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advice about dad

(80 Posts)
busybee6969 Thu 17-Jan-19 08:41:59

dad is 80 poor health,has a dog for company,i visit daily do all i can im only daughter,phone every evening,he has a cleaner who is getting very demanding,just found out he has been collecting her from her other cleaning jobs quite a few miles away and running her in his car to bank ,.he gave her my old car a year ago so she has her own car,just found out,he paid of the debt on her old car when she got my car,a year ago so her 3 hours a week cleaning pay is actually coming off the debt he paid for her,but he admits she only flys round doing the cleaning quick possibly 1 and a half hours but expects 3 hours knocking off her debt he paid,she rolls up for dinner several days a week letting him know night before what day and time he needs to cook her dinner for then as soon as they hgave eaten her hubby collects her, she is about 53 ,i think dad is getting more forgetful,but its making me ill with worry as i dont trust her. found out about a year ago she had applied to local council to try and get a council flat in dads town so she could help look after him,putting him down as her stepdad,when i called her out on it saying it was fraud she was no relation to him a cleaner/friend she laughed in my face, luckily she did not get a coucil place, her hubby and her rent private move address about every 9 months,any advice sorry for long post

MissAdventure Thu 17-Jan-19 08:49:29

I would make time to see her, in person, and give her the chance to resign, with the understanding that if she doesn't, you will be taking matters further.

What is your dad's view on it, and is he of sound mind?

sodapop Thu 17-Jan-19 08:53:19

Is the cleaner employed by an agency busybee if so you need to inform them about her behaviour, she is taking advantage of a vulnerable person.
If its a private arrangement then you need to talk to your father about what is happening. If he capable of making informed decisions its up to him what he does. I would be having a word with the cleaner and looking for a replacement.

M0nica Thu 17-Jan-19 08:59:55

This is elder-abuse and is a crime. Here is a link to the Age UK factsheet on the subject.

I would suggest that you visit or ring the Advice line at your local Age UK and they will be able to help and advise you.

If you follow up MisAdventure's suggestion of seeing her in person , you may well find that saying to her during the conversation. 'I have been talking to Age UK and they have given me the factsheet on elder abuse.' (or something similar) may be sufficient for her to decide to move on.

Teetime Thu 17-Jan-19 09:02:36

I am very sorry to hear this but you have been given sound advice here - this is definitely fraud and abuse. I am so sorry but you must get it sorted without delay- she is probably doing something similar to others who may not have anyone to speak up for them.

Anja Thu 17-Jan-19 09:05:06

What a dilemma busybee. Are you new to Gransnet? I’m sure you’ll get lots of advice.

dragonfly46 Thu 17-Jan-19 09:08:09

I would definitely try and get rid of her as soon as you can. She is obviously after his money. Maybe get in touch with Age Uk and possibly Social Services to find a replacement. As others have said it is fraud and abuse.

Of course you will have to talk your Dad round and get him to agree but you need to confront her.

grannyactivist Thu 17-Jan-19 11:37:38

You have severeal options:

If she is self-employed I would line up a new cleaner and then pay a visit to the current one giving her the choice of 'resigning' or face the consequences of an accusation of abuse.

If she works for an agency then I would give them proof of your facts and expect them to sack and replace her.

If you fear this is part of a pattern of abusive behaviour then I would instigate a Safeguarding enquiry on the grounds that she is exhibiting coercive/controlling behavours.

Newatthis Thu 17-Jan-19 12:33:44

Having just found out that my Aunty's cleaner (who never did any cleaning!) stole £22,000.00 (or more) over 18 months by taking my aunt to the bank everyday and asking her to withdraw large sums of money (my aunt had Alzeimer's which we never realised at the time, and is now in a care home) . All I can say is be very, very careful. Is there a reputable agency who can supply someone more honest and caring?

