault that the MIL hasn't been contacted, when the reality is that on his weekends DP would rather be at the football or taking DD somewhere rather than sitting in his moms house. My dad was the same, and plenty of my male uncles and cousins are, and their partners end up arranging it all. You're totally right that many men can't be bothered to see their parents and that's why it doesn't get arranged.

Also, as for your previous

Annep, I hear you. I do understand that some grandparents see their grandkids every so many months or years for some.

I'm a work in progress. I do try to meet some of her expectations but I can't solely be responsible for all of them.

My initial comment wasn't to downplay the OPs post but to rather also give it from a DILs view.

muffin I'm so sorry to hear the awful time you've had. What an uncaring thing to do - putting your mother before your wife at such an important time too! quite unforgivable.

damewithaname ok. Maybe I don't understand. Perhaps expectations are too high. I suppose my comment is made as someone who feels undervalued by children/ grandchildren. Its hard when your children grow up and leave and don't really want you around much. I'm not possessive at all. I never ask for anything. I wait to be asked. And yes I do get jealous. You sound like you are being nice to your mother in law. sorry I got that wrong.

Jalima1108 I've seen a few comments on other posts about the marriage thing.. it broke my heart to see that.

If the father’s parents are unhappy with how much they see the grandchildren, they should take their complaints to him. It’s on him to facilitate that relationship.

The assignation of being kin keeper and all of the emotional labour to daughters in law causes nothing but trouble. That might once have been a role women assumed on marriage: to handle all the family stuff with in laws for her husband. It is no longer commonly thought by young couples to be the wife’s job. Looking constantly at the DIL to manage the family’s social schedule is both unfair and doomed to failure.

Too many younger guys get to hide behind their female partner when their parents are upset by a lack of contact, when the truth is they can’t be bothered to see their parents and do nothing at all to arrange it. The adult sons are not all doe eyed innocents in these situations. They also have agency. They are choosing to have the relationships they want with their parents (excluding those who are being abused by their partners).

The harsh truth is many of these guys are not really bothered if their mum is upset that they don’t bother to keep in touch. That is their failing, not the failing of their partner. It is not the job of someone else to make these adult men be thoughtful about their mum’s feelings. They are capable of that themselves. They carry around a handy device in their pockets that will store all relevant dates and let them speak to their mother at any time via several different methods of communication. This is not some Herculean level of effort here that could only be performed by a wife.

And if they choose to not bother with their parents because it makes life easier with their partner, that is also a choice. They are not magically admonished of all blame and moral responsibility for that.

These guys are not toddlers any more. They can and should be held accountable if their actions are causing the poor relationship.

Annep, oh yes I agree. I see my MIL more than I see my own mum as she lives quite far away.

I always make sure to include her as much as possible but I can assure you it's not to her expectations.
We cannot fulfil each person's expectations. We can only do so much. That's where most MIL and DIL issues lie, is in the UNMET expectations.

sorry - dame - typo!

I'm shocked to see how many MILs say "maybe the marriage won't last long" WOW!!! That's awefully selfish!
Do they?

And why should a MIL need to be jealous, sorry, don't understand that bit of the post damwithaname - or is it a typo?

MILs have probably been DILs too and I think most of us remember that.
I wish that my MIL had 'popped in' more often as she was the one who lived nearby; she knew she could but would never come without being invited and sometimes not then.

I wonder if the original poster of this topic can think back to the birth of her own firstborn, and remember her own MIL's demands and expectations? Did she prioritise her MIL over her own needs as a new mother? Did her MIL dominate proceedings with her expectations and demands? Most new mothers need their own mothers near after the births of their children. But my own primal need, I can remember vividly, was to have time with my new baby and my partner, in quiet, nurturing peace, while we established routines, adored our infant, and adjusted our lives. Put yourself pretty much last, as a grandparent, and make it clear you are available as soon as needed, and let your own new relationship with your grandchild develop naturally. I've read some traumatising posts here about MILs muscling in as soon as the infant appears, trampling roughshod over tender emotions and wobbly DILs! Luckily, the overall response is a plea for calm, to back off, to leave egos at the door and become the loving grandparents our grandchildren deserve.

damewithaname you could let your mother or mother in law feel needed and wanted or even loved. You will understand when your children grow up. And there may be times when you actually can't manage. Parents aren't just there as support structure- to be used.

When I was first married my MIL had to stay with us for a few weeks until they got a house. She made the dinner every evening and baked lovely cakes. I was so resentful and let her and FIL know. How horrible of me. It was so helpful. When I had my GC she was the best most caring tolerant loving grandmother and MIL ever. I wish she was here to tell her now. (My mum was an occasional visitor- by choice ). Young ones need to stop and think. They are doing things so differently at least in our culture. Many, not all, don't like the extended family thing. I loved it. and so did my children. My MIL was Italian.

