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Difficult BIL

(96 Posts)
Piperly Sun 16-Dec-18 09:46:33

Good morning Ladies. I wonder if you could help me please? My brother in law can be quite rude to me in social occasions. I think he finds it amusing to see how I will react. He makes comments about my weight (I am a size 16 and 5ft 2) so a bit chunky but by no means huge!). I've been trying to think of a polite response but with a sting to a) put him in his place and b) make me feel better about handling this awkward situation. We're going out for Sunday lunch today with my elderly MIL and her son's who are my husband and him. I'm dreading it but don't want to give him the satisfaction of not going. Thank you in advance.

Maybelle Sun 16-Dec-18 09:58:43

I had a similar situation once, constantly being put down and belittled. One day it to just got too much for me and I burst into tears at a family gathering.
The response from my in laws was amazing, they told my BiL off for his attitude and treatment of me. Not just for that occasion but for previous times, seems they had disapproved but had thought I would be embarrassed to have an issue made of it.
He was made to apologise and was never rude to me agaun.
Drastic way of dealing with it but it worked !
Try not to cover up his rudeness. You are not at fault x

mcem Sun 16-Dec-18 10:06:16

Steely stare and ask "Do you actually realise how appallingly rude you're being?"
A straight question. Not belligerent. An opportunity for him to apologise or make himself look an idiot by trying to bluster his way out.
The difficulty would be if you were caught unawares but go in prepared and ready for him.

MissAdventure Sun 16-Dec-18 10:09:41

I would just say "pardon?" and continue saying it so he had to repeat his "joke"..
Not so funny when he is the one being made uncomfortable.

Piperly Sun 16-Dec-18 10:13:51

Thank you Maybelle for your lovely reply

Piperly Sun 16-Dec-18 10:17:21

Thank you MissAdventure.....very good advice smile

sunseeker Sun 16-Dec-18 10:18:00

If he makes a remark about your weight, point to whatever you are eating or drinking and say "you know the difference between this (glass of wine/food) and your opinion? I asked for this"

ninathenana Sun 16-Dec-18 10:24:02

Sunseeker that's brilliant, I love it.

jusnoneed Sun 16-Dec-18 10:24:40

Reply to him "ah yes but I could lose some weight if I wanted too, but how would you solve your problem?" Then ignore the stupid man, after telling him he's not worth wasting breath on.
Does your husband know how you feel about his brothers treatment of you? I would be so angry if any relative of mine spoke to someone like your bil does, and wouldn't hesitate to tell him so.

Oldwoman70 Sun 16-Dec-18 10:28:40

You could turn it into a joke by saying that dieting didn't work for you so you are concentrating on getting taller.

Alternatively you could always turn the tables by saying something like - I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one

trisher Sun 16-Dec-18 10:43:29

I like the option pretending not to hear him and making him repeat himself
But I do wonder about your husband, does he know how you feel and if not could you tell him without causing a serious rift between the brothers? He could then also help by making some positive comment when his brother"teases" you. Something like "All the more for me to love," or "That's why I love her".
Alternitavely you could drink as much as possible and then tell the B*****D exactly what you think of him.

Buffybee Sun 16-Dec-18 10:57:45

What a rude boor!
There seem to be quite a few of these misogynists around from reading threads recently.
He thinks that you won't react to his rudeness as you are too polite to make a "fuss" with his family there.
He's being a bully.
I would say, quite sharply, "Just stop being so rude", he will try to say that it's a joke, just tell him that it's not very funny and you want him to stop.
Don't get upset, be firm!
Let us know how you get on.
You've got me so angry on your behalf, I want to slap him in the face with a wet trout! 😂

Piperly Sun 16-Dec-18 11:08:00

Thank you all for your responses. I feel much better now knowing I have ammunition at the ready wink

Bridgeit Sun 16-Dec-18 11:09:37

I would say at the start very loudly & in front of everyone else, something along the lines of - Come on then let’s get your usual boring comments over & done with - make sure you are staring right at him. Best wishes

MissAdventure Sun 16-Dec-18 11:10:08

At least you have a few ideas now.
Don't forget to take a wet trout in your handbag! grin

PECS Sun 16-Dec-18 11:14:10

I think the strategy of making him repeat it is quite good especially if you can get everyone's attention too.
Or simply " Well I may be overwight but I prefer that to being rude like you"

Oldwoman70 Sun 16-Dec-18 11:22:23

Come on GNs let arm Piperly with lots of witty comebacks

The people who have to put up with you on a daily basis are the real heroes

You are multi-talented, you can talk, annoy and irritate at the same time

If your brains were dynamite there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off

I don't know what your problem is but I bet it's hard to pronounce

We could have a battle of wits - but you are unarmed

You have your entire life to be an idiot - why not take today off

craftergran Sun 16-Dec-18 11:30:03

"I'd rather be fat than ignorant"

oldbatty Sun 16-Dec-18 11:33:55

Your weight is absolutely nothing to do with him.

I suffered years of abuse from my own family about size.

Sorry, but it stinks!

MissAdventure Sun 16-Dec-18 11:34:18

Its alright to donate your brain to science, but shouldn't you have waited until you died?

BlueBelle Sun 16-Dec-18 11:36:28

Oh my theres some good ones for you Piperly if only I were that quick witted I d be just like you think of a retort half an hour after the moments gone So yes definitely worthy of a good old rebuff I guess he only does it because he’s got away with it so far and gives him a cheap laugh to get one up on you so nows the time practice some of these, personally I d probably only manage to remember the ‘pardon’ one but at least now you are forewarned and forearmed
Just out of interest does he do it to anyone else ? and does your husband realise?
I somehow don’t think you are dreading it so much now x

Piperly Sun 16-Dec-18 11:41:39

Brilliant Ladies you are all fabulous wink I'm on my way now...I'll let you know how I got on later smile

mumofmadboys Sun 16-Dec-18 11:50:00

I agree saying pardon and making someone repeat it is brilliant!

Grammaretto Sun 16-Dec-18 12:38:22

I've just caught up with this thread I hope the lunch today goes well and you don't need the trout! What a moron he is.
My DH's uncle used to tease me remorselessly.
One day he went too far and began to pour a glass of beer down my ample cleavage. I jumped up shrieking and left the table for good. DH had to take me home. The uncle never dared again. He's long dead but i wonder why some men behave like that. Looking back, he possibly fancied me. Could that be the case with this horrible man?

TerriBull Sun 16-Dec-18 12:55:10

Commiserations OP and anyone else who has had subliminal unflattering remarks or actions aimed at them. It's really hard to fathom why some people think they can levy such insults. I think several of the comments here could be considered as a response, do a TM with a "what did you just say?" accompanied by a stoney stare, you must be ready and waiting with your comeback, don't let him get away with an underhand aside, leave him in no doubt you are well pissed off!

Good luck and if the oaf does speak out of turn let us know your response.