BlueBelle Thu 17-Jan-19 14:10:50

Please please please don’t leave it I ve told this before so sorry for repeating .... My aunty died penniless and on benefits two years after my uncle had left her enough money for her life Her cleaner/ carer had intergrated herself to be ‘like a daughter’ had a car, family holidays etc and took my aunty to the bank to remove money We only found out when my aunty was taken to hosital and doctors refused to give my dad (her only sibling left) any information as ‘he wasn’t next if kin’ this foul woman had put herself down as next of kin My auntie died soon after so we could prove nothing as the thief’s defence was that my auntie had given her lots of presents we couldn’t t prove she had stolen it
Please do not trust her furthe4 than you can throw her and don’t let it go any further Get advice please don’t leav e it a minute longer

busybee6969 Thu 17-Jan-19 19:06:51

he is more forgetful,but i notice when she has been for a few hours he is quiet,down,when she has not been he is chatty more with it, she can talk the leg of a donkey,sits there for hours eating and drinking many cans of diet coke,he gets me to get bit 24 packs ,he has a can each night with a bit of rum with it she can guzzle 3 cans while she is there,along with biscuits many cups of she is hours on his ipad,then moans her hands are riddled with pain,i told her last week she seems to manage a few hours on his ipad and guzzling many cans of coke the hands cant be that bad.

M0nica Thu 17-Jan-19 19:29:11

busybee, have you taken any action yet to protect your father? There is plenty of advice above. I think what is happeneing is very alarming.

Ohmother Thu 17-Jan-19 21:38:47

Act quickly. I also know a mobile hairdresser who did the ‘like a daughter’ act and ended up ‘owning’ lots things of great value from her blind customer. Apparently she’s done it before but proving it is a nightmare!!!

AnnS1 Fri 18-Jan-19 09:39:23

Awful situation, think I would tell you you have made alternative arrangements and if she has a key get the locks changed. If possible have someone with you as back up. She sounds a right chancer.

Lily65 Fri 18-Jan-19 09:43:09

Gosh what a complicated and trying situation. Thankfully this site is full of genuine, kind people who give their time freely and try to help.

Gypsyqueen13 Fri 18-Jan-19 09:44:03

Please be careful. A similar thing happened to a friend. The cleaner wormed her way in but also started to receive large payments from the elderly gentleman in addition to her cash in hand payments. She also managed to get him to change his will and received money after his death. The family wasnt aware of the additional payments until they found a notebook after his death where he had made notes of the ‘loans’ he had given to her. The family did report her for claiming benefits that she wasn’t entitled to but I don’t know whether she was prosecuted.

Coconut Fri 18-Jan-19 09:50:01

It’s a well known fact now that unscrupulous women target elderly people as many get confused and are therefore easily manipulated. As others say, you need to act fast and personally I would speak to the Police for advice especially as she lied saying that he was her step dad to get closer to him.

AnnS1 Fri 18-Jan-19 09:50:57

I’d also be wondering if she has access to his bank account, check the statements. Your dad probably realises he is being conned but may be embarrassed about the situation.

gilld69 Fri 18-Jan-19 09:52:36

im afraid she woyldnt be welcome in my parents house, your poor dad seems to be taking care of her and she is taking massive advantage of him, get rid and find someone new .

Aepgirl Fri 18-Jan-19 10:03:33

I think you have to investigate this person more. If she is cleaning for several people she either works for an agency (which should be informed of her actions), or is self-employed and should be paying tax and NI. How many other people is she treating like she is your dad?

4allweknow Fri 18-Jan-19 10:15:56

Sounds a terrible situation. This woman isn't a cleaner, she is a leech taking everything she can from your DF. Speak with your Dad, from what you say about one and a half hours cleaning you could probably cover this with say doing a 15 task everytime you visit. If an agency employs her then they need to know about her behaviour. If not, your DF has to recognise and accept the situation isn't normal and has to stop.

Urmstongran Fri 18-Jan-19 10:31:29

I agree with you Anja.

Molly10 Fri 18-Jan-19 10:42:55

Apologies as I haven't read all the posts yet.

My immediate thoughts on this are that she isn't a cleaner but a groomer for abuse and fraud of the elderly. Report it and get her out of his life as soon as possible!

GabriellaG54 Fri 18-Jan-19 10:48:48

Firstly, please take a breath and post a comment with full stops and spaces. It makes it so much better to read.

Secondly, you need to get rid of the cleaner, who appears to be ingratiating herself with your father to an unhealthy degree. I can't believe that she rings up and tells him to cook her dinner, she has your old car and he picks her up to go to the bank. Oh no, no no no no.
Ask locally for a recommended cleaner and never ever let her have access to you father's bank card or details...ever.

GabriellaG54 Fri 18-Jan-19 10:49:39

* Your, not you.