After three weeks, perhaps you could phone your son, say you'll be in the area this weekend and can you pop in just to say hello, just for half an hour.
I hope the answer is yes; if so, be sure to make a fuss of your DIL too, not just the baby.

You could ask if they need any shopping, if not, don't pursue the offer of any help.

*don't need to become envious or jealous

I'm shocked to see how many MILs say "maybe the marriage won't last long" WOW!!! That's awefully selfish!

Just as you proclaim your DILs to be.

I can tell you (and most of you will already know), that your DIL can manage just fine on her own. If she needs your help, she'll ask you. When you nag and become expectant of all your needs to be met by them, it becomes emotionally draining. They no longer see you as a support structure readily available but rather as hard work.

Be mindful of breaking down her character to others. She is where you were once.

Don't let their visits to you feel like a duty. That's not what you want to achieve.

Please remember that if you use social media platforms, seeing that Granny Jane had a perfect day out at the beach with her grandkids and Granny Mouse had a wonderful time at the ice-cream store with her grandkids that you need to become envious or jealous.

This from a DILs view.

The section of my post that you've referred too notanan was about the exclusion of GP's in general and not just the case of the OP, and how on earth is this mother going to be prevented from meeting her baby's needs because her m.i.l., the child's GM pops in occasionally for a cup of tea.

Is it any wonder estrangement is on the in crease. I hope that the OP does get to see and enjoy her GC but this is how our estrangement began, and how it begins for many.

Hazbeen that’s the point I ve been trying to make the original poster only said she hadn’t been able to see the baby on the days she had planned... I really think unless she comes back and gives us some more info we re all pxxxxxx in the wind and just making assumption either for or against the daughter in law

Far North....Feeling glad your in laws lived farther away so they couldn’t visit the first few weeks? Your mil could’ve tended to the baby while you did to the things you mentioned, or she could’ve helped you do those things. Some of you act like your Mil is some stranger to your family. That’s just sad!

muffin, I read every single word of that very carefully and I am very sorry.

You are worth more than this.

I'm sorry that things have not worked out as you expected OP - but I think you may have been a little over eager.

Remember that 21 days ago your DIL had a very long and drawn out labour. Induced births can be awful and much more painful than natural births. It sounds as though it was traumatic for her and that things did not go to plan. I would expect your son to be focussed on supporting his wife and baby and not running out to make phone calls. If my DH had stopped supporting me to send texts he would have been in big trouble.

We didn't ring grandparents until 12 hours post delivery of DD1. I had a very traumatic 27 hour labour with DD1. Post delivery I developed massive complications after the birth and had to go for emergency surgery and then to the high dependency unit. DD1 was also very sick and went to the NICU. DH didn't ring anyone as he wanted to get a prognosis first. 3 weeks post birth I was still struggling with my 60+ stitches and taking medication for blood loss. I developed PTSD as well. My parents did not meet DD until she was 6 weeks and MIL did not meet her until she was 12 weeks.

It is early days - sometimes it is very difficult to breastfeed or deal with bleeding/stitches pain in front of anyone but your own mother. I think you may have scared them by giving up work and expecting to spend a day a week at their house.

You seem to be blaming your DIL but try and have a little empathy for her.

I had a colicky baby FarNorth - sometimes if she fell asleep in the day for an hour, so did I as I was awake most of the night with her.

Look ladies the OP did not say she hadnt seen the baby she said she hadnt seen the baby on HER day off.
The impression she has given is that she has stated what she wants and they havent done as they have been told!
To be honest anyone who tells a new mother (and new father for that matter) when where and how they will be seeing their child doesnt care about anyone but themselves.
This poor couple are new parents for goodness sake, and be honest ladies most of us wanted more of our mothers than MIL at this time. It sounds like the birth wasnt straight forward and just maybe the son cared about his wife enough not to leave her to make phone calls.
How does the OP know so much about when her parents are there if shes not in touch with her son and DIL?
Why doesnt the OP come back and tell us more of her side of the story?

Any new mother has a half hour in her day to rest and let the new grandma come see her grandchild she waited eagerly to meet.

As a new mother of a baby with severe colic, any spare half hour that I had, before he woke up screaming again, was spent frantically washing nappies, or stuffing an oatcake and cheese into my mouth, or collapsed on my bed, whichever seemed the most urgent at the time.

I was very glad that my PiLs, lovely but slightly overwhelming people, lived many miles away and were not able to visit in the first few weeks.